Just popped over to the Weekly Standard online to enjoy my daily helping of thoughtful conservative punditry — only to find Matt LaBash on Britney Spears (well, not literally on Britney — he’d have to peel Oliver Willis off, first) and David Skinner on Bernie Mac. Good luck shaking those images.

Clearly in my haste to find the perfect “mellow” I swallowed the wrong pills. Or maybe I just shouldn’t have chased ’em with tumbler full o’ whiskey. Britney and Bernie? In The Weekly Standard?

Hell, I’m almost afraid to check out The Nation for fear of finding a “Conservative Congressmen of the Southwest” swimsuit layout — far more frightening a prospect than it sounds, I can tell you that much. True story: I had a friend who accidentally caught a glimpse of Tom Tancredo (R-CO) in swimtrunks and was instantly turned to stone. Instantly. Finally I just broke him up with a pick axe and used used his pieces to landscape the pond in my backyard.

I mean, what the hell else was I gonna do with him…?

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