Delaware government attorney and bi-coastal supersleuth Fritz Schrank uncovers a plot by the California Coastal Commission (the bureaucratic arm of the California Illuminati, my sources insist) to “send a message” to sand-n-surf-hoarding gajillionairre David Geffen.

Reached for comment, famed Illuminati chronicler (and one-time surfing and calamari enthusiast) Robert Anton Wilson mused, “counter to what you’d anticipate, if you sniff glue long enough, your chances of seeing some divine Being actually decrease…! Me, I’ve been living inside the bag for a coupla decades now, and I’ve yet to glimpse so much as a single Heavenly sandal. Weird, huh?”

No one is quite sure what Wilson is talking about — least of all me.

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