November 12, 2007

Back in Colorado

Our flight out of Santa Barbara — a nice 1:52 direct shot to DIA — was canceled yesterday afternoon when some kind of warning light flared up during taxiing for takeoff.

So instead of getting home at a reasonable hour, my wife and I were obligated to visit the airport in San Jose, and from there, catch a flight back to Colorado.

All of which has left me exhausted, particularly when the three days of boozing and banquet food is factored in. In fact, my liver, could it speak, would likely try to spit out some plaintive note of pathos — a wistful condemnation of the trappings of a libertine lifestyle that nevertheless betrayed a clear yearning for its hedonistic purity — only to manage instead nothing but a low gurgle, before vomiting up blood and enough Islay bog peat to pack Sean Connery’s steam bath.

I will break down the various speeches — and offer a critique of the conference itself, including our trip to the Reagan ranch — but not until my head is completely free of recirculated compressed air and whatever it is they put in that tiny bag of complementary airline pretzels that acts like heavily salted peyote.

Although by way of a tease, I will say this: I think I may have convinced “24″ creator Joel Surnow to set up a Chris Makepiece / Jack Bauer showdown.

At least, I pitched it. If he’s too blinkered to see the genius of pitting a couple of Canadians against one another in brutal hand to hand combat for the enjoyment of a slackjawed US audience, then fuck him, and fuck the cynical, predictable Hollywood establishment.

Otherwise, call me, Joel. We’ll do lunch.

Posted by Jeff G. @ 10:06am
59 comments | Trackback

Comments (59)

  1. Not everyone has your vision Jeff.

  2. Or, his liver …

  3. Hey, Bauer! You owe me a year’s worth of lunch money. And 24 hours back.

  4. Welcome back, Jeff.

    I may yet be persuaded to watch “24″, someday, I suppose. With a set jaw, and Frank Zappa close at hand…

  5. I misread the tease as “Chris Matthews / Jack Bauer showdown.” I’d pay to see that.

  6. Would that be with or without Adam Baldwin?

  7. Chris Makepeace has Chuck Norris on his side. Bauer doesn’t stand a chance.

  8. I would pay to see Chuck Norris kick Steven Seagal’s ass, to be sure.

  9. Steven Seagal’s ass just might be too big for Norris to handle, these days.

  10. “Steven Seagal’s ass just might be too big for Norris to handle, these days.”

    And judging by his latest movie, I expect his face to explode any minute now.

  11. Lemme know if you need pages, dude.

    I mean, it’s not like a “24″ script would be hard to toss together on short notice, is it?

  12. I’ve got liver envy. And those pecs — those sexy, powerful pecs — could bench-press the world.

  13. I’ll be in my bunk…

  14. Amateurs

  15. I wouldn’t let Keith nail Rosie even if he was snorting the ashes of his dead gay son, not that there is anything wrong with that.

  16. JD: My advise would be to hire Chuck Norris and Steven Seagal and have them convince Jack Bauer that Adam Vinatieri is a terrorist and deserves some down and dirty interrogation. They’ll help, of course.

    Oh, wait! You’ve already considered this and it’s not nasty enough???

  17. BJ – Regardless of how we choose to classify him, one can have no doubt that Vinatieri is a mole, a plant, someone that has infiltrated the organization with a desire to corrode from within. He has missed more extra points and chip shot field goals this year than he has missed in his career, and I believe last night was the first clutch kick he has ever missed.

    In response to the above, given the miss last night, that is not nearly nasty enough. He should be forced to not only film, but star in a porno with Mama Sheenhan, Sen. Feinstein, Hillary, and Rep. Pelosi. If the thought of those stretch marks and fat rolls is not enough to make him confess and repent, then he is clearly a robot, programmed to do bad things.

  18. Canadians do angst really really well. I admire that about them.

  19. I wouldn’t let Keith nail Rosie …

    Yeah, but I’m sorry, the liver doesn’t get to make that call. The Boys are in charge of that one, and who knows what The Boys will do, when the liver is working overtime.

  20. Yeah, but I’m sorry, the liver doesn’t get to make that call

    Not in my house they’re not. I make all the calls.

    Like calling Pussy Galore, … well Pussy Galore. For shorting banks and getting long oil/gold. Oh and also for calling Broc (Al Brocolli) and telling him to dump that Bronsnan queer for a real convincing Bond actor.

  21. Oh and Rosie? That looks like a woman’s gun.
    (Monkeypenny, Repeat the shteam bath)

  22. I think the bodygaurd is on CHUCK. and still bodygaurding.

  23. obligated to visit the airport in San Jose

    Oh hell. Though I’ve only ever even been there for about three hours (…I think), I feel the urge to apologize.

    What I learned there: “What’s New, Pussycat?” is the only Burt Bacharach song that can really get stuck in your head for days.

    (If that looks like a non sequitur, add drugs that sustain the giddiness of severe fatigue indefinitely. Then add drugs. Drugs, too.)

  24. “Steven Seagal’s ass just might be too big for Norris to handle, these days.”

    Blasphemy. Nothing is too big for Chuck Norris. Or too fast.
    Chuck Norris doesn’t dodge bullets, bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

  25. Dig me up boys! I eat livers like Keith Richard’s for breakfast.

  26. In soviet russia, liver fails you!

    /got nothin’
    //welcome back Jeff.

  27. There must be 50 ways to leave your liver.

  28. I left my liver at the bottom of a keg of Jaegermeister.

  29. Makepeace

  30. What? No reference to Van Damm?

  31. Nothing is too big for Chuck Norris.

    Dude. Have you seen Steven Seagal’s ass, these days? We’re talking Death Star-sized, here.

  32. I teleported home one night
    with Ron and Sid and Meg.
    Meg stole Rodney’s heart away,
    and I got Sidney’s leg.

  33. liver, schmiver.

    What’s REALLY neat is when kidneys start sending out grape juice. It can be accomplished with blood thinners, but it’s much more fun to do it with alcohol.

    And I thought peeing unreconstituted orange juice was scary…

  34. That sounds really kind of grim.

  35. Dude. Have you seen Steven Seagal’s ass, these days? We’re talking Death Star-sized, here.

    Yeah, but if a farmboy can destroy the Death Star by feel, imagine what Chuck Norris can do with Seagal’s ass.

  36. Sean Connery’s liver can be cultivated subliminally, Jeff.

  37. Speaking of cultivated, a nice roundup about cultivated meat:

    http://www.technovelgy.com/ct/Science-Fiction-News-Comments.asp?NewsNum=414

    And, yeah, it was the Mrs. ‘Awkins reference that set off the search.

  38. Otherwise, call me, Joel. We’ll do lunch.

    Scab. Think of all the striking writers, having to pool their Starbucks gift cards to make it through the autumn.

  39. Otherwise, call me, Joel. We’ll do lunch.

    But stay away from the fava beans and chianti.

  40. “Dude. Have you seen Steven Seagal’s ass, these days? We’re talking Death Star-sized, here.

    Yeah, but if a farmboy can destroy the Death Star by feel, imagine what Chuck Norris can do with Seagal’s ass.”

    Put a blindfold on The Force, you know what it does? It uses Chuck Norris.

  41. Wait, you drove to San Jose to catch a flight to Denver?

    How’d ya like our little airport?

  42. All airports suck.

    And now I am going away to listen to Anne Murray, who’s voice is incredibly better than her looks.

  43. They probably flew him from here on one of the Canadair jets where you have to duck walk to your seat because the ceiling is abour 5 feet.
    The seat have the used cushions of a 1960 era public school bus and the engines sound like wood chippers that are about to throw a rod.

  44. #18, JD

    Return of the Idiot Kicker, JD? I don’t know what happened to Adam either, but lately I don’t miss him quite so much. I suspect that, like Manning, his thoughts are consumed with visions of the Belichick stink eye.

  45. Off topic, but I get a kick out of this guy. I can’t decide if he’s dyspeptic or irascible or psychotic, but he’s cool whatever.

    So writers will eat the scraps that the real owners of the corporations decide they will throw to them. After the caterers, costumers, privately owned sound studios, and all the other small business entities that are the real core of the movie business are starved into extinction. The Writers Guild will show those assholes who is powerful.

  46. Pablo – I have no freaking idea. All I know is that he missed 2 important field goals last night, ones that he had not missed previously in his entire career. I cannot believe we were even still in that game after 6 interceptions and 2 kicks returned for touchdowns, so having a chance to pull it out after a great drive, and a bad penalty, made it hurt that much more. Losing ones like this are painful, especially when the number of starters out with injuries grows from 8 to 12.

  47. Pablo – In short, losing in the manner we did against New England, despite controlling them quite nicely for 55 minutes, is easier than losing in the manner in which we did last night.

  48. In short, losing in the manner we did against New England, despite controlling them quite nicely for 55 minutes, is easier than losing in the manner in which we did last night.

    well, it was raining there for a while last night.

  49. Yeah, for a guy who has been Mr. Clutch, misses like that…especially from 29 yards…have to hurt.

  50. maggie – It was an extra point. A chip shot. He also missed one at the end of the first half. Don’t get me wrong, I would have him kick that same one 10,000 more times, and he would probably make 9,999 of them. We just got that one last night, and damn, it stung.

  51. BTW, did you see that Bob Kraft’s Revolution is back in the MLS title game?

    Do you care? Nah, me neither. But the idea of being Titletown, fueled in part by watching the Celtics thrash everybody they play, is kinda fun. Thankfully, there’s little chance for the Bruins, otherwise New Englanders would be absolutely insufferable.

  52. Soccer? Soccer? Soccer? You must be joking. Outside of a flat chested women’s soccer player taking off her shirt to reveal a sports bra, I did not know people were still playing soccer. I seem to recall some French dude head-butting someone, but since it was so aggressive, I figured he was not really French.

    Soccer – an excuse to riot.

  53. I saw it JD (well, as much as I watch any game, which is half-assedly), just tryin’ to be funny here. ;p They came from so far back, it was impressive.

  54. I, unfortunately, saw it as well. My eyes are still bleeding. I cannot believe that we could come back from all that went wrong, and then to see it slip away like that …

    Next up, the Chiefs. Normally, this would not worry me, but I suspect that Poulian and Irsay are going to be having open tryouts in order to fill some of the positions on the roster after this tsunami of injuries.

  55. But…but…but…BECKHAM! Just ask Tom Cruise!!1!

    Yeah, I care even less now too.

  56. I begrudgingly admit that I enjoy the World Cup, but that is only because I am a sports fan, in general, and enjoy watching sports being played at their highest levels.

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