Poor Geraldo…Not a whole lot happening near Tora Bora these days (comparatively, that is), so Commander Rivera has taken to interspersing his Fox News “Live” reports with video highlights of his recent dramatic exploits — y’know, a kind of “greatist hits” compilation — him geraldo-ing over rocks, geraldo-ing through caves and tunnels, geraldo-ing donkeys and horses with admirable aplomb… Meanwhile the “Live” Geraldo, his voice tinged with the stoic’s resolve, has nothing to report, save that — indeed — the huge craters and chunky, jagged rubble left in the wake of the U.S. bombings still dot the landscape, that dead and rotting Arab fighters are still dead and rotting (and no, no one’s returned their shoes), and that yes, he’s still carrying a firearm — though he hasn’t fired a shot in anger since he tried to take out Christiane Amanpour’s Sharper Image canteen (rumored to be filled with icy lime daiquiri). In fact, things have gotten so slow for Geraldo that even his prized ‘stache is takin’ it easy; intelligence reports have it sitting alone on a large rockpile, having a cigarette and a thick pastrami sandwich.

Would somebody please get this man to a military hotspot?

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