Iowahawk takes up Christopher “Santa” Kringle’s request to Congress for a slice of the bailout pie, here. Iowahawk credulously and uncritically accepts the testimony of Toyweek columnist Charles Kessler in this passage:
Veteran market watcher Charles Kessler of ToyWeek said SantaCorp’s labor cost structure was a significant factor in its recent struggles.
“After the 1982 strike SantaCorp offered the UET a generous pension plan promising free lifetime candy canes and unicorns,” explained Kessler. “It seemed like a good idea at the time, but the company accountants forgot to factor in elf immortality.”
What Iowahawk fails to mention is that SantaCorp had this labor agreement thrust upon them in the wake of the Wonka Oompa-Loompa Scandal of 1980. By whom? Congress.
Many of you were too young, probably, to remember what was happening at that troubled time. Federal Prosecutors were following leads in the case of a girl, Veruca Salt, and her father, who had disappeared under strange circumstances during a tour of Wonka’s production facilities, when they discovered that Wonka was utilizing the captive labour of an orange-skinned indigenous people known as the Oompa-Loompas (corruption of the Portuguese “alaranjados lobos” or “orange wolves”). The Oompa-Loompas originally hailed from the highlands of Sri Lanka, but were displaced. They retired to the upland jungles where they waged a guerilla war with the Tamil Tigers, and were getting the worst of it. Wonka offered to repatriate them to the UK, but used them rather harshly. Internal documents show that Wonka rationalized his treatment of the Oompa-Loompas as protecting them from the predations of vermicious knids,* which palaeontologists believe actually became extinct in the late 17th Century.
Under pressure from the UN, Congress in 1980 drafted and passed the Tiny Indigenes Benefits Act (TIBA), and forced SantaCorp into adopting it by threatening to withdraw overflight rights, in concert with the government of Canada. And that is why we are where we are today, Mr. Burge.
I do think, though, that Kringle could have had more clout with the committee had he driven a battery powered car from the North Pole rather than relied on his private sleigh and reindeer. And before you call me a shill for Kringle (Greenwald), keep in mind that I’ve called him out rather harshly over the effect of reindeer farts on global warming.
(h/t Patterico, who can perhaps provide more background on the Veruca Salt case)
*Whether or not they are technically vermicious is another matter.
UPDATE: Wonkacaust denier Loren Heal (Thyself) holds forth in the comments. Unbelievable.
MORE: You can contact Burge’s editor at Anorak and let him know what you think of Mr. Burge’s libel of Kringle here: editor@anorak.co.uk
MY LETTER to Burge’s Anorak editor:
Dear Sir,
I am glad that this has appeared on his own website rather than in your pages, but I want to express my outrage at David “Iowahawk” Burge’s misportrayal of the events leading to Christopher “Santa” Kringle’s financial difficulties. I think it would behoove your publication, particularly at this time of year, to repudiate these misconstructions in the strongest possible terms.
Biased Reporting in Iowahawk Piece about Santa [Dan Collins; UPDATED]
Yours truly,
Dan Collins
Please be civil if you decide to write. BTW, I emailed Instapundit about this this morning, but Mr. Nebbish Overlord thinks it’s more important to post polls.
Fuckin’ Oompa Loompa’s. I knew that eventually, all that ails us would be traced back to midgets and clowns.
I thought Reagan fired P.E.T.C.O. (Professional Elves Toymaking and Crafts organization).
Lots of people think that, Mikey. Not many remember that the labor unrest in ’82 was due to an exercise program that Kringle installed as a response to elf obesity brought on by the ’80 agreement.
Sounds like a cue to roll out Scalzi’s list of the Ten Least Successful Holiday Specials of All Time.
#3 is relevant.
This is a joke, right? Wonka was a fictional character, so any critique of Burge based on Wonkian history must take that into account. I see no mention of it whatsoever. Before you start in on Iowahawk’s well-documented, thoroughly researched and academically rigorous treatment of the “bailout” “crisis” as it affects Mr. Claus, you should consider what’s up your own chimney. Sir.
JD: Ha! You owe me a new keyboard!
If it’s all the same to you, Loren, I’d prefer not to know what’s up Dan’s “chimney.”
Academically rigorous?! You’re kidding, right? As far as “fictional” goes, you probably think Congress has the best interests of TEH CHILDREN!!! in mind. Fiction? Tell it to the Oompa-Loompas, Wonka denier.
When it comes to Wonka and the little brown men, the science is clear. The debate is over. We need to act now or the world will face a candy shortages and a rising tide of thinness on a cataclysmic scale.
You think that there are that many carny positions available, Loren? Think of JD.
Wonka denier.
That’s not a wonka denier. That’s a wonka denier.
Santa had better be flying coach when he comes to DC.
Someone better check and make sure Santa’s sleigh is carbon neutral. I have a feeling that the needless trecking across the entire planet must spew untold amounts of carbon.
I still like the idea of an alternate ending for Rudolph, where Rudolph gets even for Santa and the other reindeer being total dicks.
In my version, Rudolph leads them out into the heart of the storm, then cuts himself free from his harness and leaves them to their fate.
Sure, just rewrite history, SBP.
Oh, for the love of all that is holy and pure, enough with the little evil painted midget Oompa Loompa’s.
Rudolph always sounded to me like someone with a huge coke habit.
My version is the original, Dan. It’s similar to the original versions of Grimm’ fairy tales, where the evil stepmother would (e.g.) be forced to put on red-hot iron boots and dance until she died.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
“See you in Hell, bitches!”
— Rudolph, the True Story
Personally, I liked the Oompa-Loompas better when, back in the day, they wore black leather mittens and carried poisoned daggers. How about you, JD?
I think those were Ninja-Loompas, BJ.
[…] Blagojevich sought PETCO position. Posted by Dan Collins @ 8:19 am | Trackback SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: “Blagorahma […]
No, Spies, the Ninja-Loopers and their obese cousins the Sumo-Loopers all wore black scarj=fs to go along with the mittens and carried two short swords and blowguns. Isn’t that right, JD?
I can’t believe you guys are jacking this thread.
Oh and the Jolly Jack Doolie-Loompas plied the seven seas raiding sugar cane ships out of Cuba. Right JD?
Something in my altogether innocent and supportive comments seems to have struck bone. “Wonka denier” indeed. I am a scientist, Mr. Collins, and so I have studied this matter in some detail. The consensus of other scientists is that Willy Wonka is a character from a work of fiction, and that the Oompa-Loompas are ahistorical. Some say Wonka’s from a motion picture starring Gene Wilder, while others point to older texts as predating the Wilder screen epic. That research is ongoing. But none find a person who can be called a basis for him. It’s a consensus.
He’s pure myth, and the sooner you get off this topic and apologize to Burge and the Claus company, the better for your credibility. And it will go better for your stocking, if you know what I mean (and I think you do).
First off, Kringle is no longer permitted to provide anthracite coal to the deserving, such as myself. And second, if you read closely, you will see that it is Burge and not I who is claiming that SantaCorp brought this state of affairs on themselves, Ms. Science.
How did Willy Wonka get all of the Oompa Loompas to sit still long enough to paint them? Which leads me to my next question … if you could manage to get a herd of evil Ooompa Loompas to sit still long enough to paint them, why not do something productive with them, like insitutionalize the evil shits, or what them all upside the head with a rubber mallet, or ship them off to Gitmo. Why paint them?
I am shocked, Shocked! that Loren could be so cynical as to deny the Wonkacaust…
NEVER AGAIN!
JD, he didn’t paint them. Their coloration is a result of betelnut abuse.
I understand that there is a line item in this years budget to establish a national Wonkacaust museum in DC…
Anybody who thinks Oompa Loompas are the embodiment of evil has never seen the Star Wars Christmas Special. Bea Arthur and Ewoks in the same room? >shudder<
Oompa-Loompa’s have disappeared from society because (and I hate to bring this up on a family blog) they fully embraced the homosexual lifestyle. It started with gay Oompa-Looma marriage. Within a short time they abandoned their women, and went to live in all-male communities such as Wonka’s. Within a generation … they were gone.
This is a cautionary tale.
There’s some crazy talk of using DNA to recreate them, Carin. Sorry, JD.
Dan – Hence my problem with cloning …
This thread has seamlessly moved from the satirical to the bizarre to the surreal. Masel Tov!
Carin, I’ll bet they had legal gay marriage too! SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU MESS WITH LONG STANDING TRADITIONS? DENIALISTS AND ARMAGEDDON, THAT’S WHAT!
Loren: Your science is based on outdated notions of customary mores that have since been laid aside by modern, liberal societies. Your obviously partisan extremist views are clearly the result of your landing on the Kringle Company payroll as a paid mouthpiece to ply the notion of a benevolent St. Nick, despite evidence of exploitation and serial obesity. No educated and enlightened person living on aither coast is taken in by your self aggrandizing deceit and politically motivated denials for profit.
SPEAK TROOF TO CHOCOLATE! FREE THE OOMPA-LOOMPAS FROM IGNORANCE AND CAPITALISM!!
You think that you could sell Oompa Loompa as a form of colorful charcoal briquets?
SOBriquets?
Brilliant.
First off, Kringle is no longer permitted to provide anthracite coal
A transparent ploy by the KKKarbon lobby. As if bituminous coal, lignite, or peat are any better.
Killing the Earth and damaging the self-esteem in one shot. Nice.
Could there be a more telling example of what we’ve come to in ChimpyMcHitlerBurton’s AmeriKKKa?
Soylent Orange.
#15 SBP:
Raging Rudolph.
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=Q_RH44K0x_4
You’d think a troll would’ve shown up by now to string shit all over this thread too. Is it possible that they found it in their heart to exempt this one thread from their collective wisdom and wit? Or are they just negligent today?
Good one, Mikey. It’s been a long time since I saw that. Didn’t they do a takeoff on Apocalypse Now, also?
Sticky B: I’d guess they’re holding their breaths until they find out what Blago is going to say today.
This turned up in the “related” sidebar for the video that Mikey NTH posted: Full Metal Christmas.
Let’s try that again: Full Metal Christmas
Sticky – it’s because most trolls are totally devoid of humor.
It’s true.
This country will not reach its full potential until every Oompa-Loompa owns a house.
Are Oompa-Loompa’s hobbits that are really into plastic surgery and tanning beds?
Christ. You guys will believe anything.
Are Oompa-Loompa’s hobbits that are really into plastic surgery and tanning beds?
That was good, SBP.
Now how did that happen?
[…] Dan Collins is unpersuaded: “What Iowahawk fails to mention is that SantaCorp had this labor agreement thrust upon them […]
You know, if you guys keep the Oompa Loompas in the headlines like this, the Munchkins are going to be able to slip a lot of shit past us under the radar. Cool it, and keep an eye on those little dirtbags.
Analysts Speculate that SantaCorp could be bought by the DongFeng Toy & Lead Products Factory #1 and relocate to Guangzhau.
Any society that elevates Oompa Loompa’s in the manner in which you nefarious perfidious clowns do is destined for failure. Add in a dirty little socialist, and it is like an 18-wheeler careening down an icy mountain without any brakes, headed straight for hell. At night, the ice weasels come …
Have you had your blog quoted on the floor of the US Senate like Loren Heal has? I think not. Good day, sir. I said good day.
Wonka denier indeed.
I agree with JD that Oompa Loompa’s are basically one of the signs of the Apocolypse.
Yet another bailout, this is ridiculous. Hanukkah Harry has the same regulatory hurdles, yet is able to provide seven days of gifts at a profit! Sorry, Santa needs to file for Chapter 11 and adopt economically feasible policies.
Furthermore, this whole Wonkacaust denial obfuscates the real issues. Many magically creative creatures, such as dwarves, gnomes, and even gnargles are perfectly able to provide competitive gifting options without requiring massive, uncompetitive unionized hierarchies that require constant subsidization.
Finally, many people who hide behind the plight of the Oompa Loompas and North Pole elves routinely engage in anti-smurfite propaganda, almost openly supporting Gargamel’s terror tactics against America’s greatest magical allies in the ongoing war against Gremlins and other evil doers.
[…] Biased Reporting in Iowahawk Piece about Santa [Dan Collins; UPDATED] What Iowahawk fails to mention is that SantaCorp had this labor agreement thrust upon them in the wake of the Wonka Oompa-Loompa Scandal of 1980. By whom? Congress. […]
Official Statement of the East Pole Toy Company:
We are pleased to submit our bid of 400 million rice cakes for the machinery and assets of SantaCorp. Children around the world can look forward to a continuation of Christmas traditions, particularly the red suits, as we continue our Long March towards being a Christmas superpower by the year 2020.
Sincerely,
East Pole Toy Company
Yes, Virginia, there IS a Sanity Clause.