Surviving a government shutdown: an Idiot’s Guide
1. Make sure you’re stocked up on your own supply of red tape. And yes, Big Office Store will try to price gauge you. But you can pay them back later by puncturing holes in all their printer cartridge inventory when the clerk is off helping someone decide which fax machine to buy.
2. Try not to exhale so much. Without the constant vigilance of the EPA, any government shutdown that lasts more than few days is likely to kill off the polar bears and cause a great global warming period. Which will be insidiously camouflaged by a great global cooling period. Every breath you take during a government shutdown is, quite literally, a hate-thrust in the gang rape of Mother Earth. So please, cut back. Don’t breathe like an angry rape cock.
3. During a government shutdown, you children will still probably learn that America was built on the genocide of Native Americans, slavery, imperialism, and the hateful hateyness of old white people who defied a kindly king and instituted a government that actually allows its citizens to go around telling Congress what to do, as well as carry guns, which they inevitably use to kill grade school children by the millions. But you’re going to have to reinforce that message for them, because there’s a good chance the daily DOE talking points memo will be put on hiatus, and kids are notoriously easy to distract. Which can put the indoctrination trajectory in jeopardy.
4. Rent some comedies on DVD or Blu-Ray. It’ll help ease the pain of not receiving the kindly smiles of MVA workers, or visits from the friendly armed folks at the Health Departments who prevent you from harming yourself during picnics by serving unsanctioned picnic foods.
5. If you get a full-on crazy jonesing — and you really really have to have you some federal government, lest you break down and hit rock bottom with no government support staff in site to save you from yourself — call in a bomb threat at a mall or some shit, followed by the phrase “God is Great” uttered in your best Yemeni accent. Voila: feds everywhere!
6. Don’t make the mistake of offering postage stamps as food stamps. Not only is it embarrassing, but postage stamps will actually set you back a few bucks. Instead, just try looting. Looting is social justice, and social justice is government. So it’s almost as if you’re doing the government’s job for it, and as such, keeping hope alive!
7. Even if you are desperate, avoid private charities, the largess of neighbors, or religious institutions looking to supply you with any needed food, clothing, shelter, etc. It’s none of their goddamn business, plus, they’ll demand you have babies and beat the shit out of gays and Mexicans if you eat their sandwiches or sleep in one of their cots — and the more you’re able to tough it out, the more you’ll show the rest of us how we simply cannot survive without a government large enough to take care of our every need we may ever have, and solve every dispute for us, forever and always.
8. Take solace in the fact that Harry Reid is sitting in his Ritz-Carlton penthouse feeling your pain. And that Obama is only golfing because that’s how he relieves the stress of a job that stupidly demands he listen to the minority party. Know that if they could legally do so, they’d make everything all better by jailing every last teabagger they could round up.
9. Hey, you still have your Obamaphone, right? Play some Angry Birds and relax! Boehner will cave soon enough.
10. So you can’t get into a national park. Suck it up. There are plenty of rich people with huge plots of land who aren’t going to know that you’ve pitched a tent and brought in a cooler full of Coors. Unless you’re careless with the Hibatchi, or play your Robin Thicke downloads too loudly.