June 15, 2009

DC Garage, with your host, Dave Burge [Dan Collins]

A sample:

DAVE
You’re the boss, Big Daddy! Let’s go down on the shop floor and see how the build team is making it happen. Bad Boy Brian Deese — let’s see you get to work and deconstruct this baby!

BAD BOY
Gladly! In “On Cosmopolitanism and Forgiveness,” Derrida introduces the notion of a sacred-profane postmodern industrial design linguistic synthesis through the lens of a hedgehog cowering before an oncoming car. From a pure semiotic communications standpoint, Lacan would see the tail fins of this car as a manifestation of McCarthyite cultural political and paranoia, juxtaposed against the repressed sexual desires of the 1950’s. The chrome bumpers simultaneously mirror and disguise the tacit relationship between signifier and …

DAVE
No, I mean literally take the car apart.

BAD BOY
I was, before you interrupted me.

DAVE
I mean literally with WD-40 and wrenches. Not French psycholinguistic theory.

BAD BOY
Wrenches?

DAVE
They’re the thingies for twisting the bolt doodads. Radical Ron can explain. You can find them over in that Snap-On tool box.

BAD BOY
Snap-On tools? Oooohh, sounds transgressive!

Posted by Dan Collins @ 5:57am
23 comments | Trackback

Comments (23)

  1. “Queer Eye for the Gearhead Guy.”

  2. Ah! There is something Iowahawk doesn’t know how to mock.

    I feel better.

  3. If that is the auto industry, there is always insurance.

  4. “Ah! There is something Iowahawk doesn’t know how to mock.”

    You know, you are absolutely right. That graf was my lame attempt at parody of PoMo bullshit, and you were correct to call me on it. After reading your comment I went back and modified it. Here’s the edited bit, which I hope is an improvement.

    BAD BOY

    As Derrida noted in “Allegories of Tedium: Reading Cadillac,” the essentialist paradigm of postwar modernist automotive design vocabularies created partially situated identities out of actual or potential highway and drive-in social realities in terms of canonical forms of these tailfin thingies, um, thus contextualizing the phenomenology of intersubjective, er, narrative spaces… and um, which requires, in a sense, the renaturalization of the cognitive strategies for resolving the dialectics of the metaphorical phallic forms of these, um, hood ornaments…

    Updated version now links to your comment above. Sincere thanks.

  5. Another great Iowahawk piece; simulataneously flaming the bailout bunch, reality TV, and the nauseating super chunk, wanna-be heaby metal rock-n-roller, guitar theme music guys who seem to only use the “cap’n crunch” setting on their effects boxes…

    As the Guinness guys say, “Brilliant!”

  6. Vive la différance!

  7. Putney says “The Borman Six girl has got to have soul.”

  8. Snap-on? Oh, I wish I had 20 large for a bitchin’ set of tools…

    Although, I will admit I did fork over the $78 for a new 80-tooth ratchet.

  9. My fave part needs quoting:

    COMMERCIAL SPOT 2

    [grainy black-and-white stock footage of desperate breadlines, swelling Aaron Copeland music]

    ANNOUNCER
    1932. In the wake of economic depression, a nation lies in tatters. Amid the ruins, one man emerges with a dream to harness the power of government and youthful idealism to give the country new hope — and get industry back on its feet. Tonight on the History Channel, join us as we examine the economic miracle of Benito Mussolini and the Italian New Deal.

    Only on the History Channel. Where the past just won’t stay dead.

  10. Fuckin’ A, I say we chop it and drop it. And maybe some nice tuck-and-roll?

  11. “I say we chop it and drop it”

    Heretic! Drop, certainly, but I defy you to cite a TriFive Chebby that doesn’t look like total shit chopped. The only chopworthy post-1954 cars that I can think of are Studebaker coupes, 58-62 Caddy CdVs, and maybe 63-65 Buick Rivieras. Even then, the limit is about 1″ out.

  12. Here’s the correct way to molest a ’57 Chevy: gasser style, with bumper delete, chrome straight axle, white fenderwell headers, Halibrand spindle mount spoke mags, Casler piecrust slicks on big window aluminum slots, Hillborn injected big block.

    http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1293/1173307874_1dda1616dc.jpg?v=0

  13. (splutters) Oh yeah? Yeah? Well, my man Chewy says “Tell that pinche gabacho to check THIS chit out…”
    http://www.hotrod.com/projectbuild/1957_chevy_bel_air_restoration/photo_01.html

    Then again…
    http://www.jaylenosgarage.com/your_garage/cars/6267.shtml
    Yeesh.

  14. Iowahawk, interesting shot of the ’57…notice in the background there is a “Self Esteem” shop.

    Hard to believe there would be a serious hot rod association in an area that sports a “self esteem” shop.

  15. Got to be California, Blake…

  16. There’s a really video of a custom rod on the post preceeding this brilliant parody at the Iowahawk site…

  17. Can’t leave this thread without mention of John Wayne Bobbitt, poster-boy for Snap-On tools..

  18. Back when I was in high schoole I had a 1956 Chevy Belair two door with a 327 3/4 cam and holly four barrel, and a hurst 4 speed shifter. Lots and lots of tickets.

    WD40 is for antiwet W water D displacement. Not meant for lubrication, cause it leaves a silicone residue. Use 3 in 1 or some other light oil instead.

    Make your own penetrating oil. ATF cut 50/50 with mineral spirits or kero.

  19. Pingback: Big Hollywood » Blog Archive » ‘D.C. Garage’: Outtakes from My Failed Reality Show Pilot

  20. Putney says “The Borman Six girl has got to have soul.”

    sdferr, we watched that the other night. didn’t get it. ;D

  21. My uncle cut the front doors out of a 4 door 57 chevy belair.

    Dude your uncle should be shot.

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