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Lumpy, Whitey, Wally, and the Beave: a genealogy

First off, Lumpy: turns out that what my primary physician thought was a lipoma is actually calcification and bone fragment around what is a broken rib on the mend. At least, that’s what the MRI shows. A CT scan would give us a better idea, but for the time being, my doctor and I are just content to lay back and let the thing heal.

So, a welcome relief, just in time for my birthday today. When I turn 24 or thereabouts. Ahem.

I first hurt the rib in March during baseball workouts, but I kept on with strength and conditioning training anyway, thinking that what I had was an intercostal muscle pull, or maybe a slight cartilage tear. From there, I started P90X, which incorporated a lot of yoga and core work into my routine, and (evidently) strengthened the muscles around the injury to the point where I didn’t much feel it any more. It wasn’t until the end of November, in fact — during more combat-oriented sport training — that I re-aggravated the injury, probably during BJJ practice, or maybe during a Krav Maga kick absorbing drill.

All of which means that I’ve been engaging in full contact fighting with a broken rib for several months, making me, by any objective standard, one of the baddest mutherfuckers on the planet.

As for Whitey, Wally, and the Beave? Little bitches, the whole lot of ’em.

In fact, Tony Dow had better fetch me a sandwich, before I track him down and slap him with my

51 Replies to “Lumpy, Whitey, Wally, and the Beave: a genealogy”

  1. Jeff G. says:

    CARIC!

  2. yay! that’s got to be good for someone at your age. ;D

  3. Pablo says:

    Have you considered giving that rib up for building a woman out of? We could probably put a bitch like that in charge of Israel and and get fucking everything fixed.

    Quick, get God on the phone. We can get this thing worked out.

  4. Jeff G. says:

    Sorry, he ain’t returning my calls, Pablo.

    Probably afraid I’d kick his non-corporeal ass.

  5. Pablo says:

    OK, I’ll give it a shot. I’m banging His secretary so I can probably get through.

  6. Pablo says:

    Hey, has anyone ever had their cell phone spontaneously explode in their hand? Fuck, that hurts. WTF?!

    Oh, happy birthday, Jeff!

  7. happyfeet says:

    That’s good news. Happy Birthday sir. I visit this blog from time to time and I always read your posts with interest.

  8. happyfeet says:

    I still don’t get that genealogy thing though even though I know I’ve already googled it at least twice.

  9. nishizonoshinji says:

    wow that is awesum newz!!!
    since ur rib cant be used for the greater good of israel….perhaps u cud offer it as a backbone implant for mccain?
    i might vote for a hybridized goldstein/mccain chimera.
    ;)

  10. nishizonoshinji says:

    happyfeet i think its a Leave It to Beaver reference….a much beloved tv sitcom from the dawn of the television age.
    one of Jeffie G’s cultural allusions that sadly passes over my head as well.
    i dont always get them.

  11. happyfeet says:

    Ok I googled again.

    A term particularly associated with Nietzsche, occurring in the title of his book The Genealogy of Morals. Genealogy is part historical reconstruction of the way certain concepts have come to have the shape they do, and part a ‘rational reconstruction’ or story about the function they serve, which may or may not correspond to historical evolution. In the hands of Nietzsche himself, and those influenced by him such as Foucault, genealogies tend to be subversive and destructive, undermining any attachment to the concepts they consider. But similar stories surrounding the evolution of law or society, conventions and other institutions, may be quite reassuring, highlighting the adaptive functions such developments have served.

    It means a reassuring story. Like Miyazaki movies I think.

  12. Pablo says:

    It’s the Mitt Romney influence, ‘feets. notMcCain, you see.

  13. gebrauchshund says:

    If God is non-corporeal does he even have an ass?

    OT – I’m planning to sign up for another tour in Iraq (Police Advisor), but I need to find a good home for my dog, who happens to be the Best Dog Evah! A 5 year old 96 lb neutered male Dobie, very healthy, fit, affectionate, and spoiled rotten. Anybody in the Denver to Pueblo area who might be able to help please e-mail me.

  14. Jeff G. says:

    Wish I could. Got two of my own, and with a four-year-old around, that’s about all I can handle.

  15. nishizonoshinji says:

    wow i missed u guyz……more and more jeffies blog is like an alternative reality game.
    thers no place like home.

  16. alppuccino says:

    In college, I played a whole football game while I couldn’t remember if I had left the hotplate on in the dorm room. So sell toughness somewhere else, we’re all stocked up here.

    Glad to hear you’re not growing another head out of your thorax. Well, kind of.

  17. bjtexs says:

    I wouldn’t suggest taking on god, Jeff. He has a three finger yabaza strike that’s undefendable and paralyzes you for life.

    Happy Birthday!

  18. Enoch_Root says:

    happy b day Jeff. good tidings, indeed.

  19. Timstigator says:

    I miss Jeff G. Speaking of lipomas, I have about 20 of ’em. They’re fun to play with.

  20. PattyAnn says:

    Happy Birthday, Jeff.

  21. jdm says:

    Happy birthday, Jeff. You’ll need that training with the youngin’. If I recall, 4’s about when they don’t stop doing anything until they collapse.

  22. BumperStickerist says:

    Happy Birthday, Jeff

    though, in point of fact, MMA is just a way for guys to express their latent homosexuality in socially acceptable ways. So does playing any non-professional ball-and-stick sport after the age of 30 which has “workouts” and doesn’t involve drinking beer during the game itself.

    If you invested a lot of time recently choosing household appliances or bought anything other than a Weber grill … well, you might as well just come clean, and post a rainbow colored triangle in the sidebar.

    Just sayin’

  23. serr8d says:

    Happy Birthday, Jeff. You’ll find that they tend to come along quicker, now, but better news is you’ll tend to forget them sooner as well.

    But forgetting about that ‘lipoma’ is something you’ll enjoy.

    Oh, jdm…”You’ll need that training with the youngin’. If I recall, 4’s about when they don’t stop doing anything until they start college.”

    fixed that for you…

  24. nishizonoshinji says:

    malkin and coulter both come out for bilary….can goldstein be far behind?

  25. serr8d says:

    I’m voting Obama next Tuesday. For two reasons. One, a vote against the Hildabeast, and two, a protest against the short-bus Republicans left in the primary race.

    There’s no reason not to, at this stage.

  26. DarthRove says:

    Chuck Norris called, wants to know if you’re free between eleven and noon so he can grovel at your feet.

  27. TmjUtah says:

    Happy Birthday, sir!

    As time goes by you will find that it’s the miles, not the years, that make the difference.

    I’ve never done much formal martial arts training; not the hand to hand, at least. That’s mainly because of those pesky broken and or seperated ribs back there around several different mile markers. I don’t have to be able to look over my left shoulder to aim a pistol. Thank goodness.

    Or it could have been the artillery experience. Doing God’s work with a radio, some binos, and a nasty cup of coffee.

  28. Darleen says:

    Happy Birthday, boss!!

  29. SGT Ted says:

    Happy Birthday Jeff.

  30. ccs says:

    Happy Birthday Jeff!

    If you wnt real fun in the rib dept you should try breaking 15 at once with a cracked sternum. It hurt to breathe, hell it hurt to move. Never get in the way of an angry cow.

  31. MayBee says:

    BJJ practice

    I’m trying to figure out just what kind of practice this is, but it does sound like it might wrench your back a little.
    Happy Birthday!!!

  32. daleyrocks says:

    Happy Birthday Jeff.

    Birthdays only come once a year. Aren’t you glad you’re not a birthday?

  33. Many happy returns…

    Of course it would be nice to just get the stuff you want in the first place.

    Glad you’re OK, I got four kids at home with strep.

  34. MarkD says:

    I’ll believe 24 hexadecimal. That’s 36 for you decimal people.

  35. Big Dan says:

    @gebrauchshund

    In my previous life I had adopted a Dobie exactly like you described. Never knew exactly how old he was, but he was in pretty good shape and a great companion.

    Later I temporarily adopted a 110 lb Great Dane who thought that she belonged upstairs, so she chewed and scratched her way through the basement door trying to get upstairs. “I will not be IGNORED”, even though I was just off at work… Also scary to see her lift an entire pizza right off the kitchen counter without even lifting her front paws off the ground…

    Jeff: Tangyobi Omeditou!

  36. mojo says:

    Aw, and here I didn’t get ya nothin’… Mostly because I had no clue.

    Go figure, huh?

    So the lump is a busticated rib, huh? I bet that’s a relief. Lumps are bad, in my opinion. Other than, y’know, front-bumps.

    24? I don’t believe 24. 36 maybe. Or even the dreaded (gasp!) 40…

    Vaya con Dios, mi amigo!
    — 1942

  37. baldilocks says:

    Happy Birthday! Glad the alien mass was no big deal.

  38. Belvedere jones says:

    Knew a guy in high school. His leg broke during a wrestling match — he went ahead and pinned the guy before letting anyone know.

    This was the mid-70’s. He was from Laos and made a point of occasionally wearing a tshirt that read “Not Vietnamese”.

  39. lee says:

    Everyone is wishing you a happy birthday Jeff, so, just to be different, let me extend the box of chocolates wish.

    Drunken birthday Jeff!

  40. nishizonoshinji says:

    hmmmm…i think i hav another armadillo for u too.

  41. Diana says:

    Happy Birthday, young fella. That’d be closing in on half a century. Right?

  42. Timmer says:

    Happy Birthday. I haven’t been reading a lot of blogs for the past few months…was hsppy to see you were still around when I came back

  43. SarahW says:

    Congrats on more oldness!
    Good news about the badness, on every level. If I were in a shortcutty mood, I would still respect your lawn.

  44. Education Guy says:

    Happy Birthday Jeff! My own internal research (of the bums down on K street) reveals that Tequilla is the proper medicine for healing a broken rib. If you doubt the advice, you should see how happy they are when I stop kicking them in chest and allow them to continue drinking. It’s science.

  45. happyfeet says:

    This is a ‘blank slate’ day, when anything is possible. The outcome depends only on your imagination! Sure, for some a blank canvas in an intimidating sight — where to begin? What to do? But for you, knowing that the sky’s the limit (and you can do whatever you want) will stir up your energies and get your creative juices really flowing! Your eagerness to get a new project going will help catapult you through this day with a bright smile on your face.*

    See that’s auspicious right there. When they say “anything is possible” they really mean it too cause of the way the stars and planets and stuff are aligned and all.

  46. Ric Locke says:

    Happy Birthday, Jeff.

    Mine is Sunday. 0x3C looks better than the decimal. A little bit.

    Regards,
    Ric

  47. Obstreperous Infidel says:

    Happy birthday, Jeff. I’m glad the lump wasn’t a “lump”. I’ll raise a glass of 15 year old Dalwhinnie for ya…

  48. mojo says:

    BTW:

    Until a man is twenty-five, he still thinks, every so often, that under the right circumstances he could be the baddest motherfucker in the world. If I moved to a martial-arts monastery in China and studied real hard for ten years. If my family was wiped out by Colombian drug dealers and I swore myself to revenge. If I got a fatal disease, had one year to live, and devoted it to wiping out street crime. If I just dropped out and devoted my life to being bad.
    Hiro used to feel this way, too, but then he ran into Raven. In a way, this was liberating. He no longer has to worry about being the baddest motherfucker in the world. The position is taken.

  49. happyfeet says:

    Why do I think maybe I’ve read that mojo? What’s it from?

  50. happyfeet says:

    Oh. Snow Crash.

  51. guinsPen says:

    As for Whitey, Wally, and the Beave? Little bitches, the whole lot of ‘em.

    The whole series, or just the early episodes?

    Happy Birthday, Jeff.

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