Head to the nearest Home Depot and ask if maybe you can give one of their industrial belt sanders a little test drive. Then, while the clerk in the unpressed orange apron stands frozen in horror, run that fucker along your forehead and temple until hairclumps and pressurized skull dust create a kind of chalky-smelling mist that settles on the wood plank like some gruesome sandstorm.
– After which, turn the thing off and, in your best diplomatic voice, thank the clerk and tell him that you’ll have to go home and think on it.
Hilarity ensues.
Comment by Pablo on 7/3 @ 12:39 pm #
I’ll be right back. This should be a hoot.
Comment by MarkD on 7/3 @ 12:42 pm #
You found a clerk in Home Depot? I thought bigfoot was easier to find.
Comment by wishbone on 7/3 @ 12:50 pm #
Remember, gaping flesh wounds are best treated with hot Lagavulin single malt applied directly to the injury and then sealed with hot asphalt. Always keep a quality single malt and paving materials at the ready.
Comment by N. O'Brain on 7/3 @ 12:56 pm #
“Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite; and furthermore, always carry a small snake.”
-W.C. Fields
Comment by Darleen on 7/3 @ 12:57 pm #
sorry boss
Just got back from HD with a couple of gallons of Behr’s 730E-2, Sparkling Spring. They don’t air condition that streel & strut structure and sweat in scalp wounds sting like the dickens.
Comment by happyfeet on 7/3 @ 12:58 pm #
Hey when you go could you pick me up a bucket? Thanks. Ten gallons would be plenty. Just one of those ones with the really strong handle but that doesn’t bite into your hand. I hate how some of them do that.
Comment by bergerbilder on 7/3 @ 12:59 pm #
Just in case the clerk has already seen the belt sander schtick, could you try something using a nail gun?
Comment by wishbone on 7/3 @ 1:10 pm #
When you just KNOW that it’s going to end well…
“…try something using a nail gun…”
Comment by Kevin B on 7/3 @ 1:13 pm #
I thought Hilarity had ensued herself right off the stage.
(Or was it left off the stage?)
Comment by Tman on 7/3 @ 1:14 pm #
I require additional instruction- should I be using a fine, medium or heavy grit on the sandpaper?
Comment by serr8d on 7/3 @ 1:14 pm #
hmmmm…you want a pshop for that?
animation extra…
Comment by irongrampa on 7/3 @ 1:17 pm #
#10–heavy grit works best.
OT(so sue me) please all have a fine 4th, and during the festivities, please pause for a moment , and thank those who made it possible.
Comment by alppuccino on 7/3 @ 1:19 pm #
I buy all my belts pre-sanded. Less chance of snagging the love-handles.
Comment by The Sanity Inspector on 7/3 @ 1:23 pm #
Ohhh, I get it! At first I thought it was things to do when Denver’s dead!
Comment by Ouroboros on 7/3 @ 1:23 pm #
“…your forehead and temple until hairclumps and pressurized skull dust create a kind of chalky-smelling mist …”
I hate when that happens..
Comment by Jim in KC on 7/3 @ 1:24 pm #
If you want to see them look baffled without injuring yourself, ask for a wire grommet for a steel stud. Might as well come in wearing antennae and asking for the restroom in Martian.
Comment by Jeff G. on 7/3 @ 1:28 pm #
EDITOR’S NOTE: PROFESSIONAL DEAD MAN ON CLOSED COURSE. DO NOT ATTEMPT UNLESS YOU ARE, IN FACT, ALREADY DEAD. LEST YOU SOON BECOME SO.
I like how they do that shit at the bottom of commercials for cars. Always wanted to do it myself. So that’s another check mark on life’s to-do list.
Comment by Percy Dovetonsils on 7/3 @ 1:31 pm #
“If you want to see them look baffled without injuring yourself, ask for a wire grommet for a steel stud. Might as well come in wearing antennae and asking for the restroom in Martian.”
This is Home Depot we’re talking about. I’ve stumped “salespeople” by asking for duct tape.
Comment by happyfeet on 7/3 @ 1:39 pm #
I’ve only been to the Home Depot the one time. Reaper is funny though. I thought for real it was the best new show last year.
Comment by Radish on 7/3 @ 1:40 pm #
I’ve stumped “salespeople†by asking for duct tape.
Did you know you can use that stuff on air ducts? Learned something new last week.
Comment by wishbone on 7/3 @ 1:40 pm #
“I’ve stumped “salespeople†by asking for duct tape.”
You know what will fix that?
Duct tape.
Comment by The Sanity Inspector on 7/3 @ 1:55 pm #
The “humore” in this post offends me. LIFE-ISTS!
Comment by The Sanity Inspector on 7/3 @ 1:56 pm #
Stutterfingers. *sigh*…
Comment by mojo on 7/3 @ 1:57 pm #
My friend Vinnie Two-tone tells me your post is, in his inimitable phrasing, “complete fuckin’ bullshit”. Seems the flesh and blood gum up the sanding belt something awful.
I thought about asking how he came by this tid-bit of information, but then thought better of it. Some things are better left unknown.
Comment by happyfeet on 7/3 @ 1:59 pm #
Where is Mr. Obstreperous Infidel and also MayBee? I look and look but I do not see them anywhere. wishbone is back though. That’s not nothing.
Comment by Jim in KC on 7/3 @ 2:00 pm #
Duct tape is great for torturing cats. Stick it to their paws.
For actual air ducts, the peel and stick aluminum shit works a lot better.
Comment by lee on 7/3 @ 2:01 pm #
Obviously Vinnie missed that it was an industrial belt sander.
Those are the ones that laugh at flesh and blood.
Comment by Jim in KC on 7/3 @ 2:03 pm #
One of my uncles wrapped all his Christmas presents in that peel and stick aluminum crap one year. Few things say “Merry f’n Christmas” quite like having to open your presents with tin snips.
Comment by Ouroboros on 7/3 @ 2:04 pm #
I agree with Vinnie. Better to do this thing with a handheld rotary tool with a course grinding tip ..
Comment by Salt Lick on 7/3 @ 2:10 pm #
After this post, Jeff may have reached a new Lowes.
Comment by A fine scotch on 7/3 @ 2:15 pm #
Jim in KC,
That might the greatest idea for wrapping paper ever! I am so stealing that.
Comment by BJTexs on 7/3 @ 2:20 pm #
Heh on commercial warnings. My favorite was the Honda(?) ad and the volcano.
DO NOT ATTEMPT DRIVING YOUR CAR INTO AN ACTIVE VOLCANO AND RISK HAVING IT SPEW YOU A GREAT DISTANCE!
I felt as though I should have sent a thank you card to someone.
Comment by dicentra on 7/3 @ 2:38 pm #
You found a clerk in Home Depot?
Hey, they’re easy to find when you’re browsing through the PVC. But when it comes time to ask where to find waterproof putty stuff, fuggedaboutit.
Comment by serr8d on 7/3 @ 2:45 pm #
“Did you know you can use that stuff on air ducts?”
Well, only the special bright silvery kind. Regular duct tape, just for Christmas presents and vinyl couch repair.
Comment by Lamontyoubigdummy on 7/3 @ 2:47 pm #
Comment by Salt Lick on 7/3 @ 2:10 pm #
After this post, Jeff may have reached a new Lowes.
Booooooooo!
Hey, can you make beer in a paint shaker?
Comment by Lamontyoubigdummy on 7/3 @ 2:52 pm #
“You found a clerk in Home Depot?”
You know what’s fun? Find a clerk, ask him to go get something heavy, inconvienient, and akwardly shaped (like lumber… or prog hero if he’s in the store).
Then hide from him.
Comment by lee on 7/3 @ 3:00 pm #
Comment spam:
# How Do I Increase My Cum on California Fires  who do I get to bitchslap first? [Darleen Click]
I think it has something to do with getting all hot…
Comment by Silver Whistle on 7/3 @ 3:01 pm #
Jeff,
You haven’t just cut your head while shaving it, have you?
Comment by Darleen on 7/3 @ 3:31 pm #
Regular duct tape, just for Christmas presents and vinyl couch repair.
Or parking rambuctious rugrats on the wall about 2 feet off the ground.
Comment by Karl on 7/3 @ 3:32 pm #
Yeah, at our lunch, Jeff had said he was looking to get rid of the hair again, but I would think there were more practical ways to go about it.
That being said, if the sander did not contain a warning that it was no good for hair removal, I’m sure you could find some lawyer to file a nuisance suit for some crazy go-away cash.
Comment by Silver Whistle on 7/3 @ 3:41 pm #
Karl,
Talk to you later – I’m off to the garage to check out some power tools.
Comment by Jim in KC on 7/3 @ 3:42 pm #
Yeah, Darleen, that’s a good idea. If I was smart I’d start taking a roll with me every time we go out to eat. I bet the restaurant patrons not related to the rugrats in question would pay my tab…
Comment by nishizonoshinji on 7/3 @ 4:08 pm #
did some one say……naiiiiil gun?
if you’ve already seen that WKUK, you might like mountain of chairs.
;)
Comment by nishizonoshinji on 7/3 @ 4:11 pm #
nail gun
Comment by Aldo on 7/3 @ 4:23 pm #
Hey Nishi!
I hope you won’t be setting off fireworks tomorrow. Somehow Nishi and explosives just seems like a bad combination.
Comment by serr8d on 7/3 @ 4:27 pm #
Well, Nishi, that’s another thread-killer.
You have +5 vs. normalcy…
Comment by happyfeet on 7/3 @ 5:07 pm #
That was dark, that mountain of chairs.
Comment by N. O'Brain on 7/3 @ 5:13 pm #
Duct tape is like the force.
It has a light side, it has a dark side, and holds the universe together.
Comment by Rob Crawford on 7/3 @ 5:55 pm #
Bad for who?
Comment by nishizonoshinji on 7/3 @ 5:57 pm #
Jeff, i put the Bat Signal out for you on this thread.
those guyz are in dire need of an Intentionalist with your street cred.
They are trying to figure out what O! means when he says he’s “a Christian”.
Comment by nishizonoshinji on 7/3 @ 5:59 pm #
feets, either it is all ok to make fun of, or none of it is.
do you think Jeff likes WKUK?
Comment by happyfeet on 7/3 @ 6:02 pm #
I like WKUK. It’s just my heart hurt for that woman and that poor little boy. I don’t think either of them know what it means to be loved, and that’s very sad.
Comment by happyfeet on 7/3 @ 6:10 pm #
Oh. *knows* I think that should be. I’m not sure if Jeff likes sketch comedy really. He’s more of a humorous vignette kind of guy sometimes. I don’t know. He has moods.
Comment by Blitz on 7/3 @ 6:33 pm #
True story re: Home Depot employees.
This Sunday, I was shopping for a new large charcoal/wood grill.
We found what we were lookin for, and I asked an employee to help me put it in my cart.(it weighs more than me, call me a wimp if you want) He said he wasn’t allowed to.
Ok, so my daughter and I looked all over for one of those tram/trolley thingies? You know, them what have a low platform for easy moving of heavy shit. We found none. SO…into the cart it goes, right?
NOPE…it went to my waist fine, but my foot went one way and my leg went the other, dislocating my hip.(I didn’t know that at the time)
I yelled loudly unfortunately “FUCK ME” at the pain of it, and was immediately surrounded by security and employees, none of whom, even though they could SEE me limping even asked if I was ok… They simply marched me to checkout. was in the ER the next morning. so yeah, Home depot is a place for morons.
Comment by happyfeet on 7/3 @ 6:41 pm #
Oh. Maybe they should call it Retard Depot or something.
Comment by happyfeet on 7/3 @ 6:44 pm #
And also I hope your hip is located better. That sounds really bad actually. I didn’t get whether you bought the grill or not.
Comment by Blitz on 7/3 @ 7:02 pm #
Happy, yeah I got the grill…and put it together today (YAY)…the docs put it back in that morning, and I’m supposed to stay off it, but there’s a shop to run, so yeah…
Comment by Blitz on 7/3 @ 7:04 pm #
Oh, they put my hip back in, not the grill..and I’ve never been ON a grill so to speak so you know what I mean
Comment by happyfeet on 7/3 @ 7:11 pm #
Well have a good fourth there. If you want to be trendy there’s this thing here at least where everyone wants to stick stuff on sugar cane spears before they grill it. Oh. Here’s an article on it from the WaPo, so I guess it’s not just a here thing. Me just give me a burger or whatever.
Comment by Blitz on 7/3 @ 7:24 pm #
With ya HF…although I prefer beer can chicken and some roasted corn, eggplant(marinated) and onion…let me tell you sometime about grilled twice baked potatos!! Then theres the whole mushroom thingy…grilled portabellos??WOW
Comment by narciso on 7/3 @ 7:46 pm #
That reminds me of one of the LOL posters of Rachel Lucas’s sight; paraphrasing “17 people, still dead”
and her answer is “Death, It’s Permanent”
Comment by Pablo on 7/3 @ 8:31 pm #
Oh, great. Now you tell me.
Ow.
Comment by easyliving1 on 7/3 @ 8:59 pm #
Much like Chip in Talladega Nights, I simply cannot hold my tongue any longer; you people are why Jeff doesn’t blog anymore (than this).
You’re all cheap fucks.
Let’s just say if anyone here understood Basic Economics (by one T. Sowell) Jeff would be paid an average of $30-40 per regular reader. A Limbaugh-like business model. Jeff could make 6 figures off of PW and offshoots as yet to be named.
The readers are there dumbshits, it’s the fucking internet. The money’s there. The business model is there.
Where’s Jeff?
He’s busy, as he should be, doing things more profitable- and of course raising a family.
Where are his readers?
Where’s your wallet?
Comment by McGehee on 7/3 @ 9:11 pm #
I think I left mine at Home Depot.
Comment by nishizonoshinji on 7/3 @ 9:16 pm #
hehe, i pays for my bandwidth
ask Jeff
i even gave him a south american armadillo.
Comment by easyliving1 on 7/3 @ 9:16 pm #
We all must understand that I, as an informal (in fact a completely unaffiliated- in the most absolute senses of the terms) fundraisor for PW, cannot contribute any said funds, implied or otherwise, as to not impune my (anonymous) objectivety in any way.
I thank you, as does Home Depot.
Comment by easyliving1 on 7/3 @ 9:22 pm #
I’ve often thought a true sign, heh, of inteligence is the capacity to make up words.
Philosophically, it’s just gotta be sound.
In defense of poor spelling, with a Darwinian Quark Postmodernism, I am, in fact, saving “civilization” from itself via facxxsist grammar.
Comment by McGehee on 7/5 @ 7:36 am #
If true, then the very trait proggs use to make fun of GWB, is actually a sign that he’s a frickin’ genius.
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