Over the past few weeks…
My wife began a new job — she works from home ordinarily but the central office is out of New York, so she’s had to travel quite a bit, particularly here at the onset — so I’ve been left with the two boys and, Tanner being nearly two now, he doesn’t take kindly to my being preoccupied with anything other than him. In fact, while I was writing this, he emptied our garbage can and reset some of our electronics.
This has caused me to miss much of what is happening in politics, as well as miss coaching Satchel’s wrestling team, our regular baby sitter having lost here privileges when her parents weren’t pleased with her grades.
All in all (and I realize most of you don’t care about any of this, so consider the post my attempt at self-therapy), it’s been a brutal last few weeks: I haven’t slept, I haven’t been able to keep up on current events specifically — though I am aware that our press and our President have essentially gone all-in on authoritarian-style leadership and its justification under the guise of compassion and “getting things done,” which should be enough to have an engaged populace picketing outside NBC, and GOP leaders holding daily briefings on the steps of the Capitol, railing against what is an ideological coup, wherein free market capitalism is to be replaced by liberal fascism, dressed in the populist pinstripes of European soft socialism, enforced by a bureaucratic police state — and, moreover, I’ve found that having been so profoundly and obviously marginalized has begun to take its toll on me from a psychical standpoint: you can only shout into the abyss for so long without coming to the realization that the abyss doesn’t much care whether you shout into it or not.
In fact, it is entirely indifferent to you. As are — quite pointedly — your one-time allies, many of whom you have in the past defended from all manner of scurrilous accusations, etc.
The short of it is, I’m disenchanted with the state of “our” party and in particular “our” messaging apparatus. And with my babysitting schedule, wrestling season, and now our rush to find a way to buy a new house (long story short, we had planned on starting the process in March or April, but the lot we wanted — which we were told wouldn’t be released for another year, and had us on the brink of walking away from the builder we’d chosen — was in fact released to us after the sales manager pleaded on our behalf, a very kind gesture but what that means we’ll have to come up with out of pocket expenses several months sooner than we’d budgeted for), I have a hard time writing over and over here about the abuses to our Constitution, the intentional strategy that’s been fast-tracked in order to break our civil society and replace it with an all-encompassing government, and the role language plays in all this, especially knowing that I’ll either be ignored, or that someone else with greater appeal will repurpose my arguments, present them as their own, and then, through a network of backscratching and mutual pleasuring, become the go-to spokespeople for things I’ve been writing on since back before it was cool to be a “Purist” or a “True Believer” who recognized just what was happening to us.
The truth is, much of what I point out here you can now find elsewhere. Having taught others the paradigmatic lessons and the vocabulary necessary to deploy them, I now see them popping up everywhere, though I myself am never cited and — for going on 5 years now — have been treated as if I didn’t exist.
So I’m having a crisis of purpose, frankly.
My fundraising is largely drying up. And that’s because I’m writing less and less, and people have found other communities into which to insert themselves comfortably.
Someone once promised to make sure I was, in effect, “kicked off the internet.” And while I find that person morally abhorrent, scheming, conniving, and disingenuous, I find those who aided in his cause even more repugnant.
I don’t know what my purpose will be going forward. I don’t even know that I can.
Just know, those of you who have stuck by me, that I do appreciate it, and that my present foul mood — and the disenchantment (or even misanthropy) I now feel — will likely pass. But for the time being, what is there left to say that I haven’t already said — and that isn’t being suddenly embraced elsewhere by those who at one time or another shrugged it off or belittled it?
I don’t wish ill on anyone — save the leftist scumbags and their GOP statist counterparts who are actively working to turn my family into slaves to the state — but I will say this: were karma to come around and bite some of the assholes who worked to destroy me hard in their asses? I don’t think I’d be able to raise a tear for them, no matter how hard I tried.
There is frontal attack and then there is betrayal. The former I can handle. The latter is the work of cowards and those of particularly low character. And no matter how many plaudits they receive, deep inside they know it. And I hope it haunts them.