Wearing a bulletproof vest and hurtling over the New Orleans highround Taliban-style in the bed of a mudcaked pickup truck, FOXNews’ Steve Harrigan appears genuinely stunned that a city without an infrastructure—no pumps, no electricity, no centralized communication—is allowing “fires to burn out of control” and “lawlessness” to “reign supreme.” “It’s a mad house,” he fairly squeals. “Like the wild west, or some really really bad mosh pit.”
Meanwhile, hunkered down in the rubbled remains of the Jazz Parlor on 227 Bourbon Street, Shepard Smith, his transition to disaster-fighting cyborg nearly complete (thanks, in large part, to the efforts of an opium-addicted ex-surgeon, some corrugated aluminum sheeting sheared from storage sheds and found floating in the downtown slipstreams, and an overturned truckload of microwave ovens at one time destined for the Circuit City store on Bullard Ave), finds himself filled with a renewed sense of civic purpose—and so fires off, at a roving street gang making its way down Bourbon St with a slot machine strapped to a handcart, three makeshift RPGs, all in rapid succession, the kickback in his new mechanical arm quite considerable, he notes, but not so much that it disturbs his aim, airborn pieces of sodden looter and slot machine innards a testament to that gory fact.
Of course, the whole thing is caught on video tape (a shoe with the foot and ankle still attached tumbling crazily in the foreground), Shep’s left eye having been surgically removed and rewired to a Canon XL-1 DV camera—the streaming video from which is then picked up by the wi-fi connection his producer has jerryrigged to the FOXNews satellite and transmitted in realtime to the network, who barely has time to edit out some of the gore.
“I’m ready,” he says, casually noting the obliteration of the looters and their mechanized quarry. Then, in a voice eerily clinical, “Dead or alive, you’re coming with me.”
That’s right, New Orleans. Roboshep has arrived.
And not a moment too soon…
****
previous installments here and here.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Greta has abandoned Natalee for hurricane coverage. You need to get back on the job, Jeff. Did you ever investigate those tittie bars?
Best. Series. Ever.
And I never break out the cheesy periods after every word effect …
While scanning the radio dial today and listening to people on both sides go ape-shit crazy about what is not being done, I was struck by the fact that all we really know is being reported by the same folks who keep telling us how bad we are getting our asses kicked in Iraq.
Might oughta just chill for a few days until we really figure out just what is going on down there.
I agree Moe. All these people complaining about the response forget we can never overcome the tyranny of distances. Movement of men and materials takes time.
I know Shep kept his hair. He has good hair.
WOW what a story!
We left Shep this morning as Kurtz and he returns as roboshep.
What will be next …
RoboShep: Excuse me, I have to go. Somewhere there is a story happening. And a Pulitzer with my name on it…
Shep was creepy before Katrina.
I was just looking at NRO.
Got to ask which side are they on?
They have gone off the deep end like the rest of the media.
Let me get my tranquilizer gun!
Truck driving to New Orleans,
“Shit this bridge is out too!!!”
Now get off your asses and do something!!!
Quote the raven and the mayor evermore.
TW “need”… well no shit
I’m guessing he’ll either return as the Shepinator. Or perhaps Zhora, the replicant in the clear plastic raincoat from Blade Runner. Brrrr.
Meanwhile, in a darkened corner at the Starbuck’s in Mazar-e Sharif, Osama bin Laden phones his friend, Hamza al Masri: “So, how d’ya like that Al-Katrina, eh?”
Well lets get a New Orleans theme going here.
NO reminds me of vampires (thanks to ann rice) and flamboyant drag queens.
How about Shep as a post-apocalyptic gender-bending Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Who flashes for beads!
Love the Shep transformation story. What’s next?
I know that sometimes during a crisis we forget priorities….but isn’t Fox News aware that we haven’t found NATALEE yet?
Get back to work, Greta.
Damnit someone beat me to the story of flesh eating undead <a href=”http://www.huffingtonpost.com/randall-robinson/new-orleans_b_6643.html” target=”_blank”>
Hmmm Shep Smith and Anne Rice? I SMELL MINISERIES!!!
Good gawdamighty, after four days they are starving to death and eating corpses. No wonder these folks are so poor, it must cost a fortune to fuel a metablolism like that.
All you hear on radio and tv are media hounds whining about how come it has taken 4 days to rescue 300,000 people from flooded New Orleans. Even FoxNews has people sounding like Aaron Brown! The ignorance about real life and hard times by the media is so widespread that it is pathetic.
I just saw a feed of one of the main FEMA people answering several reporters’ hostile questions in NO. The poor guy, I don’t know how he kept from picking up the podium and throwing it at them. The biggest complaint seemed to be no one was keeping the sick and elderly from dying.
I’ve read the local newspapers in every city I have ever lived in and guess what? Even without a disaster caused by a hurricane, there were obituaries for old and sick people who died EVERY SINGLE DAY! Even on sunny days, with all the food and water they wanted available to them. And guess what? Most of those deaths I’ve read about died before George Bush was elected the first time. So, MSM, get a life and quit whining!
P.S.
Shep, homeboy, you ain’t gonna win a Pulitzer no matter how many times you stick your mic in peoples faces, so go home!
Still sitting on my ass at this busted bridge.
Damn, the mayor is gonna be pissed. Truck driving ain’t all country tunes I can tell you.
TW “plane” nope airports are still underwater.
I like to look at Shep. He is nice to look at.
But he has either lost his mind, or is chasing the elusive journalim award rainbow. Maybe both.
I volunteered at the Astrodome today. Oh boy. Hop over to my blog and see my post on it. (I also get all up in the whiny lefty’s face)
Hell, son, since the glory days of Veeeet-Naam there haven’t been too many opportunities for a reporter to distinguish hisself. Had to give away all my old bush jackets…
OBLITERATING LOOTERS IS RACIST BECAUSE LOOTERS ARE BLACK
Turing word “food,” but Jeff has already covered all that.
“You will be risking your lives, whilst I will be risking an almost-certain Academy Award nomination for the Best Supporting Actor.”
TW: states – Thank god for States like Texas
Folks, I gotta tell ya – in Mississippi, Shepherd Smith is a major-league hero, because he’s from here. It’s pathetic, but we do that – Julia Roberts? originally from Mississippi! Tyrone Power? Mississippi! I mean, Hell, we’ve got Faulkner and Elvis and Tennessee Williams and James Earl Jones and Morgan Freeman and Oprah and John Grisham and Walker Percy and…. but we still feel the need to claim a celebrity as our own. I even remember someone who took pride in the fact that “Bones” McCoy’s backstory on Star </i<i>>Trek had him graduating from Ole Miss.
I know – it’s sad, but that’s who we are down here.
Shep’s been doing great work this week. I had no idea he had been re-engineered. Explains why he no longer has need for food, water or sleep.
I can’t tell y’all how surprised I’ve been to discover that FoxNews.com still has its TV channel.
Before Katrina I’ve avoided the realtime bloviating in favor of the edited copy on the website. I gotta tell you, they really ought to consider dumping the TV operation.
Except Brit Hume. I’ve never seen him flecked with his own spittle, and he’s more likely to correct idiocy from his team than to compound it.
Except Brit Hume. I’ve never seen him flecked with his own spittle, and he’s more likely to correct idiocy from his team than to compound it.
have you never seen him on panels on other people’s shows? he can throw a righteous beat down. i love him.
God have mercy on my soul. Yesterday I saw O’Reily interviewing Shep, and O’Reily had become the voice of reason. I had to have hallucinated it – didn’t I? I thought cyborgs were supposed to be logical.
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