the protein wisdom interview: Jeff Gannon’s GAY PORN COCK OF LIES
I have to admit to being very disappointed with the answers Jeff Gannon gives in his interview this morning with Lifelikepundits; happily, his GAY PORN COCK OF LIES agreed to answer the same questions, and was a bit more forthcoming than was Jeff. The transcript of our interview follows.
***EXCLUSIVE: MUST CREDIT PROTEIN WISDOM***
PW: “Welcome, Jeff Gannon’s COCK, and thanks for agreeing to shed some light on a scandal that seems to be fueling the fires of progressive conspiracy theorists everywhere –”
COCK: “– Because of THE HYPOCRISY!*”
PW: “Heh. Exactly –”
COCK: “– See? I read your site. Big fan. Big fan.”
PW: “Well, thanks –”
COCK: “– Eight inches big. Cut.”
PW: “So I’ve heard, yes. But let’s get right down to it, shall we? First, what credentials do you have to participate in White House press conferences? And how do you define ‘journalist’?”
COCK: “Well, to the first part of your question, the answer is ‘none.’ I mean, I’m a COCK, right? But in my defense, I was certainly not the only COCK in that press room, I can tell you that much. I mean, have you ever met Terry Moran?
“As to what defines a journalist, I suspect nothing more than the ability to ask questions and accurately transcribe the answers. At least, that’s how it should be. Give a precocious five-year-old a tape recorder and a bone to pick and you’ve got the raw ingredients for a ‘journalist,’ in my opinion.”
PW: “So then I take it you don’t believe journalists need special credentials? That is, there have been many complaints and skepticism by the establishment media about the ‘unchecked’ conservative blogs involved in bringing down professionals like Dan Rather and Eason Jordon. However, they do not seem to complain about the allegations brought against you in ‘unchecked’ liberal blogs in as much as they are repeating the allegations in newspapers and on network/cable news. What is the difference between what happened to Eason Jordan and Dan Rather and what has happened to you? Do you believe it involves your political beliefs?”
COCK: “Well, first off, I don’t recall seeing Eason Jordan’s COCK linked all over the internet by a bunch of progressive websites engaging in a frenzied, pants-tickling outing. Rather’s COCK either, come to think of it. But sure, political affiliation has a lot to do with what happened to me. Because for all the talk from Kos or Aravosis, et al about journalistic ethics and White House ‘access’, I—a COCK—have always remained central to the story as the left has succeeded in framing it. Now, had FOXNews, say, come across pictures of a wax-chested Dan Rather draped spread eagle over some pillows, his Dan Rather UBER LIBERAL COCK OF BUSHATRED poking at the air like an old scold’s gnarled index finger, would they have run with them? Maybe, maybe not. But all that is hypothetical anyway. Because the truth is, John Aravosis went out of his way to track down my photo and to spread it all over the place. And to date, very few mainstream outlets have condemned him for it.”
PW: “Well, I haven’t met Mr Aravosis personally, but for what it’s worth, I saw him on CNN, and my impression of him is that he’s a queen in search of a crown, if you know what I mean. A Lady looking for her Tramp. But I don’t like to judge.
“Anyway, Jeff resigned his position at TalonNews.com and stopped posting to his website stating he did not want to hurt his family. Who is Jeff’s family? Is he married? Does he have children? Does his reappearance on his website suggest his family supports his speaking publicly in his own defense?”
COCK: “Jeff’s family is Jeff’s business. For my part, I can only speak on behalf of myself and Jeff’s balls, both of whom, like me, support Jeff’s decision to publically relate his side of the story. For what it’s worth, the three of us likewise support Jeff’s decision to switch from low-rise briefs to a more roomy cotton boxer, but that’s a whole different debate.”
PW: “Suppose you are gay, how would you reconcile that with your conservative beliefs? Do you see a conflict?”
COCK: “Sorry, but you’re asking me to comment on a hypothetical. And being a penis, I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
PW: “– Meaning…?”
COCK: “Meaning that I live in the now. I don’t project.”
PW: “– Unless you’re rubbed, you mean.”
COCK: “Unless I’m rubbed, yes. Good one. You don’t hear nearly enough erection humor these days.”
PW: “Jeff mentioned on his website that: ‘Like all of us have at one time or another, I made poor choices and exercised bad judgment. But I believe in a forgiving God who changed my life. It was through that renewal that I went on to have a career as a reporter and further blessed to become a White House correspondent.’ Can you describe Jeff’s relationship with God? Again, supposing that he is gay, how would he reconcile that with his religious beliefs? Does he believe a person can be both gay and religious? Does he believe a person can be gay, religious and a conservative?”
COCK: “Well, again, you’re asking me to comment on a hypothetical, and you’re asking me to speak for Jeff, which I simply am not going to do. But for my part—and in stark contrast to some of the liberal detractors who have gone after both Jeff and me—I see no necessary disconnect between being gay and being conservative, or between being gay and being religious, or between being gay and disagreeing with major changes in social policy decided upon not by the voters of a given state, but by a one-vote margin on a liberal state Supreme Court. But then, I’m only a COCK, so, y’know, what do I know.”
PW: “How are you different from David Brock? How do you interpret his almost obsessive focus on your situation through Media Matters?”
COCK: “I’d say there’s not a whole lot of ontological difference between us—after all, we’re both big dicks, when it comes right down to it— but at least I have the excuse of birth. Whereas, Brock seems constantly to work at it. Also, I’m a lot better looking. And a good deal harder. Even while completely flaccid. So, you know, make of that what you will.”
PW: “Several Senators are passing around a letter asking that the White House open an investigation into, shall we call it, GannonGuckertGate. How would you like the White House to respond?”
COCK: “Well, I can’t presume to speak for the White House, but were it up to me, I’d slap myself across Frank Lautenberg’s stupid face a couple of times, then challenge that wizened old fruit to a pissing contest. Because at least that would serve the purpose of cutting right to the chase, don’t you think? But on a practical level, I’d suggest to those Senators pushing for an investigation into the backgrounds of White House reporters that they’d better be careful what they wish for. Or pretty soon you’ll hear Drudge pushing a WorldNetDaily story of Helen Thomas’ 1977 fling with Billy Jean King, complete with what would likely be the most horrific pictures ever to be posted publically.”
PW: “What do you hope to accomplish now that you have re-entered the public domain? Obviously, a book deal is in the future. What message are you hoping to send by telling your story?”
COCK: “I suppose what I really want to say is that I’m really just like any other GAY PORN COCK. Prick me, do I not bleed? Stroke me long enough, do I not, y’know –”
PW: “Gotcha. Sure. But let me ask you directly, for the record. Are you gay?”
COCK: “I go where I’m told, to be honest with you. And from my perspective? There’s not a whole lot of difference from one cave to the next.”
PW: “Fair enough. And one final question: many blogs ‘carried the water’ in your defense while you were silent. Is there anything you would like to say to those blogs and to your supporters at large?”
COCK: “Well, naturally I’d like to thank them, but I will say that this whole thing hasn’t been a total nightmare. I mean, I’m a good looking COCK, aren’t I? And there’s lots of interest in a good looking COCK on both sides of the political divide.
“No, I suspect in the long run, this experience will prove to be quite beneficial to both Jeff and me. And in the meantime, I can take solace in the fact that, at least for the time being, I am a definite front runner for Time Magazine’s GAY PORN COCK of the Year. Provided such an award exists, of course.”
PW: “Well, Powerline got an award, so…”
COCK: “Exactly. And a COCK can dream, can’t it?”
More on the BIGGEST SCANDAL SINCE WATERGATE here.