October 11, 2010
The "this site definitely needs more doggerel poetry" poem
This site most definitely
needs more doggerel
poetry.
Much like a monkey
needs more bananas,
or a drunk
armadillo needs a
few more bumps, and
fifty extra bucks to
pay for soiling
that club-footed
hooker’s vintage
rubber
bodice.
Hot doggerel for the Golden Urkel
Wouldn’t it be funny
of the US put on a Socialist party
and no one came
- Post-racial America
“bodice” was widely believed to be the least likely closing word in a doggerel poem decorating PW’s front page.
But that was last year. We’d need a new reader poll for this year.
Doggerel doesn’t address great “I am”s
It concentrates mostly on tricky iambs
‘Cause doggerel po’try has meter and rhyme
And rhythm and wit, so’s it’s fit for the time
You declaim it at fireside, delighting the camp
Or set it to music, with a big Gibson amp
Then sell it to Nashville and rake in the bucks
Which won’t work with cummings, and trying it sucks.
Regards,
Ric
damn if vintage rubber
down here
in the sunshine state
isn’t crusty
crumbling rubber to boot.
Over-Shave
Doggerel doesn’t need pentameter
nor must it rhyme
it only needs address
timely things in its time
I hates teh tricksy iambs
Art speaks to Meaning, which doggerel can’t
‘Cause Art is Artistic, which doggeral ain’t.
It’s clever. It’s catchy. It’s soppy. It’s trite.
It’s memorized easy, but when you recite
You have to remember you ain’t doing Art
It’s doggerel only. You might as well fart.
Regards,
Ric
Wait till pdbuttons hears about this.
personally I thought
there’s enough doggerel/
suffer…er…sufficiant the blog;guess which one?
// press the donate button
Oh! doggerel, my doggerel
Oh! pimp’s ring glitter-glare
Upside the armadillo’s
inebriated, ephemeral…
something that should rhyme with glare
— but also cleverly convey pathos…
- pathos is good, angst even bettah
- but Western white guilt
- makes progressives much wettah
EEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ee-EEEE-eeee
Eeeee-oh-ohm-a-wayyyyy
In November
Each leftist member
Of Congress ought to be fired
There’s a rumor
That the consumer
Confidence could be inspired
Three weeks away
Three weeks away
Three weeks away
Three weeks away
Three weeks away
Three weeks away
Three weeks away
After the election
The country’s direction
Should be trending to the right
Barack Obama
Will cry for his mama
On that election night
EEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ee-EEEE-eeee
Eeeee-oh-ohm-a-wayyyyy
Three weeks away
Three weeks away
Three weeks away
Three weeks away
Three weeks away
Three weeks away
Three weeks away…
I had nothing to do with that.
Honestly. I was in another state
entirely.
“The Obama game”
Seven and a half cents
doesn’t mean a heck of a’lot
Seven and a half cents
Doesn’t mean a thing
But give it to me every hour
every hour of every day
and that enough for me to be
living like a king
I figured it out….
I figured it out…
Now lets see….At seven and a half sense, compounded daily, monthly, and yearly, whyyyyy
That’s 438 dollars and 22 cents….Wow, just wow
Now if I only had a job….
“The Socialist brick road”
I know what I could do if I had a job….I could….why I could…
(intro)
Pay my own house mortgage
buy my own peas, and luke warm porridge
Wouldn’t need to go and rob
All those evil rich do gooders
Who got the things I shoulders
if I only had a job
(chorus)
Oh please please Mr Prezident
won’t you hear my plea’s
I don’t want a handout, I don’t need a bail
Just let me work, don’t be a jerk
and I’ll be out of jail
(bridge)
if I only had a job…..
(no welfare)
if I only had a job…..
(no handouts)
if I only had a job…..
(no ‘titlements)
if I only had a job…..
(no nannystate)
if I only had a job…..
(repraise)
- and in my leisure time, why I could…..I could
Talk with worldly scholars
while away my leisure hours
solutions to every Prob
I’d be really independent
not cost the gov a red cent
If I only had a job…
(group fade and fini)
If I only had a job…
(are you listening)
If I only had a job…
(do you hear me)
If I only had a job…
(Oh Mr. Prez)
If I only had a job…
I’m not even gonna ask how the panzer rat managed to irrevocably soil a rubber garment.
the first time I ever heard the term “friends with benefits” was in the kitchen at my uncle Pete’s place. He had been living with a one armed woman he met at the AMVets. One night he got tired of her and paid her off with the door to a 73 Pontiac. Which was in his kitchen. Which is where I came in. I had to carry it out to her car and put it in the back seat. Because of the one arm, you see. The whole time she was screaming, “Just because I’m taking this don’t make me a whore!” And my uncle’s yelling back, “No, fucking me for money does!” At any rate, she spit on me. Also a first. And my uncle says, “she’ll be back, we’re pals.” I said, “really?” and he said, “yeah, friends… with benefits.” I gagged.
True story. There’s not enough WT in the whole state of Kentuckiana to match Kensington. At any rate, it was the club foot hooker made me think of that.
- Careful. A story like that could start a whole new “identity group”. “Whores with doors”.
The first time I ever heard the term “friends with benefits” was in the kitchen at my uncle Pete’s place. He had been living with a one armed woman he met at the AMVets. One night he got tired of her and paid her off with the door to a 73 Pontiac. Which was in his kitchen. Which is where I came in.
I want to read this book. Please tell me I can buy this book somewhere.
Truth is, indeed, stranger than fiction.
Damn, and here I went and got all married and such over the weekend.
I’m more of a haiku kinda commenter.
how much is that doggerel in the window ands a handjob and a side order of fries?
i once told the arresting officer
“what beautiful cotton candy hair you have”
and as the echos of them slammed shut jail doors faded
i vaguely remember his retort
“who’s gonna drink with ya know?’
“Whores with doors” are a French fingerfood, aren’t they?
sp/now- who is gonna drink with ya now?
when jerry brown gives his ‘woody’ door
to whores/
singing “if everybody had an ocean”
then pelicans could fight seagulls to death matches
and America would be safe
[the lost diares of ruprett pupkin]
if pop tarts would only toast themselves
it would leave me more time to watch midget wrestling
bobby who?
If Pop-Tarts® could toast themselves, Hamilton Beach would go out of business.
come back shane!
leave the gun/ bring the cannolis
“Comment by Blake on 10/11 @ 3:28 pm #
Damn, and here I went and got all married and such over the weekend.”
Son of a bitch!
Congratulations Blake!
My first anniversary is next month.
*sigh*
I love this place.
It feels like home.
Without the violence and incest, of course.
Triple congrats. One for Blake’s wedding, one for Lee’s upcoming anniversary, and one for Joan for being teh funny.
load up cubed
the rubber bodice,
was her semi-final request.
tense seagulls have
feelings, too.
peedeebrute.
as i dress up my collection of dolls one might say
it’s not ur lack of genitalia i am covering
its the hope that certain sunlight/ reflecting off ur hard plastic body- will someday match my curtains
a perfect world is just a kiss away
conjunction junction/ what’s ur function?
and..but..or
let’s call the whole thing off /and pee in sandboxes
toot toot/ next stop-Pottersville!
have a wonderful life
She was only a club-footed hooker,
not much of a looker.
But she could pee over a high wire,
to put out a big fire.
What more could a ‘dillo desire?
So he took her back to his pad,
my what good times they had.
But when he wanted to fandango
she made him a charango,
The fandango made her limp you know….
was relief in ur eyes as u seen me pass out?
or horror as i woke at the bottom of the stairs?
girlfriend?
hey- let’s go to “slip-n-slide!” kids
mommy is grumpy
if i could corral ur loving free spirit and break u
perhaps i could posibly talk to you?
like as a friend and shit?
I’d love to see some good limericks. Haiku always left me with an incomplete feeling. (Aren’t haikus supposed to mention the seasons in some way?) Where is Benny Hill when you need him? Who is the modern day Kipling?
Jeff – I apologize for making fun of English majors when I was in college. I never thought that language could be so distorted that it even is in the process of bringing down my beloved hard sciences. Scary indeed.
if we went to def-con four would u share a bunker with me?
i have crackers in one of my pockets!
then we could smell each other
mommys won a prize!
is the carnival leaving?
she’s coming back…right?
put that old pulitzer prize in the dumpster my mate
i’ll fish it out tomorrow
Any day without the
armadillo is the suck
so suck that bitch
i liked jo-jo goebbells cuz i knew his lie and
it was comforting/ but goerring was a big fat pig and lived in a castle..
but jo-jo goebbeells family only killed themselves..
it’s not like they asked me for a loan?
heartless?-not moi!
There once was a limerick from Nantucket…
She skims the water at mealtime to seek
a fish
and she emerges with one squirming in her beak.
Dyke seagulls ate my mama.
soon u will see me
my yellow rose of Texas
for good or bad
for the good or the bad/ i can’t count now/ helicopters are chasing me..
serious // haikus are 5-7-5
what are lymrics?
don’t open pandoras box iffn u don’t want to
don’t mudwrestle with a chimp cuz they got ‘poo’ factor and i think their toes are scary- like opposabile thumb toes?
which are like..
i try not to look at them unless they’re flinging poo at me
creepy .
don’t tug on supermans cape- eee-eee-ooo-ooo
bobby monkey orr laces up his skates cuz people want to check out his freak feet/ and he wont let them!
aint stoppin!
i think if u put someone in the corner and made them wear a ‘dunce’ hat
u should be wary and take lots of speed and keep ur eye
on them/
because/ ask urself..
what are they thinking with a dunce hat on
sittin in a corner?
death?/murder?/ rage?…
when ‘time is up- can we truly make amends?’
stab me once/ shame on you
stab me multiple times/shame on me
some people when they
get out of corners can go the the store and buy
a bag of cheetos and lick a certain one
a tall toughy cheeto/ and lick it into a shiv and
stab u with it and leave ur blood mixing with orangey goodness
and as u gasp 4 ur last breath/ u say to no one who frankly don’t give a shit about you..”
u say/ ‘how many colors in a rainbow?”
if lepruachans could a play bagpipe version of ‘free-bird’ without winking at me..
then i might leave their lucky charms alone
ken hodge!
I apologize pdbuttons. Limericks are the stuff of pubs, and friendship, and poking fun at the condition of man. They can even lift your spirits.
I see my folly. In fact, I can see your poetry written on tombstones all over the world. Somber and intelligent words are very hard for the common man to understand. You and Obama are speaking to an audience that just can’t understand your own brilliance. It’s haiku re-education camp for me.
gordie howe!
Orr Bobby
on a personal note/ thank u rupe/ unless ur tanning my ass
which is cool also
i apoligize for..
the next thing i am about to post
I’ve been insulted by some of the best. They are hard to top.
is this the alqonquin half round table?
i prefer my fuck you shutup asshole in a more digestible form?
but then..witty bastards would have no place to run /i think of it as riffing
i have never got into a pissing contest
with anybot on this site/ cuz frankly/ i am outgunned
but if i offended anyhoo i offer this ‘non-apology apology”
hi!
pd – O.K. – That was pretty good. If William Buckley were here, I might have a comeback. I bow to your ability to scrounge obscure tidbits from history. In my defense, my English studies were seriously compromised in Jr. High.
Throw some Thomas Hardy lines in there. I had to study him , but damned if I knew what he was saying.
i do not want a git inna pissing contest i like all ur comments and look 4 ward 2 em
who is this buckley u speak of?
is he an astronant..
cuz i have a poster of farrah fawcett on my wall and we will repopulate space..
if you speak at length
and never say anything offensive
you can be pretty sure
your boring your audience
into a stupor, contemplating suicide
or exacting self-inflicted wounds
always leave ‘em wanting more
i have a barbara striesand song welling up in my bowels..
and i think i want a taco
precious insults!..
give me more fever!
more whip said the gip
outta the side of his lip..
as the finish line approaches
robert gordon orr was the best hockey player and please do not make flippant remarks
Buckley was on my paper route, just like him to live hundreds of miles from his stated address. He never paid his bills on time and tipped me only with long, made up words. –Lousy haircut too.
Digital flypaper?
Yes?/No?
Perhaps…
Perhaps a virtual monkey trap.
Fiendish that.
more insults/ with cheese
is this the best ya got?
i’m like that dartboard that ur dad put up in ur basement..
u wanna hit me but u also want to vomit..
choose or lose
if i bump into a rubber room constantly with purpose
will my mother hear? the sound of my rubber mother love?
if my father shows up up and looks
thru the tiny window/ should i hug his general area?
when i get discharged..
cuz i’m innocent and not criminally in any way shape or form
pd – I have some old poetry from college. I think Obama would like it.
What is life?
Life is the Nation.
The individual must die anyway.
Beyond the life of the individual,
Is the Nation.
I never got a second date. How did Obama court his wife?
I just don’t have the gift.
you are not a whore
if u listen to Belgian radio..
or so my tour guide said
if you hug his generally area
you may get kicked in the utensils
but what the hell
nothing vented, nothing groin’d
see dick run/ see dick run dick run..
as mo mo love twist turtle big shade giver always say/ see dick run..
{tis kinda funny when she says it]
it’s not the huggin
or my close proxcimity to anyones general foo fah central thing
it’s the pictures that live..
a day that will live in infamy..
yup
have you ever felt the cold
and found there’s no escape
misery so long
it’s served daily on your plate
warmth is but a memory
and memories can be false
it may have been a dream they say
to hope for love another day
somehow I don’t think a runny dic
makes a woman smile
she’d look at it, that runny dic
say a miss is as good as a mile
Big Bang — Now that’s poetry.
what didj one duke lacrosse hoss say to the
other duke sucker player;;
as they crossed the road..
to escape their eterinty..
‘i’d love to take this gravel that i just picked up on the road and twist it in her face!’
and the other hoss say/ i got /according to recent reports- large”
the bulls of pampalona
are always behind me
in my run for a just world
Toyota Prius
the go-cart of the future,
a mobile speed bump.
oh see the little deer
has the deer a little doe?
certainly – two bucks*
*(this money will be invested by the government for the benefit of all deer.)
Doe,
a deer,
a female deer,
pancaked underneath my truck…
Mike – I never was a big deer hunting fan until I moved to Michigan. Sheesh, the car hits deer repair business was booming. Kill 90% of them so I don’t have to watch them starve to death. I couldn’t make a poem out of this.
It’s that way in many places, now. When I lived in suburban San Antonio, there was hardly a month when I didn’t have a near miss with a deer if I was making a run at night to the grocery store a mile-and-a-half from my house. They are a menace.
Mike – I was way up north (in the lower) and almost hit a deer every day. It really tests your nervous system. The only plan that I heard of was birth control for the deer, or re-introduce wolves. Your government at work.
dear dear/ did u bump ur rear?
well/ hop into the woods and we’ll cover u rear;;\ until the coast is clear
i like to shoot random
and at paths- and at atm machines
but i hate robots
Rupe – Yep, the government comes up with the most inane solutions. Up in Montana (where I lived back in the ’90s) there was a plan afoot to have birth control for prairie dogs. Insane.
striesand fills my thoughts
**** striesand fills my bowels
******** striesand is my moon, giving light when all is dark
(excuse me – striesand lures me to comode)
As for doggerel, perhaps this is best posted in the global warming thread, but here goes:
There once was a man named Gore,
who was a fairly consistent bore,
but with temperatures down and global warming beclowned,
he just emits gas more and more!
Nice Mike – Still, I’m looking for that Benny Hill, perfect pitch, lyrical, set of words. It’s harder than it looks.
pd – The whole post-modern thing has robbed you the seemingly common. There is no shame in provoking thought, but not at the expense of laugh. Do a Sullivan’s Travel type deal.
If your stuff is over my head, I’ll admit ignorance. Your writing is interesting to read. So you got that going for you.
- Mike, was that a sneaky BP commercial?
I’d add some doggerel poetry myself but I’m more of a cat person.
Gore the bore, wasn’t so noble
when he did his hottie global
his detractors, they laughed
as he raked in the cash
and scored his ignoble Nobel
Hey – I live next to BP. On second thought, they are screwing my dad over on health coverage. I think it’s the last business to pay substantial taxes in our area. Our political betters still want to drive them out.
–On a side note – I’m looking for my college poetry. It is so bad that I promise it will leave you laughing your head off.
Yes- Joyce, Wordsworth, Bishop, Proust – They have nothing on me. My most gut wrenching poems about loves lost seem to be the funniest among my friends. Still, it was good to be young.
Ha! Hadn’t considered that angle.
- This weeks early winner for “belabor the obvious”….
“The economy hasn’t gotten better. A lot of things haven’t changed in Indiana, and I think that may be what’s driving some of these elections,” said Chris Chocola, a former congressman who lost his seat in 2006 and now heads the conservative Club for Growth in Washington. “If anything, things have gotten worse … so I think there’s a little buyer’s remorse.”
- Gee, you think?
- With crystal clear perspectives like that Chris, we’ll definitely be keeping and eye on you for the future, I’ll tell you what.
my college poetry crap was written in high school
when i thought i was jim morrison..
its in a moldy blue folder in the basement and i’m scared to look at it or in the mirror..sometimes
again/ luv everyone on here/ thanks for the yuks
i do smile at posts
i made a roast beef sandwich and cut it half
and ate one half but i can’t find the other half
cuz i was saving it for later but now i’m hungry
shame?/ what am i? a liberal?
i like when u/i go back to alcoholics anonomouse and they say
‘no shame’
it makes me thirsty
i took a post-modern shit in a low flush
toilet once and then i noticed i was stranded
stranded on a toilet bowl!
with no wipe ..
but then bjork magically hovered over the/my stall with
yesterdays ny times and she gave me an impy smile and held up the editorial page and said”does your ass need refining?”
and of course i’m a a gentile man/ so i said…
mmmmmmm/no- maybe later..
bjork is so cool!
bobby orr/ the motherfuckin best goshdarn hockey playerever
bjork is gonna kill all u jokers but/ bobby orr last/ me 2nd to last..
she likes to skate and since b orr is the best skater
there is a certain glee in her glide
i think after she kills everybody her/it and bobby o will certainly have a tet a tet/ a skate off at rockefeller center and she’ll do a spin spin and
then she’ll start killing humans
the world will not end in a whimper/ but in a shave of ice..
enjoy tomorrow/
a triply lundy is fundy
until bjork does it/ cuz it kills small animals like pugs/ who are cute
[btw-bjork can do a triple lundy in her sleep and has laser beam eyes]
she can kill you with a shrug
a triple lindy is how bjork kicks ur ass ..
just 4 4 play…
cuz ur gonna die a horrible painful death and u prob knew that/ but think as resignation as sleep..
a dirt nap may be refreshing!
power up/ yum yo’s!
If this were Twitter, I would re-tweet: i have a barbara striesand song welling up in my bowels..
I’ve long suspected this was where her songs came from.
Pingback: Three weeks away – Free speech for me.
LBascom, bh..thanks for the congrats.
LBascom, congratulations are in order. Hope you and yours are able to celebrate in style.
pd – I appreciate your efforts, but they are lost on me. I’m a simple person growing corn in Indiana (between the abandoned steel mills). I promise to study haiku in the coming months. I have much to learn.
I also missed two years of English in Jr. High. Somebody decided that it would be best to combine sociology with English. I was taught how terrible men were but little else. I sort of knew that anyway.
not sure lymrics,
but positive hudsons
are 4-6-4.
pdbuttons – Upon further review your writings are quite good, especially considering how quickly they were written. My sarcasm doesn’t translate well to the internet so no offense intended.
- I like your AA comment but I actually have an unlimited supply of morphine due to my illness. I’m no Coleridge and my writing is far from Xanadu, but I am trying to learn.
I guess what I’m trying to say is “Will you marry me” (sarcasm – God’s gift to the Irish)
Oh – Yes, Bobby Orr – I should never joke about the greatest player in hockey.
#21
I like haikoos
toos.
youse?
does my sarcasm make my ass look thin?
because a tight quip is better than a loose teen
anorexic is not some highway sign that u google..
which way to the vomitorium?
i want ac/dc to play at my wedding
sarcasm makes my ass look smart
i quipped to my tight, loose teen
highway to google some say
and vomit that can’t be seen
ac/dc stole my wife
‘angus beef’ she flippantly said
as she marched out the door
jeez/ i had one frito left that i was gonna share..
but as chapters in your life must close;;
and paragraphs must end;;
and as she crossed the street outta my life
and got mowed down in / like a dead skunk/
in the middle of the road..
i thinks 2 things
why did the driver of said vehicle have to keep backing upand driving over her again and again?
and then i thought- jeepers creepers!- i have one frito left!
maybe it will marry/bond/walk down the aisle with me?
can john boenher fag spray me with
some agent orange?/ in the green room?
cuz im about to go nationwide/
and telavision puts ten pounds on ya-
and i have something to say and i don’t wan’t my large potato head to distract any viewers
cuz i’m a man of substance-don’t ya know?
lollipops
it is not ur big screen tv that bothers me
it’s the fact that i have to look at it while u keep gettin up and addressing some drama..getting in the way/ on ur cell-phone and shit
frankly my dear-i dont give a damn
may i take this oppertunity to say bobby orr?
ur so kind!
My ode to Stan Makita
my desire carries no shame
my will
knows no pain
drink from my soul
quench pain’s burning desire
cleanse my tarnished dreams
Gotta love plagiarism. I can’t work words like you.
stan mikita always kept a gravy boat
in his cup
for obvious reasons
stan mikita burritos- 5 4 twenty bucks
but u have to elbow ur way up front
boil boil a cauldron of elbows..?
something wicked this way comes
bobby orr
oops/ b orr
i apologize for the 3 orr/
mmm who wore number 3…
bobby orr
who can compete
with a man
so large in feet
and who decides what is a dream
and what is illusion
bobby orr holds ur hand as u first
lace up ur skirts/ and leads u in the frozen pond
the pond of death!
and as he gently say/ miss missy may
he does this twirl thing that cuts the ice in a perfect circle- cuz he’s wicked a fast skater/ the best/ in my estamation
and then the ice breaks..
and u sink
to a chilly death..
but i always think if u/ the last thing u saw was bobby orr/ i think that would be awesome..
pd – I read your exit. You do have class.
(awesome can only be used by those under 18.)
as bjork had a bucket of pigs blood poured upon her head – she would rewrite carrie/
and chop ur daughters up
for ever and ever and ever
when nurse ratchet had a beef
bjork would always be there in relief
medication time!
bjork aint sinister/ she is just the james bond girl u couldn’t tuck
in
to bed
on a bet..
but she is impy!
who’s afraid of virginia wolff?/ who-who?
robert gordon orr
nurse ratchet haunts my mind
bjork can’t hit my spot
taylor stokes my heart
but richard plays the tune
keith richards frequently bumps me.. up stairs/ down alleys
then when destination achieved/ we start kissin ground!
‘ oh when the saints/ go marching in…’
richard’s junk peps me up
destination unknown, but always bad for me
saints can’t save – point spread
if keef would stop gettun on his kness/ lickinn my dog
i coulda woulda sholuda fed the right one
i just throw my tasty trash on the ground..
u pick it up- boyo
don’t walk away renee?
u talking to me?
are u talking to me?
take it on the arches
no sleep, too many pills
one man can fill my dreams -destiny
bobby orr
can u wrap ur arm around a memory?
can u embrace a destination?
{qoute the farrah of fawcett]
can one drink from a fawcett
is thirst your desire
i’ve seen the other side -water is good
keith richards vomit
is like the alien movie
it goes thru ur rubble/ rubbish/ rutabagas/ stairs
spaceships
i am talking about the midnight rambler- u understand?
i’ve seen things you would not believe
attack ships off the shoulder of orian
c-beams glistening in the dark
all these things will be lost
like tears in rain
time to die
keef went down/he went down to the crossroads/ iggy pop was there him/ the devil – and i think they gave iggy pop a sandwich or a shrug cuz he was a pain in the ass/ frankly
[btw bjork was hovering above/ out of sight but present}
and then they made a deal..
do you want to/ make a deal?
how does it feel?
a c beam that glistens in the
dark
shall live forevever
blow me
there comes a time in life/ and all lives
when one feels closer to the end than the beginning
and you ask – did i make a difference
no – but bobby orr did
i like to wear powdered wigs
on everyday but the hallowed of ween
and then i bow/ and as i stand up i shimmy and shake
and say
welcome to my world/ white boy
[dust just means ur alive/ cracker ]
bob dylan took me for a walk
and i met a dog
ruff – ruff, ruff
biting, crunching pain
and bob just laughed
and so is the world
please don’t make loony riffs about bobby orr or bjork
u can/ do what u want to me/ set my couch on fire
turn the world more purple
but don’t step on my blue suede shoes
or make fun of b orr
[bjork will frankly kill u with her goat claws/ but- ur a funny tuck.. right]
blue suede shoes!
bjork laffs at ur pain silly elvis
blue suede shoes?
hardy har har
m
the jerk with a quirk
has to get up for work
or so shemp howard says
what a coincidence!
bob dylan took me for a walk
just the other day
and i fluttered about
and he heeled mr me
but thats bob
tough but insistent
faggy joe was my least favorite
beatle
nyuck nyuck
i cannot find orr in a box
no labels, books or even jocks
know by now i never joke
orr’s best player for all the folks
tis not ur quirk or ur stammer or ur ability to not bear me a son/ a masculine son!
it the fact that you look like larry fine
even on a good day
in the shade
with my eyes half closed
not trying to notice u”
hoping for something to get me outta of..
was that my phone?
gotta go honey
later
stooges are a fine repast
to those who know – they always last
fall changes, but smacks remain
larry was the finest man i met
i ridicule those who cannot see with more than eyes
a finer man was never found
no more jokes, i’ll give no ground
no bobby orr jokes
come to praise him/
have u ever felt his wind?
have u ever stopped a lil turtleneck on causway street who had a bobby orr jersey on and he was skippin school and u told him u were b orrs half bro bro and told him u would/ promised him!/ that u would get him a signed version of his jersey and the kid was all hopey and he gave u change but as he waited on the corner/ and u had his change/ did u go to the liqour store and by a pint? and the lil tugger was staring at you thru the window?
“yeah/ bobby orrs in here somewhere kid
maybe the high end scotch?”
ya gotta be cruel to be kind?
and bjork said as well him as another
and would i yes
and should i say yes
yes bobby orr
yes – yes – yes
motor city is burning
and there aint a thing u can do
moe larry cheese/ beat ur head
beat a horse/ beat ur meat..
but motor city is burningd
they are your sons and daughters
and you would turn your back to them
to exist is not enough
we want to live
and you would kill us for this
bjork jokes are no go
she don’t talk/ she
hovers and slithers
if u want a conversation
do not call 1 800 bjork cuz she/its probably outside ur pad
in a silent ice cream truck
with ur keys in her hand.. and ur balls hanging from the rear view mirror..m’kay
the man of a thousand years
from legend
he keeps the human race
he holds the finger
a sacred trust to the men who built him
bjork alway says
in her far away distant way
“u know the hardest mile-pause- that ur kid gotta run?
pause – she light cigarette and inhales- slowly- looks into me
i reply all shaky/ no?
then she exhales/ stamps it out/ and says the first one”
then
the man of a thousand tears
looks dryly into your soul
and says with earnest
wash my dishes/laundry etc
u win /night
death be not proud
nor fear of it a cult
i wandered through the park today
with death right by my side
he showed me all that is living – all that is life
blow me balls on mirror in car is nothingness to me
show me deaths walking path
i know it leads to me
i shipped out on the rights of man
nothingness filled my mind
the autumn winds gave hope to all
yet all were doomed to life
god bless captain vire
Wow – neurological pain finally paid off.
Although my writings are drivel.
You were the winner pd. My statements only make sense if you stay up for several days. I understand why sleep deprivation is so effective in getting people to talk. It sucks big time.
Get a room already, you two!
back 4 more!
if u accept a slippery slope-and try not to squirm
we might just bond
james bond
in the end
cuz it’s just fate ..
i’m not downtrodden- i just play one on tv
that village idiot was right
“don’t take a left-don’t take a right”
he was a cosmic comic
[btw- i told him woodstock was over]
no direction home
if u could hug air
would ur fears subside?
for the common good
embrace me, don’t chase me..
blurby orr
so i was drunk driving one night
and i don’t condone it/applaud it or do it
but a cop was following me and i pulled myself
over and the officer said”why did u pull over?”
and im all like u got me/ im a bad man[which i was-and i should of been punished!]
so he handcuffed me and made me wait at the back of the police car
as he searched my van/ for contraband
and i kept moaning
‘ur gonna break my grandmothers heart-ur gonna break
my grandmothers heart”
and he came back/ after search and said
‘what”
and i told him that tomorrow was palm sunday and i had
to pick up my dying grandma from old home for church
and she would be crushed if i did not show up..
and he let me go even tho it was a lie and stuff
i guess i can think on my feet!
we must all hail mary-full of grace
no joke
nana was dead for like 3 years but she rose up
from the grave
to save
my sorry ass-once again!
[i miss you nana duty-and ur carrots on sunday with a pound of butter in them]
am i bad? or crafty?
hey- i saved like thousands of dollars for my misjudgment
and i just want to reiterate that drunk driving is no joke
bullshitting cops is tho
cool hand luke!
no= cops are cool/ i made a mistake and was
only a mile from my house and he should of arrested me but he let me go and thank god no one was hurt..
but it is a story
i must bobby the orr
mine the orr and smelt it
the truth is only the remnant
i go now to tests so terrible
poking needles with live current
you’ve taken me through free association
better than psychiatry’s nation
It’s all I have pdbuttons
thanks for the thoughts
thanks for the time
there will be no joy in typeville for a few days
thanks again – I’ll read your mini plays
One last tidbit of memory -
they said that it could not be done
some even said they knew it
but he stood up to what could not be done
and he couldn’t f*cking do it
pdbuttons – you’re an enigma. I know not what you say, but I can’t look away. Has my stupidity reached its zenith, or are there other things to learn? I puzzle over meaning and almost reach the truth.
Does cliff put out your notes?
It would be nice.
i aM NOT INSANE!
I JUST LIMP
on certain streets- in your hood
huck a loogie!
if you pee on your shoes/ will it make ur attempt at flying more
manageble?
did icarus pee on his shoes? before flight?
did the wicked witch of the west squat?
are there gold in them hills?
so many ?’s
i still have a tuba and a frito left
and i did wash / coat my cat with blue food
coloring and i had a blue cat so fuck you-and Mr Bim does have a half chewed off arm with a wire sticking out of it
which might ring ur doorbell sometime..
be afraid- very afraid
Mr Bim has a message for all u non blue cats
give a hoot-read a book
bobby orr / i met him once- but i think he was trying to avoid me,,
he is quick!
was it my garlic breath?- or my one armed teddy bear that made him uncomfortable-[ which had a wire sticking out]
the trial of Mr Bim
if the gloves dont fit on his chewed off half
arm with a wire sticking out of it
you must aquit
can u banish yourself?
lonely street has two sides
hello
i have Mr Bim and memories of a dead blue
cat named Blue who i had to fish out from
under the tv cuz he was dead for three days and crawled under there to die and had him some
rigor mortis and we were sayin
“wheres Blue?’ wheres Blue indeed!
it took a while to fit him in a shoebox- but we buried him eventually
my cats names in no particular order..
Blue [number one]
kitty bastard-[who disappearred for 11 months and then reappeared]
kitty bitch
foster furcollo
miss thing
barkus
tater tot
hey joe
dogs names
rosie
pugsley
pugsley 2
pugsley 3
sheena
pugsly4
hey joe
bird names
the sweet bird of youth
i thought i saw a puddycat, i did-i-did! [who we just called itisapidid for short}
hey joe
mindy
windy
do tubas have names?
cow names
mr sirloin
tasty calves
butt
slaughterhouse 5
tasty moo
tasty moo juice
tasty moo juice 7
mr tip over
tuba names!
blofeld
octopussy
jean arther[ or jean arthur]
lippy m’ghee
hey joe
please do not chide
cuz i don’t think u want to see
me running aroud ur neighborhood wearing
a tuba
i can cause damage-[ tho i'm a peaceful punk at heart]
tuba insurance?- pre-existing condition?
[i can see u]
bobby orr never played a tuba
but he liked the low tones
a tuba can provide
ballast in windy conditions
tuba!
tuba helped baman wif da cakes
good tuba yay
if u have a tuba
wrapped around ur arms/ so tight?
and u have to blow eventually..
ask your sad self
over and over again..
is the tuba awomb?
u don’t have to give me a pshyciatry bill
just be pleasant
if u get on the sausage trolley
can u ever really get off?
pause
next stop/ clamtown
yummy/ my tummy is yummy
i’m a tuba man mny dear
nothing to fear
but if u help me to release.. unsnap..
get the button [jeezs is she retardo?']\
im a tuba man
my daddy was a tuba man
my great great pops thought about tubas
and how they could. might bring this whole fucktard world together/ in a hug
we..must not judge,, a man
on the color of his skin
but the charecter of his tubaamen
hail mary/ right now
Hail Mary!
[ she is full of grace!}
Yelverton is a flute man who rides the vienna sausage trolley.
the tuba clan fought the
them yellow bastard flutes
for many moons- mr skyscraper
but finally we won..
[now our great great grandy great grandsons
do a flute/ tuba duet? caca-cacaphony}
but on the bright side/ nana duty is spinning in her grave-which makes worms scatter
so if the worms have exercise and run and then
u dig em up and put them on a stick
which has a line on it
if u cast..
and pull up supper
is the circle squared?
i made a tuba outta driftwood
once cuz i was homeless and found
myself homeless and i
found a piece of wood
and i started blowing on it/ marching
singing- toot- look at me!- toot i need pants! toot
do ya ever adjust?
stare at the sunset
muss up yer hair and
say to yerself/ upon brief reflection
who am i?
george jones?
keef richards?
spank trotter {who was one of the lil rascals]
im pd butthead and i like seafood platters
stamp
bob the orr
am i mastrubating?
cuz i feel powerful
and not snooky in anyway
but if somebot would
tell me to shut the f up
then i could sleep
perchance/ to dream?
needles stuck into my legs
while you sit around and play
the pain is all too real – but you could never feel
show me a life that’s free of pain
and i’ll show you jdbuttons
it’s nice to be alone and free
but one most have responsibility
is haiku 5-7-5
I only have my greek french teacher
so what is true and what is lie?
a statement for your unions lie
pour qui et pour qu’oi
memorize this phrase and bring us closer to the days
of sunshine – of the made up traitor
french is my specialty
though I know but not a word
catch a falling star and put it in your pocket
never let it fade away
put yourself right out there, words that have no meaning
and just see what comes your way
pd – you’ve condemned me to a modern fable
i must stay up and wait for cable
you can take a morning walk
i must stay here and enable Hawks
god bless
and see you very,very soon
bye, bye
if i wear my ‘shirley temple ‘
outfit and tap dance
is that cute, or scary?
and if i wear the ‘temple’ outfit to
the temple
will all hell break loose?
cuz i need a laugh
if my big potato head
frosts up ur rear view mirror
u must pull over
and get a ticket
dirges are best served cold
with a tuba!
toooooot!
bob..
orr
bugsy watson
minus four
did u mean bryan bugsy watson
cuz if u did u are so wicked pissa cool..
but u know that
i bow to ur funky children
amen/ ur awesome but sometimes i can punch
can u throw elbows?
can u replace ur teeth?
as your’e at that the deli counter
do u have the gumption to say
“cut it thick?”
you are a beter man than i
gunga din
loo
i have niece named shannon
obrian and on st patricks day
we’d all go out on a tear’ we would sit in a booth
and tie green ballons on her
and she would say” i’m shannon o’brien- would u buy my mother a drink’
worked every time
she was ten and i do not think it was abuse cuz
she was the cock of the walk
pride!
i’m proud of that lil twister!
she came through every time
drinks are on who?
dr who
she never got fuss budgetty/ or her ass
in a twist..
she was shannon- with ballons in her hair
she now has stomach problems
but , i put a balloon in my hair for her!
cuz i’m thirsty?/ or for love
tuba
lollipop
bob something
fourapples
how can u rumrun
when ur thirsty?
a heavy load is best served as a side
dsh= my love
gordie mother f- umm
howe!
hey/ my name is chubby checker!
lets twist again!
to a velvet underground song..
then i will fart
and we will will go to disneyland?
what ya say troops?
tippie hedren only had birds in her fine hair for
abit..
any young un have to use the phone
until our journey?
oh yeah- cell phones
will someone please deliver me to the cancer ward
with a smile
and toast?
thank you
b g o
a petrtified forrest only
makes a sound
if u ‘clap on-clap off’
bjork
bjork only
runs around the rosy..
to tire u out
and love you
to death!
may i say
can i say.
may i spray?
bobby o bjork
thanks
beat me
does the tide lap you?
make u back the fuck up?
if you think it judge u
then u are fucked up!
tip ur toe in my
water she said she said
jump in/ with a healthy grin
now i am drowned- like a clown
with a grin
not stoppin!
to call to a far off
distance
and expect a reply
u lie to urself
buttboy!
yum yum/ home
i am not bald
said the eagle to the priest
im shiny
fast shiny/ with a lift
gotta orr the bob
good old number tuba squared
if u were shine
and could haunch,,
would not u be bjork
on payday?
revel..devil
submit to her claws
open ur heart
i may say
in dissaray..
is is my wide ass that offends u?
my wide glide?
my hungry hungry hippos
my teeth?[tooth[]
hips are like sinkinkig ships
everyone gotta hug one
to destiny we sail!
tuba juice makes
the world
a calm
and better place
toot
zybynek michalek
tretiak
vlad the consultant.
to netminders.
four blackie orr’s old team.
Tuba juice might have prevented the Texas Tech Red Raiders from sliding into mediocrity this season. So, too, would have not firing Mike Leach.
Bobby…
…
…
Folding Chair Tossers for $400, please, Art.
if tretiak can’t save ur
soul..who will?
billy smith?
patrick roy?
jacque plante?
gump worsley?
] gerry cheevers/[ who i met once and he gave me an autograph
in/on my street hockey mask and he was a partial owner of a horse]
i used to draw goalies with crayons
in school til the nuns beat me..
for my
my
my non-attention
my innocence
innocent until proven guilty..
your honor
[he shoots!-he scores!}{
4 posts
bob the orr
he is a dish-mmm
but he avoids me..
as nancy kerrigan says
why?
knock three times
on the ceiling
if you love me
the scent of a hockey rink
early in some febuary morn
might solve the mid-east cruisis?
might is a powerful thing
to bring
in your lunchbox
if u tie ur skates a lil tighter
then ur ankles wont bend
silly goose
Do they have tubas in hockey?
i never brought Mr. Bim to a diner
but my dad smacked one of my hockey
coaches once for smacking me
cuz of my wise-ass
but on a happier note
the next day in school i had applause
from the stable
all saying”dude- i saw your old man whack Mr Troup last night”
or some such
“ur old man was killer”
i had a tingle up my leg!
cuz he really came a running and
it was across ice and he grabbed Mr. Troup by the neck
and said
“don’t u ever ever hit my kid again!”
i just sat there/morose- itchy
cuz i kinda deserved it but..
that’s dad
ahhh-memories!
i wouldn’t sell ‘em
do not fear the tuba!
mind my radius
it stopped the game
they had to clear everyone off the ice
cuz my dad was so agitated..
and ain’t that cool?
would ur dad stop a hockey game for u?
[ i know he would!]
i will not sell that memory!
i have it in a lock-box
i take it out
once in a while
to honor it/ polish it-
it keeps me company when i stagger down memory lane..
when my parents had parties
and all of dads friend would show up
to canoodle
they refered to him as ‘reeka’
and i thought?
reeka?- that doesn’t make any sense
so then later in life i found out
that he had a second job selling vacumn cleaners
to put my hot dogs on the table
i guess eureeka was a brand name?
so growing up my friends would ask’why do they call ur dad ‘reeka?’
and i would reply
“cuz he stinks”
oh- i’m going to hell alright!
my dad liked booby orr
my mom would wake me up
and feed me
and then take me to 5 am hockey practice
in some windy far off land
and stand there/ watching my mistakes
so she was no slouch
straight jacket love
straight jacket love
straight jacket love..
why won’t my mother hug me?
holiday!
if i ate all
my peas
and licked my plate
would it make a difference?
[my hair is tired]
i just want to help!
bobby orr
give peas a chance
should i shut out
my lights and pretend you
don’t exist?
or fill my basket up with
candy and insist..insist
you grab one more?
cuz ur hungry and a child and
u put effort in and candy is sweet!
and so are you!
please-miss do not mis construe
i’m just funnin
as james brown says
‘talking loud- and saying nothing’
should i go out to dinner on halloween
or spend the money on candy for the lil door bangers?
[ bjork carves pumpkins- smiles- and sends them off
to the Louvre- art for arts sake- don't u know?
stick a candle in ur ass- u might just glow]
bobbby orr half a loaf
maybe hugless because your sign reads:
*please beware – half a bobby off*
sideshow love
GB-STL-NE
PIT-HOU-NYG-PHI
SEA-TB-DEN
SF-MIN-IND-TEN
Tiebreaker: Then current Chicago Bears head coach Dick Jauron’s response when asked what goes on at team meetings – “We talk about things.“
david bowie-panic in detroit pt 1
bowie came to a lil theater
in beantown for two nights
3000-4000 seats and i went to ticket agent
and bought 4 tix at a hundred a pop
for me and some friends
and got 14th row
i’ve seen him stadiums before but
this was cool and when he sang panic in detroit
he kept pointing at me
me!
david bowie-panic in detroit part 2
so it was a tuesday night and
a wenesday thing and i went on tuesday
and came to work on wenesday and my boss said
how was the show?-how was bowie?
and i kept singing-panic in detroit!
i was happy but i think my repeated singing
of panic in detroit might have irked some people that wenesday
david bowie-panic in detroit pt 3
so that night/ i said screw it
even tho i didn’t have tix
i’m going to the show
and as i entered the place and elbowed/clawed
my way up to the ticket window
and said to ticket lady-one ticket please
and she sighed and said-it’s sold out
i replied
what about all the tickets that the rich flucks have on wait?
and if they don’t show up?
when do those go on sale?
and she paused..
she paused!/ thats when i knew i got her!
so she said 15 minutes
and i just stood at that ticket window smiling at her
whistling final jeapordy…
and of course not letting anyone get in front of me
and i got a ticket! 6th row!
david bowie-panic in detroit pt 4
and of course he sang the song
and pointed-no doubts,ifs ,ands are buts
at me
Me!
and the next day at work i was
dragging my ass around but happy
in a tired way
gettin old sucks
david
robert
jones
panic in tuba park
your the bandof you’re band
do i come across as angry?
i snapped
half-heartedly
miss understood?
because hash is a good meal
which fills u up
i have a welcome mat
that says
please leve ur slobber at home
i knitted with my fists!
one gray day
don’t ring my doorbell please
ooh!
i get a bob orr!
of course you may
come to my house my house
but only if you annouce yourself with
gusto and flourish
if u rat-a-tat on my windows
u must wash them later
poodle
if u hang from my rafters in
a disquieting way
may i say..
we hang together
or we hang alone?
jump sauce
ooh- i get another orr!
in a round room
can u corner your fears?
and wrap it up in a tasty box?
i didn’t think so
it is not the corner
that i run to
or embrace
it’s the thought that
one day-i might tunnel out
and enjoy freedom fries
do you wish you could be me?
for just one day?
[well- i don't get up till 10-30 11]
free the tidbits!
i am in my bobby orr glory!
hala hue-achoo-ya
sundays child is full of pain
i do equestrian on
my hobby-horse
for no rhyme
or reason
i just like to be tall in the saddle
i guess
as the coast guard dude
said to me
as i was sinking
all hat-no paddle!
it was kinda funny
he made a tugboat sound
as he left me to my watery death
blowhole
bobby orr again!
now is not enough time
yesterday is gone
spit on your hands for lube
when you abandon me
and turn your back
well
that is when the long knives come out!
bristol cream
justice pales beside
ur calm demeanor
number 4- bobby orr
if i could
pick a booger off my chin
and your stupid cupid arrow from my back
would u love me any less?
blue cheese dressing
heinz baked beans
ham
Mexican jumping beans
not with out my daughter
shall we sally in the fields?
or sashay down main street?
certs has retsin in them and
flavor crystals
Et tu, ba?
i’m giving out
cigarettes this halloween
but i’m not if i should give out matches
but i will if ur kid is dressed like joan of arc
i’m not sure if i should give out matches[geez- i can't spell]
but i have petrol in my garage and bonfires are lovely
this time of year
burnt toast sucks!
i am not a bagel person
but a friend of mine flew to san diego
and needed a ride to la
and i just threw him the keys and said
i don’t ever want to see this car again
make sure u drain the oil
before u dump it so the engine seizes
and i can collect insurance
cuz i couldn’t afford the payments anymore
and after a couple of days i reported it ‘stolen’
and then i called my friend
to make sure everything was ok
and he told me he super-glued bagels on
the side of the car
and he called it the ‘bagel-mobile’
and ran into many telephone poles
and trashed the car
and like a month later i got a check from the
insurance company
i just really wanted to say bobby orr/ thank u
You rule.
menthol?-regular?
or does ur precious prefer non-filtered?
smoke ‘em if u got ‘em!
tiny hands for tiny matches
see ya next year
little puffers!
robert g. orr
Kools?- cuz u look like
a cool kid and u got a
cool costume and i think the pezdent sucks on them
when he’s not sucking out ur future
be good!
‘ring’
i answer the door and say
are you dressed like a lil marlboro man?
are you?
hombre
bobby andd
could u empty this ashtray
on a liberals porch
for me?
thanks-”lil’ inhaler’
yup
be good blah blah see you next harvest moon
if bettie davis and lucille ball
had a cage match
who would u [cough]
bet on?
as you sit
in a smoke filled room
and exhale..
are you stagnant?
or chasing dreams?
wheee- i get another ride on
the bobby orr rollercoaster!
wheee indeed
many would rather ride
the rodney atkins tractor.
still, shine on.
i wish i saw katherine
hepburn at the end
of her life with a weed-whacker in
her shaky hands cuz that could do damage
and i like to laugh
jean arthur looks
like rene russo
but they’re both dead to me
lana turners bum
in the postman always rings twice
is…
yes- i have an American Dream
ding dong
just wanted an orr/ thank you
i do guys too!
said the joker to the thief
victor mature looks like christopher noth
everynight of the week
burt lancaster had a tiny waist
but a deep voice
paul newman commandeered a dream boat
look at me! i’m sailing the r.g.o. seas
next stop…funkytown!
bon voyage
to you
bugs button
to play in traffic
is to live
i wouldn’t say my gal was slow
but she did live life at ‘parade speed’
but on further reflection- i could always catch her!
maybe it was her irong lung that attracted me to her?
or was it her horizontal charm?
she would lay there some days…
all day long
while i was all busy making mirth..
did i resent her? and her lacksadaisacal ways- her refusal
to take out the garbage , her decision to just lie there,sipping on a straw?-her gruff demeanor?her sarcastic taunts-calling me legs diamond?-relationships are hard-
but i had to end it because it was best for both of us…
did i end up hating her?
yes, yes i did
we would argue and she would call me
‘speedy gonzales’
or ‘go go gomez’
and i would say back
‘hot dog cart’
meals on wheels’
i’d rather push you away,than pull you in’
and then she would say back
‘john wayne’
‘you make my life hell’
‘ break a leg’
then i would retort
‘what color is the ceiling?’
‘i’ve fallen and i can’t get up’
‘get up,stand up-stand up for your rights’
and then she would say…
i think i was richard burton and
she was liz taylor
she would cry sometimes say
‘why are you so cruel?’
and i would say
‘i’m not- i just bought you a pony, it’s in the DRIVEWAY with
a bow on it’s head”
and she we say back
‘honey, you know i’m in an iron lung and can’t ride a pony”
and i would say
‘your right honey….your always right”
we used to ply
games sometimes
one i used to call
‘tag-your’e it’
i beat her everytimr
but i tried not to rub her face in it
red rover red rover
send iron lung right over
soccer sometimes
or futbol as they say
she was good with her head
but her footwork
left much to be desired
we had nicknames for each other
she used to call me asshole
and i would call her tubby
lil love nicknames y’know
she’d call me ‘the jerk with two legs,no brain,no heart’
and i’d call her my ‘layover in chicago[or kansas city]
i took her to lunch once
once
just once…
it was embarrasing
she had a steely gaze about her
and metal ribs
and rings on her fingers
not stopping!
she ran away from home one time..
i tripped over her that night on my way to the bathroom
lay lady lay
lay across my big brass bed
i guess i miss her..
and the thought of all
the money she could bring me if
i brought her into one of them recycling centers
cuz metals xpensive
honey-don’t move
i want to take ur picture!
i used to say that to her all
the time but i never had film in the camera
not stopping!
just lie there honey
and stare at the stars
i just got off the phone with a miracle doctor
u’ll be up and about next week [ ha ha]
honey baby baby cakes
if anything happens to me
i left u some stuff in my will
‘what?’
my hockey skates,running shoes.crutches
high heeled sneakers
and my leapord skin pill-box hat
i used to bring her
to the car wash and put a bag over
her head and wheel her thru
cuz i didn’t want her
to get her hair wet
we were gonna have
children but i insisted
that she breast fed the kid
and since she was in an iron lung
i didn’t want my kid crawling around machinery
because that’s dangerous
we took ballroom dancing
lessons
a ‘couple’ thang
but it just ended up with
me looking like a hospital orderly pushing
shit down the hall
i miss her
i still have an old soccer ball attached
to an old rusty water heater in my garage that i visit
when i get lonely
i used to tickle
her cruelly
she got her digs in though
she could spit good
350!
i wouldn’t say she was a cold bitch
but when the temperature drops
i think metal gets colder but i’m no scientist
i used to wear oven mitts
please remember,
always wear rubber gloves and a mask
when cleaning an equestrian statue’s
pigeon verve.
if u have a tea party, it is fun fun fun!
when u pour slowly
and have a large bottle of scotch
good-or pretty good scotch next
to u that you can swig from and maybe
some malt liquor as a chaser
hot kettles spouts liquid into teeny tiny cups
i’m sorry if this sounds sexual
u dirty tea partier
i used to have my
cat named Blue, who i washed in blue food coloring
and he was blue
over for tea and i put a
tiara on his head
and poured him much cream
and fed him shrimp because i asked myself
what cat would let you put a tiara on him?
answer-no cat.. but Blue
we wouldn’t invite
Mr Bim cuz he had half an arm
with a wire sticking out
and he had a tendencey
to spill things
me and Blue [meow]
would invite the whole dosh-garned world to
our tea parties
but sadly-no one came
and tea gets cold so we had to start and
i apologize for my fast start but
tea was getting cold and Blue had a tiara on his blue head and
i thought it was best to start
it was a judgment call
not coincidentally,
one david robert jones
put pancake and mascara on his cat
and called her electric blue.
thank you guinsPen
who was his best guitarist?
earl slick,carlos alomar
or mick ronson?
i think we all know the answer
as i always told my
iron lung honey
‘don’t freak out-in a moonage daydream’
and she would shoot back something,some barking comment
that i didn’t hear
cuz i walked outta the room laughing
i couldn’t hear her cuz i was laughing so hard
but, on my side of the ledger, after i wiped the tears from my face i came back and wiped her good
when i thought it calm enuff
i encourage people to see the
movie ‘who’s afraid of virginia wolff’
if u ever see
a 40 year old busboy
with tatooes
chances are he just got out of prison
she cried alot/often
but i would just
turn the sound up on my clicker
to drown out her tears
she tried to ridicule me
but she was in an irong lung
so i had the upper hand
and happyfeet
tension, and a spoon full of sugar
makes the world go around
[salt]
she had a face that
could sail a thousand ships…
in my bathtub..
[splash splash]
she would often call me
fred astaire-the bastard
and she was my half priced ginger rogers
[tap-tap]
i’m a yankee doodle dandy-with functioning legs!
born on the 4th of july!
i used to sing
sound and vision by bowie
to my blue car
Blue! what a coinidink!
blue blue
electric blue
as he sat there
in his finery/ with a tiara on his noggin
puzzled but content!
content is probably the best word
to define
my blue cat Blue
he was so cool!- and he was blue!
if u came home
all agitated from a tough day
at work,and just wanted to
relax on the couch drinking
an ice coffee[black-x-tra ice]
he would just sit
in his blue corner-content
but if u wanted a hug and snug he knew
and he would come over and dish out his
blue love to you!
his name was Blue- Blue the cat!
and we/i painted him blue with blue
food coloring
and my neighbors stop talking to me
avoiding me
getting nervous around me
but i had a blue cat
so fuck-em
he was calm,cool and collected..
and i hope i’m not playing one note
but he was blue and i highly
recommend people to
paint their pets blue
painting ur pets blue [ the 4 leg kind]
is cheaper than buying an aquarium and
stocking it with some blue exotic fishes
but i guess you could just
buy avatar and put it on a loop
but it wouldn’t hug you back
zzz…
thanks guinsPen- thats Blue!
all your hustle and bustle
couldn’t bother Blue
all your to-ing and fro-ing
wouldn’t matter to Blue
all your rushing and fussing…
wouldn’t matter to Blue
he would catch mice only when he felt
like it-not to eat them or take them to your door
and drop them at your happyfeet-
he’d just catch lil mickey mouses cuz he felt like it
if he was in the mood
and frankly, i respect that
he would often perch
on top of the t.v.
and as you were watching the detectives
he’d be watching you
and sometimes yawn
because you [i] are [am] boring
but he was blue in hue
he had a clue
i had a cat named Boston
who used to pee on my couch
lazy-boy
but i got rid of him
because i was sick and tired of coming
home and sitting in pee
and who can blame me?
sitting in pee sucks alot
i liked him
and used to say
listen Boston
you can’t be peeing on my couch
okay?- i love you but this shit gotta stop
okay?
i open your tender vittles
i open your meow mix
i put them in bowls-for you
but- please- do not pee on my couch!
sadly her bladder wouldn’t listen
and it was off to the pound with you
[i did give her a chance though-to change her wet ways]
i’m more of a dog person
we/ i had a dog named Barkus
who we didn’t buy
but a friend of ours owned
and he just showed up at the house
one day-and moved in
and he was…he had a huge head
half g-shep-half samoyan
huge huge head
and he wouldn’t fetch sticks
oh no
he only fetched rocks!
big heavy rocks!
you could throw a boulder and say
go fetch
and he would go and retrieve it and
bring it back to you
and it might have dog spit on it
when he laid it at your feet but it
made you smile
Dude! Are you still at this?
i had three or
four pugs
and the first one i had committed
suicide because of
my asshole brother-in law
who was a real jerk
but my sister got a divorce
and everyones happy now
except the dead pug
unless he’s in doggie heaven
mr bob reed/ yes/ i hope i am not a bother/ just funning
are you a doctor?
Barkus was so cool
cuz he had gentle soul and you
could walk up the street and he would tag along
behind you and u didn’t have to put him
on a leash or anything
and people would cross the street when they
saw us coming
and it made you feel safe
walking up the street with a big dog that
resembled a lil black baby bear
smile! you’re on candid camera!
i knew Barkus would never
bite or attack anyone
but strangers didn’t know that
so they would give u a wide berth
cuz he was large with a big huge head and
was scary looking and looked
just like a baby cub bear
freedom! that’s how i felt
walking down the street with Barkus
who-by the way-chose to live with me
came out of a store
one time
and Barkus was just hanging out
waiting for me
and their was a little kid
petrified
crying-looking at Barkus in fear
and i felt bad for the kid
so i made him pet Barkus
against his will
cuz Barkus was a gentle soul-no doubt
and the kid and Barkus bonded
and now i can’t get the ‘lil’ patter
to stop calling the house
who does he think he is? mickey rooney?
had a russian box turtle
who ran away one day
as i was sunning myself
on the porch
i just put him down for a second,closed my eyes
bam-he was gone!
those suckers are fast!
Dude! Still here?
But no, you’re not bothering me. And I’m not a doctor, just a humble rocket scientist.
Are you going to a thousand?
i’m runnin outta pet stories
just tryin to make it to 400 then i’ll
stop
had a dog named sheena
and i used to sing
to her-sheena is-a punk rocker
sheena is…a punk rocker
and i live next to a golf course and i
cut a hole in the fence to it and
used to let her out
at night to run, or do whatever
and i heard her yelp
cuz she stepped on a stick
with a nail in it and i
went and picked her up and
rushed to the vets
but it was at night so it took awhile to find a willing vet
an open vet hospital
and i had dog blood all over me but
it’s nice to save a life
isn’t it?
i don’t really
want to talk about
my sisters cat-’lil shaver’
who was inbred
and would pee in your mouth
when u were
asleep
cuz i hated that cat
That cat should have applied for an NEA grant.
my sis had
a pug named ‘dudley’
and in Boston there is
a train station
bus stop named dudley square-and a bus that went,goes there
goes all the way down mass. ave to harvard square
which is kinda a well known route
so when you wanted someone to screw,leave u alone
u would say-’take a dudley’
take a dudley indeed
i have a teddy bear[ monkey]
who i got out of the attic
and squirrels chewed off
half of one his arms
which has a wire sticking out of
it but i wouldn’t call him
a pet, more like my best friend forever
Mr. Bim!
Mr Bim
kinda smells when and
if u hug him [look out for that wire!]
but he likes stuff i like
moonlight
walks on the beach
doggerel poetry
stuff like that [watch out for the half arm
with a wire sticking out!]
nine more baby! nine more to 400!
i feel like cool hand luke eating eggs
i used to tell
my best friends daughter
that i was gonna
buy her a pony [ we all/both knew it was a joke]
when she was a lil scrump
[light-hearted]
so she’s like 30 now and says
to me
wheres my pony?-i think i want a mustang
i used to call
his house and she’d answer
and sometimes he’d be away
so i would say to her
listen,this is very important
get a pen and paper- i have a message for ur dad
ok she would say
then she’d come back all innocent/ ok-mr mike-whats the message?
and i’d say- this is really really important ok
ok she’d say
are u listening? i’d say
yup
ok i’d say-heres the message…
then i would hang up!
oh, she was a quick learner
she’d call my home and hang up on me
in no time
thats y he’s my best friend
cuz he laffs at me and
his daughters ‘hang-up’ games
life is funny sometimes
you had a blue cat.
bob flew a tomcat.
brian wilson shaved his
and wrote a song about it.
and trains and dogs, toot.
said shaving session.
pdbuttons, bringin’ the rhyme
man got no limits, he do it all the time
he goin’ to a mille
like strollin’ up a hill
he’ll have finished an opus; and we’ll be blinded by his shine!
…
…
Is it here where I invoke the name of Bobby Orr?
True Story:
Flyin’ in my aluminum cloud
Wizzo saw 6 bandits; what a crowd!
Six times I called “Fox three!”
‘Til none were left to chase me
Boy were we feelin’ mighty proud…
At least, that’s how I remeber it happening; and, after all, it’s my sea story :)
Headin’ fo’ fo’hunyet, but I’ll leave it fo’ pd
He’s the doggerel man that I could never be
I could a busted another rhyme, but pd do it all the time
To rob him of his thrill would a been a crime…
Burma shave
Twin Cities
You took numbah fo’ hunyet from pd!
You might be harshin’ his mellow…
Ah, whatevz…He took a break from production…
At least it wasn’t me.
[garbled] took a break from production…
A hookah break, some say.
Mea toka.
You took numbah fo’ hunyet from pd!
Gulf of Sidra.
no one takes anyting from pd on
this site
they just give and give[ smile]
i flew a plane once
it was outside the supermarket
on the walk
it was
stagecoach
pink pony
aeroplane
i always picked aeroplane!
u’d put 6 quarters in it and it,sit on it
would shake like hell for a couple
of minutes
and i’m proud to say i never eject eject
i’m not bragging or nothing
Fact is: number 407 is the shit.
Buy me a ticket to an aeroplane…
ain’t got time to take a fast train
Fact is: 410 is the important comment to hit.
u don’t have to thank me
for the fact that no one busted into
your car while
i was ‘patrolling the parking lot’
it’s what i do
on my little aeroplane!
beware wobbers
rat-a-tat rat-a-tat
Huzzah! Excelsior!
You hit 410, sir!
oh thank heaven!
lonely days are gone!
i have playmates who sent me a letter!
i had a playmate
once who was the fastest kid
in elementry school
and then later in life
he hit the lottery and
the next day he came
down to the local watering hole
with a list
‘u owe me 10 bucks/ u owe me 20 bucks’
etc-he had a paper with names of people that owed him money
chump change, and he just hit the lottery
i thought it was tacky
and uncalled for
i didn’t owe him anything
not my style
neither a borrower or a lender be
type shit
but the gall..
anyway-we ain’t playmates anymore
maybe i’m envy? sin and shit?
reflection makes me nervous
my favorite playmates
were the mcnamara boys
we used to
play war
and they got pissed at me
cuz i ‘wouldn’t die’ when
i got shot but they
had a tree house and
that’s where i felt my first boob
i’ll name her name
cuz she still got boob but
she married an arab and i’m
afraid someone might fly a plane into my building
so i won’t
deeeeeee-corum
her first name is joanne
that’s all i’m saying
next door lived the randalls
and i used to go
out with one of thier daughters
she lived on the third floor
so one night,coming home from some bar
i thought
gee- i’ll go see *****
and she had this tree next to
her house and i
climbed up three floors and opened her window
to her bedroom but
she wasn’t home so i
went downstairs and
made a peanut-butter sandwich
i made a peanut-butter sandwich at 3-4 in the
morning in some strangers house and then i
left
i’m lucky i didn’t get shot
God looks out 4 fools and drunks
her father was a hippie
who drove a motorbike
a crappy lil motorbike
putt-putt mobile
and had a helmet that looked like the american flag
easy rider
so i kinda knew he didn’t
have a gun as
i was making my sandwich
but her mom was what i was afraid of
she made her own bread from scratch
[nice family]
if you’ve ever seen the
movie ‘the perfect storm’
one of the brothers was a fisherman
on that boat and he died
true
war
huh
good god
what is it good for?
joanne
your carefree, gay old schoolyard races
confused many assembled spectators.
at every running those masses asked,
“how can one tell who is which?”
and ever were they politely told,
“my dears, it’s all elementary.”
i wear depends diapers
as a fashion statement
cuz i can pull it off
the turtle stops walk
looks up in the sky at hawks
laughs at the bunny
poking himself out of his shell
and eyeballing big blue,
the bowie laughed back.
a girl my age
went off her head
hit some tiny children
if the black hadn’t pulled her off
i think she would have killed them
how many years we got?
we’ve got 5 years,stuck on my eyes
we’ve got 5 years, what a surprise
we’ve got 5 years, my brain hurts alot
we’ve got 5 years,that’s all we got
i have the playground all to myself![again]
that means i can run around
fall down
get up and dust myself off
pick any ride
but i really hate the fact
that my mom makes me wear a safety helmet
cuz i like wind in my hair
[thats my indian name-he who wears safety helmet]
who am i hurting?
myself?
wheee
well, sure,
but how many years
will lillehammer get?
and then where will they cram him?
i knew two guys
drinking buds
who had nicknames
one was called dil [or dill]
the other do[or doe]
so when i sat at the bar i would
say-dil-pause-do
dildo!
they were a couple of good guys
dill always had grease on his
glasses for some strange reason
but he was a pretty good drummer in his youth
and he gave me his snare drum
it’s a ludwig-’66′
i think it’s worth alot of money
it’s in…
it’s somewhere in the house
doe always said that
the yankees drafted him
and he played 2nd base
and he ‘coulda been a contender’
but who am i to judge?
he was funny
turner classic got on
kind hearts and coronets at 8 t-nite
and if any movie buffs haven’t seen it
i advise u 2
someone once mentioned that
you can’t chop your mama up in massachusetts.
say it ain’t so, doe!
lizzie borden would disagree
but i know it’s legal in
massachusetts to drive off bridges
and leave ur boiler girl behind
it’s true! i looked it up!
no fine-no penalty
just sweet sweet sympathy
though she might say allegedlizzie.
…
lizzy borden took their axes
and gave shibuya forty whackses.
then when they saw what they had done
they gave roppongi forty-one.
whattid i want ?
…
wendid i want it ??
…
…
’tis nice to be
viewed in a zoo as
long as you’re on the
right side of the cage
we had a crappy zoo
in stoneham mass.
and it had a polar bear
with a dirty ass
it wasn’t appealing because people
come to zoos to see polar bears
i think and i
oftened wondered
whose job is it to keep polar bears asses clean?
mine? you? mexicans?[ ouch}
polar bears should be
all white and fluffy
from their assholes to their elbows g-dammit!
you should want to hug them and i
know you do but -just a warning
they have razor claws and
my grandma-what big teeth you have!
i’d like to take one
of them polar bears to lunch
where they have one of
them soda dispensers with
all the ice u need for ur cup- u just push
the ice button [oh-someone said button!]
cuz i’d take lots and lots and lots of ice
for my polar bear friend
if you could put a
polar bear in the back of your pick-up truck i
know you would and drive around
all non-chalant
waving at people with a big
crease smile
i think polar bears
should be given badges and guns because
they’re endangered and shit
and i personally would love to
see a 10 foot high killer chasing
me across the arctic flashing his badge
saying stop! because i might
thinking he would put me in
igloo jail but
when he caught me he’d probably rip me to
shreds and leave the snow
red
ever play chess with a polar bear?
don’t!
they reach across the board and
rip your face off and
then take your queen
polar bears with
pinky rings shouldn’t be trusted because i think
they are from the mob and have
connections
bjork has polar bears
as pets because she tames them
i think polar bears
should be left to their own devices
with maybe…maybe
a club
so they could club them irritating baby seals
the club was actually the golden seals,
though they did wind up in barren cleaveland.
also, not too irritating, but plenty bad.
if u go thru swinging doors
just to have a drink cuz
ur tired from the dusty trail
must someone die?
yes, preferably three people
are all protitutes
in old west towns
so pretty and clean?
sherman-set the wayback machine to…
i want to
swim with dolphins but
they don’t wanna swim with me
i think it’s my odor
you didn’t ‘leave’ ur wallet behind
u just misplaced it in my pocket
once had a crack-head kick in my door
and the coppers came
and i’m all adrenaline saying
dust the door for fingerprints!
who kicks down ur door at 8;30 on a tuesday morning
so the cops go
we don’t dust kid
and i’m all agitated and shit
so they go
what did he look like?
and i say-puerto-rican-6 ft-150
and they take a sip of their
coffes and say
yeah-we been looking for that guy
they were totally busting my balls but
in retrospect
it was pretty funny
Some of these vignettes could work from sketches to short stories.
i don’t mind a good joke
even when i’m on the receiving end
but really-they just didn’t want
to do the paperwork and shit
and i have ball-buster friends who if we wuz
cop partners we would be laughing all the time
no one was hurt but
my ego was bruised
bh-i bookmarked this page and plan
on coming back
i particularly like my ‘iron lung’ thingys- i believe they start at 328-or somewhere around there
plus- d’oh
more than half this shit is true!
i couldn’t make it up on a bet
…1892 and the initial
dominion hockey challenge cup,
acquired via the generosity
of good old lord whatshisname.
And some we’ll just toss on the salad.
Sprinkle on, actually.
That Puerto Rican crackhead needs to meet Bobby Orr.
i bookmarked this page
i just wet my depends
i just wet my depends..
instead of throwing them out could
u mail them to me?
i’m doing an…art project for..
art class
mommy always had to
keep a sharp eye on me when
she put me on the merry-go-round because
i had a tendency to fly off
and who knew where i’d end up
nowadays u got cell phones and gps
so it’s alot easier to find me
in the bushes
under cars
in gutters
but mom would always find me!
when she was mad at me
she would give me a can of sphagetti-o’s for supper
and a can-opener that didn’t work
and say in her julia child voice
bon-apetit!
but that didn’t happen often and
she never beat me in public
gotta love your momma!
she just recently
passed away and we hired
a dixie-land jazz band for her funeral
and some of my friends said
“damn-that was the best funeral i’ve ever been to”
it was-but the band only
played four songs and they didn’t play
when the saints go marching…
so i had to go over and say
if u fuckers don’t play when the saints…
theres gonna be four more freshly dug graves here
and
they played it
oh when the saints-go marching in…
when the saints go marching in…
uh oh, spaghetti-o’s
afterwards-at the post-funeral party-reception
there was this really really drunk girl
who i had never seen before in my life
drinking two fisted-she always had two beers in her hand
and was pounding them down
and she ended up falling down and i think
now
was she an angel sent to look after momma?
cuz she’s doing a crappy job
i haven’t a clue to this
day who she was
everybody there had nice ‘funeral’ clothes on
but she was dressed in jeans and a t-shirt
but man could she drink!
i think she was an angel
she didn’t say much
just grumbled alot
actually she was too busy drinking
to have a conversation with
always had a bottle to her lips
four vodkas and a funeral
in texas it would be tequila, though
with mariachis
ajua!
she was doing pretty good
standing up wise
until she met ‘mr stairs’
the tumble in the jungle!
frazier goes down,frazier goes down!
though she did get up-like angels
always do
and started right back pounding down the booze
credit where credit is due
rocky! rocky!
she made alot of noise when she fell
down them stairs
everyone kinda stopped and looked
but she bounced right back up without a
care in the world and went to the fridge and
got two more beers
she had class!
that wots don’t kill me
only makes me stronger
schaefer light will do that
it was colt 45 malt liquor
only the best for post ma funeral
my mama’s downfall involved
a bubbly mister corker.
yo, mama, duck!
reduck, mama!
tuba polka music!
that’s rock’n'roll
with just a hint of genocide!
are hints clues?
because i can certainly ‘take a hint’
but people often say i ‘ haven’t got a clue’
funny story time
i met some buds before a union meeting
at th eire pub in dorchester
so i go to take a piss
and the bathroom is this tiny closet like thing
and they had three urinals in there and i’m doing my pee duty
next to two other guys when suddenly one of
my buddies burst through the door- i think he thought the bathroom would be bigger
and he stopped
so i look over at him and said ‘hey-[pause] stop winking at me]
and he just looks at me with his mouth all agape
and the guy next to me says’you’re not in prison anymore’
my friend still tells that story to this day
his nickname was the tounge
i never really thought about why
he was just -the tounge
everybody called him that
so one day i asked him
why do they call you the tounge?
and he said when he
was a lil rambler he played basketball
and when he dribbled the ball upcourt his tounge was always
hanging out
true!
i have some funny friends- and i always tell them
about this site-but some people ain’t as political/interested
about this stuff as me
but i tell em
the tounge-what a great guy!
i told him my daddy went
out for a loaf of bread when i was a lil tyke
and never came home
so in work-we’d be in two different rooms
and he would call out my name to talk or say something
and i would pause and say
‘daddy-is that you?’
and u could hear him cracking up
work sucks cuz of
numerous reasons but u always
got a prick boss and if ur laughing
they think ur not working
but fuck em-y’know
i had a short boss
and i used to call him
michael j fox on stilts
gee- why are u laying me off?
if i said
baby ruth bar out ass number two
was one of my computer acsess codes
i might be lying
but i might not
when i lived
with my iron lung girlfriend
i used to call her
‘the speaker of the house’
and she would shoot back-calling me ‘spats’
then there was the time i
took tap dancing lessons
not so much for myself but
so i could show her what a pair a legs could do
plus
tap- dancing sounds are cruel-tap tap!
what’s the matter with baby jane?
i’m-[tap tap]-sending a-[tap]-letter-[tap]
to daddy-[tappy tap tap tap]
bow…[waiting for flowers,or rotten vegtables]
what ever happened to baby jane
is the correct title of the movie
bettie davis/joan crawford
bettie davis was born right up the road
lowell ma
i live in quincy/ which they used to call new braintree and we have
two dead pezdents
but also lee remick
who’s parent owned REMICKS
which was a upscale department store
and dick dale lived here / king of the surf guitar
and ruth gordon
who was a good columbo villian
and of course lil shiny me!
what u got?
if u never seen lee remick
twirl a baton in that
movie ‘a face in the crowd’
u haven’t lived!
plus sheriff andy wasn’t so pleasant
i gotta cut the lawn today because
halloweens coming up and got to
spruce the mansion up a ‘lil’
but i always thought children should be seen and not heard’
so if they don’t ring my doorbell
i wont have to hear ‘trick or treat’
i also like
spare the rod, spoil the child
no, i like kids
i can stand about two hours of ‘kid’ stuff
then i have to excuse myself and have a
large drink
by myself
naw-just joking
kids are cool-we all used to be one
circle of life and shit
except that snotty red-haired paper-boy
i don’t like him too much
but i will try
bobby orr gets the 500
“can stand about two hours?”
so far it’s over two weeks.
and for my money,
my papa stood for too much.
…
the above were the missing line threes.
u get past 500
u might as well shoot for a thousand
i think i might only
have maybe 300 other stories
in my noggin and if i tell
them all i might fall down dead
but what a way to go!
always tip your paperboy,
because
he may just tip you back.
U-
chant of the ever circling skel\etal family is one of my faves! thanks..
my mother used to give me a rubber band and
a paper clip and say
“go shoot at the moon”
i haven’t hit it yet but when i do
i’ll bring u a big hunk of green cheese
t-minus
$2.99,
and counting.
i’m planniing to live on the moon
when i move outta my mommas basement
but i haven’t found a moving company yet
and after my initial call and inquiry
they get all huffy and wont take my phone calls anymore
some even have restraining orders against me
i thought the customer was always right
big business has lied to me again
you call
u-haul?
y’all-haul in dixie.
but how’s it pronounced
down east?
yup-called em all
u-haul
they gave me the stall
told me to call
back next fall
take a hike
f*** off
welcome to b-town, now screw
take a dudley
not a very friendly town
if u drive down to the cape [cod] there ain’t one
place to take a pee
and that’s just wrong
i went to missisippi one time
and they were the kindest nicest folks u’d ever
want to meet
so coming home i get to new jersey to find a gas station
to gas up and tinkle
and all i had were american express checks
and the guy behind the counter wouldn’t accept them
and i’m squirming cuz i gotta go
so i say-ok-wheres ur bathroom
and he says back
restrooms are for paying customers only
welcome back to the northeast my son
u ain’t in missisippi
wherever i may be,
i still count on my paperboy…
…
to deliver the straight dope.
we never had a cookie jar
so i had to sneak chocalate chip cookies in the
house in my underwear
and on laundry day my mom would say
whats up with all the skid marks?
and i just mumble- i don’t know
so she made me go see a think doctor
but it was only for an hour a day- once a week
and the whole time i was sitting on the couch
all i thought about was warm chocalate chip
cookies
what are the top four ice cream flavors?
i always say
chocalate
vanilla
choc-chip
and heres where i get in arguments
i always say coffee
but it might be a new england thing
believe me/ americas such a wicked pissa cool country
that u could probably go outside ur humble abode
and go to some store in like ten minutes and get
almond joy ice cream,or fudgetown,or sherbet
in many flavors
i was just wondering the top 4 bobby orr
USA-USA-USA
i like coffee
and cocaine
but coffee ice cream is cheaper and
causes u less problems
in the long run
i know u can go to dairy queen
or speciality ice cream shops and
get all kinds of mouth wonderment
i was talking basics
btw- when i had to change
my iron lung galfriends diapers i used
to call her my ‘dairy queen’
and she would spit right back
‘u’r a f****** asshole who makes
my life a living hell”
i miss her- but not ‘ the changing of the diapers’
cuz frankly, that sucked
my irong lung gal
had a certain calmness about her
when i spiked her sippy cup
with drugs
but u only live once, right?
might as well have some calm
i would have hugged her more
but i was born with a freak condition where if
i touch metal
i turn moody
so i try to never touch metal
unless it’s a rocketship going to mars with
salma hayek driving
cuz i’m all ‘touchy’ on that
i painted her iron lung
battleship gray
and i was her ‘lil’ tugboat’ that would
steer her in
to safety
sometimes
schlitz malt liquor: no one does it like the bull!
i never run from trouble and
consider myself a stand-up guy
unless someone says ‘cavity search’
then it’s bye-bye
i cant watch that
scene in the movie the marathon man
with dustin hoffman
where he tortures him with them dental tools
i just cant
even thinking about makes me shudder
the only good dentist was the one
in rudolph the red nosed reindeer
who they shipped off
to the island of misfit toys
even a miracle needs a hand
oops, that’s a different christmas special
i still cry when
i see ‘it’s a wonderful life’
and i ain’t ashamed to admit it
and i like charlie brown christmas
cuz i have a crush on lucy
if anyone remembers ‘kimba-the white lion’
it was a cartoon from the 60′s-70′s
so in work one day i said
i always had a crush on kimba
and the guy next to me said ‘dude-kimba was a guy’
so- it’s not bad enough that i have
a crush on a cartoon character
now i find out i have a crush on a male cartoon character?
i did alot of introspection that night i tells ya
my therapist keeps insisting
we ‘up my dosage’
but frankly i’m in a
happy place right now
and i wouldn’t trade it
for all the tea in china
i’ll up the dosage of my shiner bock
my therapist
or my ‘team’ of therapists
just sit there expecting me to speak
when all i can think of is
damn-i left my knife in the car
my ‘team’ of therapists want to know
and do u want to know my ‘problem’
i think it’s cuz my mother didn’t breast feed me chocalate milk
moo
my therapist asked me- what do u want?
i wish i was german
cuz i like to march..
no-wait-i wish i was french cuz i’d like to take
my dog to restaurants
no- upon deep reflection- i wish i had a russian soul
the better to bore you with
no wait-i wish i was canadian-because hockey rules!
no-mmm-i think i’d like to be australian because down under is the place you want to be but
damn-i’m just a white-boy american
what will happen to me?
oh-cruel cruel world
we used to have ‘rock’ fights with the street down the hill
picture two parallel streets-mine on top of the hill
and them lil f-tards would start throwing rocks
at us- but we had the high ground!
we would just rain rocks down on them until they ceased their
stupid game
and then throw a few more just for fun
hey, they started it
and one time- i guess one of them played guitar-
they took out an amp and talked thru it
uh-this is the police-you are in serious trouble blah blah
we just laughed and through more rocks at them
idiots
threw more rocks at them/ sp/
i think people should keep both eyes on
teenagers cuz if my parents knew i got
in rock fights…
well…
i would never have desert again
how much of a bozo do you have to be to start a rock fight with someone who lives uphill?
i am glad i am not that stupid
my team of therapists insist i tell them a story
went to a party on that street
in my friends car-which he bought with his
own money from all his hard work
mowing lawns and stuff-he was really proud of that car
and i was smoking a cigarette in his back seat-and i inadvertantly[my fault] burned
put a hole in one of his seats
he was PISSED
and i’m all wiley coyote- didn’t know
what to say-cuz ur wrong ur wrong..
but then a year later he wrapped that car
around a telephone pole going 100 mph
and thank god he lived-cuz he’s a nice guy
so he probably forgot about my cigarette burn
but i haven’t
therapy
shitty things i’ve done pt 2
a house burned down next door
and it left a vacant lot-but on the far side of
the lot there was a wall- 8-10 foot high
so one day-taking my dog for a walk and eating an apple
me and rosie ended up at the precipice
and i dangled the core in the air and she went for it
and fell ten feet to the ground
and i knew that would happen but i did it anyway
and she yelped and ran home and i felt remorse
and went home and hugged her much
i think thats about it
for my evil
so i guess that ain’t too bad..
i always open doors[ how come lesbians get angry when u do that for them?-they get all nasty and shit- hey- i'm just opening a fricking door! have a nice day---geez louise]
put my blinker on in my car
smile alot [not retarded goofy smile-but sincere]
pro-wisdom is the best therapy i’ve ever had!
thanks dr. jeff jeff
while my paperboy may be a girl
and be more magentaheaded than red,
i still manage to tip her accordingly.
(usually a c-note, the people’s note!)
two two three
thanks guinsPen- you bring me joy1
even though u called me a ‘zonoes before [i dont forget]
i always tipped my red headed paperboy even though he sucked at his job
missed the porch and i had to go out on the lawn to retreive it- i still gave him at least a 20% tip
just like when u get a shitty waitress who fucks up
ur order and seems like a recently released mental patient
who wouldn’t know a warm meal from a cold fart
i always tip- good..
i like blue collar people-even if they are–bereft
what’s a ‘zonoes’ ? i still don’t know
i asked u before and u said ‘you are’ which was funny
i’m a semi-talented guitar player [ i can play midnight rambler!]
and i have this cool drum machine
with different settings
latin
reggae
blues
rockabilly [cool]
country[also cool]
but my favorite is the polka beat!
it is soooo punk rock!
the red headed paperboy was a desendent
he/ we had like his three sisters before him
who were my paper delivery people
and -eh-two of them were good
one-eh-not so much
but this lil snotty red haired kid really sucked
imagine the worst paperboy you would
think you could ever have
and then double it
he never hit the porch
and when it was time to collect his fees he was always snotty and moody and sarcastic
with me
man-i hated that kid
thank the lord i dont read papers no more
cuz there would be one less red headed paperboy in this world
and one more body in prison
like the waitress who brings u
ur main meal first
then brings u ur appetizers ten minutes later
oops!
what are ya gonna do? put
her in waitress prison camp?
what- u just gotta say God bless America
at least theres a place where i can go to
get something to eat
at a reasonable price and i didn’t have
to cook and i don’t have to wash up them dishes
because USA is a pretty damn fine place to be
i went out with a girl
briefly-very briefly
and we were talking on the phone one time
and politics came up
she was a hillary supporter and
she was gushing how she met her
and “bill’ at some fund-raiser
she was a feminist i’m pretty sure
so thats cool with me
then i mention that i liked gwbush and listened to rush linbaugh
and she started screaming-and hung up on me!
so i called her back but she wouldn’t pick up
so i left messages on her answering machine in
a lil girls voice-pretending to be a lil afghanistan girl
‘thank you mr. bush-now i can read because of you’
thank you America-now i have a future’
“thank you mr. bush,one day i might be pezdent’
‘thank you America- you are so cool”
then i got bored and stopped
some people you just can’t talk to
vicious
you hit me with a flower
you do it every hour
oh baby your so vicious
a couple of halloweens ago
some teen-age mother came to the door
chewing gum with a bored expression
going ‘trick or treat’
and she had like four bags in her hands
a kid on her arm
and two kids in the stroller on the sidewalk
so i got upset and said
look- if ur kids want candy they gotta walk
up to my house and ring the doorbell
she didn’t even have a costume on
unless unwed pregnant teenage mom with three
kids in tow is a costume
cuz if it is
she nailed it
i mean- u gotta make an effort right?
at least crawl up my steps and ring the door bell
but in retrospect unmarried pregnant teenage mom with
three kids in tow was probably the best costume i ever seen
except one year a kid was dressed as a dragon -really good dragon
so i remember him
one year when i was
a lil whippersnapper-my folks took me and my friends
out to the suburbs to trick or treat
and me and my buddies bought eggs
cuz we were punk ass and were gonna egg someones house
but i tripped on the sidewalk and
had egg all over me
justice!
teenage kids really suck
there was an old guy in the neighborhood
and when u rang his doorbell he invited u in
nothing creepy or nothing like that
and he had this elaborate train set in his living room
and you had to watch it for a couple of minutes to get ur candy
please-please-pretty please-if i get old like
that-even though i might have good intentions
put many bullets in my head, thank you
as i kid i thought it was odd
and we all made fun of him
but as you get older you might say
gee-he might have been just a lonely old man
who liked kids and train sets
i think that’s called perspective
now- i wish him well[ i think he's dead]
but in my younger years/ not so much
why is youth wasted on the young?
so wise so young, they say never do live long
we had a boy scout leader
a lil dweeb
who said he could beat all of us up with one
hand tied behind his back
so we tied his arms behind him
then threw a blanket over his head [which he wasn't suspecting]
and we all proceeded to kick the shit outta him
it was pretty funny
i have two merit badges
swimming- because if u went to
summer camp u couldn’t swim,without a swimming merit badge, and frankly-what’s the point
of going to summer camp if u can’t swim? might as well
stay home in the double-wide
and basket weaving! yes-they have [ or had] a merit badge for basket weaving
my friend taught the class
i basically just went to his class to hang out with him
i’m still-to this day-a tenderfoot
Ted Kennedy earned his swimming badge at Martha’s Vineyard.
the boy scout field manuil[manuel?]
is a great book-for survival stuff and shit
i know there’s probably a bunch of military people here [ God bless]
but as a humble jerk-face no account city dweller
i learned alot from that book
like the trick where if ur in the dessert and
don’t have no water-put a pebble or lil rock in ur mouth
cuz it will introduce saliva
i thought that was so cool
lawrence of arabia ain’t got nuttin on this tenderfoot
booyah!
when we were at camp
we shucked peanuts from their shells
and took the filmy part from the
peanuts-u know- that lil wispy covering
and we rolled em up and smoked them-because some hippie somewhere sometime said you could get high that way
i’ve never had a bigger head-ache in my life
fucking hippies-lying bastards
a rocky mountain high that was not
my red paperperson makes claims of boyhood.
…
i remain skeptical.
…
milk, please.
my red haired paper boy had a nasty disposition and i’m
sure he hated delivering papers and work
in general and i hope he doesn’t torture cats
and later on we find many bodies in his basement
but if i had to bet the vegas line about him turning into a serial killer
it would be 50-50
[damn-i hated that kid]
i don’t like hate because it’s a waste but
i hate getting up a 5 am in febuary in new england
to shovel your car out cuz u gotta go to work and last night there was a big snowstorm
yup- i think i’m comfortable saying i hate that
and i’m not to pleased with pauly shore or gilbert gottfried
hate is such a strong word..
do i hate lima beans, no- i just refuse to eat them
do i hate men who wear mullets?-no- i just ridicule them
do i hate the yankees-no-they’re pretty good even though they’re a much money franchise and our ‘arch’ rivals’
do i hate to debate?-fuck off
i’d say to my iron lung girlfriend
on many occasions
‘yes- honey- i really want you to walk again’ and then mutter under my breath as i was leaving the room
walk to the store and buy me groceries
walk to the washing machine and do my laundry
walk to the sink and do the dishes
as i’ve uttered many time before
bjork invented clown shoes
to stamp out hunger
it’s good if ur a door to door salesman
and wear clown shoes
cuz after your first pitch and the people ain’t buying andtry
to slam the door in your face it’s easy
to stick ur clown shoe in the door
and continue ur selling points
[ that's a lil door to door salesman tip for y'all]
clown shoes suck if
u drive a standard car- cuz it’s sometimes hard to release the clutch
Miikka Kiprusoff skated
To the bench, joining
A slab of WestPhalian Shinken
On a Roggenbrot Roll
Pass the Senf, bitte
Dudes! This epic thread is rollin towards 1000…
All the crew gathered am stammtisch,
To quaff some Hacker-Pschorr,
As the feast on tasty Jagerschnitzel,
And generous amounts of spaetzle,
And strudels all the more…
highball it is, then.
…
our red headed parlor cars
once rode the route of the rockets
who are we?
sorry- i’ve told this stiry before but it’s funny
i worked for this prick who used to run my ass ragged when i came into work hungover and he’d say- man how do
u get so fucked up?
and i said-’come down my local bar-i’ll show you’
so he comes down one night- and i tell the barkeep
who was a friend of mine- we’re gonna do shots of
peppermint schnapps- make mine water
and i just kept buying this asshole shot after shot
after shot- all the while drinking water- when i left him there he had fallen off the barstool and was puking on himself
and i’d do it again-he was a real jerk
he was in his 40′s and thought he was a ‘playa’ and
when we went thru drive thru restaurants he’d always try to pick up lil 16 year old girls
with his bull-shit
a despicable character
plus he was an ugly old dude
tall-lanky-all elbows-balding
a real douche-bag
we wuz in construction- but he had these business cards made up he used to show me
they said WORLD ENTRIPRISE INC. on them
and one time he asked me to help him move a couch
to his apartment [ believe me- i loathed this guy]
so when we get to his place-
it’s just a shitty lil one bedroom apartment
with a big desk and a telephone on it and his
business cards
so i started cracking up – ‘ this is World Entriprises?’
i ridiculed him for days after that! world entriprises indeed
bullshit artist
plus he was an ugly old dude
tall-lanky-all elbows-balding
a real douche-bag
…
gordie howe!
i had two friends visit me in san diego – we wuz like 20 yrs old
and they wanted to go to the ‘whiskey-a -go-go’
and disneyland so i said -take my car- i gotta stick around and go to work but the couldn’t drive a stick shift- and none of us had credit cards so we went to this pkace called ‘rent-a-wreck’ and next door was a biker bar- so i tell my friends-wait in there while i go get u a car- this is like at 10.30 in the morning
and when i meet up with them again-they said
u know what the biker in the bar said to me?
so i say no,what
the only thing i’ve done this morning is my old lady
they got a kick out of that
no- gordie howe was a tough guy
this dude was a stone cold pussy
think- a skinny big bird
i’ll give u his name cuz maybe we could find him on the
internets and harass him because that would be fun
[mark hamilton-last known address-oceanside calif]
i met some good people in cali
my best friend was a vietnam vet who loved to party
cuz he drove one of them apocalypse now boats up the river
and got shot out of it and was missing part of his leg and he told me he was laying in the jungle all twisted up and it was at night and i guess they never do night rescues but they rescued him so his
philosophy was-every day i’m above ground is a party
they used to give him 200 percosets a month from the va
and sometimes he’d pass them out to people when we wuz rolling
and i’d be like-dale-don’t be passing out ur meds to these strangers
aw-fuck it he’d say
so when he ran out before the end of the month and started sweating-jonesing
me and his girl always saved some of his largesse
and he’d be all twisty on the couch and i’d pull
a percoset out of my pocket and say=dale
who’s ur buddy?
who’s ur buddy?
first time i seen him was at the coaster saloon in san diego
sitting on the veranda
and next door was a convenience store
and this two cute chicks pull up in a convertible to go in
the convenience store so he’s all like- hey baby-want to come in and have a drink?
and they go-fuck off
so while they’re in the convenience store a beer delivery truck comes and blocks the convertible in- and when they come out of the store and are pissed cuz they can’t go anywhere he goes- ha ha- i wouldn’t want to have a drink with u now-ha ha/ totally rubbing their faces in it
i told this story before-and i’m gonna tell it again
we both had the same birthdays-get out
and both our mothers names was shirley- so he goes
u want to meet my mom and i’m like-yeah i guess
so we go to his cabin-a tiny place-one bedroom beach cabin and i hear him in the other room rustling around and i’m thinking
he lives here with his mom?- something didn’t smell right
so he comes out of the bedroom and throws me a mayonaisse jar -just a plain old glass mayonaisse jar with his mothers creamated remains in it
meet shirley
the dude was gone baby gone!
a great great guy
he came to boston to hang with me and my sisters
and to follow keith richards first solo tour up
and down the east coast-so we go to the combat zone in boston
which was where all the strip clubs and hookers were
and he gets lost
so me and my sis are furiosly scouring the neighborhood for him- cuz he had like 3000 dollars on him
and he pulls up in a cab with four black hookers and i’m all- get outta the car-get outta the car
and i ask him- u still got ur 3 grand on u? and he replies all calm
dude-i’ve been in saigon
i got sister stories- oh man have i got sister stories
well, cry me a river.
halloween update’three iron mans
two darth vaders
one turtle ninja,one dorothy from wiz of oz
and this cutest kid with like a duck bill
over his head and he could hardly stand up
and he must of been 3 or 4 [/]
he was a young ‘en
and his mother had him by the hand and he said ‘trick or treat’ he was the winner
i wish i gave out more candy- like i shold have said
take a handful-i had the candy in baskets
but i didn’t want to run out and now
i got a shit-load of candy left and though i like a sweet treat everyonce in a while-eh
i predict they will get eventually eaten
left my lights on til 10-pm hoping some teen-age stragglers would have come by cuz i would have given
them a boatload of candy.. but that didn’t happen
damn teenagers!
been reading comments from people and in my sherlock
holmes way i can see there are a lot of military people on here/this site and i just want to say thank you-take care
a story- right after 9 11 i went down to the national guard
recruitment center to see what i could do/ enlist
and i’m around 45-10- 20 lbs overweight
and the guy/ recruiter just laughed at me
cuz i was so gung-ho
telling him- give me the keys to one of them gas-tankers-i’ll ride it from bagdad to basra with
a pit stop in fallugeh[sp] he just cracked up
and said- you got any kids?
and i’m all like-sadly no-but fuck them terrorists
well- i didn’t get to be on the team but i am
in heart and my prayers
keep wiping them bastards out!
lea thompson slash
howard the duck costume teams
tugged heartstrings here, too.
bjork in a swan dress
on a red carpet somewhere
resonates with me
but we all know my feelings toward
the ‘lil’ freak show
i saw a video one time where a reporter
accosted her in an airport as she was
toodling along with some rolling luggage and
she had enuff shit from the reporter and just
dropped her luggage and started to beat the
shit outta the reporter
exterminate! exterminate! exterminate!
just riffing
i came back from work one lunchtime
and there was this black apprentice named ‘bug-man’
which was his nick-name- and he was on this 40 foot high ladder doing some shit work in this room,
so i light a joint and exhale upwards to him/ and in about five seconds he smells it
and looks down at me
“are you smoking reefer?’ he says..
and i slowly put it out and laugh
“hey bug-man-who’s gonna get blamed- me or the black man?” cuz of the reefer smell-it lingers
and i was laughing all the way down the hallway as i left and i could hear him swearing at me
upon reading this-it’s sounds like i’m a big-asshole
but i like to think of it as busting balls
that’s what guys do to each other on construction sites
don’t worry about bug-man- he could handle himself
bug-man used to sneak out early all the time
for lunch/ or at the end of the day
so my boss goes-’that damn bug-man-i know he’s sneaking out-
and i’m gonna catch him!’ he never did
so one day i say to bug-man-show me ur super secret way of
leaving the job early
nope- he’d say-figure it out for yourself
and he never told me
that was pretty good job-it’s the people u work with that makes it-my boss was a funny guy and on friday
we’d go to the bar-he was already there
so me and my friend go and i squeeze into this parking space-took me like 6 turns of the wheel to fit in there
and there was maybe an inch between my front bumpers
and the car in front, and an inch between my back bumper and the car in back- so i says to my co-worker-watch!
so we go in the bar and it’s only a half’n'hour but i knew my boss was gonna stay there at least ten minutes later
so at like 12;25 i says-gary
what he says- and i threw him my keys
can u drive my car back? i want to be back on time
ok – he says [ it was gonna take him at least 15 min to get the car out of that tight parking space]
so i go back to work laughing and finally he shows up and
throws me my keys- ‘where’d u park my car? [on site}’
fuck that-he says–ur cars still back at the bar
so i think i busted his balls/ but he busted mine
i miss that job [ obama i want a job!}
there were two sheetrock partners
‘big and bigger’ cuz one had a huge head and the other had an even huger head
so big was a scratch ticket lottery junkie and he never hit
so i told everybody one day-let’s all[ 20 guys] buy scratch tix this
weekend- and save your winners and bring them in monday
so we did- and big comes in and buys tix at coffee break and loses/ of course-/ but all thru the room someone would go- hey look- i got a winner
about half of us had winners [small change stuff]
and he went out at lunch and came back- and had a stack of losers
and someone would say-look-i got a winner!
we did that all day long!
and he was pissed!- it’s called busting balls
i don’t know how females are in work- but that’s how construction guys are- only if ur a nice guy and can take it
if ur too uptight we tend to leave ya alone
worked with a guy from maine and at coffee break he was telling how he was some high school wrestling champion
and one of my co-workers goes-’wrestling-what- u like grabbing sweaty mens bodies? what are you a fag?
and his face got all red, he stood up and threw his coffee
at the guy screaming ‘i’m not a fag, i’m not a fag’and stormed out of the room. needless to say- we left that guy alone
i think i will take post 600 to thank jeff cuz i think
he made this post with me in mind
he’s such a sweetheart!
i am not a fag!
You’re on the way to 1000 pdbuttons. And writing some interesting stuff along the way.
Carry on.
roses are red
violets are blue
the dems will be stomped
willie and nishi too
i had many nicknames for the people i work with
big and bigger [the huge head twins]
short arms-deep pockets [ cuz when it was his turn to buy a round he'd conveniently dissapear/go to the mens room]
but the best nicknames i ever gave out was to this family;
father and two sons, and they were all bald/balding
i used to call them ’100 watt, 40 watt, and porchlight’
oh- i forgot about ;two dogs fucking’
it’s an old indian joke-i’m sure u know it. so we’re working on this high-rise-and it stuck-’ hey, wheres two dogs?
‘has anybody seen two dogs?’
and i’m all like -i gave him that nickname
so years later i’m crossing the street and he beeps at me and says-wanna go have a beer? sure i say
so we get in the bar and he asks me ‘do you know my real name?’ and i reply ‘ you’ll always be two dogs fucking to me”[ his real name was phil]
i worked with a guy i called ‘smash and grab’because he got arrested for burglary once, and he had one of them high motor-mouths- always talking
and at 7 in the am he’d be talking and talking ,,,
and talking- the guy never shut up! and at 7 in the morning i don’t function too good so i’d say to him
‘did u forget to take ur shut-up pills this morning?”
worked with two guys who got in some macho pissing contest one time
they were all- ‘fuck u’- ‘no-fuck u’-no fuck u’back and forth-etc etc ad nauseum
so there was a supermarket next door and one of the
guys went and bought a fish and wired it to the guys muffler and said to me-”man, that guys car is gonna stink”
nicknames
i worked with an older guy [ this is constrution]
and he was,mmm,50′s-maybe 60
and he had jet black hair-so i knew he dyed it, and he wore cowboy boots and i used to call him
‘burt renyolds’
burt reynolds [sp]
we had all these old magazines up in the attic
and the local homeless shelter was looking for reading material/books. so my sister comes downstairs-makes quite an effort going up three flights/ lugging the books down-and she starts putting them in boxes
i go over to see what she’s doing/ checking it out and all the magazines are ‘architectual digest’
and ‘homes and gardens’. so i say to my sis
wtf- u can’t be giving homeless people ‘homes and gardens’- and now it’s a joke between us- when we see a bum/hobo-homeless person on the street we look
at each other and say ‘homeless and gardenless’
i worked in a pizza shop one time when i was 16
and every friday night we’d put booze in the ice cooler and smoke a lil hash-so one time this lady comes in and says ‘i’m here to pick up a pizza for sullivan’
so i turn to my partner and say ‘pick-up for sullivan’[and we’re all half-lit up
and he can’t find the appropriate box ‘sullivan’
so he opens the pizza oven and his jaw just dropped
and he takes the long arm pizza stick and fishes a pizza out that was burnt to a crisp and the size of a hockey puck and we both started laughing- tears coming down our face laughing
i mean really laughing
and i turned to the lady with tears in my eyes and told her – ‘it might be a few minutes’
and she stormed out with the echos of our laughter in her ears
me and my team of mental doctors had a breakthrough !
my birth sign is leo and i
loves me some male lions cuz they got the hair baby hair! but i’m really scared of female lions cuz they would fuck u up big time-big big big time
so they asked me if i had any homo-leanings? as
they sucked on their pipes all a pondering..
and i said- no- maybe -yes-no..
but i really identify with giraffes..
cuz they’re breath taller air and nibble on
trees/ something you’ll never know about
if u go to san diego-go to the zoo-[the best!]
cuz when u see the giraffes
it will make u happy
cuz when/i mean how it’s set up is ur walking along the path… seeing- i dunno-praire dogs or something
and ur following the zoo path and there are rocks on ur right and ur strolling..and as u pass them rocks on ur right..u come upon 12 giraffes-just standing there-close up
congrats san diego zoo! nice lay-out!
my first date ever
i took her to see the movie ‘shark’
starring burt reynolds
and she wore a damp sweater
isn’t it funny how u remember things?
it was at the local movie theater in wollaston ma
called the wolly theater
and they were gonna shut up shop-close down-outta business. the last movie they showed was that led zeppelin movie-the song remains the same..
bad move on their part
we all showed up with cases of beer and hard liquor
and went into the theater knowing it was the last night
throwing beers at the screen/ ripping up seats
and generally just being punks
it was fun!
my dad took me to see that movie
‘tora,tora,tora,’ there but my dad
wasn’t a take ur kid to the movie type of dad
my mom made him take me
i wonder if my mom was having an affair?
wollaston mass. is/was/is a lil community center
y’know-barbershop-deli-chinese food-pizza place
nail salon-dunkin donuts etc etc
not a strip mall-but like a strip mall
two intersecting main streets…
just your local business community thang
and they used to have a flat foot cop
called “spanky” and he used to beat
us lil whippersnappers if we wuz hanging out
up to no good-like tribes of lil kids do
he would really realy beat us with a club
no shit
i wish i was a kid today and got beat by spanky
cuz i’d have it on cell phone camera and i
would sue
there was a retarded guy named ‘mike the winger’
and he used to throw lps-records-and you’d hand him a record album
and he would ‘huck-em’ or wing them off into the distance
and you could say-hey mike-whatcya think of the beatles
‘huck em’ he’d say
peter paul and mary?
‘huck em’
guy lombardo?
huck em
it was quite entertaining for a young kid i tell ya
mike the winger!
there was a local basketball court where we would hang sometimes
and this guy ‘smiling pete’ ,who had got in a bad car accident years ago and couldn’t walk too good
would show up with a case of beer under his arm with his
dog-an old dog who would shuffle beside him and
‘smiling pete’ would open a beer, start drinking it
then pour some on the sidewalk/ground
and the dog would lap it up. they were drinking buddies
he’d do that all day long and then shuffle off
i never did get the name of the dog though
how come hobos can always catch trains and ride the rails?
cuz when i see trains coming they’re always going a thousand miles an hour and i take a step back
my favorite train scenes
north by northwest
any train scene in it from the tv show ‘ the wild wild west’
that featured artemus gordon
mission impossalble one
bad day at black rock
the good the bad and the ugly
gee- i could go on and on
whodda thunk trains were so Americany?
nazi trains that took jews ain’t so cool/happy though
boo! bad trains…boo!
in work one time my boss said-u got to go over to newbury street and do a job-take richie with you
and ritchie was from some bumfuck town in new hampshire and had never taking the train before and was all giddy
‘i’ve never taken the train before!’ he was all excited
so i had to tell him a few inner city train riding rules
no. 1-be aggressive-walk with a purpose-people will get out of your way
no.2 watch ur wallett
no.3-don’t smile at anybody-it’s a sign of weakness
no.4-don’t even think of talking to anyone-they’ll think ur queer or homeless and might stab u
it’s a jungle out there!
if u’ve ever seen that movie ‘good will hunting’
and the train he was on
well, thats the red line and thats my train
just if-in your mind-u want to bond with me
train story
i was waiting to meet a friend in downtown boston
inside the train station
and there was a dunkin’ donuts kiosk-not very big there
and as trains arrived every 15/ 20 minutes or so
the people would get off the trains and swarm the dunkin’ donuts
40 or 50 people at a time..
and as the last customer got his coffee, another train would come roaring in, and the process would repeat itself and i thought to myself- working in that dunkin’ donuts must really,really suck
pd butthead playing by his self
and this lil piggy went whee whee whee
all the way home!
put one in the chamber for me
that train station needs a krispy kreme
combustion
…
spliff.
I read every one
i think the homeless guys would have preferred “good housekeeping”
chronic
…
funga din.
train songs
mystery train
train kept a rollin[ by the burnette trio-or the yardbirds-fuck aerosmith]
it takes a lot to laugh,but a train to cry-[ dylan]
my dad never drank but his sister was an alcholic and he took the family out for dinner and had three or four beers
and suddenly-buzzed-he got up and started doing the ‘twist’
i will never forget it
never-nope- not in a million years
he was in the roofers union-and one year i was laid off and he was a foreman-so he hired me in the dead of winter-in beantown
and i didn’t know anything about roofing[ well-maybe a lil]
and everymorning at quarter to nine he’ say- ‘hey rookie- want to have some breakfast?’
and i always did.. the other roofers were pissed at me
and my dad said-”don’t call me dad on the job-call me bill’
and after about a month everybody found out i was his kid
and this black lesbian roofer came up to me-waving her finger at me-cuz i was a useless roofer
and said ‘ i knew there was something fishy about u!’
yup- something fishy indeed!
dads are cool!
we travelled cross country once, to san diego
and in arkansas a truck got right up our ass at 3 in the morning [ we had mass.liscence plates]
so my dad slowed down-bitctching-this guys up my ass!
so the pick-up truck passed us.. and my dad put the high beams on and rode his bumper..
but the dude had a gun rack in his window
so i said to my dad- i think u should slow down
and he looked at me and said..
is there a waffle house in this neighborhood?
good call-dad
a very good call!
my friend was having a birthday party for hisself
so my dropped me off there and i introduced my dad to
my friend, and my dad shook his hand and said’so, ur having a birthday party for urself?’
totally nailed him
then jumped back in the car and took off..
my friend didn’t know what to think!
one of my cousins in san diego was a successful-very succsessful bizness guy
and he had us over for dinner-
and served us hot-dogs
and all my dad could say about that dinner was ‘hot-dogs? fuckin hot dogs?’
Maybe they were gourmet hot dogs.
are you saying
youd’ve been satisfied
had mister very-very
served you hot-dogs
sand dabs instead?
no- but he grew up my dad and always had an arrogant air about him, sorta like- i’m a successful millionare business owner and ur just a roofer..
u come over our house-u’d get ny strip sirloins and shrimp
guarenteed
we had boat and, we only did this once
but my dad had scuba gear and he would go down and take lobsters from peoples lobster pots-
and i’d be his ‘look-out’
cuz he used to say ‘u know ,i could get shot for this”
maritime law or something
i knew it was wrong…
but my dad loved lobsters
kinda thrilling, in an outlaw way
we used to out fishing in boston harbor
and as an 11 year old kid- after a half-hour of boredom- i’d say- can we go home now?
and he’d say ‘fuck no- we’re fishing!’
so i’d just take the radio and curl up in the back of the boat-on a sunday- and listen to casey kasems top 40
thinking- fishing sucks!
but now that i’m older and wiser and am i’m allowed to drink- i think
gee- fishing ain’t so bad!
we used to have a boss from some in the country town
in n.h., who was an avid hunter
and we had a fifteen minute break at nine a.m.
and just as coffee break was almost over we’d start talking about hunting with him..
and he’d talk about hunting for another 15 minutes, all excited- and we’d pretend to be interested- but we always got another 15 minutes added on to our coffee break
we played that guy like a fiddle!
he used to commute with two other guys
and we used to call them the ‘bag’ triplets
‘ball-bag-douche-bag and garbage-bag’
Larry, his brother Darryl, and his other brother Darryl?
no-eddie-richie and ray
nice guys
they had a 2 hour commute!
but, u want to make the big union corn and live
in the wilderness-i guess thats what u gotta do
eddie was the boss-and one of his ‘tricks’ was to come down the stairway and throw an 100 ft extension cord
out on the floor..and then roll it up- checking to see if u was working-spying on u
ray was the best- we was working at mass general hospital
and we both smoke cigarettes- and u cant smoke in hospitals- so he says to me
‘no smoking here, ya know”
‘ yup- i know…”
then i smell cigarette smoke, and looked down and he’s got a butt cupped in his hand, and he smiled at me and said
‘the only two pricks u gotta look out for-is that guy, and that guy’
two general contractor supervisors
i always like ray from that day forward, richie was ok
eddie was kind of a jerk, but he was the boss, and i guess u gotta have a lil jerk in u to be the boss
my favorite boss was j-adams, still one of my best friends…
so another friend co-worker calls me up’did u hear what happened to j adams
“no- what?”
” u didn’t hear what happened to j adams!”
now i’m getting worried, thinking he died or something,
“no, what?”
he hit a scratch ticket for a million dollars
couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy!
so i call him up and say-” congatilations! u hit it for a million bucks!’
and he says- ” it’s only a million when u scracth it- then they tax u”
i think he got 650,000 take home
him and barry / my other best friend, married twins
but barrys wife couldn’t have kids-something about her plumbing
so j-adams twin wife got pregnant-[ i don't know the details]
by barry and had a kid for barry
i just think thats a cool story
j.adams had a party one summer…mmm 30 yrs ago [i'm getting old!]
and we wuz just sipping drinking all day…
and there were parents with their kids there , and i was playing with them-throwing joint compound buckets filled wit water at them- he had a pool..
so at seven or 8 at night-everybody was leaving…
i’m staying over- 2 f.u. to drive..
and we’re on his porch-waving good-bye to all his
guests and shit..
and one of them lil bastards {serge!] come up from behind me and pulls my bathing suit down..
and i didn’t immediatly reach down and pull up my
shorts- i just kept waving good-bye to all the guests
with not a care in the world…with my wet drawers around my ankles…smiling! “bye-bye”
and he always remembers that time? ‘ Hey-pittsy- u remember that time..”
and he laughs and laughs!
we went out golfing once- and i live next to a golf-course- but i told him i never golfed before
so after work-he said-we’ll go by ur house-pick up a change of clothes-and u can stay over my place t-nite..
sure-sounds good-
so we get to my house and he looks over to my next door yard, and says-
what’s that?
oh, i reply-it’s a golf course…
so all the way to the golf-course- he kept saying
‘ur a ringer-ur a ringer”
but after one shot- he was like-damn u suck!
yup-/ but my saving grace was everyshot- i mean everyshot! i used a tee!
and he’d say- u can’t do that!
and i’d say- i paid my money just like u- i want to see the ball go up in the air!
this ain’t bowling- is it?
[i'm running out of stories]
and i’m running out of shoes.
old demon alchohol,
sad memories i can’t recall
when i make my mix cd’s for my buds or buddettes
i always throe in obscure kinks song
low budget-apeman-and something from schoolboys in disgrace
either “the hard way’ ,or jack the idiot dunce”
and my friends always thank me
and i say back,you’re welcome
can i ask a semi-seriuos question here? i go over to the blog
just one minute-and everybodies going LUN_LUN_LUN
and i haven’t a clue what that means-not a clue
just like when i first came on here/ this site
and everyone was [well-to be fair, not everyone]
was calling me ‘nishi-and ‘zonoes
and i asked, in all earnestness
“what’s a nishi? what’s a zonoes?
and peeps who didn’t know me would reply- u are!
but- someone finally explained it to me..
and i laughed! anyway- thanks for letting me in your internet community
i’m harmless
my favorite t-shirt was..
on the front of it it had a pocket[for my smokes]
and right under it was a pistol/ a 45- i think-with the name of the rock band [tool?]
and on the back of it was a pix-a big pix of a bag lady with an ak-47
with the words- “arms for the homeless”
and everytime i got picked for jury duty..
i was the first one to get dismissed..
sure- i can’t maybe spell so good, and might go off on tangents-and u may have one of them fancy cow college degrees framed on ur wall..
but i bow down to no man when it gets to getting out of jury duty…
like-to save my soul- and i had to deal with the devil..
and he told me i had my choice of weapons…
any, that i could make the bet, lay the playing field
i would say..”whoever gets out of jury duty first”
i’d kick his ass everytime
my sister was on some jury, some grisly shotgun murder trial
and she was all happy-taking it really serious..
but i guess after a week she was such a pain in the
ass, asking questions-nit-picking-maybe looking like she was having the time of her life
that the other jury members went to the judge , and
i guess he kicked her off
she’s still pissed about it
see what happens when u watch too many perry mason t.v. shows in ur formative youth
it warps ur brain
7 comments in a row!
i get a mickey mantle!
hawaii five-o ruled
book ‘em, danno!
my favorite all time actor was
‘zulu-as-kono’
of course he was no chin-ho-kelly..
but really,who is?
danno had feminine air about him and always deferred to steve..
made me uncomfortable for some reason..
i want my detectives tough!
like-brian dennehy or something
or cagney and lacey
herman wedemeyer as duke lukela wasn’t bad either
william smith as kimo carew in the last season was a nice replacement for danno
and who can forget khigh dheigh as wo fat? best villain ever!
my fave p.i. or detectives in no particular order
jack nicholson in chinatown
colombo
shelly hack-from charlies angels
humprhey bogart-maltese falcon
my mom-she could always find my stash[uncanny]
whats a LUN? u know mike snapper?
no- the love boat fag guy-?
chicken fat?-he was the skipper on the love boat..
it’s on the tip of my tounge..
but i don’t want him anywhere near/ the tip of my tounge..
what was his name?
i bow down to ur superior knowledge of hawaii 5-0
u rule!
I think they were referring to Logic Unit Number masking; they were probably accusing you of hiding under an IP mask like RD/meya does here.
That’s just a guess as to what they might have meant – I don’t know that for a fact.
ur too kind!
true story..
when people played/ or looked up on the internets the whole 6 kevin bacon degrees of separation..
to find out the actor who was ‘most’ connected to other actors-
the winner was- Rod Steiger!
he’s awesome!- i just watched Oklahoma last night- he’s jud
chicks and geese and ducks better hurry
when i take u out on the surrey..
oh, what a beautiful morning-indeed..
what does LUN mean?
ooh- i just got comment 666
the Rod Steiger comment!
This is the best definition of LUN that I can find.
LUN- hell- i should just go on and ask them
a commentator on here named rob crawford is on there/ i should ask him
ok- i kinda get it now- they don’t mean it in a technical sense-but more like a “u are logical’
if u think that the biggest weirdo, or some of the..i shouldn’t say weird/ strange-maybe people
are the ones in the summer who have them ‘middle-age’ fairs.. dress up/joust/wenches and shit.. so u go there thinking
“gee- these people are weird[who am i to judge?]
but when u get there u see 4 0r five people dressed up in ‘star-trek’ uniforms..
pretending that they were beamed back to the middle ages..now that’s just so cool!
everyyear my union[painters union-dc 35]
has this safety award banquet housed in this big convention center-to give out..mmm-t-shirts/boots-radios/lots of shit
and we all show up early-6-7-8 in the morning and we
set up tents-not the union-just us grunts
and we have a big barbeque in the parking lot and drink heavily- see some great people we haven’t seen in a year-catch-up and shit
so the center is divided up into two halfs..
and on year they had this ‘super-hero’ comic book convention booked next to us..
and all these ‘super-heros’ would pass us by as they walked into their half-all dressed in costumes
and we wuz half lit
and we’d say-as they passed by- “hey Batman- better go to the gym”
or
i just had an evil burgher-wonder woman..can u save me?
they all laughed..they were nice
advance to Go-collect 200 dollars
Bank error in ur favor-[75$]
Doctors fees-pay 50$
Get Out Of Jail Free Card![ this card may be kept until needed,or sold}
Go to jail- go directly to jail, do not pass Go-do not collect 200 hundred dollars
You are assessed a fee for street repairs-40$ a house/ 115$ a hotel
i personally think it was proffesor plum in the study with a candlestick..
but he got off cuz of the eye witness testimony from Colonel Mustard.[ that lying bastard! did u know he massacared women and children in the Boer war?]
well, he testified thathe saw Miss Scarlett do it in
the kitchen-with a smile,a wink, a nod-and an ice
[lying bastard] i think he was just jealous
Free Proffessor Plum!
people-innocent people die on death row everyday, ya’know
oops- other way around-Colonel Mustards Testimony helped convict Proffessor Plum
and free Miss Scarlett {i got the vapors!]
and it’s time- once again- that i see that the big hand on the clock-is about to reach..it.s natural arresting place, and as the cuckoo clocks reminds us again..that another day- has come to pass..
sweet dreams of u/ sayeth the patsy-of the cline
LUN = ?????????????????
You still with us, pd?
pdbuttons died today! he had to go thru some pain in the ass registration procedure and they gave him a 14 long letter password and when he tried to register it wouldn’t kick in-and he’s a retard-computer and otherwise-and when he tried to get a new password the process kept frustating him to the point where he just open up the window-wrapped an american flag around him and jumped to his death-even though he lived on the first floor/ he was a fragile dude..
i’m his twin brother..pd croutons/ or as my mom used to say-the ‘crazy one’
The King Is Dead!,All Hail the King!
i come here not shit on pdbuttons,but to praise him!
plus-i’ll get extra vittles at supper
Long live pd!
nice to meet you Mr. croutons
Godspeed, peedee.
Long live PW.
HA HA !-i’m alive! screw u word press-that what don’t kill me only makes me stronger!
question-now that i’m logged in/ do i have to do it everytime-with the fourteen letter/number-pain in the ass code-password i mean-cuz if i gotta do that-it would suck and i’d like to change my password to this site-but if i’m in as is and don’t gotta change it-screw it-i’ll just let it be
i’m not loggin out until some comes by and tells me
….honey-put on another cup of coffee, this is gonna be a long night
BOOBY ORR (ha-just wanted to say that )
PD has survived!
To change your password, click on your name just above the comment box – where it says “Logged in as” – and then you will have the option to change your password listed at the bottom of the page.
thanks mike- i’m not too good with the computer-we shall see-it took me a couple of days farting around trying to get back here-i’m sure the i.q. of this place shot up a couple hundred points. if anybodies offended by that pix i’l change it -i’m gonna change it anyway-that’ll be another project- i got a different one in mind- just gotta figure out how to download it- the pix i got i got from a friend who when he e-mailed it to me he said “hey- u want to see a pix of the cnn tower [in toronto i think]”
so i clicked it on and laughed- u can see the tower way in the distance behind her right shoulder
souffle!
…
what to do now?
wise-ass things i said to people who deserved it-1..
so i’m line at the bank-and it’s a long line that strectches to the door-and i’m trying to decide,should i stand outside the door,open the door and stand in the doorway and impede traffic?
no!-i decide to stand next to the last guy in line and when the line moves forward i’ll get behind him and things will be peachy-keen
well-some old tart comes in the bank and stands behind the guy…and i point out to her..i say “ummm,excuse me,there’s a line here”
she gets all atomic bitchy in my face “I am in line, I am in line” she starts with the intimidation..
she was on the downside of fifty-all tarted up with tons of make-up on trying to look purty-relevant
so i sigh…..and say “you’re right m’aam, age before beauty”– ha! you know that just bothered the shit outta her!….
wise-ass thingy 2
we had a guidance consuelor in high school who was also
vp principal and he was the dean of something/ anyway he was the one who handed out punishments to students and was drunk with power and basically an asshole
so one day he calls me in the guidance office and says we need a ‘serious’ talk
ok by me i say..
now,he says, what do you want to do with the rest of your life? have you given any serious thought about your future?
so i pause..hem and haw..
then a long pause.. and i say”well, when i grow up
i..i..i want to be a guidance consuelor!” and then i laughed and laughed!
meeting adjourned!
wise thingy 3
so in catholic church-ya gotta pick a confirmation name
it’s ritual they got when ur around 13-wheir u pick a confirmation name-and being a punk-ass teenager
i tell all my friends /i’m picking jesus
and they’re like-no way- u ain’t got the balls
oh- you’ll see… so the day before we had a rehearsal..and i’m snapping my gum..and as i kneel down before the priest ha says-what name have you chosen? and i reply all wise-ass, snapping my gum
‘ i pick jesus’
well- the priest had one of them pasty white irish
karl rove potato heads that give good shade..
and speaking of shade! his face went from pasty white to outraged lobster red in about ten seconds and i knew i had made a mistake… he was boiling mad..
and thru gritted teeth he said ” the proper pronunciation is je-sus, and if i ever see you chewing gum again in church there will be consequences!
needless to say i pussed out when the real deal came about-chose michael…he wasn’t a bad priest i guess..
not like that asshole with a folk guitar-always trying to get us to sing! now that is hell
i’m getting to a thousand with or without ur help
Since you’ve passed four to the fourth ages ago, I suggest you aim for 1,024 pd. Just because.
Dude! You haven’t broken 700 yet?!?
I took Peter as my confirmation name. Make of it what you will…
okay-i got two recruits-sdferr and bob reed–
just follow me boys-we’re gonna make it/ if it’s
the last thing i do. gotta warn ya-it’s not gonna be pretty-could get silly-pretty silly
once more upon the breach,dear friends,once more
here’s a video where you get to stare at Christoper Ecclestone’s face for what seems like forever and then he stares back at you and then at some point it’s over and you can go about your day again
We got your back buttons. Or front. or, geez that’s an interesting tower there . . .
there is a red arrow above her shoulder pointing to the tower- i gotta get some pix-where are good pic getting sites?-or i could just google-shit like [zulu-as-kona]
the actor on hawaii 5-0-or ‘the hindenburg’
cuz i’m into diversity and shit
i wanna find some cool artsy pics- like the ones that
were on that blog[ i think it no longer exsists]
all things beautiful-if anyone remembers that one
that had some way cool pictures on it
I remem
i think the girl in my picture should be the ‘next food network star’ and they should give her her own show and
a ‘line’ of marketable products to sell
cuz i’d buy them all-especially the action figure!
i think it would stir the economy!but-hey-even if it might not ain’t be the bestest idea/ so what?
but i tell you, i ain’t calling the white house again. not after last time-cuz i had lotsa nasty suits visiting my house asking…frankly what i consider very personal questions..
and the ‘cavity’ search! unh unh-not going thru that again-no way -no how
Cle Boooo
Cin Booooooo
Jacksonville is to the AFC what Chicago is to the NFC. Really, this team just keeps pulling stuff out of their bungholes.
Tenn looks like they’d be pleased to hand the game to the Skins today.
But will the Skins refuse? We will see.
Game accepted. Thankyou Tenn.
Tenn Boooooooooooooo
Aim high.
The longest thread I know of was the “Palin says Obama ‘palling around’ with terrorists” from Oct 2008. It went past 1500.
When I pull it up now it says 1575 but I remember it as 1517. Comment spam maybe adding to it now. I can’t tell as I can’t get the whole thing to load and get cut off at #659.
ok-geoffb’s on the team. and happyfeet,who is my lil’ yellow wing man-and i don’t mean the guy at the chinese restaurant that i get my chicken wings from, cuz that would be rascist and cause much discomfort. cuz hf is my wingman cuz when i first came on this site, all confused and insecure, wondering if i was in the ‘right’ place-happyfeet was all f*** it, stick around…i remember shit like that. so if u need another grievance-put down the only reason pd is on
this site is cuz of happyfeet-and curse the heavens [ if ur into drams}
i dunno about that JeffG. guy though- i hear internets rumours that “he doesn’t play well with others”
none of my business, i mean, it’s his ball and he can take it home anytime he likes-and then where would we be? somewhere with the yelvertons of the world and no thank you m’aam but i say we give him a shot!
we need a point man- every vietnam happy fun fun hike
needs a tunnel rat
ok team- i’ve come up with a “JEFF G.” plan that i think will allow us to complete our goals and hopefully will keep the bitchin’ down to a minimum. first-we keep one eye on a thousand, and one eye on this JEFF G. character and we never ever ever leave him alone or go get the coffee cuz he might piss in it or put a date rape drug in it or…use your imagination..heavens to murgatroid!
people,people,people-i need some production here
these comments aren’t gonna write themselves!
stories-jokes-riddles-fractured fairy tales,fables
recipes-confessions-we’ll take anything at this point
remember-leave your dignity at the door, and never let the truth get in the way of a good story
recipe-pork chops and brown gravy
shake’nbake [thank u shake weight!]
shake n bake some pork cutlets
put them in a deep casserole dish-cover them in gravy-i mean cover them-gravy is the key
seperately cook some frozen french fries on a baking sheet- then at the end throw the fries on top
of the porky cutlets-then serve
the key to the recipe is keeping the fries from the gravy til the end-cuz you don’t want soggy,limp fries
and the gravy-mmmmm-gravy [lots]
recipe-steak and cheese [white cheese]sub with mushrooms-you’ll need a phone
617-479 310*
pick-up or delivery
hello-SUPERCHEF-delivery please..
phone number?
617 773 ****
address?
114 SO.******* ave
what’s your order?
steak cheese w/mushrooms/ lil mayonaisse on the bread-salt n pepper-that’s it
20 minutes- $7.80
thank you SUPERCHEF
If pw is a Vietnam happy fun hike, is this the demilitarized zone?
I had dignity? There’s a door?
Nobody tells me anything.
we lived next to a golf-course-and teenagers used to drink there on weekend nights
so one weekend they start throwing rocks at the house
so my dad goes down to the cellar and comes up with
a 3-wood and a baseball bat and says
‘let’s teach those lil fuck**s a lesson”
so here are the combatants
30 or 40 drunk teenagers armed with rocks
dad-6-1-roofer-armed with a 3-wood
me-5 11-kinda muscular-baseball bat in hand
brother billy-6-5- 260 lbs
so we hop the fence and start walking up to their group, and they know somethings up so the start to walk away,slowly
we keep walking towards them,steadily
all of a sudden they break into “flee” mode and runaway-except for one kid! the ‘tough guy”
the ‘cool kid”- he’s just sauntering away
so we catch him,throw him down,ripped his t-shirt [gee-i hope it was his favorite t-shirt!]
and my dad kept giving him the finger-poke in the chest-screaming at him- trying to comminicate to him the folly of his ways
they never bothered us again
Mike laRoche-team member!
we’re not the dirty dozen-cuz we cain’t count that high
on account of God only giving me {counts silently, mouth moving 1…2…3..4..5} 5 fingers on each hand, and{counts silently,mouth moving, 1..2…3..4..5}
5 toes on each feets..so i can only count to ten
so we can never be the dirty dozen-unless someone has freak toes
oh-snap-i can count to [mouth silently moves]
20! whoo-hoo-i just had a ‘breakthrough!
i’m thinking ‘outside the box!” now
i tried to get into MIT- and i woulda got in, i think
but i kept refering to it as the university of TIM
and them lil poindexters are as cliquey as they come
and when i’d get all frustrated taliking to them i used to think..
i could take one of them pencils outta his top pocket and stab this guy in the eyeball..
i’m trying to write it out all in a’good-will hunting’
equation-y’know-the time it takes me to snatch a pen
the angle of my arm relative to your face, downward thrust..etc..etc
unfortunately i have run outta crayons and
coctail napkins- i’ll try to figure it out in my
head though- but my brain is ‘pay-go’ so i gotta dump
some stuff-
one hot summer day-my friend said come over the house after work [he had a pool] stay over and we’ll have a pool party. i lived in the opposite direction from
the job-so i said-let me stop and buy some clothes and i’ll meet you at your house. i stopped in one of them discount clothes stores [marshalls] and bought a t-shirt and some shorts-then i went over to the shoe section where they had a pair of ‘shaq’ basketball shoes-size 22, and the most godawful color-electric blue w/yellow mixed in. they were on the discount rack for a dollar. i asked the sales girl in line “are these a dollar? “-”yes she replied”
“i’m going to a cook-out and these will be a good joke”
“is it a big cook-out?” she asked
i paused, look her in the eye and said
“you mean ‘feet-wise?”
and everyone in line laughed out loud!
his teenage boy kept staring at me…with my size twenty-two electric blue shoes on my feet
and he kept saying ‘you are so cool! you are so Cool!”
over and over again, and i gotta tell ya-there’s nothing that kills a buzz more than a teenager telling you ‘how cool you are’.-so i said i’d give him the sneakers if he’d go get me a beer
deal/or no deal? [it was a deal]
jeff is a very,very smart man!
he’s given up a thread…and it’s like i’ve totally banned myself! so cool..not mucking up the works.
i’m outta the way-happy as bjork when she goes hiking
in them thar icelandic hills,yodeling
’tis like he’s playing spock 3D chess and i’m playing checkers! ’tis’ like he read that book
‘the art of breakfast” by that chinese warrior dude, sunny-d
thanks jeff!
dad story
my dads a roofer, a damn good one! [new england..brrrr!] and then he became an inspector for Tremco-which made rubber roofs and materials and shit
and they used to fly him across the country-to make sure that the contractors put the materials on as specified. anyway, he used to tell me when they’d put him up in fancy hotels he used to sit in the lobby and have himself paged as ‘Dr. Pit***”. and he used to sit there and laugh..
he even brought me into the ritz-carelton in boston and did it for me one time
it was hilarious!
my pop’s a hoofer
with the bumper sticker:
i break for alphabet soup.
they call me mister…
…
hoover.
my sister[16] had to babysit/mind me[8yr old] onetime. she didn’t
want to, she wanted to see her boyfriend instead.
she took me to the park. all of a sudden he pulls up in the car. he asks me if i want to play a game, a super spy game! yeah, i said-super spy game!
so he locked me in the trunk of his car for twenty minutes and him and my sis did things that teenagers do
then he bangs on the trunk-” you still in there?-don’t panic, you’re gonna run out air soon and i lost the keys, but the fire departments on their way”
so i start freaking, crying, banging on the trunk..
“get me outta here, i cry,plead, beg-i’m gonna die!
course he was just joking-he got me out
and every thanksgiving i tell the story to my sister and ask “do you remember?” and every year she says “no”
well, I REMEMBER!
You should have listened.
Seriously though, well I was serious in #71 but, I’ve bookmarked this thread and come here to see what new things you have put up. Then I re-save the whole page to my hard-drive. My thanks for your output.
J’ever use kickers and stompers buttons?
re-read #71
right on, right on, right on
the hunter gets captured by the game
didn’t understand the nuance of it at the time…
kinda like in a bob dylan song where somebody does somebody wrong, and is a total asshole and as you listen to the song-and realize he’s talking about you[me]
what are kickers and stompers? sounds like what skinheads wear on their feet
Kickers and stompers, standing seam roofing tools.
View from above
And side on.
And another source of a pic, click to enlarge.
And for those of ya who give a flip, the process in a pdf.
my grandma used to call me a ‘fart in a mitten’
was i was a little crabby grandkid and to this
day i don’t know what it means but i’m going to
ask the man who’s in charge in my afterlife
because i really want to get it settled
it bugs me!
amynda marcotte’s grandma probably called her mrs. potatohead on a hat rack
The “the cabbie promised me you people’d have a ‘The “this site definitely needs more caterwaul poetry” poem’ post comment.
Soufflé!”
cats wail and screech, but theres nothing like the sound
of an innocent baby-who you have given a paperclip to
ans unfurl the paper-clip so’s it got a nice ponty end
and then you point them to the outlets [ which you have
drawn bunny ears on] and coo sweetly ” feed the bunny..baby..feed the bunny”
hey- you gotta grow up sometime
waaaa!
my babysitting rates go way down if your kid is already in a coma and you have at least a six-pack of malt liquor in your fridge..[colt-45]
i denounce myself-kid jokes should be off limits
unless it’s about them creepy Palin kids because they suck
damn breeders
there you are happy thanksgiving
back at hf/ yes..yes..here i am..gathering strength
ignore me at your peril
why did the Palins cross the street?
to get their picture taken!
how many Palins does it take to change a light-bulb?
one-Todd..
but you’ll need a camera crew to ‘document’ it, and all that that entails [not to be confused with entrails]
ya’know-best boys-electricians-grips-wardrobe-script doctors-camera operators-sound technicians etc etc..
of course, if their is a power outage-we got Sarah’s halo to guide us..
i think i’ll tweet about it!
damn liberal media!
todd says,
“torch on,
you two.”
doggerel-light verse which is humorous and comic by nature
often viewed with disdain as containing little literary value..
i can do that [or try]
the cut rate candles from the cut rate candle store
only served to highlight
my dates mole
during our romantic dinner- i couldn’t eat the peas
i patted her the back of her head as she walked out
forever in blue jeans
as i had a heart to heart with my car mechanic girl
i stared at her dirty fingernails
realizing suddenly it was our anniversary
ten long minutes
your date works for wikileaks?
ago
spliff
Dude, either you’re very clever with the different sign ins and email addresses or you’re not the same dude.
Sorta thought you were.
This thread is almost as fun to read that the flat headed prison farm boy in a box one …
dance resume;
age 5- danced with jerrys kids on labor day under the
‘taps for tippy tots’ banner
age 7- broke my neighbors window with a rock,but i somehow managed to shuffle out of it
age 11-had my first drunk, followed by my first polka [or so they tell me]
age 12-24;entered bio-sphere two with my hippie parents-no dancing allowed in bio-sphere [ but i did the lambada-the forbidden dance when i was sure no one was looking]
age 25- almost 2 weeks of interpretive jazz dance/ lost my refund
age 30- tried to marry the hully-gully with the hokey-pokey , i don’t know what i was thinking,but that’s just it, i wasn’t thinking;something bad happened and i live with it everyday
present day- trying to make a comeback with riverdancing, but my arms get really tired
when you do the hokey-pokey and you turn yourself around, that’s what it’s all about!
and bobby orr!
december is the cruelest month
for that’s when my parents bought me
a yul brynner chia pet
and all my tears
couldn’t put humpty dumpty back together
all the wasted hours i spent, glueing strands of pasta
on his head, in a vain attempt to rasta him up
are gone,
the pasta didn’t stick, the hair brushes and combs i purchased are long gone, as is my innocence
i kept the hair dryer
i only program my microwave
with odd numbers
but if it don’t heat proper the first time
do i re-heat using odd numbers?
cuz two odd numbers add up even…
or do i break the rules i’ve set for myself
and program an even number so the total comes out odd?
i have a serious problem[s]
my around the anniversary of john lennons death
death joke
so you hear a john lennon song on the radio-and you know it’s john lennon,but you don’t let on..
and you ask your friend-” who’s singing this?
and he looks at you like your an idiot and says-
” that’s john lennon man”
so you pause, shake your head and say” somebody should shoot that guy”
just the fact that everytime i tell that joke, no one ever laughs but me..
they always look at me with disgust
that’s why i think it’s the funniest joke ever
happiness is a warm gun
bang bang,shoot shoot
John Lennon was overrated.
This may be the best thread evah.
What really strikes me about Lennon being shot was that I remember it very clearly, I heard about it at work, and that was 30 fucking years ago. I am old. Damn.
oh look- a non pd siting!
i’ll get you, and your pretty dog too!
get off my lawn!
just kidding- if this thread is gonna make a thousand
any input is appreciated
c’mon-say something stupid, i know ya wanna
notice how i misquoted the ‘Wizard of Oz’
so i could get another post out of it?
i’m sneaky like that..
I’ll get you,my pratty, and your little dog too!
veni,vedi,corrigenda
pretty [ ha!]
John Lennon was murdered by the Cuban-American Mafia and Stephen King!!!1!!1!!!!11
mike,read ur funny link’
i didn’t know jim croce was a subversive rock’n'roller?
who’s next? bread? seals and croft?
the one remaining mama and papa better watch his back
Don’t forget England Dan and John Ford Coley. Those guys made Jim Morrison look like Johnny Mathis!
Whoa! I wonder if they took out Andy Gibb too. He was a badass.
So was Barry Gibb, especially on his talk show.
the five crime families
cowsills
osmonds
DeFranco family
Dino,Desi and Billy
The Jacksons [they controlled everything north of 110th street]
Sorta thought you were.
The same, still am.
The Bears, still suck.
i seem to be somewhat of a hero to my neice..
she often asks me about the ‘ Up with People’
reign of terror..
and i refuse to talk about it..
but i think i slipped up one day and told her
i sat through an ‘Up with People’ half time show..at some football game a lifetime ago,
and survived. she looks at me with goo-goo eyes,
wanting to know every detail, all about the ‘long sing’
hell, i’m no hero. a lot of good men died that day…
c.c.
when you’re right, you write
and
when you write, you’re right
brady is on fire!/against the steelers/lions/jets
he is playing on another level
bears next[away] then packers..
i often think how lucky we are in boston, to have
good teams and stuff- i know the red sox pay for that privilege/ but we’ve had a pretty good run..
and/ cuz i got empathy
i often think of the kansas city royals, or the pittsburgh pirates- cuz they got way cool uniforms
and..poor bastards
it’s all bread and circuses to me..
i guess when u get older…
btw- the patriots got 5 of the first 32 picks in next years draft- and we got carolinas 2nd round pick [33]
just sayin
if nuttin
i’ve taught u maroons/slags
’tis after every three comments/ and there’s a pause- a time when…time is not..importante..
and you come upon..a commentator/poster buoy,seagull..
you say- bobby orr!
cuz if i burble three breathes..
and i’m checking out– i certainly[certs have retsin]
can’t say-bobby orr![i’ve seen people use bobby orr,it’s kind of..mmm-lexicon?-
no- it’s up to u cub scouts..
webelos/ to rub that vasiline on them electric pads..
and shout bobbgy orr,clear!
and bring the patient back to life
u can’t give yourself a nickname
so- to toot my own tuba..
i have given this site the gift of booby orr..
and.. as fredo says.. i’m smart! not dumb, like everybody says..
i’m smart..
and i won’t forget to put dead flowers on your
grave
and i want respect!
self pity got me laid once..
my ass hurts
bobby orr! ;)
luke scooooottttttttttt~!
luke[breathe]luke[breathe] luuuuke[breathe]
gerge c. scott..
rommel, u bastard, i read ur book!
but- if i may self pity
i did bring you bobby orr-i’ve seen it incorparated in different threads that i got nothing to do with
and someone said tommy herr/ which was funny
and then someone said, after 5 quotes/comments in a rowe..brooks robinson!
this is the best site! because of the commentators
just one minutes is cool;
patterico
ace of spades..
but protein wisdom….
it’s like when clark gable tries to kiss vivian leigh..
and she says-what about me?
well, what about you?
i gots the vapors everytime i come on this site..
well, fiddle-de-di
okay-storytime…
i went out drinking-but not alky pass out drinking
just..drinking
at the local bar..
and i was with the future mayor [william phelan/quincy mass.]
who was/ is a good friend of mine..
so we saunter in/ around 7 pm- just chillen..
and there is this girl at the end of the bar
talking deaf, ya know, her speech wasn’t proper..
she was banging her glass on the bar,and shouting
i neee[d] a..drin[k]..
i
ee[d]..a..drin{K{]..
bang bang on the counter..
I SAID…I nEE[d] A DRIN…{K]..
causing all commotion and shit…, so i turn to my friend and say..
what’s up with her?
and he says-she’s not deaf, she’s just fucking with the bartender..
so i’m all, damn- i gotta meet this girl!
and he says- she’s married..
why are all the good ones taken?
For those needing a closer look at the ‘buttons avatar, here.
jeez- i didn’t notice this before..
over her right shoulder is an arrow pointing to the cnn tower- which is the name of the photo..cnn tower
but over her left shoulder is a sign that-all i can make out is Money …
Money baby! Money!
wouldn’t it be cool if the cnn tower babe
somehow got wind of my using her picture
and she tracked me down thru the internet
and we met, and fell in love and got
married [well fed kids,well fed kids]
and we had a big wedding and i invited you all!
i know you’d come..
just to dance with the bride
question; when you sober up the next day
how long does it take u…timewise..to go
visit ur sloppy comments on protn wisdm?
45 minutes? 6 hours?…
2 ways
A-have four cups of coffee and a couple of cigarettes [ which i call/breakfast] and, when u think ur ready..
log on..or
B-wake up-drink heavily
i pick B..
im postponing the
day of reckoning..
shooting for 800 today
when i was younger,so much younger than today
i never needed help in anyway
but now those days are gone, i’m not so self-assured
now i find, i’ve changed my mind
i’ve opened up the door
my parents drummed into me
please, and thank you..
always always say
please..and thank you..
got me outta jams many times..
and politeness..well, i got
nothing but great things to say about politeness..
[dark note]
when somebody takes over ur kids mind and drums thoughts in their sponge brains
i just hope it’s -please-and-thank you
but the right wing fear machine says no!
what can a poor boy do?
play in a rock and roll band?
yeah-my name is called ‘disturbance’
it could be your ‘ring-tone’
if the coppers pull u over
and ur proper and got no worries
heres a tip
turn on your inside dome light
so when the cop approaches ur car he can see u
turn the car off/ put the keys on your dashboard
then put both of ur hands on the steering wheel
and always address the pig as
‘officer’ ‘yes officer, you’re right, officer,
i will get that fixed,officer..
if u got no worries and are polite like that
u can skate…
i will now begin the countdown to 800
by everypost i will sinc it up
with the big bad bruins 1970 stanley cup team..
and a story about them
we are at 16..
derek sanderson..
derek sanderson was the first rouge dude
had long hippie hair-anti-establishment…
his speciality was-face-offs and penalty killing
hard nosed punk- struck a chord with blue-collar inner city men..
and their daughters had his poster on their walls
win/win
he was so flamboyant, that a new league was born
thinking they could compete in hockey?
so- a new franchise signed him for 26 million dollars[ i think]
anyway-large,over the top salary..
then he did the whole drugs,groupies.fame thing
lost it all!
but the best derek sanderson story is the time…
he approaches a bum on a park bench, cuz the bum got a pint..
and he tries to rassle the pint from the bum..
saying-” do u know who i am?”
and the bum replies- “yeah, your a bum, just like me
there is no number fifteen..
but i got a good 14 story!
14- Ace Bailey, been around the league, third, fourth line center..
a handyman- could do many things passable..
but didn’t have a specialty..
i’m glad he drank outta the cup..
but..
after ending his career he became
director of scouting for the Los Angeles Kings..
Bailey was on flight 175
en route from Boston to L.A.
do i have to mention the date?
last night i said these words to my girl [e/g/a/b].
c’mon[c'mon]c’mon [c'mon]
c’mon[c'mon] c’mon [c'mon]
please please me, [yeah]like i please you..
800
congress fucked about, for two years..
doing there fuck fuck duties
fuckin around..for..
mmm- is an instant constant? all of a sudden, we must..blah blah..
didn’t i hear this about the stimulus bill?
the boy who cried-
“i’m broke-but you’re fucked”
who let the dogs out?
12
wayne cashman- wing on the famous esposito line
espo-hodge-cashman
the A line..
cashman was the mucker- the pit bull
would go into corners,muck about..then throw the puck in the front of thenet
and espo would score”
wayne cashman
9 goals/26 assists
+/– plus 22
Love love love #776.
I figure you got 3 slots available, so I’m not screwing up your countdown.
Looking forward to your homage to Bill Speer.
#11
wayne careleton- 22 goals,24 assists
a poor mans cashman-..
i’m kinda sorry i didn’t start the doomsday clock at 20
cuz 20 was dallas smith[what a name!]
who was..just a poor farmboy from the wheat fields
of manitoba..
mmm/ a poor boy from the wheat fields of manitoba
a poor boy, from the wheat fields, of…manitoba..
Manitoba, known for its wheat fields..produced a plucky hard nosed defenseman named Dallas Smith..
when asked about his calm demeanor,Dallas Smith credits his upbringing
amongst the wheat fields of Manitoba, for his proper perspective..
asked about the suspicious nature of his parents tragic farm machinerry deaths, dallas smith always says “next question”
#9
the chief! john bucyk! part indian
played on the second line with fred stansfield and jonny ‘pie’ mckenzie
a scorer! great shot, used to go up top alot..
43 goals/ 62 assists.
plus he was nice to fans, a pleasant person, always signing autographs,nodding at you when u see him on the street and got a big smile on ur face, but u don’t wanna bother him- but he takes that recognition
into his part indian soul, and then nods at you
brings it back home..to you..little fan…
wrapped in a corn husk..for u..little fan
#8
ken hodge..
yea, he was a scorer on the espo line.
but it always looked like he was a posour..
like he just got out of a tanning booth
and he had white teeth and said rote things..
my least favorite bruin..
he probably wore a pinky ring..
#7-phil espiosito
we all know his scoring records..
but what u don’t know is
he marketed these lil orange balls
phil esposito ‘street hockey’ balls
and the were hard-like pucks..
we used to play with tennis balls- until
him and his crime syndicate took over..
also- famous bumper sticker
jesus saves, esposito scores on the rebound
hi Mr. buttons i was thinking of you when I read this cause of I saw this one
the article talks about one in Alexandria here is a slideshow about that one
slideshow
#6
ted green- got in a stick fight with wayne maki
they put a steel thing in his head when it was
over-never played hockey again..
but ted told that story…about his metal head..
every get-together holiday..
the same story…over and over and over and over..
he kinda ruined the holidays
i’m staring the 800 lb. gorilla
in the face-it’s so close i can touch it..
but if i touch it/ what madness will ensue?
the nuns were right- don’t touch it..
don’t ever touch it!
yesterday- i made certain promises..
i laid out certain goals [fake cry]
that we.. I, would climb that mountain
tame that peak,calm the divide,split the oceans
and make it to 800 comments..
i know i’ve let u down..
i’ve [fake tears] pause..
i’ve let myself down..[hugs rent a family]
but..but i will be back..
and with your support..
we will make a thousand!
[crowd cheers]
i refuse to fly
or get more than ten feet off
the ground
unless i gotta clean the gutters
then i drag the old 40 foot ladder out
and hop to it..
but i would seriously consider flying with bob reed
if we could ‘buzz’ some japs
i’m confused, are japs our friends?
tora-tora-tora!
true story
801 was a band that had brian eno[one brain]
and phil manzanera in it
roxy music drop offs.
anyway-they do a killer version of the beatles song
tomorrow never knows on their live album..
i’d link- but im dereft
800!
don’t get cocky;;keep ur eyes on the prize!
but.. i’m thinking..1000?
doable..
but i’ll need help..
so if u post
be nice
could u post twice
it would be nice…
800! yup- i’m feely giddy..
like sitting down across from the ocean..
and letting the spray of the cold water atlantic..hit my face..
and seagulls are stealing my french fries..
but i don’t care!
it’s Christmas time!..
i’m
waiting for my man
got 26 dollars
in my hand
ok-story time
we used to hang out at the basketball courts
playing 3 0n 3
friendly games- maybe an argument here or there
no biggie
but
there was this one dude-bad apple
used to get out of prison,,
used to come up to the court..
wanting to play..
oh/ did i say he was 6 ft. 8. muscular/ bad ass/ no social skills?
so- he would just get out of prison..
and come to the court
flaying elbows..
being a meanie..
and everyone would slink away..
this guy
i’ll name him=john riggs
was a bully
he had 2 words\if u were a guy-u wanna fight?
if u were a girl= u wanna fuck?
fortunately he was so bad ass he met someone with a shotgun..
never fight or fuck with a shotgun…
yesomeone got dead..
but then u remember,,that the dude was a
prime motherfucking 6-8 bully asshole..
and then u heard- he got wasted by a shotgun..
and u feel..relief?
fuck him- he was a punk
#1
go
to
it
zo
no
i will try-to rap-hide the kids-this ain’t gonna be pretty
i’m proper d
sunny d got nothing on me..
u wake up,thinking of me
chorus[free the toast,free the toast]
i put vanilla ice in your coffee
just to chill,chill,chill it out
for your pretty lips
blow, blow,blow
[free the toast,free the toast]
brunch? whatever..
lunchtime comes
i’m the happy meal man..dressed like a clown
come again, come again
[freedom fries ,freedom fries]
whatcha gonna do this afternoon?
trouble..
after ur sin sin there is din din[pass out in the mash potatos,pass out in the mash potatos]
i got ur back
iffn u hanker for a midnight snack..l
drops microphone-feedback noise..
my proper d t shirts are on sale in the lobby
or u can buy them thru [should i give out my secret squirrel email?]snausagle at ya you know-dotcom
i just had an insight? or something
a ‘sign’- whateves..
but proper d [which i prefer to be now known as..
sounds like..
property..
doesn’t..
proper d/property!
damn-that cnn tower babe is the gift that keeps on giving
proper double-ds
i am about to say-post two disgusting things
why?-i don’t know..
they entered my brain..why? i don’t know
okay-1
i masturbate before i watch gladiator movies,so i can calmly enjoy the carnage
now-substitute gangster for gladiator..
figure me out yet?
i think i just ate a meatball that had
mold on it…eww…
well-i just kinda popped it in my mouth but i think
i spied a blue hue on the backside..
but i was hungry and i scarfed it down..
my brain wasn’t thinking so good..
it was on the ‘i’m starving’ mode
not the-check ur food for mold-mode
who knows-it happened so quick..
maybe in my hunger i see things?
yeah, thats it-i see things
story time
one of my sis is a ‘student looking for a degree’
at harvard-they make her teach classes
her specialty is sumerian! yikes!
anyhow-she speaks a couple of languages/russian best
and we got friends in russia that we fly to-and get flyed upon..so my sis tells this story..
she was over in russia-and she noticed all the males
passed out in the gutter/w-pee stains in there pants..
and she noticed-lil hot dog carts selling
straight up vodka-a liter-for 60 cents..
so she mentioned it to her host and the host
just laughed-rolled her eyes, and said “men’
life is not fair..
we/ my sis-had a foreign exchange student
come over the pond-from sweden lands
and she was upright proper-stone cold fox..
and-we had one bathroom- and she was iinit\pooping
and i’m outside the door/ holding my willy-
having pee problems..
then i hear her flush..
she opens the door with a smile
i brusqe pass her.. to pee
[god- i gotta pee]
and then i notice..
her shit smelled like roses!
it really did..
so i ask my sis
i want to marry that girl.
and my sis says/ she’s already spoken for..
life..is not fair
on another thread we tried to name
my avatar and it justs reminds me
of 8th grade gym where we had a kid
with pre-mature man boobs
we called him ‘chesty mcgowan’ ?
poor bastard..
i really don’t want to go to hell..
but if the prosecuter brings up ‘chesty mcgowan’
i will be staring at my shoes,or the ceiling
true story
diagonaly across the street from
‘chesty mcgowan’ lived a boy
can i name names?-i wont
but this kid [andy p*ven]
his two parents were judges-and he was a lawyer..
and he was one of mike dukaksis team..
gee-i wonder where he is now?
what is a ‘monkeys uncle’ ?
asked my ants aunt
somebody gotta throw me a bobby orr. once in a while..
i’m not beggin-just noticing
heres how i beg..
nice suit,guvnor..
u see, me and the misses-we got a spell o’ bad luck..
and if u could fi..[he walks away]
fascist! asshole-cob knobbler..
i got a mind to thrash you..
[mumbles inchoherently]
them riches..they certainly walk fast..
don’t they magde?
oh chrimmy-dont cough up a lung here-where proper people can see u..
lets-thats right love-i know i know
let’s just slink down this alley..
tom brady- drafted in the 6th round..
news peeps often show the clip of him at the combine..
running a 5.3 40- all skinny and pathetic..
but there is a sacred parking space..
next to the gym-work-out..
and brady man was always the first at workouts..and some say he earned that space..
for 6 years!
he did duty..
then his chance came..and he slammed it
1
reminds me of joe montana..
plus- not that theres anything wrong with that..
he’sd super sexy! and he married THE supermodel
p-lus he does a lot of charity work..plus- he is on fire!/ never seen him play so good
u hate tom brady?
hate muslims
watch-he’ll throw 4 interceptions today..
well, hush my mouth!
why would u hate tom brady?
envy– it’s a sin..
if i could say a few words..
i’d be a better speaker..
sorry-just was itchin to say that
we got we got..
bobby orr/larry bird
and maybe tom brady..
why didn’t i say bill russell
cuz i’m from b town and we hate n#^G&^Rrs..
swing low-sweet chariot- comeing to gather me home..
i denounce you!
can i get a bob?
my chemistry teacher lost a couple of fingers in nam
cuz the tank he was riding
got hit..and he saved a bunch of numb-nuts but burnt two fingers off
and he taught me sciencey shit..
just a bobby–
u can do it!
tis basically- the b key- the o key
the r key?
what are u-retarded? slow..
ooh i get it now- u just don’t like me..
larry bird!
’86 celitics: bird, mchale, parrish, ainge, johnson
best basketball team of all time!
the ‘b’ side of the rightuos[sp] brothers hit
you’ve lost that loving feeling’
is
little latin lupe loo
check it..
i lie..u die..
a carpets permanent.. a rug..
a rug u can roll dead bodies in…
yeah, we lucky-got teams
the red sox just signed a gonzales/ and carl crawford..
the celtics got the big 4- rajon rondo is sweet!]
patriots- tom brady? i don’t know what planet they be on..
bruins? we just got the 2nd draft pick..
seguin?..
and still i bitch..
no worries/ i mean it..
i like the kc royals and pitts[thats my name-pitts]
pittsburgh pirates uniforms..
a dollar will get u outbond, a dime will make u hug me..
[does that make cents?][
is there any doubt?
doubting thomas..that this thread will c 1000?
the mountains high, and the valleys so low..
ifn u comment-comment twice-be nice..
a struggle is when a gator grips ya..
how about a bobby?
a friend of mine-i could see em arguing across w some dude
the bar–and knew there was gonna be afight-just..i could tell..
so we go out in the street-and watch em square off
1 on 1–then this guy goes to hold-i dunno-injests himself into the brawl..
and i thinks- this is not fair..
so i go to interlude..for the justice..
and i guess i was standing on a curb-thinking we was the same size..
but it turns out he was a marine-straight outta boot camp.and.lets just say he wasn’t into ‘negotiations’
he totally dusted me.. i didn’t even get a punch in..
but i like to think my flaying fists might have cooled him down-somewhat..
and then-after he got tired of beating me..
i get ups and see 4 of my friends-hanging about-smoking cancer sticks..
and i say-’didn’t u guys see me getting my ass kicked?’
and they all said-yup-we seen it-u really got ur ass kicked..
friends!
after that beating, i coulda doubled for elaphant man
but on the bright side
i’m lucky i didn’t lose any teeth
hell- i don’t know what i’m sayin’
just a post to get me closer..
i need a shower.
and u probably do too.
what .i take a quick showers
plus- i shaved half-only half
my face!but i smell better
and,from a distance-from one side i look like
ur hairy italian/greek aunt..
but from the other side-i look like nicole kidman..
touch my face! we can pretend ur blind..
embrace my face!
why i’m single pt 1
i put an ad in some internet dating thing..
put up pic[ i'm..ok looks]
but then in my telling meetcha u betcha..
i said-true story..
i’d like to have children, but i can’t get them close enough to my van..
just cuz -if a gal thinks thats funny-done deal..
unfortunately..
no reponses-none!
oh where oh where has my lil dog gone?
oh where oh where can she be?
no bobby orr?
i’m just a mild mannered man..
understand?
and u freaks caint give me a bobby?
or a bjork?
the manger is cold
or so i’m told
fred upton agrees
and wants me..to heat up some tea?
please..the kettles on the boil
i’m just john malchovich downstairs-making bulletts
is that a whistle i hear..
have no fear
mighty mouse, is in the house!
bobby orr
why do u hate me?
just gotta vent..
what is a victory?
a piece of paper?
can someone please give me a bobby orr!
story time..
i was all dirty blue collar
had to get in some roomy room in a hospital
i was way tired..irratible..
so i show up at this hospital
tired, fuunky.. and ask the secratary…
could ya zzz, buzz me inzzz
and she gets all proper, let me c ur id,who are u?
playing the game
i’m fucking tired..dont dig the hassle
then i notice she got a picture of elvis on her desk,,
so i say..
elvis had a twin brother who died..at birth..
her demeanor changed
she had a smile that lit up the room!
i think his name was jesse aaron?that secratery did so love me..just a lil elvis comment
can open doors!
bobby orr!
i’m a total ‘fat elvis’ man
dig the white suit!
and the karate moves..
my sis loves the skinny elvis
whatever..
mikey laroche is a friend..
to the bitter end
thank u!
tell me a mike laroche story
never get the truth,get in the way
of a good story..
me and my bestest buddy- that dale guy-vietnam vet,
flew in to beantown..
and we got all lost..
but we went to a costume store..
and rented fat white elvis costumes
we was twins.
oh-demon alchohol
sad memories i cant recall
but some how i think we wuz in a strip club..
and my elvis mate kept shouting
shelley fabreres
i’d like to say i’m[we]
were sorry..
but it was total elvis white suit madness!
i even think we had a clambake!
we, i..even pretended to be
frank sinatra!
they kicked us out of the hotewl..
true..
there we were both at 6 am..in our fat elvis costumes,kicked to the curb…
and we looked each other in the eyeballs..
and we both thought
what now?
and we both got a grin
on our chinny chim chin
and screamed
‘hookers’!
do u really want to party with
the buttons?
put ur toe in the lake;;feel; the temp
but do u want to dive in?
ha ha..i’m naked..ha ha.jump in!
put ur toe
in firedoglake..
ooh-just a taste…
i do a passable deniro-taxi driver,,
i do a fredo..
but, dont we all?
i’m best, when i got a fat white elvis suit on..
it gives me certain powers..
can i fly?
no..m’aam
will i bag ur groceries
shit yeah. i’d pack em and stack em..
take ur dog for a walk..
pet ur pussy..
cry in tune ,,..how soon is june?
i’m shovel ready!
u betcha!
i grew up in a town where people once believed
that a 79-foot earthworm crawled up out of the rio grande
and died after crawling 5 miles up I-35
when the moon hits you eye
like a big pizza pie
That’s Amore
150! i can taste it..mmmm
if u post-post twice.
just to help along
let’s get this madness behind us…
a feline paws its place..
a dog twirls 3 times..
where do u squat..
even the president of the united states has to stand
sometimes naked
fakey s s-qoutey-ess
trouble with shovels
mint in you’re tea
a pat on the back
might sustain me
now, im just being sillybuit i climb oh so closer
to a thousand!
fake -i could love u a thousand times
in the town square
there is somtin i aint gettin
about the shakespeare dude..
i guess that’she’s why he’s shakespeare
That story about morons in my hometown believing that a giant worm crawled up out of the Rio Grande? Absolutely true.
not a true story
i oncntalk texan..e wore a speedo
in the dusky the west texas town of Laredo..
i’m european.. continental
y’all
i once wore a speedo
in laredo
got nothing to hide
how about them cowboys?george gervin
the ice man
haha
laredo is in south texas, not west
if u walked down the street in a speedo
people would think you escaped from
la zona roja in nuevo laredo across the border
and george gervin was a san antonio spur!
the bobby orr of south texas!
true story.. well kinda truei went to see my sis in 92\in daytona beach..
and she had 3 cats
and the ruler was ‘lil shaver’
who\i think had a perverted relationship with my sis
he used to hisss at me!
never got a fitful sleep
when ‘lil shaver’ was about
always kept one eye opened
for the shaver
so- my sis got preggers
and we flew home to baked bean town
for the medical
and my future bro in lawgot a trailer
and did the whole i95 thingt
and he sowed up- with 2 cats,,
so i says..wheres ‘lil shaver’
and he says
‘in a brown bag-in a river’
i like my brother in law!
a neighbor of my grandma’s
on the southside of san antonio
who lived 3 houses down
had a dog who honked instead of barked
so- ‘lil shaver’
used to get on my ssters..
i dont know what its called’
reclining?
so ‘lil shaver’ would hop up
and do that cat thing
i call it riding the bicycle
on my sis..
as she lazily..clicked
but that fuckin cat
as he was riding the bike
would stare at me..
like..ur gonna
ha lose an eyeball tonight
or
tommorrow night [purr-purr]
the tell-tale heart!
oh ,please-do cats only have 9 lives?
my brother in law-put him in a bag
and dropped him in the river
i hope
down in the west texas town of El Paso
i fell in love with a Mexican girl
night-time would find me in Rosa’s cantina
music would play and Felina would whirl
mmm-when be 1000?
if i’m manic..by keith richards b day[12-18-43]
if i’m depressive.. boo hoo..promises!
butt iffn u help..
2 posts yo
christmas!
would that be not cool
sleigh bells ring,are u listening
in the lane,snow is glistening
a beautiful sight
we’re happy tonight
walking in a winter wonderland
on the first day of xmas
jeff goldstein gave to me
a 1000-post doggerel thread
for pd!
true story–
had gal in san diego
and she was from san antonio”
and-whatever”i went to visit her on a my long climb to boston..
but i went out drinking one night,in some low rent bar
and all the gals liked my accent\
park the car in harvard yard..
but then i started quoting ‘repo man’
john waynes a fag..
it got totally ugly after that
i have a scar on my forehead that i lie about
said it was a car accident
we never talked again..
pity-she was cool
i’m a ninth-generation texan
but have no texas accent
how f-ed up is that?
when she- got allf uck off, see ya
screw
leave,don’t darken my door
beat it, loser..but
she made me toast!
texas toast!
and i remember her laments..ya ya, i’m leaving..
but i remember staring at the toast!
texas toast..
thankee from a yankee
‘nother thing i remember ’bout texas
i lived in san diego..
but them texas girls..
damn!
Texas..
i was all confused in my lil time there but i remeber..
the sweetness of the air..peoples true care, genuine!
is this so rare?
Texas,..
do i have to say another word?
i think i’m 178 frum a thousand..
but i’ve been tippin.
and i’m thinking-in my drinking
who gets the 1000 post
[me-i do- cuz im sexy]
i dont mind the 4th and one,,
a goal line stand/game on the line
just don’t fumble..
eric byner
the closer i gets
the more u pull away
blondie!
one way, or another,i’m gonna getcha
its nitty gritty time!
just 125..
i say that many Hail Marys before lunch..
i went to a preacher man,and asked him
do u Hail Mary
he said
something about..blah blah..we don’t see her as divine
blah blah..blah..
protestants!
we had a upstairs downstairs family
and after going upstairs to visit my drunk uncle earl
to get me some candy[peppermints]
as i descended down the stairs
we had an alcove
with a statue of Mary
and i used to pause, evereytime..l
and touch her..
pat her..
Hail Mary full of grace i’d say
i was 4 0r 5.
just a little critter..
but as i slowly came down them stairs..
to get a pause..on a landing..
and look at a statue of Mother Mary..
it was a proper statue.. about 3/4 feet high
nestled in an alcove
and to pause.. and pet it
and say
Hail Mary, full of grace..
well-i guess thats one childhood memory
you can’t take away from me
iffn u cant hail mary..well. u a punk..
it’s easy to do..
just bow your head,submit.
jeepers- she ain’t sarah palin!
just get down on ur knees..
do the cross thing[ i say when up father
when down
holy spirit
and my left,right move..i say Hail-Mary]
aside-geooff b sent me an xmas card
and-jeepers- i’ve been on this site..what?
last xmas maggie katzen sent me a card..
sorry- i don’t send cards, put up political signs in my yard
or defame my 2005 astro van..with bumper stickers
Hail Mary. Sure.
Can’t hurt.
Unless her real name was Annabelle.
thank seerd..
but as little lord fauntlroy..[sp]
as i was leaving my drunk uncles room
having a vapor attack as i clumped down them stairs..
is there anything as soothing..
as u get ur giblets all in a row
thinking..
i might just fall, hard..down these stairs..
but on the landing
u pat old Mary.. and take a pause..
and know ur steps.will be planted..
sure..definite..
well- that old Mary–shes, as we say in b town
wicked pissa!
three thing i will not bear[bare=boo]
making fun of
uno=bjork
dos=bobby orr
tres- Mary- the mommy of God..
please..bite ur lip
got a quip?
it better be funny..
i try..
three little survivors, in a life boat..
with no oars..
bjork, wearing a swan dress…just shivers..and looks at bobby orr and says
i thought u fucking could skate?
and bobby replies.. m”aam[he is so nice!]
water freezes at certain degrees..
then Mother Mary whips out her cell phone
and says”fuck this noise..I’m calling my kid”
booyah..
i..made a funny!.
tis not a joke, but observation..
joe and mary–tired..not thinking
happened upon an inn
let us in, let us in
shes f*cking preggers and about to drop
mr inn dude say-yeah- i got a barn..
jesus..what do these assholes think[word!] so mr night manager says
u thinks ur kid is the son of God,or sump
don’t die in my manger,bitch-and..joe and then they got the starry star..
and frankensense, and myrr and..
hand lotion?
demerol?
oxycontins?
cuz..strictly coming from a Mary standpoint..
if u just..hmmm just..mmmm mmm
how do i say?
farted him out?
no..
how’s about..
gave the world a savior[much better]
you would need drugs..
good drugs..
hey- i just spit out the savior..
and all i get is this lousy t-shirt?
blashphemy..
sorry-just funnin
worked with a guy
who looked like kenny rogers,the gambler..but
he had this nickname,before i knew him..
‘rest area ron’
don’t knew who gave him that name,but it was a classic..
he had a retirement party-and someone[the owner]
gave him a chunk of asphalt with his name on it..
sad news-he retired and got ,maybe 6 weeks-then he had a stroke
sorry to be a bummer..that’s just what happened..
so i guess ya gotta..enjoy things
a white..sport coat
and a pink
carnation..
[sorry- just wanted to say that-i got a thousand things on my mind]
salad dressings
blue cheese my fav
italian
house-which is basically italian
greek-again-italian
ceasur-again-italian
ranch
rasberry vinergarette and, is this regional?
a thousand islands..?
a thousand islands is just mayonaisse, with a healthy dose of piccalily in it
sweet-calming..
i just wanted to say/write thousand
to quote the tweety bird
i thought i saw a puddy-cat..
i did! i did!
4 words i don’t wanna see the coppers utter
put your pants on
you’are under arrest
i like a struggle
breathe-into the gathering gloom..
wait, thats 5 words
next post!
5 damn wide words i never ever want the big man in blue to
say to my innocent ass.
may i pat u down?[tj hooker]
shawshank redemption is a movie
trap a bird,they tweet
tj hooker!
boom!!! taste my nightstick
didn’t ur girl know her tammy wynette?
stand by ur man!
some texan she was/is
Texas is not only like a whole other country…it’s a way of life.
all i remember
was she liked patsy cline
and walks on the beach[i kid.i kid]
not about the patsy cline though..
i do a version,when i’m in the cups
of george jones
‘tonight, the bottle-let me down’
hank williams sr-9 17..
do drinking and the hankster go together?
take these chains,from my heart-and set me free..
you’re just in time,to be too late..
poor old kawliga..
can i move in
to mikey laroches house?
i wont grouse…might kick up a fudget once in a blue moon, i cook a nice shrimp-dish w noodles..
you can if you bring the cn tower girl
no-she was Texas..
she showed me the door..
and said..basicaly- a thresold u passed..by ur actions
u wanna cross that divide again?
she was all ‘judge roy bean’
charlies angels
pointing my way,out the door
she would not compromise
ur an asshole-bye..
and, i kinda knew i fucked up;;
i guess i really screwed the pooch..
oh well,on the happyfeet side,nicole kidman just let a
judge take the restraing order..
down from..
a 200 ft,to 100
she was all like-she packed my bags
threw me out,
was all-not a pang of remorse..
left me cold,on the street,
looking for..a ride..
damn that San Antonion girl-Kathy
she was proper
and the not so funny thing
was i deserved it!
if i tell u what i did..
when she slammed that apartment door, and said, you’re a fucking asshole!’
well, she was right
love,love.love them Texas gals!
she had a smile
that i turned upside down..
regrets,ive had a few..
my way blah blah blabby blah..
she was actually,pretty funny,now that i think about
her insults were..
spot on
she kept saying
‘go fuck you’re mother, go fuck you’re mother’
at the time, didn’t think nothing of it
i am now in therapy
a hundred..a hundred?
as michael jackson said
watch me climb a tree!
99 bottles of beer on the wall..
the last[maybe] post about Kathy..
she made me Texas toast..
before she banished me!
so. im all hungover,looking at the toast hearing her
lamenting[ she was packing my bags]
and-i vaguely remember her words
‘fucking asshole, moth*er f*cker]
from the other room
as i stared at the thick toast..and thought..this is the bestesst breakfast i ever had!
then dizzy miss lizzy came out of a bedroom..
and threw my clothes,in my face
which she bagged up nice[Texas chicks!]
and said=get the ur motherf*cking ass, outta that Motherf*cking chair..
and get the f*ck ouuta my site..
gee, i replied, i got an crust left..make me some tea..
sent her over the edge!
no- the last part was a lie..
she beat me..i deserved it..
want to know what i did
i will never,ever say
never
what’s the worst thing u ever done..
well, i did it…
one more Kathy story..
as she booted my sorry ass..out the door..
i looked back
hoping she might be peeking out the window..
cuz maybe in my fevered mind
we might get back together
and have babies..start a family”?
nope.. nada,no way
i was a long gone daddy
six posts from a grand!
who can make the sun shine
and sprinkle it with dew..
the candyman can
i used to have a business agent
who went to a tanning booth
and had a glass-eye,
i called him
sammy-davis-nixon junior
4 more. don’t think i can do it’
want the 1000 to be special
when we, 3 sis.me, a bro
first moved in
to the burbs
we be all excited
our folks bought us a tobaggan
cuz we live next to a golf course
and we went sledding
on our first nighty night
we didn’t know about the ‘seven hills’
but..long story short. we all got bloody
ran into a tree..
but, brothers and sisters..family..
bonds after accidents
[ i blame my sister Kkaren]
oh,sorry
i’m still thinking about Kathy..
we got[we?]
a ..while
90
99 luft-balloons
here is another Nena for to hear… it’s a very cool little lullaby sort of dealio and it’s kinda brilliant cause it ends with a heartbeat… I have no idea really if it’s a for reals lullaby cause of it’s sung in germanic, but I always thought it was like a lullaby, which, there really isn’t a surfeit of lullabies anymore
I wonder why that is
that really is a cool little song I’m glad you made me remember it I haven’t heard that since I was little
Here’s a lullaby what’s new.
Kathy sure sounds like a handful.
not to be dissing on Kat-Kat..
some good stories about her
she held my head up,or tried to,,
as i was in some far off gutter..
and as i puked on her shoes..
she said,gentle like..
it’s okay-it’ll be alright..
and patted my head..[eeww,sorry]
coming out of a store onetime,all not paying attention
to my enviroment
a dude tried to rob me
and lickety split-she bolted outta the car,and
smacked the guy upside his lil robber head..
i think she saved my life
she also had a bird,that she taught to say my name!
kathy! i just might give u the 1000!
she constantly-constantly-had patsy cline on them
airwaves..
she would just push a button[ i said button]
and refresh patsy..on the cd player
i kinda liked it after a bit
sweet dreams..of you..
i..fall..to pieces
walking after midnight
never ever set you’re alarm clock
to 9.18.
some say 666 is the devils sign
but 9 eighteen..
is a num num-you must avoid,at all costs
i remeber in high school football
i was a corner-back
and the opposing q back
threw an interception..
right at me..
it was like..
i dunno-he didn’t see me?
he just lofted it up,at me..
so i caught it[obviousilly]
and looked at it..
surprised..
i didn’t do nothing..
that qb just threw it at me-lofted it..
so,im all surprised,shocked..
and my teammates just kept saying..run,run!
but i had a brain fart..and just stood there..
and got tackled
storytime
the celtics won some nba champsionship
1986
and they had a big parade, which
ended in a city hall palooza..
and me and a co-worker skipped afternoon work..
and we saw the parade, then marched down to
the plaza..
and we was all cattle close
boxed in,tight
and my buddy started singing, Loud!
no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
can do the shing-a ling
like i do!, and he looked at me,and winked..
and i thought he’d stop
but nooo!
he kept singing
no no no no no no no no
really loud!
people squirmed in the audience
cuz we was so close..
but he just kept singing
no no no no no no no no
can do the boogalu,like i do..
funny co-workers make the clock tick faster
what do u do, when in a crowd of 100,000?[or more]
when ur all clammed up..
with some guy, singing
no no no no no no no
no no no no no
no no no nobody can do the shing-a -ling
like i do!laugh?
get with the program?
he would not stop..
if anyone was in the crowd..
and heard that..
i was the guy next to him.
he made so many people uncomfortable-in so short a time span..
the guy[ronny] was a genius
got a story about his brother richie..
it involves trains
and homeless people
i’ve posted this before..somewhere.. but
so the big bossman says
u 2, grab ur tools,go to this address on newbury st
[we was downtown] so- instead of parking costs, i figure, we’ll take the t
it was, early in the morning
so me and richie haul our tools..
and we desend into the bowels of the, a, urban train
junction
and he’s so excited-to take the train..
he was hoppin on his good foot..
saying- i’ve never taken the train, i’ve never taken the t!
so, he was so innocent and green, i says
walk bruskelly,watch your wallet,don’t acknowledge homeless people..
gee- everytimes u take an inner city train
u should say that
walk with a purpose, watch ur wallet.ignore homeless people..
it works
definition of a prick
a 5 0r 6 year old boy
watching the nightly news..
and noticing flames in the reflection in the tube
and thinking-shit, our neibhors house is on fire..
and then running to the window..
and seeing the three decker home, house
go up in flames..
and noticing the [cat lady] on the third floor..
screaming.. help, help..
and
as a prick.. u just think..
if she jumps, that’s cool.. she’ll die..
but if she stays..
she’ll burn.
if i had a twin
i’d be the ‘evil’ one
75!
‘ the closer my breathe
the farther u back-pedal
any nurses out there?
i got a question..
if u know a patients gonna die..
do u change his,her sheets
on the last night?
it’s a struggle
a damn struggle..
rolling bodies which way and that
just to changey them sheets..
u kinow what sucks worse
the smell of decaying bodies
storytime..
me and my big sister Karen..
used to take lil sister Brenda
up the head of the driveway
and apply brakes
as we’d give her a scoot, down the hill
so we was doing that
but me and Karen took a break..
aand sat out a mix..to have a smoke
but Brenda, all proud..
got up on the tryke
and said, look at me,look at me!
i think she was 5
but me and my big sis was smoking
and was not in a hurry
so lil sis Brenda
starts down the driveway..
all excited..
but as she didn’t have our brake-feet-brakes..
she careened out of control
and landed in bushes
head first- with her tiny lil legs out..
if..no..
i’ve never laughed so hard, in my life
lil Brenda..all in control of the ride
proving she could master the tricickle..
all glee on her face..
turning into worry, and then panic..
and she landed, right in the bushy
head first, crying
as me and big sis Karen watched the whole escapade..
smoking
and then
laughing!
all u could see was lil Brenda’s lil legs, twitching out the bush
and her crying..
me and big sis K always remember that and laff
Brenda..not so much
i gots Karen storie up the ying yang
we was in florida,daytona beach
drinking{?]and she got all nasty on bob[the brother in law]
so, we was sitting in this bar, and she get’s all emotional
starts throwing f bombs about
screaming at bob
‘u fat bastard,,u s#ck, blah blah blah’
then she storms out tyhe bar-and calls the cops..
to arrest bob..
and the cops say..can i have your name,m’am’
and she says it
and they go
we have a warrant out for your arresst..
she arrested her self!
so- whenever me and bob get loose, we say
“Karen..lend me a dime,i’m outta control, i gotta call the cops on myself”
another Karen story..
we was stumbling, fumbling home one night
from Fathers Two..
and she dropped her cigarette on the ground
i saw this!
and as she bent down, she musta passed out..
blam, face first
face first!..
and, we went home,
and the next morning, she had to go breakfast waitering
she put dollops of make-up[ on..
and asked me, how do i look..
geez, she had 2 black eyes and a swelling head..
so i says.. you look fine..
“She said her name was Emergency and asked to see my gun.
Said her telephone number was 9-1-1…”
one more Karen florida story..
every wenesday is, at a theater.. 50 cents
afternoon show..
so we show up and, every seat is taken
by..older people,,[ grand canyon was thhe movie]
the opening scene was 2 black youths, playing street
basketball, no nets, just..whatever..
so we hear a coolective groan from the 50 cent audience
and the hue and cries
what is this movie about?
and my sister says, without bating an eyelash
inner city youth, who steal social security checks i love me some Karen!
one more Karen story
it was my future brother in laws 30th birthday.
so we pitched a party for the slob
but Karen showed up early
and started pounding, and she droppeed two glass drinks..shatter!
and, they gave her plastic cups..
and as she was all woozy..
i kept saying, it’s not You’re birthday”
she is a total fox..
gotta love the Karen
upon xmas morning
to find one sister under the merry tree, passed out
mmm, i can deal..
and then, u see ur other sis,all baked out..removed..
and u thinks- gee- what a merry xmas
and Then- u see, the 3rd sister, who just flew in from the coast
all lollygag..
and u think.. which one should i..
perverts!
wake up first!
Karen, she’s the breakfast queen!