A lib buddy of mine forwarded me this email — “The Ten Commandments – Republican-style” — which I’m reprinting here, taking care to remove the original emailer’s identity. For the record, I’m not a “Republican” myself (though I’m conservative on certain issues) but such trifles shant prevent me from responding (which I do, in italics, below…).

Subject: The Ten Commandments–Republican-Style

Date: 2/17/02 3:52 PM Eastern Standard Time

From: [xxxxx]

Message-id: [xxxxxxxxxxxxx]@mb-cs.aol.com>

I. Thou shalt talk about Christian principles, but not live by them

Ia. What? How dare you question my religious integrity! But then, wait a sec… You are only human, I suppose…

…You know what? I’m going to forgive you. And you know what else? Just to show there are no hard feelings, I’m going to concede the point to you. That’s right: though your attack on my integrity was both groundless and unprovoked, I’ve decided to turn the other cheek…

II. Thou shalt attack opponents personally when you can’t win on policies

IIa. Really, asshole? Fuck you, then.

III. Thou shalt call yourself pro-life, but be in favor of the death penalty

IIIa. Actually, I call myself pro-choice (like Tom Ridge!), but I’m in favor of the death penalty for different reasons. To my way of thinking, those who violate the social contract to such a degree that they’re sentenced to death by a jury of their peers really do deserve to die. That we even retain the death penalty as the ultimate punishment in this country suggests the seriousness with which we regard the social contract.

IV. Thou shalt call yourself pro-life, and put guns in the hands of school children

IVa. I can honestly say that in all the years I’ve been alive I’ve never once seen a Republican handing out firearms to school children. Not once! And I’ve lived in several states.

Here’s what I think is happening: I think you’re confusing “Republicans” with liberal Democrats, and “guns” with condoms and pamphlets on fisting…

V. Thou shalt give lip service to democracy while taking away civil liberties

V. Do you have any specific “civil liberties” in mind? or are you just fond of the phrase “taking away civil liberties”? Surely your right to free speech hasn’t been stripped away; in fact, thanks to the internet and to a free-market economy, you’re in the historically unique position to be able to disseminate your sad, Old Testament parody all over the world (and in a matter of seconds, too! — though lord only knows why you’d want to). Here again, I think all the abstract terms are getting you slightly confused. Instead of writing, “taking away civil liberties,” I think what you meant to write was, “somehow putting up with ungrateful tools like me” — as in, “Thou shalt give lip service to democracy while somehow putting up with ungrateful tools like me.” Don’t thank us, though. Thank your civil liberties…

VI. Profit is the Lord Thy God, thou shalt not put the people’s interest above those of your corporate contributors

VIa. Wait, aren’t corporate contributors people too? So what you’re really saying is, “Profit is the Lord Thy God, thou shalt not put the people’s interest above those of… (other) people”? Hmm. Is this like that “colored people”/”people of color” riddle? At any rate, “profit” is important in a system that privileges capital (plus, it helps when you want to buy cool shit, whether for yourself or for “the people”), but I wouldn’t go so far as to deify it.

VII. Thou shalt make sure fetuses have health coverage, but leave children and babies behind

VIIa. Howso? By cutting taxes and putting more money back in your hands so that you can take some responsiblity for your own kids? By providing consumers with more control over their health care plans? Or are you being literal, and suggesting that somewhere, at some time, some Republican has left his kids in, say, a shopping mall or something…?

VIII Thou shalt bear false witness against your opponents and liberals, and demonize them

VIIIa. Did you say false witness? Why would anyone need to bear “false witness” against silly statements (made by those on both the left and the right) that are a matter of public record? When liberals have been “demonized” its been for inane utterances they made of their own free will. If thou shalt dish it out, thou shalt be prepared to take it…

IX. Thou shalt run on a moderate platform, then enact right-wing policies as soon as possible

IXa. …Like for instance, uh, er…well, you know what I’m talking about! The right-wing ones, remember? Those right-wing ones you enacted…? [tap tap] Is this thing on…?

X. Thou shalt call the media liberal, so that people forget that the media is owned by corporations with a conservative fiscal agenda

Xa. “Conservative fiscal agenda,” you say? Is that like some super pretentious way of saying that business owners hope to profit from their investments? Let’s see if we can re-state this last one a bit more clearly. Howsabout, ‘Thou shalt call the media liberal [because 87% of those who work for the mainstream media voted Democratic this last election], so that people forget that the media is owned by groups of people with a common interest who wish to profit from their investments (which, of course, has nothing at all to do with how the news is reported — though it could conceivably affect hiring practices).’ There. I can live with that…

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