…So I’m watching “Good Morning, America,” and Diane Sawyer is interviewing some bossy health Nazi who’s just written a book, Restaurant Confidential, promising to expose the “dirty little secrets” of restaurant fare. Among the startling revelations? That cheese fries are high in calories and fat, and that restaurants are giving you too much food for your money.

Curse your capitalism! Damn your double-edged potato skin generosity!

In fact, Diane Sawyer was shocked — shocked! — to learn that many appetizers served by restaurants have more calories and fat than the entrees (uh, you mean deep-fried cheese sticks are fattier than grilled chicken with a caper-cilantro relish? Hunh. The pecan pie and the side of spinach are pretty much interchangeable, though, right? Right?)

The Health Nanny’s solution to our “restaurant-food crisis” (which met with the requisite head-nodding from Ms. Sawyer, who’s never eaten a cheese fry in life)? 1. a government decree mandating that fat and calorie content be printed on every menu (and by every menu, she means those at Fridays or Black Eyed Pea, not at your swankier restaurants — because finer people in fancier clothing are intelligent enough to make their own decisions, thank you. It’s the masses she’s worried about.) 2. a major reduction in portion sizes 3. buy her book, and 4. why haven’t you bought her book? Don’t you know what’s good for you, people?

— Because you know how “people” are — most of ’em are too stupid to stop eating when they’re full, and none of ’em know what’s good for ’em, or is capable of deciding when and where to splurge on a fudge-covered dessert…

Well, I’ve got a message for ya, Health Priss: Soylent Green.

Soylent Green.

You’ve been warned.

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