September 5, 2007


1. To Ann Kellett, for the Living in Oblivion DVD. Believe it or not, I’ve never seen the film — though I’ve heard many good things about it. And with Steve Buscemi, you can hardly go wrong.

2. Thanks also to those of you who provided your advice and guidance with respect to my sudden major appliance needs. Looks like I’ll be going with the Frigidaire Affinity washer / dryer combo — a less expensive option than the Bosch, LG Tromm, or the Whirlpool Duet (our first three choices). On the dishwasher front, I think I’m going to go with a KitchenAid. I like the hard food disposal and the drying element, and also the dedicated Power Scrub jets.

Nothing bugs me more than having to wash the dishes before putting them in the dishwasher. Except for maybe having to dry the stupid things when I take them out. May as well do them by hand and cut out the mechanical procrastination.

Question for Ric Locke: the KitchenAid uses stainless steel spray arms (4 of them). Likely to erode or not? I’m not up on my metallurgy.

3. Speaking of things with extended warranties, the Best Buy repair team will be out at the house today to fix our refrigerator. Less than a year old, and already the plastic drawers and wheel assembly are falling apart unpressured — like a Joe Wilson op-ed, or a Michael Moore documentary. So I’ll be waiting around for them today, then waiting around tomorrow for the Sears fellas to put in the washer/dryer.

Not a moment too soon, either: haven’t been able to wash clothes for several days, so I’m reduced to re-wearing workout duds.

Women, they love the musk. Unfortunately, I smell a bit like Hormel’s chili — so the only person I’m turning on with my man stink is my neighbor’s gardener, Manuel.

On the plus side, though, fresh gardenias!

4. Guest posters are free to post here today and tomorrow, while I’m dealing with repairmen and delivery people.

And if any of you can spare a few bucks and would like to contribute to the Help Jeff Save His Kitchen / Laundry Room Fund, please don’t hesitate to hit the tip jar. I certainly won’t complain this time — nor, for that matter, will a certain coterie of strung out, paranoid ex-agency beets, who imagine in the cracks of the refrigerator’s crisper drawer the first dim signs of a household coup.

Consequently, they’ve begun hoarding castor beans and a simple field-made solution of saline and glucose, and working closely with the immersion blender to keep a close eye on our Roomba. Ever since that darting little bastard took to wearing a beret and carrying a rifle, they simply don’t trust the guy.

Can’t say I do, either — but then, I’m in no hurry to voice my displeasure to a charismatic robot with an automatic weapon and a cultish following of cordless power tools.

Posted by Jeff G. @ 6:25am

Comments (44)

  1. Oh, Christ. The Cult of the Armadillo is replaced with The Cult of the Roomba.

    Isn’t this carrying the home appliance thing a little far, Jeff? Can’t you find a more assertive appliance to dress up in chaps? I mean a Roomba can’t very well down a shot of tequilla while dancing naked on a barstool, now can it?

    How about a self-propelled lawn mower or something with a little more je ne sais quoi?

  2. On behalf of men everywhere, we would like to request that you turn in your man card. ROOMBA ?!

  3. I was tricked into buying him. My wife told me I could retrofit him with a bionic arm and turn him into a kind of beer fetching slave.

    She lied.

    And now, he’s rewired much of the house, and when he’s displeased with me, he takes over the Harmony remote and forces me to watch Latino soap operas.

  4. not that there is anything wrong with that.

  5. I have no comment; I just need to say “Che Guevacuum”.

  6. It gets worse. It’s a gay Roomba. Probably only sucks other vacuum cleaners.

  7. We’ve got the LG stuff. My wife loves it. But we had to get it in red, so we might get pulled over for some sort of laundry violation.

    But she still won’t let me do any laundry, which…how could you go wrong, there?

  8. Oof. Now you tell me.

  9. Slarti – How did you manage that? Do not witheld such valuable information from us !

  10. Witheld? Where?

  11. “Living in Oblivion” is great (and also 12 years old, which makes me feel so much older).

    I’m sure you know the rumor that the character of “Chad Palomino” is based on Brad Pitt, which makes it all the more fun. And surprisingly enought, for a movie with a character named “Chad Palomino” – it’s not gay porn.

  12. I am going to back off on my criticism of the Roomba. A friend bought one to terrorize his ankle-biter dog. He turns it on when he leaves for work, and it plays with his dog all day long. A robotic evil babysitter, of sorts.

  13. Yeah, dude – when the Roomba’s carrying a weapon it’s time to worry.

    Either that, or adjust your meds.

  14. I basically had to pretend…ok, there wasn’t a whole lot of pretending, there…that I wanted to try using the new machines. I mean…they’re gadgets, so it wasn’t a stretch. There as far beyond our previous Kenmore set (14 years old) as an F-22 is beyond a WW-II Corsair.

    Quieter, too, and they use a lot less water and electricity.

    Anyway, didn’t have to pretend too hard. Possibly having screwed up the laundry at some time in the past had something to do with it, too…if you haven’t done that, you might want to acquire a time machine.

  15. There == They’re

  16. I am going to have to go run a load of whites, and throw in some brand new bright red t-shirts for good measure, just to prove how inept I am at laundry.

  17. Slartibartfast – did you get the steamwasher? Someone needs to tell Ric Locke that 300 for a snappy lipstick-red paint job is worth it, it gets the clothes cleaner. Because when laundry makes a girl tingly, there is more laundry getting done, and done well.

    Jeff – the spray arms are durable. Less bio-goo, as well. It’s supposedly still important to use enough detergent, enough hot cycles and enough rinse aid to keep the scale off, especially if you have hard water.

  18. “Slartibartfast – did you get the steamwasher?”

    Yep; it’s awesome.

    “Because when laundry makes a girl tingly, there is more laundry getting done, and done well.”

    Well, I wasn’t going to go there, but seeing as you did…what she said, Ric.

    I’m still working on how to get out of folding the clean stuff; I’m wide-open for suggestions. So far, the best gambit is something like: we need the extra money, so I should really be at work more.

  19. Laundry can make a girl tingly? I though diamonds, Prada, Coach, and a few other select things could do that. If laundry does it, I am going to go out and buy a Bosch, Whirlpool, and a commerical coin fed laundromat machine just to keep her happy.

  20. BTW, if you do get the front-loaders, the pedestals now serve as both useful storage space, and ergonomics enhancer. Unless you don’t top 4’6″, in which case you’re probably ok without them.

  21. Slarti – Try doing things intentionally poorly. I tried that with wedding plans, and it worked like a charm. Hiring an accordian player / one man band got me excused from all wedding related decisions.

  22. Shit, now I’m upset I didn’t bite the bullet and go with the Tromm. We can’t afford either of them — nor the dishwasher — so what the hell, right?

    May as well live it up.

  23. Well, JD, it has to be a level of incompetence that’s not inconsistent with past performance. My wife is smarter than I am, and she’s got a longer memory.

  24. It’s possible…just possible…that the Tromm purchase could correlate with an upswing in your sex life. Not that I’m working on a commission, or anything, but still.

  25. My better half is the same way. She can remember every truly stupid thing I have ever said, verbatim, and believe me, that is quite a list. I generally forget them immediately upon speaking them.

  26. Ease up on the Roomba, Gentlemen. I direct your attention specifically to #2.

    Jeff, just find a hacker that loves America. You’ll be all set.

  27. I’m still working on how to get out of folding the clean stuff

    Slart, all you have to do is fold it wrong. My wife has a specific way she likes the laundry folded, I’ve never been able to *master* the correct method. She says she just has to refold after I’ve done it, so now I’m banned.

  28. Come on, Pablo. Don’t you think a Roomba is just a little ghey?

  29. JD, it’s a freaking robot that does housework! Vacuuming is a little ghey. Or at least tedious and time consuming. If the little Roomba can do it for me, and be taught to fetch drinks and shoot at stuff it’s laser targeted, all I can say is this and perhaps this.

    Apologies if this shows up repeatedly. The blog hates my links.

  30. Hey, maybe you could program the little metal bastard to, y’know, dance?…

  31. Vacuuming is a little ghey.

    Little vacuuming is gay. No one thinks a man with a shop-vac full of bear heads and anvils is a swish. It’s the one case where the larger the junk you’re sucking is, the less gay the sucking is. If you’re just dusting the floor, you might as well have GLORY HOLE tatooed under your mustache.

    But at least you’re still a man. “Roomba” is Haitian Kreyol for “neutered kitten.”

  32. I prefer to think of the little guy as a mechanical boy just waiting for a singing cricket and a dusty old hag to come along and turn him into a real contestant on “So You Think You Can Dance”.

  33. You know that if you get a Roomba, your kid is going to try and bust that bronco.

  34. If I wanted to donate a guest post, where to put it?

    See my every post at (guess I need a hyperlink tool.

  35. I’ve got a Roomba. I’m thinking of getting a second, and locking them in a room with one charging stand. Then I’ll watch them fight over it.

    Call me the Mike Vick of the Digital age.

  36. the KitchenAid uses stainless steel spray arms (4 of them). Likely to erode or not? I’m not up on my metallurgy.

    That depends Jeff. Is it austenitic, ferritic, or martensitic stainless steel? Just screwin’ with you. It’s probably 304 so no, it won’t corrode.

  37. Living in Oblivion is great. Buscemi and Keener, dwarves that don’t dream of dwarves, Lobo, Chad Pitt not wanting to look gay, and many other things make it a classic. Mostly it’s the boom mikes and the coffee.

  38. Dude, your Kitchenaid will suck ass. Better hire Manuel’s wife to do the dishes in 6 months.

  39. Why will it suck ass? Please don’t tell me that. I can’t afford to hear that.

    I won’t.

    I will not hear it.



    On the plus side, I made $20 on my bleg today. Thanks, Sam M.!

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