In a surprising turn of events, disgraced former USA Today reporter Jack Kelley has been named interim President of Haiti, sources close to Kelley report.

“It’s true. They named me interim President,” Kelley told a small gathering of reporters at a hastily arranged press conference near the US-Mexico border early Friday. “Which is way cool, because as I understand it, the job comes with, like, a private jet and a really kick-ass house. Oh, and my pick of the local hotties. So yeah, I’m taking it. I’d be crazy not to.”

Kelley, a 2001 Pulitzer Prize finalist who resigned in January amid rumors of job-related impropriety, shared with reporters his vision for bringing stability to the turbulent West Indies island nation — a vision he says includes “lots of casinos” and “possibly some jerk-chicken franchises.”

“What the Haitian people need now — more than anything else — is love, sweet love,” Kelley told reporters. “And I believe I can teach them the english word for that. Also, it wouldn’t hurt if they stopped hacking each other into mulch with machetes. But, y’know, first things first.”

Reached for comment, a State Department spokesman called the Kelley story “implausible,” but refused further comment until “I figure out what the hell it is you’re talking about.”

[update: more, via Croooow Blog]

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