December 20, 2012

A sad announcement

I know I probably shouldn’t have done it — especially because yesterday was a snowy day with the temperature here in Colorado dipping well below freezing — but on a whim I took all my guns and ammunition out in a small skiff on one of the nearby lakes and, sad to say, the boat capsized when I stupidly tried to prove to myself that I could do it Gangnam style, even in an inherently unbalanced situation, while also tending to a fishing pole.

All my firearms and my ammo stockpile is now, as a consequence, sleeping with the fishes.

Just so you know.  All you who are reading here.  And no, I have no plans to replace them at this point. Because children.

Posted by Jeff G. @ 8:40am

Comments (57)

  1. Good thing, too, what with all this talk of outlawing them. Now there’s nothing for the police to confiscate. Right?

  2. geez now you have an epa problem

  3. I was trying to do that Karate Kid stork thing when my accident happened.

  4. Can you give me GPS coordinates of the lake and an approximate depth?

  5. I borrowed my neighbor’s paddleboat to go see how many different kinds of guns I could fire at the kingfisher that has been eating the fish out of our pond.

    How was I to know paddleboats had a weight limit of less than a third the total weight of my collection?

    The part that ticks me off is, once the guns were overboard the boat popped right back up and I was able to get safely back to shore.

  6. This is OT, but what would be the best excuse, do you think? Isn’t saying your guns were stolen still likely to get you in trouble? So lost during my last move? I think a friend borrowed them, here’s his last address, he was whispering “Tea Bags” under his breath, I’m so afraid?

  7. R.I.P lake guns.
    Didn’t know you lived in CO.

    Boulder is pretty much the best.

  8. We really shouldn’t have done it. But know we know better than to act so recklessly with our firearms and ammunition. But dude, you’ve got better moves than that little Korean freak.

    Hey, sexy lady…

  9. Apparently dead 6 and 7 year olds make the best meat puppets with which to speak one’s predetermined political beliefs. They should be ashamed, but their genius was to first excise the very idea of shame.

  10. I truly wish that the media and the political class would stop dancing in the blood of these children.

    May their families know peace.

  11. I am sorry those guns are with the fishes. But it saves the black booted thugs one house they have to visit.

  12. This happens to me all the time. I think I will have to stop replacing the guns I lost.

  13. Private sales are legal in most states, you don’t have to keep records, and there won’t be any with a cash transaction.

  14. Just be careful you don’t buy a murder weapon that way. Or a little bomb that only looks like a gun but is in fact a single use terrible hand injury generator.

  15. Wish I had a gun. Now, all’s I have is a collection of dull steak knives.

    And no plans to buy a sharpener.

  16. This is interesting

    For over 100 years the Conservatives have been giving in to the Progressives because the Progressives have been so successful at buying off a steadily growing ignorant population who vote not to preserve freedom, but vote to preserve their piece of the government money tree. Where that has gotten us is self evident and was easy to predict.

    Because we keep “giving in” we have thrown ourselves into the tiger’s mouth and we are about to be devoured, if we haven’t been devoured already. Because freedom doesn’t sell well to the morally weak, bought-off masses, we have lost our peaceful negotiating power to defend it. We have believed the other side when they say that they agree in principle without acknowledging that they haven’t the slightest intention of putting that principle into practice. In effect, they lie and conservatives fall for it every time. Those, for whom the lies serve, will never vote against the liars and in most cases they are too uninformed to recognize the lies in the first place.

    …written by the author of the “National Association of Rural Landowners”.

    Watch the video embedded in that post, if you’ve a mind to. But don’t let that Kiteley fellow know of it!

  17. I’m sorry for your loss. I was so worried about something like this happening that after I got my license to carry, I have never purchased a firearm. As far as anyone knows.

  18. Sold it to a friend when I heard he was moving to New York, cause I know how super safe I am here. That’ll work. Thanks Cranky.

  19. Pingback: While Awaiting the Cryin’ Mayan Day of Doom | Primordial Slack

  20. My purely intellectual exercise is at an end. Frankly, I defend myself with words, wing nuts.

    Who would possibly want to murder me when they can have an impromptu Walt Whitman poetry slam instead?

  21. I could fire at the kingfisher


  22. They can’t be taken and turned against you from the bottom of a lake. So at least you don’t have to worry about being murdered by your own guns anymore.

    Admit it though. Don’t you feel kind of silly to have spent that kind of money on an undersized penis compensator?

    Next time, buy a sports car, like everyone else.

  23. You know, my stepfather gave me a lot of his guns which he had inherited from his father. I was very fond of them. Sadly, though, it appears as though my unregistered firearms have undergone a disappearance as tragic as yours. I can’t give you any details because it’s too upsetting.

  24. “. . . a steadily growing ignorant population . . . ”

    How about that? There it is again. Shucks, it’s almost like people are waking up to the actual problem. Wonder when they’ll begin to address it seriously?

  25. William, not really OT, but loaning them to a friend might well be a felony and get you 10 years, especially if he uses them to commit a crime. But by all means, don’t file a false police report.

  26. I’m not too worried, Charles. My friend will be extremely hard to find. In fact, last I heard he was going to the desert to spend his days in fasting and prayer, so really it’s just for protection against wolves and the beginning of “Canticle for Lebowitz.”

  27. dicentra, this freeloading bird is a creature of the evil backward Manifest Destiny culture of America, land of bitter clingers.

    He deftly flew between the bullets like a boss.

  28. “They can’t be taken and turned against you from the bottom of a lake. So at least you don’t have to worry about being murdered by your own guns anymore.”

    I don’t think the 1/493 gun accident factor is affected by water submersion. DID YOU THINK IT WOULD BE SO EASY?! It will find you!

  29. “Wish I had a gun. Now, all’s I have is a collection of dull steak knives.”

    I accidently made a bident out of old steak knives, duct tape, and a rake handle once. Now the oak trees in my front yard don’t fuck with me no more. Smart.

  30. “I accidently made a bident”

    The duct tape was to hold the hair plugs on, right?

    Oh, a bident. Never mind.

    If I owned any guns, they would have been purchased used through classified ads and the like (aka the “gun show loophole”), using cash. If I owned any guns.

  31. Bravo! Joe Bident! They gonna puthoo all back in chains! Twice!

  32. If I owned any guns, they would have been purchased used through classified ads and the like (aka the “gun show loophole”), using cash. If I owned any guns.

    There you go William. Put an add in the paper and tell anyone who calls that you already sold your gun(s)

    When the gun registrars come around, point to your big screen tv and tell ’em it was a straight-up trade.

  33. Man, that is a good idea.

    But for all the brainstorming, I really do need to get a Concealed license next year. Ironically, (to the left), I think it’ll make me more responsible in my actions, and, hey, the world ain’t getting safer under Obama 2.0

  34. Ironically, (to the left), I think it’ll make me more responsible in my actions, and, hey, the world ain’t getting safer under Obama 2.0

    It’s not ironic. They know it will make you more responsible and self-reliant. Which is why they don’t want anyone having guns in the first place. They need to be needed. Which is why they specialize in misery, suffering and dependency.

  35. It’s part and parcel of why I’ve been oppossed to the idea of turning schools into government secured prisons castles. We are not cattle to be herded and penned.

  36. Rockfish Gap Report, jes’ for funnsies.

  37. I want everyone to know that I have no weapons, of any kind, legal or illegal, stored, or unstored, locked or unlocked, loaded or unloaded, with pistol grips or without, with threads or without, on me, in my place of residence or in my vehicle.

    Just for the record.

    I am completely defenseless and rely entirely on the efforts of our brave and fearsome police to come to my rescue should it ever be necessary.

  38. Thomas Jefferson would consider me semi-literate. At best.

  39. Apparently, y’all haven’t been paying attention:

    A Maryland man was the target of a swat assault team
    because his neighbor told police he had said negative things about Obama, was “stockpiling” guns and was a prepper.

    Now he DID have a past history but they didn’t know that when they raided his house.

    THIS is what to expect.

    P.S. Anyone who thinks that somehow that database of anyone who ever had their name run through to get cleared to possess a firearm isn’t held in a memory bank somewhere; I have a bridge in Marin County, CA for sale. Cheap. Must go!! Don’t delay. Call me now.

    (dig those holes deep and wrap those “items” well.)

  40. you’ve got your own memeorandum post too

  41. And we’re the ones who are too literal.

  42. So what did Andrew think of David Frum’s suggestion to arm children?

  43. Andy is probably telling the FBI how you’ve probably hidden all your weapons in the mysterious Devil’s Triangle, by which me means Sarah Palin’s womb.

  44. me-> he

  45. ot

    Haha thanks. I’d actually love to. I’m a grappler, not a striker though. That’s why I clinched to defend, but immediately realized that if I’d have defended myself, the mob would have killed me.

    StevenCrowder on December 20, 2012 at 2:04 PM


  46. WAIT!? Because WE made comments YOU were being disingenuous?

    My brain, it hurtzzzzzz…..

  47. Sorry Jeff, Even I don’t believe that one.

  48. Manbearpig stole my guns. Blast it.

  49. Jeff G. says December 20, 2012 at 4:39 pm


    Andrew Sullivan is an absolute genius at stating the blindingly obvious and yet still missing the point.

  50. Thanks for the heads up, your firearms have already been retrieved by some enterprising young divers, and will be available for purchase at in upcoming Midwestern gun show. Thanks again. :-)

  51. Patrick,

    I forwarded your sentiment to Pariah guys website. Although I’m not confident he will benefit from it. Someone with a UAW smbol on his website that says “We built this city” apparently doesn’t know irony from a hole in his butt.

  52. When performing the horse dance Gangnam style you must chose your skiff according to size. That little Korean fucker is a shrimp so a regular size skiff can work for his undersized puffy self, but you’ll need a much larger skiff for your energetic horse dance. Skiff size is the lesson you need to take with you, or maybe a catamaran next time and your firearms will remain safely in your possession.

  53. Careless of you.

    I’m a little worried about my own guns, though.

    A guy came around in a panel truck a while back. He had a placard on the side of the truck listing his prices for cleaning and lubing pistols, revolvers, rifles, and shotguns, and they were surprisingly cheap.

    So, I bundled up my whole pile and gave them to him. He said they’d be done in about a week, and he’d deliver them back to me.

    That was three months ago. I haven’t seen his truck around again, the phone number he gave me was for a Chuck E. Cheeses pizza shop, and the address on his card seems like it would have to be about five hundred feet offshore in Lake Superior.

    So, when he eventually brings them back, he’s gonna get my two cents about his lack of professionalism, and about his poor service. You’d think he could at least get his phone number right.

    What a loser.