March 1, 2005

the protein wisdom interview:  Jeff Gannon’s GAY PORN COCK OF LIES

I have to admit to being very disappointed with the answers Jeff Gannon gives in his interview this morning with Lifelikepundits; happily, his GAY PORN COCK OF LIES agreed to answer the same questions, and was a bit more forthcoming than was Jeff.  The transcript of our interview follows.

***EXCLUSIVE: MUST CREDIT PROTEIN WISDOM***

PW: “Welcome, Jeff Gannon’s COCK, and thanks for agreeing to shed some light on a scandal that seems to be fueling the fires of progressive conspiracy theorists everywhere –”

COCK: “– Because of THE HYPOCRISY!*

PW: “Heh. Exactly –”

COCK: “– See?  I read your site.  Big fan.  Big fan.”

PW: “Well, thanks –”

COCK: “– Eight inches big. Cut.”

PW: “So I’ve heard, yes.  But let’s get right down to it, shall we?  First, what credentials do you have to participate in White House press conferences?  And how do you define ‘journalist’?”

COCK: “Well, to the first part of your question, the answer is ‘none.’ I mean, I’m a COCK, right?  But in my defense, I was certainly not the only COCK in that press room, I can tell you that much.  I mean, have you ever met Terry Moran? 

“As to what defines a journalist, I suspect nothing more than the ability to ask questions and accurately transcribe the answers.  At least, that’s how it should be.  Give a precocious five-year-old a tape recorder and a bone to pick and you’ve got the raw ingredients for a ‘journalist,’ in my opinion.”

PW: “So then I take it you don’t believe journalists need special credentials?  That is, there have been many complaints and skepticism by the establishment media about the ‘unchecked’ conservative blogs involved in bringing down professionals like Dan Rather and Eason Jordon.  However, they do not seem to complain about the allegations brought against you in ‘unchecked’ liberal blogs in as much as they are repeating the allegations in newspapers and on network/cable news.  What is the difference between what happened to Eason Jordan and Dan Rather and what has happened to you?  Do you believe it involves your political beliefs?”

COCK: “Well, first off, I don’t recall seeing Eason Jordan’s COCK linked all over the internet by a bunch of progressive websites engaging in a frenzied, pants-tickling outing.  Rather’s COCK either, come to think of it. But sure, political affiliation has a lot to do with what happened to me.  Because for all the talk from Kos or Aravosis, et al about journalistic ethics and White House ‘access’, I—a COCK—have always remained central to the story as the left has succeeded in framing it.  Now, had FOXNews, say, come across pictures of a wax-chested Dan Rather draped spread eagle over some pillows, his Dan Rather UBER LIBERAL COCK OF BUSHATRED poking at the air like an old scold’s gnarled index finger, would they have run with them?  Maybe, maybe not.  But all that is hypothetical anyway. Because the truth is, John Aravosis went out of his way to track down my photo and to spread it all over the place.  And to date, very few mainstream outlets have condemned him for it.”

PW: “Well, I haven’t met Mr Aravosis personally, but for what it’s worth, I saw him on CNN, and my impression of him is that he’s a queen in search of a crown, if you know what I mean.  A Lady looking for her Tramp.  But I don’t like to judge. 

“Anyway, Jeff resigned his position at TalonNews.com and stopped posting to his website stating he did not want to hurt his family.  Who is Jeff’s family?  Is he married?  Does he have children?  Does his reappearance on his website suggest his family supports his speaking publicly in his own defense?”

COCK: “Jeff’s family is Jeff’s business.  For my part, I can only speak on behalf of myself and Jeff’s balls, both of whom, like me, support Jeff’s decision to publically relate his side of the story.  For what it’s worth, the three of us likewise support Jeff’s decision to switch from low-rise briefs to a more roomy cotton boxer, but that’s a whole different debate.”

PW: “Suppose you are gay, how would you reconcile that with your conservative beliefs?  Do you see a conflict?”

COCK: “Sorry, but you’re asking me to comment on a hypothetical. And being a penis, I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

PW: “– Meaning…?”

COCK: “Meaning that I live in the now. I don’t project.”

PW: “– Unless you’re rubbed, you mean.”

COCK: “Unless I’m rubbed, yes.  Good one.  You don’t hear nearly enough erection humor these days.”

PW: “Jeff mentioned on his website that: ‘Like all of us have at one time or another, I made poor choices and exercised bad judgment.  But I believe in a forgiving God who changed my life. It was through that renewal that I went on to have a career as a reporter and further blessed to become a White House correspondent.’ Can you describe Jeff’s relationship with God?  Again, supposing that he is gay, how would he reconcile that with his religious beliefs?  Does he believe a person can be both gay and religious?  Does he believe a person can be gay, religious and a conservative?”

COCK: “Well, again, you’re asking me to comment on a hypothetical, and you’re asking me to speak for Jeff, which I simply am not going to do.  But for my part—and in stark contrast to some of the liberal detractors who have gone after both Jeff and me—I see no necessary disconnect between being gay and being conservative, or between being gay and being religious, or between being gay and disagreeing with major changes in social policy decided upon not by the voters of a given state, but by a one-vote margin on a liberal state Supreme Court.  But then, I’m only a COCK, so, y’know, what do I know.”

PW: “How are you different from David Brock?  How do you interpret his almost obsessive focus on your situation through Media Matters?”

COCK: “I’d say there’s not a whole lot of ontological difference between us—after all, we’re both big dicks, when it comes right down to it— but at least I have the excuse of birth.  Whereas, Brock seems constantly to work at it.  Also, I’m a lot better looking.  And a good deal harder.  Even while completely flaccid.  So, you know, make of that what you will.”

PW: “Several Senators are passing around a letter asking that the White House open an investigation into, shall we call it, GannonGuckertGate.  How would you like the White House to respond?”

COCK: “Well, I can’t presume to speak for the White House, but were it up to me, I’d slap myself across Frank Lautenberg’s stupid face a couple of times, then challenge that wizened old fruit to a pissing contest.  Because at least that would serve the purpose of cutting right to the chase, don’t you think?  But on a practical level, I’d suggest to those Senators pushing for an investigation into the backgrounds of White House reporters that they’d better be careful what they wish for.  Or pretty soon you’ll hear Drudge pushing a WorldNetDaily story of Helen Thomas’ 1977 fling with Billy Jean King, complete with what would likely be the most horrific pictures ever to be posted publically.”

PW: “What do you hope to accomplish now that you have re-entered the public domain?  Obviously, a book deal is in the future.  What message are you hoping to send by telling your story?”

COCK: “I suppose what I really want to say is that I’m really just like any other GAY PORN COCK.  Prick me, do I not bleed?  Stroke me long enough, do I not, y’know –”

PW: “Gotcha.  Sure.  But let me ask you directly, for the record. Are you gay?”

COCK: “I go where I’m told, to be honest with you.  And from my perspective?  There’s not a whole lot of difference from one cave to the next.”

PW: “Fair enough.  And one final question:  many blogs ‘carried the water’ in your defense while you were silent.  Is there anything you would like to say to those blogs and to your supporters at large?”

COCK: “Well, naturally I’d like to thank them, but I will say that this whole thing hasn’t been a total nightmare.  I mean, I’m a good looking COCK, aren’t I?  And there’s lots of interest in a good looking COCK on both sides of the political divide. 

“No, I suspect in the long run, this experience will prove to be quite beneficial to both Jeff and me.  And in the meantime, I can take solace in the fact that, at least for the time being, I am a definite front runner for Time Magazine’s GAY PORN COCK of the Year.  Provided such an award exists, of course.”

PW: “Well, Powerline got an award, so…”

COCK: “Exactly.  And a COCK can dream, can’t it?”

****

More on the BIGGEST SCANDAL SINCE WATERGATE here.

Posted by Jeff G. @ 9:51pm
84 comments | Trackback

Comments (84)

  1. Must Credit. Snarf. Who are you mocking? Mocking mocker.

  2. This one will go down in the history books!!!!!  I curtsy and honour you, sir!!

  3. Jeff,

    You’re making too big of a deal about his COCK. What about his BALLS. What good is a COCK without BALLS?

  4. “Well, I can’t presume to speak for the White House, but were it up to me, I’d slap myself across Frank Lautenberg’s stupid face a couple of times, then challenge that wizened old fruit to a pissing contest.”

    Some sentences defy comment; they can only be presented as-is, without further adornment, for genuflection and awe.

  5. It is, indeed, a thing of rare beauty.

    “Or pretty soon you’ll hear Drudge pushing a WorldNetDaily story of Helen Thomas’ 1977 fling with Billy Jean King, complete with what would likely be the most horrific pictures ever to be posted publically.”

    Oh yeah. You go subscription. We pay.

  6. I second that emotion.

  7. You did good for someone with water in their ear.

  8. If I may make a serious comment about an in-depth intervew between a blogger and an EIGHT INCH GAY HOMOSEXUAL GAY ESCORT CUT COCK OF GAY HYPOCRISY:

    The COCK speaks truth to power:

    But for my part—and in stark contrast to some of the liberal detractors who have gone after both Jeff and me—I see no necessary disconnect between being gay and being conservative, or between being gay and being religious, or between being gay and disagreeing with major changes in social policy decided upon not by the voters of a given state, but by a one-vote margin on a liberal state Supreme Court.

    Jeff’s EIGHT INCH CUT COCK ain’t the only thing putatively gay that thinks like this.  There are no such disconnects.  It isn’t hypocrisy for a man-loving man to be politically conservative, to be practicing his conservative religious beliefs, or to believe that a particular political outcome should not be imposed by judicial fiat, regardless of that outcome.

    Big ol’ thanks for stating what should be obvious.

    Now go back to making amusing comments, now, please.

  9. Did you shake hands with him as he left? hmmm

    Turing word: provided

    {/got nuthin’}

  10. I hate these kinds of interviews though. Too damn much stroking.

  11. Ok, someone has to say it……..Is there really not a whole lot of difference from one cave to the next?  And here I was thinking I had something special.  And what right does COCK have to offer these incriminating opinions?

  12. Claudette, Careful, you might activate the Depravity Option again. Yesterday it was nipples, now they’re going to start on caves.

  13. Jeff, I hope you realize that you have just excited Oliver Willis into a large and sticky goo-pond the size of Lake Erie.

    I hope you are ready to take full responsibility for that and fund the cleanup.

  14. Spelunking can be dangerous to the inexperienced!

  15. Hey Jeff, when the COCK was talking, was its tiny litle hole opening and closing like Senor Wences’ sock puppet?  Just asking.

    Keyword, “perhaps.” Again, you can NOT make this shit up!

    “Alright?”

    “Alright!”

    “OK?”

    “OK!”

  16. Well done, Jeff Goldstein!  That is a veritable tour de force.

    You could write a book and title it La Verge Qui Parle.

    Turing word: dark

  17. CraigC – Quit while you’re a head. Er -

  18. C’est vrai, M. Villon.

  19. Speaking of that, JW, do you think it had button eyes?

  20. And a little painted-on mustache?

  21. And a little bow tie painted on its balls?

  22. Little tiny cigarette in a little tiny holder at a jaunty angle?

  23. Teeny little tam’o’shanter with matching scarf?

  24. CraigC,

    LOL!  Señor Wences!  Too funny. S’alright? S’ok!

    Maybe Jeff’s new computer will let him make a

    Jib Jab-style video along those lines. . .

  25. On second thought, don’t quit CraigC. Sawdight!

  26. Tiny man-purse strapped over his, um, shoulder?

  27. Any COCK’ll tell ya, its the accessories that count.

  28. - Ok….time for a little bumper car action here…. just for the record it was a hand puppet with a wig and lipstick and either a hell of a good TV impression or decidedly fem….

    - And the S’allright/S’ok was in-a-box so we never got to see what the stroke was like….

    - And as far as caves… every one I’ve ever been in had its own charm and and delicious attributes, as well as delightful ambiance and state of the art decor’….In the venacular “Nice spreads”….

    - and no this doesn’t mean the Depravity Option sign is lit…. “Deefee’cult ford’ hue…. ford’ Mee veddy ease’he….”

    Jeff put down that mouse and step away from the touring machine…. “zipper”

  29. Any COCK’ll tell ya, its the accessories that count.

    Yes, and if it’s raining outside he could be wearing his rubbers.

    I hear he lives in a condominium. . .

  30. Jeff,

    I don’t think the GAY PORN COCK is OF LIES.  That thing was always an upstanding member of society, firm in its principles, and ready to freely ejaculate opinion.  The GAY PORN COCK OF TRUTH is that which you shared the one-on-one session.

    Question: will your wife be suspicious when the Visa statement has a $200 charge (no tip, as previously stated) for “Talon News”?

    CraigC,

    Are you sure Senor Wences was a sock puppet?  I thought he was a furled hand with lipstick and a wig.  Like Joan Rivers.

  31. - Don’t think it could have been Joan Rivers… it didn’t have a mustache….

  32. Well it wasn’t Mortimer Snerd.

  33. Answer me this, Frank. Why is verge feminine?

    La Verge Qui Parle does a commercial for QuelPenis!com:

    La Verge: Il n’y a que les hommes pour penser que la taille n’a pas d’importance. Gagnez quelques centimetres! Oui, l’agrandissement est possible…..

  34. - Even more puzzling….why is vigina masculine…..

  35. http://www.aaz-sexe.com/methode-agrandissement-verge.asp

    (You don’t need to read French to understand this.)

  36. I think that guy has his head up his ass. Maybe it isn’t his, though.

  37. <a href=”” target=”_blank” class=”text”>http://www.aaz-sexe.com/methode-agrandissement-verge.asp</a&gt;

    oops, pushed the wrong button

  38. If you think I haven’t notified Karl Rove, Alberto Gonzalez, and Donald Rumsfeld about all the froggy-talk going on here, you’ve got another thing coming.

    And by “another thing coming,” I mean a hitch in Gitmo.  ‘Cause when you “parlay-voo,” the terrorists win.

  39. We are so on to Jeff and the anti-spam. New theory: Anti-spam asks if Jeff wants to put in certain words or if he wants randomly generated words. Being the meticulous blogger that he is, Jeff puts in a sentence or two that have to do with the post and we get them one word at a time. Perhaps randomly generated, perhaps in sentence order.

    Okay, Bill. You can call me paranoid now. I’m ready.

  40. I already did a hitch at Gitmo. Two, in fact. We didnn’t frigging torture people there when I was there, either. Well, some of the WAVES did.

  41. oh crap, never mind

  42. It’s just an expression, Big Bang.

  43. Excursus 1: How does a single thread unravel?

  44. BBH you make a good point, especially since it’s feminine in Latin.

  45. JW–See above.

  46. Well at least godemichet is properly masculine……

  47. How does a single thread unravel?

    Is that one of those Cohen things JWebb? Like the sound of one hand clapping?

  48. State-of-the-art decor. That just sounds itchy to me.

  49. - white silk with ruffles Ana…. not at all itchy……

  50. And all of this GAY COCK PORN LIES stuff is starting to look like GAY POPCORN LIES to me. Which is weird.

  51. - Moi imagines gail going crazy somewhere in Seattle trying to translate godemichet…..

  52. gail, I think you mean a “koan,” which is a Zen thing.  A “Cohen” is a neocon thing.  You’d be better served by asking the distinguished Senator from West Virginia’s Kleagle hood about “Cohens” than you would be by asking JWebb, if you know what I mean.

  53. Just don’t make it crunch in your mouth, Ana.  Please.

  54. I think gay popcorn lies sound intriguing…..

  55. Sean M., I was just making a funny. BBH, I’m not in Seattle.

  56. - I make it a point to never get close to any caves that make crunchy noises……

  57. I was just making a funny, too, gail.

    Well, as funny as you can get when you think about the fact that a former member of the KKK is a sitting U.S. Senator…

    …ummmm, on further reflection, it’s not so much funny as it’s sad.

  58. Sean, I got your funny & I thought it was funny & I was just making sure you got mine. And didn’t really think I don’t know a koan from a Cohen.

  59. I’m a neo-koanservative,, myself.

  60. Well, if Howard Dean makes an inflammatory comment in a Kansas backyard or a Baltimore hotel ballroom, and nobody in the MSM calls him on it, did it really happen?

  61. Gail,

    Lol!  Yes, and le con is masculine.

    I’ve always said that they should call them “Class A” nouns and “Class B” nouns because grammatical gender has little to do with biological gender.

    Of course, languages such as Latin and German would require a “Class C” of nouns too for the neuter ones.

  62. Mark Twain parodies a German grammar exercise this way:

    Where is the turnip? She is in the pantry.

    Where is the beautiful young maiden? It is at the opera.

  63. .. and “where is the eunich. They are in the bell tower”.

  64. I’m partial to snow koans.

  65. … with nuts!.  You gotta have nuts.

  66. Nuts on snow cones? Is that a Canadian thing?

  67. No … only nuts on snow koans.

  68. Jeff, please.  I’ve never seen such soft balls questions.

  69. COCK: “I go where I’m told, to be honest with you.  And from my perspective?  There’s not a whole lot of difference from one cave to the next.”

    They say that opinions are like ‘Caves’.. Everyone has one… but… The statement above seems to me to be overly simplistic, stereotypical, bigoted and just not very inclusive or PC. Plainly, ‘Caves’ of both genders exist across the whole political spectrum. Witness the myriad types of ‘Caves’ found in Washington DC alone.. Hell, even the assortment on KOS or DU is legion.

    I think that you’ve done an injustice to all Caves by perpetuating such stereotypes and an injustice to all gay Cocks by presenting them as shallow when plainly they’re not..

    To give a more circumspect view of the broad range of Caves and Cave opinions and political thought I think you need to do an in depth survey of Caves from both sides of the aisle. And no softballs questions.. You should delve deeply into their views and attitudes. And don’t forget the teenage demographic. The youth Caves need to be explored as much as any other.. Maybe more now that they appear to be the last really untapped voting block (untapped except by Clinton and Condit that is)..

    I look forward to a counterpoint from a high visibility Cave or Cave-ette soon.. (Can I say ‘Cave-ette ? Is that PC, or is ‘Cave’ gender neutral?.. I’m confused again…)

    Oh, one last suggestion.. I’ve heard from several reliable sources that Ward Churchill is FAR MORE than 1/64th Cave on his father’s side . Perhaps he would be a good counterpoint interview representing the extreme liberal view. I think he’s also laid claim to being 1/64th Dickhead Tribe as well… Maybe he can head up a new Genital Identity Studies Dept at U of C.. Just a thought…

    -BPM

    Turing word: school

    sounds like it’s fated to be….

  70. BPM, the feminine form of Cave is Crevasse.

  71. Thanks Gail.. I’m trying to learn blue state Newspeak but like any foreign language it’s slow going… I stand corrected..

    Let me restate.. I’d like to see more high visibility ‘Crevasses’… There.. is that better? Speaking of crevasses, where does Paris stand on these issues? Paris Hilton that is.. not the city in Francostan .. Paris Hilton.. Now there’s a great Crevasse interview I’d like to read… I just know she’s a deep thinker over a wide breadth of subjects.. and she can handle the hard questions over and over..

    -BPM

    Turing: other

  72. Men don’t make passes at girls in crevasses.

  73. Gail,

    One more question.. What’s the plural of Cravasse? Would one say “There’s a lot of Cravasse out there.” -or- “There are many Crevasses out there.”

    I like to be correct in my usage of the language.

    -BPM

    spam word: keep

    As in “keep you gay porn cock of lies away from her cravasse please..”

  74. Crevasse.. Crevasse.. Crevasse.. Not Cravasse.. I’m really not dyslexic.. I’m just stoopid and cant spell worth a sh*t…even when the word is right in front of me.

    Spam word: Lot

    As in lots of crevasse ?

  75. BPM: I think McG answered your question.

    LOL McG

  76. You want pictures to go with that? I GOTS pictures!

    CyberJeff!

  77. Pingback: The Nez of Comment Spam [Dan Collins]

  78. Excellent Web Site! Very professional and full of great information. I am greatly enjoying it. Your enthusiasm is wonderful!!!

  79. I admire you on the willingness to share this info with others – good luck!

  80. ??? ??????? ??? ????????? ?????

  81. Thank you!Jeff, I hope you realize that you have just excited Oliver Willis into a large and sticky goo-pond the size of Lake Erie.

    I hope you are ready to take full responsibility for that and fund the cleanup.

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