November 24, 2008

Bitter Hater in Hospital

Clinging, according to BJT:

Our loyal commentator (and supreme commander of creative swear name calling) JD has been in the hospital since this past Saturday due to a ruptured gall bladder. Apparently this was brought on by enough gall stones to rebuild Stonehenge. In the course of the surgery the doctor managed to nip his bile duct, giving rise to his comment that “those moonbats who called me hate and bile filled may have been on to something!” He goes back into surgery  tonight or tomorrow to fix the bile duct damage.

I talked to him a few minutes ago and his spirits were good, although he mentioned that his jocularity may have had something to do with the IV Delautin.

All prayers and well wishes and pithy, amusing insults would be welcomed.

The gall.

Posted by Dan Collins @ 11:21am

Comments (147)

  1. Hmmm. Needs more dope.

    Heal, ya big lug. You’ve got overnight watch.

  2. Be better soon JD. What’s a gall bladder?

  3. That was…wrenching, Pablo.

  4. I don’t care what the circumstances, I don’t ever want to be “bile filled.” He is in good spirits and should be receiving a call from a certain head outlaw.

    No doubt to compare the particulars of Delautin and Klonipan.

  5. Get better JD.

    HF, your gall bladder controls bile excretion releasing it when needed, without it you are constantly excreting bile (kinda a slow drip).

  6. I thought that this was what they invented duct tape for.

    Hope ya feel better, JD.

  7. Oh, noes! Get better soon, JD, or consider yourself denounced!

  8. The horse and the rat, they do not have gall bladders. That is a true fact. Also, womens are more riskier for getting the gallstones than men are. oh. Painful, all of this is. It says drinking water can help. That’s probably not very helpful at this point. Hang in there.

    oh. Thanks ccs. I read up just now. Apparently bile helps emulsify fat. Ok I have no idea what that means but it sounds like an important job. I would link to wikipedia but the pictures there were very disturbing.

  9. HF: JD’s gall stones had nothing to do with diet or water. He simply has a genetic propensity, apparently. He did say that the pain was massive, like someone sticking a knife into his gut and twisting it. I’m trying not to think too long on the bile duct thing.

  10. oh. The drinking water part is supposed to help alleviate the pain it says. The preventative stuff wikipedia had under the “alternative medicine” part was too ridiculous to talk about I thought.

  11. Damn!

    Get well soon, JD!

  12. I wish JD a speedy recovery, God-speed, or Michael Vick pad speed, whichever is quicker.

  13. JD! Was it something I said? Get better and get better now!


  15. Get well JD! And if they want to give you Morphine, take it…that’s some good stuff…

  16. Dilaudid ;-; i think it is synthetic morphine.

    Thanks for the call, Jeff. And thanks for the well wishes, you racist homophobic jingoistic xenophobes.

    I will be in the hospital until Wednesday. Brutal. One of my nurses is smoking hot. Given the painkillers, I do not speak when she is around, for fear of what I might say.

    Apparently, there is a reason they would not let me eat solid food. A buddy smuggled me a cheeseburger. Horrible idea. I am not a good patient.

  17. Pisser.

    Get well soon JD.

  18. You can get good money for a fresh adrenal gland…

    Just sayin’…

  19. Get well, JD!

    And save some bile for thor.

  20. Good Allah, this gall bladder thingie hurt. Hurt so bad I puked on the way to the doctor. Why is it that things like an appendix or gall bladder, useless piles of Baracky, can cause sooooooooo much pain?

  21. Get well JD, did the doc warn you about eating fatty foods? Cheeseburger may not have been the best choice.

  22. OH goodness, JD. I hope you heal-up fast. No pithy comments from me.

  23. Cepik – yeah, they told me. I have been on a liquid diet since Saturday. I learned my lesson, the hard way.

  24. Get better soon JD!

  25. The Better Half is a gonna kick your ass for that cheeseburger, dude!

  26. How’s that dilaudid working out for you? I was in the hospital last December due to double pnuemonia and they gave me some of that stuff and I puked violently. They said, it was obvious I never did any illicit drugs before. Yes, it eased the pain but man did it make me sick. They moved to morphine, which did nothing for me. Vicodin is still my pain killer of choice.

    Anyhow, no more cheeseburgers. The fat will ef you up. Cepik is 100% correct.

  27. Best wishes JD, get better and fast too, for life without bacon, butter, nice smoked fat-brisket sounds awful scary, yo.

  28. Im really, really sorry to hear that.
    Feel better and get well,

  29. Sister morphine is the nectar of the gods. Ask for it by name.

    Demerol works too, but when I had it I hallucinated a lot. It was better than living with the pain.

  30. When JD gets better, we should have a big, Texas style barbecue!

    That was mean, wasn’t it?

  31. This isn’t some forever thing is it where it’s no more cheeseburgers forever and ever is it? That’s where you have to pull out the God never gives us more than we can handle sort of line but I’d just flat out that not be the case and also the not more than we can handle thing is sort of stretching the truth I think. That reminds me there’s a new pho restaurant in either Sherman Oaks or maybe right at the Sherman Oaks side of Encino. I almost went for lunch there the other day. It was empty. But I wasn’t feeling the solo sit down sort of lunch thing just then so I just went home.

  32. Go for the ketamine.

    Kills pain and causes hallucinations.

    2 for the price of 1.

  33. BJ – better half laughed, said that is what i deserved for not listening.

    Dilaudid is my friend, my really really really good friend.

    happyfeet – According to the doc, the no cheeseburgers thing will only be for a few weeks. Apparently, the liver takes over the function of the gall bladder once removed. Who knew?

  34. Not forever is way better than forever but weeks without life sustaining animal fat is a bad thing all by itself I think. Can milkshakes make a digestible substitute? Or is it protein turtles all the way down?

  35. That’s a relief, JD. Hopefully all better for Christmas. I love and genuinely appreciate my liver more and more every day.

  36. Get well soon, JD.

  37. I really rely on Dan to fix my more egregious spelling errors and prevent my having to face grammar humiliation.

    Dilaudid … Dilaudid … Dilaudid …

  38. happy – Better Half’s rule-of-thumb is the dingier the restaurant, the better the pho.

    Liquid diet since Saturday, except for the cheeseburger. Today I got promoted to beef bouillon from chicken stock and water. I am dying.

  39. So, the dietician that was telling me about how I need to change my diet, reduce the fat, etc … weighed as much as a Colts offensive lineman. Nice lady, but the dissonance was distracting.

  40. People who’ve never been doped to the eyeballs with it don’t really comprehend the wonder of Morphine – it still hurts, but YOU DON’T GIVE A SHIT!

  41. JD:

    Will you be doing a confessional video, telling us all of your horrific nightmares and near suicide? ‘Cuz it did wonders for Glenn Beck.

  42. Apparently, the liver takes over the function of the gall bladder once removed.

    The liver, is there anything it can’t do?

  43. Rob: Get a real conservative elected to national office.


  44. Get well soon, JD! You won’t miss that lumpy bag of marbles at all.

  45. Just please don’t keep the stones in a jar as a souvenir. That’s simply icky.

  46. mojo – I get a new addition to my IV every other hour, on the hour. Synthetic morphine is a beautiful thing.

    dicentra – I am fairly certain they will not let me live-blog a surgery, but I will ask.

    Lyndsey – They are not getting anywhere near my marble sack.

  47. Oh, you said GALL BLADDER….my bad.

  48. Guys, I went thru / am still recovering from exactly what JD is going through. Only in my case, about 2 months after they took the gall bladder out I went back in with nausea that Phenergan couldn’t fix, and found that my pancreas had decided to start digesting itself, apparently because a leftover / fresh gallstone blocked up the pancreatic duct. By the time they figured out what was going on, I had an 8″x4″x2″ pocket of digested / gangrenous pancreas in there, requiring immediate surgery. I have Polaroids!

    My surgeon (Presby Dallas Head pancreatic surgeon, patients from all over the country) told me after the surgery “I’ve seen more advanced cases, but they usually arrive on a stretcher with organ failure, not walk in.” This will give you a whole new perspective.

    I’m just glad I got thru this before ObamaCare kicks in….

  49. SDN – Those gall bladders are worthless, useless, pieces of shit. I am calling mine Baracky. Glad you are alright.

  50. Oh Noes, I just heard. I Hope you are promoted to oatmeal very soon, JD. Please be comfy and have the best surgeon and get well soon.

  51. Baracky the superfluous, full of rocks

  52. He is going to make your liver work. Also pay its student loans.

  53. Does a gall bladder have anything to do with giblets? I need to know before Thanksgiving. Thanks.

  54. Speedy recovery to you, JD. Also, here’s hoping that maybe the smokin’ hot nurse can give you a sponge bath. Don’t tell the better half I said that.

  55. Another new really really really hot nurse. I think someone is playing a trick on me …

  56. Have your appendix go next. You may onto something here. Of course are they really hot? Or is that the dilaudin talking? Are there dilaudin goggles?

  57. Hmm… is there a Dilaudid equivalent of beer goggles?


  58. Great minds, OI. Great minds.

  59. I knew somebody was going to say it. I’m glad I finally beat someone to the punch. We’ll have to have JD take pix with his phone and we can be the judge if there is actually a thing called dilaudid goggles or not. We can be like wingmen for him.

  60. Morphine never made my nurses prettier. It did make my surgeons richer, though.

  61. Another new really really really hot nurse.

    And you’re on the all-male-nurse floor.

    Good drugs.

    Get well dude. Bile is such a terrible thing to waste.

  62. TaiChiWawa, I think it’s the fugu gallbladders you’ve got to worry about, not the turkey ones. But heck, unless you’re field dressing that turkey no worries anyhows.

  63. Maybe you could ask your bh if she could tell you whether they are hot or not. You could perhaps get a free “I am on drugs” pass…

    Not exactly related, but my husband just got his collar bone put back together after a motorcycle accident and in recovery he kept telling the nurse how pretty her hair is. It was really, really cute, actually. Mostly because later on he didn’t remember doing it.

  64. Dilaudid goggles. Brilliant. This one is hot enough that Better Half was bothered by it. I think my trying to get Better Half to leave bothered her. Sponge bath here I come !!!!!!!

  65. Yay, JD!

  66. Sponge bath here I come !!!!!!!

    JD? If you’re all through with that speculum, you won’t mind if I gouge my mind’s eye out with it, right?

  67. When the drugs wear off and you come to the crashing realization that your “smoking hot nurse” looks like Madeline Albright after a woodpecker attack … what then?


  68. Y’all are making my day so much more pleasant.

  69. al: Use the wooden tongue depressors. Recycle your minds eye’s tools.


  70. Is this the first “Blogging Bedside Comfort” moment in history?


    That’s blowin’ my mind man.

  72. Man, JD, get better soon!

    Really. There are cheeseburgers calling your name. It’s not the drugs, either.

  73. I thought apostrophes were my friend. ;-(

  74. No dilaudid goggles. I had a gay dude as a murse the first night. He was a riot.

  75. Now, when you say you “had” a gay dude…

  76. Hey JD, that gall bladder thing sucks big time…although the Dilaudid is always fun~twice as fun as heroin, 6 times more powerful than morphine (it isn’t actually a synthetic, its a morphine derivative; just don’t take it for too long…in retrospect, 7 years is too long). Cholelithiasis, yeck. Good thing to get fixed prior to pancreatic involvement. And airplanes are a bad place to pass a gallstone, just for future reference.

    Good luck, and get well soon.

  77. No dilaudid goggles. I had a gay dude as a murse the first night. He was a riot.

    They’re still rioting? Prop 8 really fucked with their minds…er…nevermind. Get well soon, JD. No one tells people to STFU the way you do!

  78. Good luck and get better, JD.

  79. JD – Better Half may not worry about the male nurses but you might. For some reason they like to give the male patients sponge baths. Perks them right up, IYKWIMAITTYD.

    Enjoy the drugs while you can, then back to the program you pussy.

    Get well.

  80. Best Wishes and get well soon, JD

    And let us know if you have any visions of the coming brave new America while you’re on the happy juice…

    Or maybe just some more descriptive visons of those babelicious nurses!

    Hope you feel better…

  81. Well, dammnit. That sucks. All the best JD. Here’s hoping to a speedy recovery.
    Will this, in any way, effect your ability to imbibe alchaholic spirits?

  82. JD, get well and enjoy the involuntary vacation and Jello. I had my gall bladder out, and–I’m a girl; I don’t know if that makes a difference, here–it was all smooth sailing after a couple of days. The for-those-who-are-not-doctors explanation I was given is that, without a gall bladder to intercept the bad stuff that made those stones, the fat just goes flying through to where it should have been in the first place. No more risk of gall-bladder attacks! Best preventive surgery ever.

  83. Rusty – I no longer drink.

    daleyrocks – i feel guilty for enjoying the painkillers, but will enjoy them while I can.

    Just found out that I will be back under the knife at 8 tomorrow morning.

    Bob – 5 foot 6 or 7 inches tall. Heart shaped ass kind of hidden under those nursing smocks. 28-30 years old. BOOBIES! to die for. I think her face is quite pretty, but I keep staring at her chest.

  84. If she’s the one giving you the sponge bath, we know you’ll do the gallant thing and offer to return the favor, right?

    Good luck with the surgery and get well soon.

  85. Kelly – I am a giver like that ;-)

  86. Touching. Just…touching.

  87. Y’all are making the time go by so much quicker. Thanks. And, STFU nishit and sniffles.

  88. Isn’t bile black?


  89. So this guy gets a boner that won’t drop. At the hospital they say all they can do is put him in a room with Penthouses and Jergens hand lotion.

    On the way to his room, he sees a guy across the hall getting a blowjob for the same ailment. “So, what’s up with that?”

    “Different health insurance.”


  90. JD, they put me on the morphine on demand option, which meant I controlled the dosage. And they told me to mash it as often as possible about 30 minutes before dressing changes. Good drugs!

  91. If he’s lost his gall and bile, doesn’t he need to change parties?

  92. JD. Keep the gallstones. Buy a slingshot. There’s another election coming along…

  93. Heavens! Let’s hope not!

    Get well soon, JD.

  94. Durnit.

    #93 is for #91 GMG!

  95. When bile is coming out of your nose from vomiting so much due to too much grape mad dog and t-bird, it’s a bluish green. And it smells of musty shoes.

  96. Comment by JD on 11/24 @ 5:13 pm #

    Rusty – I no longer drink.

    Oh.Well then. I’ll just be forced to drink yours.

  97. 2 1/2 Men is great normally, but is even better with a strategically scheduled administration of Dilaudid, proof in and of itself of the goodness of God.

  98. JD

    Just heard, that sucks. Wish we could trade places…

    No really. I’m stuck in a piece of shit motel outside of Michigan City. How do you stab yourself in the gall bladder?

  99. Never mind, I think one of the nice ladies by the ice machine is going to cut my hair. At least I think she’s a barber, she’s carrying a straight razor.

    15 bucks sounds kinda steep though. You think her skinny male friend in the loud coat does nails?

  100. The Dilaudid is not making you sick at all, JD? Man, that’s great. I wish that were the case for me. The only time I got it, immediately my whole body became warm and I felt at peace, but then about 20 minutes later (maybe earlier, maybe later) I was violently throwing up over some poor x-ray tech just trying to get a picture of my lungs. You know Ben Franklin said that, “Beer is proof that God loves us”. That line may need to updated for a more 21st century warm and fuzzy.

  101. Nope, guess he’s going to detail the volvo, he just asked for my keys. Hey, this place might not be so bad!

  102. JD, it’s the leftists who have a lot of gall….how did you get mixed up in this thing?

    Best wishes for a speedy recovery, my buddy. Need you back in the saddle as we take on the next wave. I used to own a company that made nuclear drugs…those are the best kind. Get well soon.

  103. OI – after the initial rush, I get the feeling of warmth, and then a sense of peace that lasts 2 hours, when it is time to start all over.

    LMC – I suggest that you talk to them in street slang. Call them bro or something like that. Stop by Indy on your way home, if you are still alive.

  104. Ok that’s a lie.

  105. I feel bad for the nurses. They have to ask me the same questions over and over, with the same answer. Yes, it hurts. No, I do not feel well. Yes, I would like some pain relievers. No, I have not beshat myself.

  106. If you were flown to a world renowned gall bladder specialist in Los Angeles I would bring you persimmon cookies. I need to find out how to “cream shortening and sugar.” It’s very perplexing. The recipe doesn’t list “shortening” as an ingredient. I’m guessing you mush the butter and the sugar together until it gets creamy. Is this something you do kind of at room temperature or is fire involved? This is going to be a culinary adventure but I will conquer the persimmon cookie and then a year form now everyone will be all like are you making those wonderful cookies again this year and I will coyly say maybe… depends on how the persimmons look this year.

  107. oh. *from* now I meant. I forgot I also want to try making those salvadoran quesadilla thingers but I might wait for Christmas for that.

  108. JD,
    Would it be racist if I suggested to you, ever so gently, that perhaps there is a causal connection between your attacks and a certain little event that occurred a couple of Tuesdays ago, actually, on November 4th?

  109. Yes Happy, creaming shortening and sugar is done at room temps. I like to start with a fork just mashing, graduating to large, sturdy whisk. you’ll know you’re done when it’s the consistency of heavy butter…that’s the best I can explain it, sorry.

  110. JD? Think happy thoughts and dream of gorgeous nurses, ok? Best wishes you racist.

  111. Yes, ‘feets, just mash the sugar and butter together with a fork until it’s like a paste.

    Heat shouldn’t be necessary unless the butter is cold.

    Here’s a little PSA from our friends at the British Lard Marketing Board.

  112. Thank you Blitz. That helps. It’s exciting I get to use my whisk. I made for real whipped cream once for salmon mousse. I had no faith whatsoever and I though my friend T was messing with me and then something magical happened and it just was whipped cream right there in my little bowl. I forgot about that.

  113. *thought* I meant. Oh. Thanks Spies and also thanks for confirming the butter = shortening hypothesis. This nomenclature tomfoolery is all a Plot to keep me out of their precious baking club but I am determined.

  114. Happy? I’d use shortening. makes a much tenderer (is that a word?) cookie. That’s the way to accolades for the future possible maybe if they look good persimmon cookies at the place you work.

  115. oh. Shortening is different than Crisco right? I think that guy from Minnesota wrote about that once. Lileks. Is this true and does it matter? Is shortening in the refrigerator section?

  116. Got it. Room temp. Crisco has far less trans fats. This is important.

  117. Hey. This is very very cool.

    Although the term has been in use for many years it is now known that shortening works by inhibiting the formation of long protein (gluten) strands in wheat-based doughs. The similarity in terms is entirely coincidental since full understanding of the structure and chemistry of dough is comparatively recent.

    That’s so neat how that happened.

  118. Crisco is what I use, because where I live doesn’t have much else. I have no idea what Lileks wrote about it, but hell, rendered animal fat is rendered animal fat, you know? I have heard about a Brazilian shortening that’s supposed to be the best of the best, but can’t get it around here…Anyway, shortening will make a fluffy, flakey cookie (or pie crust or biscuit or what have you) way better than butter.

  119. Crisco it is then. ok I know I’m pushing it but butter-flavored or regular?

  120. Regular. You don’t EVER want a flavored shortening Happy. What happens is you get addicted to not putting your own signature on the dish, which leads to laziness and missing flavor…

    This way lies madness…

  121. Crisco be vegetable based.

  122. WHAT????……Why are you all looking at me that way?…

    I may enjoy cooking, but I’m still an OUTLAW!!!

    Sadly. without HTML skills…..

  123. I know Pablo, thing is? It works. it’s that or lard

  124. It should be entirely guilt free by now. Let’s send some to JD.

  125. Nah, JD is fully involved in his beef broth/hot nurse diet. Tell you what though? If his BH would send me some Vietnamese food? Hell, I’d be more than willing to reciprocate with pastries and smoked meats.

  126. Merely enjoying good food makes you an outlaw in a world where the ideal is to live on tofu, brown rice, and water, Blitz.

  127. Lard does make awesome baked goods.

  128. Where do I send the Vietnamese food, Blitz? I am going to be needing pastries, sugar, cakes, cookies, tarts, and much raw dead animal when I get out of the hospital.

    Nurses, especially hot ones, do not think jokes about sponge baths are funny.

    8 hours til surgery …

  129. I love brown rice. Weird coincidence. My mom went to the hospital today with maybe pneumonia. It was on my answering machine when I got home. It sounds scary like how her mom died – fluid in the lungs – and about the same age except her mom didn’t go to the hospital she just dropped dead in a mall during Christmas shopping. She’ll be fine I’m not really worried it’s just weird that she has to do this by herself cause dad’s gone and it’s not very thanksgivingy this way. After surgery bh will be there and I appreciate that more than I did this afternoon is all. Ok that’s not sappy at all.

  130. Meaning after your surgery if that wasn’t clear.

  131. Happyfeet – we will keep her, and you, in our prayers.

  132. Thanks, JD. It will be all good I’m sure. Do you get to sleep before surgery or are you sleeped out?

  133. Happy – this lovely little nurse person with the ample bosom is about to add this thing to my IV that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. Then, she will add another something to my IV what assists in my slumber.

  134. aw, nighty-night, JD. get well soon.

  135. Hope you get some rest, JD, and we’re looking forward to hearing from you when you get through it.

  136. Also hope that your mom is better soon, feets.

  137. Thank you Spies. Hey JD are you doing all this on your mobile thinger or is there wifi and a laptop thinger going on? I guess I don’t have to tell you to sleep good. Have you ever noticed on the tv when you’re in a hospital you always always always hear phones ringing in the background? That’s one of those tv things I find very distracting.

  138. Happyfeet – i noticed that during a show this afternoon for the first time. I am posting from my Samsung Instinct. They have wifi, but my cell is faster.

  139. Jings cribbens, JD – hope you get yer innards sorted out. We need all the bitter clingers we can get. And it’s great to see SBP around the place again.

  140. It’s exciting I get to use my whisk

    Rub some into the collars. It does wonders for the rings.

  141. happy, butting in here, but creaming butter and sugar usually requires a hand mixer. You whip the butter (or shortening) and sugar together at highest speed until it is light and fluffy. it is preferable if you can do it while the butter or shortening is cold. makes for the best cookies. keeps them from being too dense. hope your mom is much better soon.

  142. we are pre-heating and then we will be cookies minus 8-10 minutes and thunderbirds will be go I guess. My sister says they will turn into cookie shapes all on their own. I’m dubious.

  143. fail.

  144. Sorry folks, but didn’t know where else to put this…

    JD – Hope your surgery went well, said a small prayer for you last night. The food goes to any charity you choose, I’ll send you whatever you desire, but need an email thinger. (btw, it’ll be made with lard)

    Spies – If Baracky does what I think he’s going to do with the UN? Tofu is straight out. Brown rice and water if you’re a party member. If not? water and mustard greens…which ain’t bad with a little vinegar and butter actually, but it’s a shame there won’t be any butter…

    Lyndsey -I have to disagree. while doing the butter/shortening/crisco cold does have it’s merits? it’s the next step that’s important. the WATER added to a dough should be ice cold. The creaming process adds heat,pretty much negating the “cold (fat)” idea.Been cooking a long time kid, longer than I’d care to admit.

    Happy? I saved you for last scarecrow…God bless and keep your mom. I will say a prayer for her tonight,and ask others to do so also.

    What does “fail” mean? The cookies didn’t work?? shpes didn’t work? What happened?

  145. Thanks Blitz. All good so far. JD too. He gives some details in the comments. They let him go home. Fail was we decided I didn’t use enough shortening cause I didn’t pack it into the measuring cup right. They were just cakey and not very interesting at all. I ate em though. I might try again but I think I’ll move on to the salvadoran quesadilla thing and maybe go back to the cookies later. I learned a lot so that’s good.

  146. Thanks HF.

  147. Pingback: Patterico’s Pontifications » A Get Well Card