Breaking news from Japan: ‘Giant lizard’ sparks emergency dispatch!

TORIDE, Ibaraki — Millions of hysterical little people living in Japan’s miniature cardboard cities stampeded for their lives today as a giant, rampaging lizard trampled power transformers and shot death flames from it’s monstrous, radiologically-enhanced snout, Mainichi Interactive reports.

‘Our city in flame,’ admitted a clearly shaken Mayor Yumi Kuroiwa, commenting from his heavily fortified bunker inside a secret mountain hideaway. Why the Mayor’s comments took the shape of comical broken English no one seems able to explain. ‘Have just one question: Where Johnny Sokko? Where big flying robot to help fight monster and save city?

‘…Okay…so maybe have two question.’

The Mayor says the damage to major industrial centers has reached catastrophic proportions, and that the military has been powerless to defeat the giant marauding reptile. He estimates that millions of people have been crushed to death in the attack.

‘If not stopped soon, monster destroy entire world,’ Kuroiwa predicted. ‘Where the fuck Ultraman…? Big, silver jag-off never around when need him. Hiyata! Hiyata…!

(Okay, so maybe I embroidered a tiny bit…) “I’m surprised Bitch-Ass Cracka didn’t call the Mayor ‘Oriental.'”

“Yeah. Bitch-Ass Cracka bling bling bugging.”

“That dim sum’s some good shit though, ain’t it?”

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