Obama’s post-debt limit deal speech, distilled
“Stop listening to the evil assholes who, with their voices or their pens or their computers or their activism, continue to fight my attempt to fundamentally transform this wretched capitalistic country. That flawed document you crackers all fetishize, the Constitution, and the rich white slave owners who drafted the ridiculous and largely obstructionist thing, would want you to do just that: shut up and let the professional political class manage you like the filthy herd animals you are. Economic units aren’t supposed to talk back. So know your place, tea-tards.
“You see, we need to work together, as a bipartisan whole, to make sure I get whatever it is I’m demanding whenever it is I’m demanding I want it. And no, I will not negotiate on that — just as yes, I will bring the whole economy down if you don’t do as I say, because I have assurances it’ll be blamed on you, anyway. Mostly by those who share your same Party affiliation. Which, how fucked up is that, amiright?
“So, in summary: Listen to the goddamn Framers, who wanted the federal government to work seamlessly and without any checks on the power of a duly elected King and his court, and stop trying to keep this train from rolling on to a brighter, more green and egalitarian socialist tomorrow. I mean, for Chrissakes, I’ve got the Republican leadership on board, I’ve got the Chamber of Commerce, I’ve got the media, I’ve got Karl Rove and Chris Christie — why in the hell don’t you teabaggers just eat your peas and, as your very own Speaker of the House once directed you, ‘get your asses in line?’
“Because it is only then that we can come together as a nation. Through the caring and gentle nudging of a faceless administrative state whose regulations, which carry the force of law, reflect my will. That is to say, we need to ignore the hideous terrorism of dissent in order to live peacefully as one glorious collective. Especially so now that my buddy Billy Ayers’ death camp idea never quite caught on. A shame, that. But, you know — we work with what we’ve got…”