August 11, 2008

Shannon Elizabeth comments on John Edwards’ affair and its potential fallout for the Democratic convention and Dem delegates

Elizabeth: “I met John-John when he was still as Senator, but to be honest, I was so high on X that all I recall from the evening was his inviting me over to ‘the other America,’ where, if memory serves, he was going to dress me up like a naughty asian housekeeper and spank me ‘deliciously’ with a vacuum cleaner cord. Which, that’s okay in the other America, even if you’re married — especially when your wife is at home in the first America with a bucket by her bed, resting up from chemo.

“Unfortunately, what isn’t allowed in this other America is doing a shot of flaming Ouzo and then throwing up chorizo and eggs into the Senator’s hair. That, I found, will have you quickly shuttled off to a Lincoln Towncar by serious looking men in dark suits, and dropped outside of one of those North Carolina indie rock bars, only to find yourself awakened the next morning by two naked Indigo Girls fingering your swollen nipples with a guitar pick. Not that there’s anything wrong with that…”

Posted by Jeff G. @ 1:16pm
86 comments | Trackback

Comments (86)

  1. Who do you have to kill to get a pic around here?

  2. Strange. After reading this a couple of times, I still can’t decide which of these two Americas I rather live in.

    So I agree with Hoodlumman. We need pictures.

  3. I refuse to live in an American where throwing up into a pool of AquaNet is a crime.

    GIVE ME LIBERTY OR GIVE ME…PIE!

  4. Edwards really screwed the pooch I think. I bet he does Oprah. If I were him I’d do Oprah. While that Elizabeth chick is still alive so she can help sell it, preferably. Probably sooner rather than later would be a good idea. I wouldn’t wait til I had a book to pimp.

  5. It’s crummy to keep that little kid from his sister and brothers is what I think.

  6. Let’s face it. Vomiting chorizo into a fluffy water-soluble plasticized pompadour would be a tad messy to clean up. Which way was he facing when that happened?

  7. And say, HF, what about Jerry Springer? He could have John and Elizabeth together on the same show, and maybe that neighbor guy she said she didn’t like living near because he had shotguns could do a surprose guest shot?

  8. Well, what do you know, she really is still hot. Edwards? Not so much. Great hair tho.

  9. I’m not so sure about Edwards doing Oprah, though at this point he may as well. Would Steadman approve?

    Oh, wait, you meant go on her show. Never mind.

  10. oh hey. We has nipples now.

  11. They are swollened.

  12. Which America was the indie rock bar in?

    Where would that put the Indigo girls? I nipplonia?

  13. Cranky, you beat me to it. That’s what I get for actually trying to get work done instead of hanging around here. Not that you guys don’t work on the side, of course.

    Edwards should definitely not do Oprah, but Montel (or however he spells it).

    Shannon Elizabeth will always be hot, even though she refused to do nude scenes so we’d think of her as a respectable actress.

  14. I’m still lobbying for a debate between Shannon Elizabeth and Megyn Kelley’s nipples. You could call it “The View.”

  15. Salt lick is denounced, unless there is glass-cutting involved. I would like to see that.

  16. My first denouncement. Thank you, SarahW, thank you.

    But I think the glass-cutting would be a better fit for “Home Improvement.”

  17. Ouzo goes much better with lamb. I could have told Shannon this, if she had only bothered to ask me.

  18. He who is without sin cast the first stone. If I recall McCain did the same thing (affair with another woman when his wife was ill). He is running for President. How about that? Is it OK for a Republican to do that but not for a Democratic?

  19. Yvonne-

    If I recall correctly from the Republican Handbook it all depends on if your’e a social values Republican or one that only supports the party on economic and national security issues. My remembrance is that the social issue types may have affairs, but may only do so in the missionary position. Us economic guys on the other hand have a pretty clear playing field.

  20. Well, Yvonne, there’s no love lost for McCain here . But let’s face it — one affair is a bit more topical about now, wouldn’t you agree.

  21. I agree with Yvonne. Cast aside that everyone in America thinks Silky P is a cad fag and that his wife is a over-fed beefer on her way to heaven’s stockyards, and what’s the difference?

  22. Well, there is that whole “Father of the Year Award” thing, which I don’t think McCain ever got.

  23. I think Edwards is what he said he was, self-centered and narcisstic. And as far as eveyone in America, at least 200 million of them called and said they agreed with me, no mention of a cad fag or over-fed beefer.

  24. The thing is Yvonne, McCain didn’t do it while running for president.

    But then, whats 30-40 years, right?

  25. Yvonne’s manner of non-judgement is what gave Detroit Kwame for a second term. His personal use of city credit cards, giving his wife a Navigator on the city’s dime … not to even mention in the infamous “party” … plus a ton of little shit that insiders knew about. But, NO … people forgave him.

    He’s OUR boy – KWAME 06!

  26. Personally, I overcame my narcissism and intentionally remained wholly unattractive to members of the opposite sex. 33 years and not a single affair (YET).

    Love ya, snookums.

  27. That’s peachy bergerbilder, but life begins at 34.

  28. Carin-

    I believe Kwame is African-American which leaves me no choice but to denounce you for your thoughtless boy comment. When people get away with the shit this guy has gotten away with new descriptives need to be born.

  29. I was hoping someone would denounce me, for the fun of it, but it cannot stick because I was quoting his campaign posters. CONSIDER ME UN-DEOUNCED.

  30. Here’s an extra “n”. You know what I meant. bitches.

  31. Rick, I think he meant he’s been married for 33 years. But, many of us do manage to remain faithful to our spouses. Of course, I don’t have that silky hair, which must drive the new-age chicks WILD. Honestly, what chance did silky pony have? He must have been beating them off with a stick. rawr.

  32. Ah, 34. As old Blue Eyes would say, it was a very good year. Which reminds me – save the earth, inflate your tires!

  33. You know what I meant. bitches.

    I wasn’t sure, you could have been switching to metric and back.

  34. wasn’t sure, you could have been switching to metric and back.

    As if. I know a kilometer is .6 miles, but beyond that I’m lost.

  35. Carin-

    It doesn’t matter. I’ve been married 130 years and still believe life begins at 34. Of course if bergbilder had said 34 I would have said 35. Youth is wasted on the young don’t you know.

  36. Life begins at FORTY. It’s like the new thirty or something.

  37. Carin-

    If you used .6 k’s to a mile in the wrong place you could get in serious trouble. A kilometer is 5/8′ ths of a mile except if your’e drinking German beer in which case the inverse works better.

  38. Well, it was simply the general rule I used while running. A 10 K is 6.2 miles, right?

  39. Life begins at forty! Right. I think this saying was thought up by people that were really depressed turning 40. I, on the other hand, had one of the best days of my life. My wife hired bagpipers and a a guy in a gorilla suit that did some weird shit in my front yard that scared all the neighbors, then we went to dinner with a bunch of friends including my attorney. The next day my lawyer sent all of the attendees a letter threating a libel suit. Good times. But didn’t compare to my 50th.

  40. 5/8 ths is 6.25. Which is about 6 more than I would consider running unless being threatened with bodily injury.

  41. SCOTUS says life begins at 39. But I think that’s weeks.

  42. HF,

    I may be old, but aren’t “nipples” something you can buy at Bill’s Bait Shop on your way to go fishing?

    I don’t know. I might be a tad confused here. But in my old age,I have come to think of the really good ones as bait. And pinching them just makes it worse.

    Just ask John Edwards.

  43. I think that reeks too. I’ve got four. All grown and it’s pay back time. Love it when they ask for child rearing advice and I tell them to search their concsience. At this point I’ve forgiven them all their youthful indescretions, but still like to fuck with their formally evil little minds.

  44. Lost Dog-

    I’ve been to Bill’s Bait Shop and he sold Ripple. An excellent wine in the right vintage. And I saw a guy try to pinch some one time and Bill beat the living shit out of him. I think I remember nipples in an entirely different way. Maybe a geographical difference. Where you from?

  45. Oh yeah.

    Carin,

    I have silky hair too, but I leave it as smarmy and greasy as possible so the New Age womyn will stay far away. I wash my hair in bacon grease. I just don’t want to take the chance that they might catch me at a weak moment.

    I mean, really. I have enough problems in my life without having to go to Universal Dance classes to keep my stones from being busted.

    Plus, my bed sucks.

    Among other things…

  46. Lost Dog-

    You need to go to a store where they sell those sleep number beds that Rush is always talking about. They are so expensive that the salespeople will let you fuck with them for hours before they run you off. I here the beds are pretty good, but it ain’t the show, it’s the go. I have said this to my wife numerous times and it just pisses her off. Go figure.

  47. I often confuse here and hear. Probably why I don’t like going to the movies anymore.

  48. Rick,

    I am from the 60′s and 70′s, and, let me tell you, there has been a huge surfeit of nipples in my life. And most of them were attached to some really bad news (SEXIST! I denounce myself!).

    I am just an old fart now, and tend to see whoever is carrying those parts around, instead of just the parts. There’s a good joke about that, but I think even at PW, I would become a pariah if I were to commit it to writing. I’m sure this cuts both ways, but I have become very careful about who I would ever try to take the clothes off of. And vice versa.

    And I mean VERY careful.

    It’s much more fun as an old fart to make fun of everybody.

    I had much more than my share of fun, but when the hormones start to recede, you simultaneously start to grow new eyes. Much smarter eyes, at that.

    I don’t judge whatever anyone wants to do (except for people who tell me how I shoud think), but I am where my life has taken me. And I’m glad that I don’t spend days trying to take some lunatic woman’s clothes off because I want to see…well, you know.

    It was fun, but…

  49. Silkypony can haz extra-marital sexpodtime with mediababe because he’s a Madlibâ„¢

  50. Rick,

    Sleep Number?

    I F’ing wish.

    My wife got the toaster oven, microwave, Sony TV, the Dell, the Certa, and everything else that was worth more than five dollars.

    I got whatever fell off the back of the truck.

    AAAAHHHHH! Life’s lessons, eh?

  51. Carin-

    I have like baby fine hair, so I envy you. But, if I might say I also have baby fine pubic hair, which I think is really interesting. I have often thought of having it styled, maybe in an Afro, or maybe a duckbill(just lost everyone under about 58). But then again that may be vain and narcisstic and if I did that I couldn’t make fun of totally self-centered assholes like Edwards and Obama. Life is a never ending compromise between right and wrong, between pride and modesty, morality and the abyss of decadence and hedonism. You know, it ought to be like when we were kids, skins and shirts and fucking humiliation on both sides.

  52. Lost Dog-

    She didn’t get everything did she? Besides, you probably never figured out the toaster oven and microwave anyway. The Sony and the Dell are soon going to be out of warranty, right? Think of it this way(I do)she has lost the benefit of exposure to a keen mind and a lovely disposition(I don’t care if it sounds gay, I mean it). On the other hand it behooves all mankind to have a lawyer as a drinking buddy. If he is a divorce attorney always pick up the tab. Write if off on your income taxes as a mandatory insurance expense. Then pray for a male auditor.

  53. Pappy also told me, “Son, don’t ever dip your pole in another man’s pond.”

  54. Bergerbilder-

    I’m sure your Pappy spoke with a German accent, so what he was probably saying was something derogatory about the Polish people. My wife is Polish, I love her more than life it’s onself, but think that Polish jokes are one of the most intelligent forms of modern expression. I mean if you don’t appreciate that a Polish ten is a four with a six pack under her arm, you have no appreciation for the literary art form.

  55. That subsitution for if for it in my post above was more likely subliminal. I’ve been to a lot of those liberal touchy feely seminars in my life, the ones where if you lose it and say fuck or something like that they make out like your’e a total moron and ask to you leave, which is what I wanted to do in the first place. The moral of this story is, if someone makes you feel uncomfortable it is because they were trying to. Your first impression was right, they are total losers and your’e OK. Get the hell out of there. How this ties to if for it is totally subliminal, pay no attention.

  56. But, if I might say I also have baby fine pubic hair, which I think is really interesting.

    At the risk of contradicting myself, I find that interesting too. Mine is blonde though, which led to much agonizing during puberty. I had never seen or heard of blonde pubic hair, so I thought I was an alien for many years, and refused to take a shower after gym class. I actually thought that it meant I was gay (or “queer”, as it was called back then).

    See how easily I am led astray? That’s why the bacon grease, and the straight garlic powder for breakfast. It can be quite confusing to hit middle aged crazy at 60. That’s what I get for hitting my early twenties during my early forties.

    TMI, I know. I’m just in one of those Lost Dog moods tonight.

  57. Rick,

    Bottom line.

    I have two kids, and I am married to the twelve year old, who is the mother of my eight year old. And I am the combination butler/ATM in her way of seeing life.

    But on the bright side, I am playing with the Oak Ridge Boys in a few weeks. Always a silver lining somewhere…

  58. Yvonne, one more thing. (While running for President.

    Oh, and Mccain’s wife wasn’t sick. She had previously been injured in an auto accident, but she wasn’t sick. Elizabeth is sick, and according to the odds, dying. A little patience would have gone a long way here, but for the narcissism.

  59. Doh! Wrong link.

    Right link.

  60. Yvonne dredges up the Leftcult talking point

    He who is without sin cast the first stone. If I recall McCain did the same thing (affair with another woman when his wife was ill). He is running for President. How about that? Is it OK for a Republican to do that but not for a Democratic?

    Listen you dishonest twatwaffle… THERE IS NO COMPARISON. Was a lobotomy required to get your Geniune Progressive Gold Card with benefits(tm)?

    One huge difference… I mean besides it being over 25 years ago? McCain has taken full and upfront responsibility for it “I was a jerk”. And never engaged in the behavior since.

    I am on my last nerve with moral morons like you.

  61. Yvonne: “He who is without sin cast the first stone.”

    I guess it is true — even the devil can quote the Scriptures when it suits his purpose…

    Yvonne: “If I recall McCain did the same thing (affair with another woman when his wife was ill).”

    Decades ago, after five plus years in a Vietnamese prison camp. Do you imagine you could even survive such, let alone return unchanged?

    Yvonne: “He is running for President. How about that? Is it OK for a Republican to do that but not for a Democratic?”

    Did he lie about it for a year on the campaign trail? Did he make his relationship with his dying wife a crown jewel of his campaign? Did he co-opt said dying wife into shilling for his mendaciousness regarding the purity and sanctity of his relationship with said dying wife?

    Yvonne, if you get tired of trying to compare watermelons and bing cherries, they might let you go shag carts at the local Kroger.

  62. Lost Dog-

    I can’t tell you how sorry I am that I brought up that pubic hair thing. I thought it was funny. Been in this postion before, once told a LCB(Liquor Control Board guy) that he was invading our space on the beach(Port Aransas, July 4th weekend when I was 17) he didn’t think I was funny. Go figure, I thought it was fucking hilarious. I lost that one, but not many since. I am at total sympathy with your plight. If I “were married to a twelve year old who is the mother of my eight year old” I might on the other hand establish a web site and start some kind of sect or something. I see by the success of Cruise, Travolta, Madonna and their comtempories that this can be a very lucrative(without the normal profit driven presssures) business. I know that I have always envied the ability of these very successful bullshit artists to make a ton of money without the historical committments of ability, skill, or anything other than pure unadultarated moron worship. But,I degress. I wish you luck with your familial obligations and your mental condition(no offense). I am my brothers keeper, but he lives just a few miles from me, and other than a kinda normal obsession with golf is really a good guy.

  63. Darleen-

    Forgive me for asking, I am truly an immoral moron, but could you define twatwaffle for me. I like the sound of this, but would not wish to offend with an incorrect usage.

  64. oh heck, I’m not the one who coined it here …. Dan, was that you?

    It’s someone being the ultimate in affected, effeminate, proud-in-their-own-ignorance, squishy elitism.

  65. Word is out that the senior Democrat Party officals are staging an “intervention” for Edwards before the DNC Covention in Denver.
    It’s OK if he wants to keep screwing around on his cancer-striken wife, or drinking or doing drugs, but they want him to give up politics cold turkey.

  66. Yvonne-

    Don’t sweat it. Take a day or two, think it over, come back and tell us if I use too many commas in my comments. I have learned this to be seriously important. Your political position on the other hand I would give a little more thought to. I have never heard a more sanctimonious politician than John Edwards. His life story was so self-serving that it deserved derision on its telling. But, the gullible among us bought it. As the gullible do. But, a trial lawyer that channels the soul of dead babies to win a civil suit for large money may not be quite the type of guy that deserved your respect, much less your political support. Your point on McCain might hold some water if it had not followed five years in hell. That kind of experience might have a profound change on anyone. His ex-wife’s statements make it seem so, and I would think she would be the definitive voice in this. After 40 years it would seem fair to give her the same respect that you seem to give to Elizabeth Edwards, Hillary Clinton, etal, after a much shorter time.
    e

  67. And just so Jeff doesn’t think I’ve gotten off track with his post, I don’t think that I ever considered Elizabeth Shannon to be much of a thinker. I may have to rent Show Girls again and give it further study.

  68. Darleen-

    Thanks, not as complicated as I thought. You mean an overeducated liberal of the female peruasion. Right?

  69. males can be twatwaffes too

  70. No, not necessarily a female, Rick. But probably a feminist in the less respectable meaning of the word.

  71. Oh, you people are talking about Alan Alda aren’t you. Well he was great in MASH before he took it over. I’m sorry I was so slow on the uptake, but I still have a problem seperating acting from real life. Kinda like I never saw Rock Hudson or Sean Penn as the flaming gays they are. Well maybe not Rock.

  72. Sean Penn is gay?

    Well…that explains a lot.

  73. From IMDB:

    “Shannon Elizabeth is well trained in Krav Maga – the Israeli hand-to-hand combat system. She trained at the Krav Maga National Training Center in Los Angeles for her role in Tomcats, and she continues to train ever since.”

  74. Lee-

    I never said that. I said I never saw him as a flaming gay that he is. I love the nuances of language, I wish I spoke French. I can just see it, Rick Smith with the ability to say more beyond “Merci Beaucoup”. I mean the O one would just shit don’t you think. I lived half of my life in Germany until I was sixteen, and this sanctimonious
    Marxist want’s to lecture me about learning languages. He was born the son of an expatriate and an underachieving, polygamous, alchoholic, bureaucratic, wannebe. Can’t speak a foreign language, and he wants to lecture his fellow countrymen on their ignorance. The left likes to make Americans feel like they are ignorant of the world, the fact is the only comparison they have is with the elitists in Europe. Those people wouldn’t last a day in Disney World against any red-blooded American kid. They would be spouting their foreigness at the back of the line.

  75. Patrick-

    Elvis was like a 47th degree blackbelt and he died on the toilet. Billy Jack has like a 48th degree purple belt and he is bat-shit crazy. I have a black belt, a brown belt, an oxblood belt, a cowskin like colored belt, and a brown and white belt that I only wear with my Tommy Bahama shirts. It is all I can do to match these belts up each morning with the shoes I am going to wear. I have total respect for those that can live their lives on a simpler plane.

  76. “Shannon Elizabeth is well trained in Krav Maga

    Hear that JD? SPARRING PARTNER!! Whoo Hoo!

    I never said that. I said I never saw him as a flaming gay that he is. I love the nuances of language,

    Oh. *scratches head*

    I guess he’s still inexplicable then…

  77. Rick Smith:

    Gun Kata don’t need no belts. You can fight in medical scrubs if need be.

    Also, it seems that Oprah is a poor choice. Maury Povich might be a better fit. They can run an episode “Cheating on my Dying Wife.” There’s another family broken up by the woman, so there can be some fighting. There can be a dramatic reveal scene where the paternity test results come back.

    Plus, MoPo seems to like dealing exclusively with folks from the south. Just sayin’.

  78. lee – I was thinking the exact same thing. However, I suspect that her nipples alone could take me. Please.

  79. Just how does one make a twatwaffle? Two eggs? Is flour involved? Baking powder? I’m only asking because the air outside this morning actually smells maple-y, so I think the Kroger plant was boiling down maple syrup all night, and the idea of a twatwaffle iron steamingly baking light, fluffy twatwaffles to be smothered in maple syrup…mmmm.

    But here twat refers to female anatomy, so for anyone out there whose twat jargon refers to other, gross parts of the anatomy, never mind.

    Now, titwaffles. Is that something we can all have in common?

  80. Just how does one make a twatwaffle?

    Ingredients vary, but all are half-baked.

  81. We all know that twatwaffle is a racist code-word.

  82. It says a lot about thor in that he fellates Baracky but nary a peep about Shannon’s nipples.

  83. Twatwaffle. Twatwaffle.

    I just love that word! I don’t know exactly what it means, but it rolls on the tongue like fine cognac.

    Speaking of twatwaffles, this a way OT, but I’m watching “Transformers” right now, and here is my take.

    It makes little or no sense, and the cinematography is making me dizzy. I think if I’d seen it in a theater, I would have fallen off my seat and thrown up. I also think that “Twatwaffles” would have been a much better name for this alleged movie.

    And to whoever did coin “twatwaffle” here, I salute you.

  84. JD: “It says a lot about thor in that he fellates Baracky but nary a peep about Shannon’s nipples.”

    Maybe he’s stuck… you get the spatula and I’ll get the crowbar.

  85. Who let the jabberwocies out of their cages?

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