August 10, 2007

red pills behind the sofa cushions (procatalepsis, 2)

That is definitely not my monkey — first, because my monkey wears a platinum hoop earring and Japanese man clogs, and would rather his parochial school teacher happen upon him in a utility closet tugging his monkey dork to a poster of Raven Symone than be caught in a Member’s Only jacket, listening to a-ha!; and second, he can’t even drive stick.

Although I’ll admit, the resemblance is uncanny.

— But then, he’s a fucking monkey, right? Without the personality tics and the idiosyncratic clothing, who’s going to be able to tell them apart?

Unless there’s a beer bong around, that is. Because I haven’t met another monkey yet who can mainline 4 Mickey’s Big Mouths and a pureed banana in a single funnel pass. And trust me: I’ve partied with a treeload of monkeys…

Posted by Jeff G. @ 7:11pm

Comments (23)

  1. a-ha


  2. So that’s where my Members Only jacket went.

  3. Ah, Mickey’s Big Mouths! If the hangover didn’t kill you, then those razor sharp pull tabs sure as hell did.

  4. Funnels work better with a lot of gas line , and whatever monkey that’s holding the funnel should be at least two floors above whoever is trying to suck said banana puree through …… and whatever is along with the banana puree , trust me on this .

  5. I would have thought, what with his intelligence community connections and all, that the dolphin in the pea coat would have been able to confirm the identity of the monkey in question.

  6. And this is no shit. My monkey will grind the fuck out of an organ. No Italian required.

  7. Alright..Ok.. I got it..I got it.. He’s not your monkey.. but just for one moment.. FOR ONE FREAKIN MOMENT.. suppose he was…. D’ja consider that?

    wt: judgement sequent … damn right… damn right …

  8. That first sentence is a classic.

    Makes me want to read the rest of the book.

  9. And the ones that Mother gives you
    Don’t do anything at all*

    Might want to check that.

    TW: them, paroling
    Paroling, paroling, on we go
    Release day is coming….

  10. So I take it the fashion trends have passed me by once again…..

    Anyone want a flat-headed, blond midget with epilepsy? (slightyly used)?

  11. Any monkey who can drive a stick is a keeper, but not for reasons priapic, not going there.

  12. Frankly, it’s kind of a waste to go with Mickey’s Big Mouths and a funnel. After all, the big mouth is engineered for the quick volume pour.

  13. Ook ook.

    SB: jean unawares
    monkey love

  14. You know, Robin Roberts is kinda makin’ me uncomfortable the way she’s looking at that monkey…I feel almost respectable or something.

    I’m gonna take another hit off some PW prose, to you know, fight the man and such.

    Gay Porn Cock of lies….INDEED.

    Exit question: Just how many people use “exit question” before Allah gets called on by Ace?

    good DAY sir.

  15. OK,

    Maybe I’m like some Zappa-obsessed retardo searching for Conceptual Continuity Cluesâ„¢, but does the Mickey’s ref mean you went to school or grew up somewhere on the east coast? Mickey’s is a predominantly east coast thing, no?

    TW: potency feelings.

    Now I have to go touch myself.

  16. All I’m gonna say is, nobody wants to be caught spanking another man’s monkey.

  17. If he’s in a 1990 Nissan Pulsar (girl car) he owes me $15 for parking. Can you handle that for me? Thanks.

  18. I am so glad I keep a Merriam-Webster unabridged in the CD drive…

  19. #

    Comment by Pablo on 8/10 @ 7:48 pm #

    And this is no shit. My monkey will grind the fuck out of an organ. No Italian required.

    Money makes the monkey dance, my friend. Organ or no.

    tw; any alcoholics. Not just any alcoholics, monkey alcoholics, in space.

  20. #15 Mickeys was brewed in Washington state. We used to play quarters with them. The humanity….

  21. Darth Bacon,

    Don’t know if Mickey’s is an east coast thing. However, my wife was getting irritated with me being indecisive at a liquor store (here in Colorado) so she decided to buy my alcohol for me. Since this is totally out of character for my wife (taking charge, choosing alcohol other than California red wine) I decided to let her. Sure enough, she chose 2 Mickey’s 40s and told me she was going to tape the 40s to my hands and I had to finish them before she’d cut the tape and remove the 40s.

    Let’s just say that I’m never letting my wife pick my alcohol again.

  22. Ah! Now those Little Mickey’s 7oz brain grenades, there was a beverage container of genius. The very shape should have told you they were dangerous.

  23. 6 platen watervastverlijmd Brynzeel Mahonie, 5 blikken verf, 1 pot plamuur en vellen schuurpapier , een kilo RVS Schroefjes en 6 vuilniszakken vol met rommel Maar het resultaat mag er wezen!.