March 12, 2009

The Song of Iowahawk [Dan Collins]

or, a Fragment of a Vision in a Dream Smoking a Pipe with a St. Bernard Coming Out of It

(For tomorrow is National Iowahawk Day)

At the bending of the river
Where it bows the brackish water
In the fertile land of Hawkeyes
Where the Hy-Vee vends its groceries
And employees own the business
There was taught the Iowahawk.

He did not come from Wisconsin
Nor from Illinois corrupted
Nor from Minnesota land of
Many lakes and taxi drivers
Who will not transport you far if
You have with you juice of grapevine
Bought at duty free at airport.
Not Nebraska where the flatland
Stretches on past Ogalala
Ever stretching are we there yet
Till it comes to Colorado
Where the students go for spring break
There to drink the beer refreshing
But diluted, cannot seem to get a
Buzz on, what is this swill?

Nor Missouri, better beer there
Taken from the proud Milwaukee
Like the ball team to Atlanta.
But in Iowa was he nurtured
At the workshop of the writers
At the Foxhead bar he haunted
Playing billiards with professors.

Later he went to Chicago
Place where many things were happening
Though the football team was hapless
That requires a quaterback still
Still and ever, never changing.
And he found the internet there
Tubes in series, linked together
Where he made the blog that many
Found remarkable and laughing
Asked of themselves, “Who is Dave Burge,
Man we call the Iowahawk,
Who has genius to resemble
Any writer past or present
Whether it be Hunter Thompson,
Homer eld of Grecian glory,
Chaucer ribald and yet stately?
Wherefore comes he, raiment splendid,
Clothed in tropes so tightly woven
Out of matter hempen homespun,
Writing of tattoos and hot rods
Making light of that which presses
Round our throats like garrots tightening
Or when natives stake you out in
Wastelands with your nipples impaled?
He is Iowahawk of Typepad
Master of the sparkling send-up
When he posts, then douchebags tremble
Realizing they’ve been skewered
And with no recourse to match him:
Mighty Burge, the Iowahawk!”

Posted by Dan Collins @ 8:53am

Comments (36)

  1. I’ll wait for the Bugs Bunny cartoon.

  2. On xanax, dude, did Kublai-Dan, a stately homework poem decree.
    I ran and ran and ran and ran……

    I love me some Iowahawk, but I think plagiarism is my only hope.

  3. At least joke stealing.

  4. Treacher is a font of one-liners.

  5. That’s a nice paen to Mr I., though.

  6. Proud to say I’ve met the mighty Iowahawk (at an AoS gettogether in the Wicker Park neighhborhood). Cool dude in a loose mood, certainly!

  7. I thought it was Longfellow not Coleridge. But then I have affinity to the shores of Gitche Gumee.

  8. Geoffb- Wer’e supposed to come up with something original worthy of the life of Burge for Iowahawk Day. So I was just feeling inadequate there.

  9. If you want it to be a proper homage to Burge, you need to work nitromethane and camshafts in there somewhere.

  10. Ah, I’m not an originalist in any writing way so I missed that. My inadequacy dwarfs all else, and others, in writing.

    In being a dork, I can excel however.

  11. Gitchee-goomie-riffic! Thanks Dan.


  12. On xanax, dude, did Kublai-Dan, a stately homework poem decree


  13. Hey, Gitche OWN Gumee.

  14. I R Legion of Dumb.

  15. food….good..
    fire bad

  16. Yeah well… I think I’ll stick with posting my favorite burge-bits. And beer.

  17. In a truly just universe Mr Hawk would be richer than six foot up a bull’s ass. Just from the royalties. But then again, in a truly just world I’d have a fair amount of change myself. My 401k wouldn’t look like a pair of pants with all the pockets cut out.

  18. pockets out?
    kiss the rabbit between the ears

  19. Wherefore there is no firewater? We were promised the firewater.

  20. There once was a man named Burge
    Who had an infliction and urge
    When it came to a car hop
    He recommended a 4-inch chop
    “If you got a Fatwa, you might as well splurge”

    So endeth the meme


    Opps – corrected

    There once was a man named Burge
    Who had an infliction and urge
    When it came to a car hop
    He recommended a 3-inch chop
    “If you got a Fatwa, you might as well splurge”

  22. once a comment did urge
    ur fatwa asses to merge
    a thought and a fart
    did the bunny bugs part…

    “but I’m super-smart”

    to the turtle
    tudor turtle

  23. It’s good, but you forgot the “Burma Shave.”

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  25. Reads like a love letter to me, man.

    (Though I share your sentiments.)

  26. stooges be three
    an anchor
    whoop whoop whoop…
    faggy joe
    gots to…
    whoiop whoop whoop..

    bjork swan dress knuckle-head kisses

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  28. Brilliant, Dan.

    Hear the Song of Iowatha
    The Long Fellow, Henry Wadsworth
    Perfect stage name for a porn star

  29. Dan Brill;iant
    he’s my man
    if he can’t duet
    call it macaroni


    duh…duh once was a pad so
    duh…..duh trickle down was
    so ex-wife exorba/baa/ sheep/rent[spell/i/m dying here]
    but when zorba the greek
    took a maria callas peek
    the snark from irish teeth did speak

  30. ethel[give me an E]
    rose[ [pedal to the metal]
    caroline[ uh–mmm—heh]
    bobbobbobby[i’m from….ny?/mass?
    confuscious say/ let sirhan sirhan decide…}
    damn f’cking bus boys]
    i gots kennedy syories/ i.m tires

  31. collins
    ha ha ha
    a has been was the call…
    the murmur did fall
    on a vote…
    Gunga Din/ talk of has been..
    the collins be straight/
    he tinkles 88

    this site is
    the best
    now i rest
    stop blowjob

  32. Pingback: Fausta’s Blog » Blog Archive » Iowahawk and the Shark Pit of Doom

  33. Pingback: Guess who’s the “Australian car buffs” refers to.. « et cetera*

  34. Closing comments on old posts would be a good idea, I’m thinking…