Q: How many fundamentalist Christians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Never more than 2. And of course, only if they’re married.
****
update: Oh. And for Chrissakes, please restrict yourself to the traditional light bulb screwing position. We aren’t animals, after all.
Comment by cranky-d on 5/31 @ 10:08 am #
And don’t forget, wives, no matter how you feel, that any time your husband wants to screw in a lightbulb, you must be there to help him. He should never be allowed to do it on his own.
Comment by T&T on 5/31 @ 10:10 am #
This, of course, leaves us unmarried Christians in the dark. Is that a metaphor?
T&T
Comment by Jeff Goldstein on 5/31 @ 10:11 am #
As long as you don’t fondle it, sure.
Comment by Dan Collins on 5/31 @ 10:13 am #
Ever try to screw in one of those fluorescent jobs Reynold’s is always going on about? You need a duck penis, or something.
Comment by JD on 5/31 @ 10:14 am #
The practice of self-love is best done in the dark, or with the appropriate levels of mood lighting. And candles. And pics/videos of Elle McPherson.
And pie.
Comment by Karl on 5/31 @ 10:16 am #
Technically, I believe the full answer is “two… if you want what’s right for America.”
Comment by T&T on 5/31 @ 10:19 am #
Jeff,
Can you teach me how to fondle a metaphor? In an entirely hetero way, of course.
T&T
Comment by stoo on 5/31 @ 10:21 am #
That’s not Christian fundamentalism! Now, this:
http://www.boingboing.net/2007/05/25/shop_for_clothes_at_.html
is Christian fundamentalism.
Comment by B Moe on 5/31 @ 10:23 am #
I am not sure I want to try to screw in a candle. One of those magic Genie lamps? You bet.
Comment by Cowboy on 5/31 @ 10:23 am #
I’ve never understood the fascination of screwing in a light bulb…under a table at MacDonald’s, or on a moving Harley, but a light bulb?
That’s just weird.
Comment by JD on 5/31 @ 10:25 am #
Unlike the screwing of an apple pie or a hair pie (activities that can be pursued with much vigor), the screwing of a lightbulb must be undertaken with great caution, and a gentle touch. If not sufficiently gentle, the glass shards from the lightbulb are quite painful. Also, I would suggest foregoing the use of lubricants, as from experience, I have found them to be remarkable conductors of electricity.
Comment by Jim in KC on 5/31 @ 10:31 am #
Edison base or mogul base?
Comment by Tai Chi Wawa on 5/31 @ 10:34 am #
One charismatic evangelist, speaking in tungsten, might be able to convert electricity into light.
Comment by cranky-d on 5/31 @ 10:41 am #
Stoo’s been doing some funky googling. Must be a slow day at work.
Comment by Lost My Cookies on 5/31 @ 11:01 am #
How do you get inside the lightbulb?
Comment by McGehee on 5/31 @ 11:05 am #
Fundamentalist Christians don’t screw in light bulbs, they screw in bed.
Fully clothed.
And they don’t enjoy it, they’re only doing it because the Lord said they must be fruitful and multiply.
(The difficulty of multiplying if one is “fruitful” these days is a subject best left in the gutter, thank you very much and may God have mercy on your soul.)
If they do enjoy it, they have to pray for forgiveness.
Comment by Rob Crawford on 5/31 @ 11:10 am #
On a step ladder?
Man, that brings back some good memories.
Comment by JD on 5/31 @ 11:10 am #
Is Barney Frank fruitful or fruity ?
Comment by Lost My Cookies on 5/31 @ 11:11 am #
God, with everything else I have to do today, now I have to run around and check all my lightbulbs for screwing fundies. Thanks Goldstein, way to make it all about you.
Comment by Dan Collins on 5/31 @ 11:19 am #
Screwing fundies? I thought we were supposed to keep this missionary.
Comment by JD on 5/31 @ 11:24 am #
And we are not supposed to actually have fun doing it, like timmyb’s partners. So, fundies is not the appropriate term – maybe non-fun-dies ?
Why limit this to 2 ? Menage a quatro with a midget, a stripper, and the babysitter, with the armadillo manning the videocamera sounds like one heck of an afternoon.
And pie.
Comment by Lost My Cookies on 5/31 @ 11:25 am #
Point taken Dan, fundies melt if they get too close to a lightbulb.
Missionary though, someone’s legs are gonna stick out. Unless it’s onr of those long flourescent jobs.
Comment by MarkD on 5/31 @ 11:27 am #
JD,
Elaborate, please about the conductivity of lubricants. This is a safety issue, my life could be at stake. (Not as often as I wish, but still…)
Comment by CJ on 5/31 @ 11:46 am #
And it cannot be done standing up, ‘cause that could lead to dancing(!).
Comment by JD on 5/31 @ 12:05 pm #
Now how in the hell is Rosie O’Blubber supposed to screw in a lightbulb, unless it is the size of a Freightliner? PATRIARCHY !
This is a conspiracy to keep non-traditional sexual partners from getting a little, or in Rosie’s case, 3/4 of a ton.
Conductivity of lubricants is well documented. I will keep my single, solitary shred of dignity intact, and not delve into the details. Suffice it to say that it is quite painful, and oddly stimulating. The pain is somewhat more than one would encounter by watching that movie where Rosie dresses up in a leather dominatrix outfit with whips, and slightly less than being tasered.
Comment by eLarson on 5/31 @ 12:08 pm #
Screwing, Jeff? C’mon… we prefer “fornicate”.
I’m not saying, I’m just saying15.
Comment by mishu on 5/31 @ 12:24 pm #
Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: That’s not funny.
*I stole that from a commentor at Althouse’s site.
Comment by Pellegri on 5/31 @ 12:35 pm #
Bow chicka wow-wow.
That’s all I’ve got.
Comment by Rob B. on 5/31 @ 12:46 pm #
What can I say, her Rob and my staff comforts her “valley of the shadow of death”
Comment by cranky-d on 5/31 @ 1:05 pm #
If a woman’s “valley” is wielding a scythe, I’m keeping my staff well away.
Comment by Pellegri on 5/31 @ 1:10 pm #
Vagina dentata, it’s a wonderful phrase
Vagina dentata, ain’t no passing craze~
It’s a weiner-free–girl cav-i-ty!
Vagina dentata!
Comment by N. O'Brain on 5/31 @ 1:33 pm #
In light bulb theology, isn’t it “Be fruitful and Mercury”?
Comment by JD on 5/31 @ 1:33 pm #
The Lion King will never be the same again.
Comment by TheGeezer on 5/31 @ 2:24 pm #
Only if it’s Compact Flourescent Lamp (CFL).
Incandescents are pure and contain no mercury.
You weren’t talking about the car, were you?
Comment by Jeffersonian on 5/31 @ 2:26 pm #
The answer I heard was:
A: Eleven…one to screw in the bulb and ten to write jargon-laden screeds about how bad the socket has it.
Large82? Damn right it is…
Comment by TheGeezer on 5/31 @ 2:29 pm #
Did anybody think you were kidding?
Comment by cranky-d on 5/31 @ 2:51 pm #
I think Amanda may want to get on board with the socket warriors on this one.
Comment by B Moe on 5/31 @ 3:03 pm #
You know, every now and then you see something that just kind of flies in the face of evolution and intelligent design. That right there is one of them.
Comment by T-web on 5/31 @ 3:24 pm #
Q: How many homosexuals does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: You can’t change them! They’re born that way!
Comment by JD on 5/31 @ 3:24 pm #
A corkscrew shaped penis the length of its body. Unreal, and a bit disturbing.
Comment by Jeff Goldstein on 5/31 @ 4:18 pm #
Mishu –
I don’t know how many others have come up with that one before me, but here’s my independently fashioned take. One of my first ever blog posts.
Comment by Jeffersonian on 5/31 @ 4:34 pm #
Damn, the Jooz even get all the good knock-knock jokes first.
Comment by Jeffersonian on 5/31 @ 4:36 pm #
Damn, the Jooz even get all the good lightbulb jokes first. Insidious Zionists!
TW: table94. No wonder I can’t my Dr. Pepper refilled…
Comment by Jeffersonian on 5/31 @ 4:38 pm #
I hang my empty head in shame at that first post…please delete so I can get off this ledge.
Comment by cranky-d on 5/31 @ 4:58 pm #
Jump! Jump!
Comment by Cythen on 5/31 @ 5:02 pm #
You and me, baby, ain’t nothing but mammals…
…mammals with THUMBS.
Comment by hit and run on 5/31 @ 5:22 pm #
Behold, the 69 watt light bulb
Comment by furriskey on 5/31 @ 5:37 pm #
That’s novel.
Comment by McGehee on 5/31 @ 5:59 pm #
I think I saw a box of those on the candy aisle at Kroger the other day.
Comment by Rusty on 5/31 @ 6:20 pm #
Vagina dentata, it’s a wonderful phrase
Vagina dentata, ain’t no passing craze~
It’s a weiner-free–girl cav-i-ty!
Vagina dentata!
Posted by Pellegri
Yer tellin me they got teeth there?
Aw. Crap.
Comment by ronald on 5/31 @ 7:14 pm #
As a fundalmentalist christian I contend it only takes one, it can be done single handed. Unfortunately, I am going blind.
Comment by hit and run on 5/31 @ 7:28 pm #
Addendum: And the two shall become one flesh
Comment by hit and run on 5/31 @ 7:31 pm #
Q: What do you do if you come across two fundamentalists Christians screwing in a light bulb?
A: Don’t interfere. Walk away.
Mark 10:9 – “what God has joined together, let man not separate.”
Comment by fundamentalist Irish Catholic on 5/31 @ 8:28 pm #
The original joke was pretty funny – that is till we got to the Chrissakes part. Sheesh! Careful with those Christian jokes though. Some of your most devoted lurkers might be fundies, you nevah know…
And McGeehee, ya have no idea what yar tawkin’ aboot. Ah, the good Lord knows sex, while meant to bring the wee babes if the time is right, is lots of fun, sure He invented it, eh?
Comment by McGehee on 5/31 @ 8:51 pm #
That’s exactly what the Devil wants you to think.
Comment by cynn on 5/31 @ 9:01 pm #
This must be one of those off-handed posts that all the remaining faithful can gather ‘round and toast those s’mores.
Me, I’m on a diet.
Comment by happyfeet on 5/31 @ 9:13 pm #
That’s so disdainful.
Comment by cynn on 5/31 @ 9:30 pm #
OK, I had something smartass to say, but I’ll let it go.
Comment by cranky-d on 5/31 @ 9:33 pm #
You know what, cynn? That was really beneath you.
Comment by happyfeet on 5/31 @ 9:34 pm #
That’s very gracious, cynn, which I suspect is closer to your true nature. It’s so beautiful when you let the mask slip.
Comment by Jeff Goldstein on 5/31 @ 9:35 pm #
fundamentalist irish catholic –
Hence the post’s title.
Comment by Jeff Goldstein on 5/31 @ 9:43 pm #
cynn –
If you don’t like the site, leave. Turns out the “few remaining faithful” are more than I thought. Problem with Google Reader, RSS feeds, and a glitch with my software.
Corrections are being made as we speak!
FEAR ME, CYNN, FOR I AM TENACIOUS AND WELL VERSED IN THE CUSTODIAL ARTS!
Comment by happyfeet on 5/31 @ 9:49 pm #
You would never have cancelled Firefly.
Comment by happyfeet on 5/31 @ 9:54 pm #
I’m not sure about Buffy though. I can see you being of two minds.
Comment by Jeff Goldstein on 5/31 @ 9:56 pm #
I would finance firefly, if I had the money.
Reynolds does. He should get his ass involved in executive producing.
Comment by cynn on 5/31 @ 9:56 pm #
You know, apparently I missed the whole point. Could be beyond me. It was a joke. I was making a joke. What are you talking about masks et al?
Comment by happyfeet on 5/31 @ 10:07 pm #
- Christina Aguilera
Comment by McGehee on 5/31 @ 10:42 pm #
And I have to watch my blood sugar. In fact I’m pretty sure just smelling toasted marshmallows and melted chocolate sends my blood sugar through the roof.
Too late now. Dammit.
Comment by cynn on 5/31 @ 10:48 pm #
I thought I posted this, but evidently it didn’t stick. I’ll gladly go away if you want. The chapass right is too much.
You know Jeff, if you want us to conveniently disappear, we can. If you want to remain engaged, we can. But if you want to hack this country into pieces for immediate gain, I’m opposed.
Comment by happyfeet on 5/31 @ 11:03 pm #
“I prefer a ’we’re all in it together‘ society,” she said. “I believe our government can once again work for all Americans. It can promote the great American tradition of opportunity for all and special privileges for none.”
Comment by hit and run on 5/31 @ 11:12 pm #
Fundamentalist Christian or not, you’re not going to convince me to screw in a light bulb with her.
TW: fear98. And loathing. But mostly fear.
Comment by Major John on 6/1 @ 5:40 am #
Indeed.
Comment by Rob Crawford on 6/1 @ 5:42 am #
Does anyone have a clue WTF this is in reference to?
Comment by TheGeezer on 6/1 @ 6:14 am #
It is the contemporary liberal’s obsession with smug self-righteousness that views all acts of will through a prism of strawmen, strawwelfaremothers, strawenvironmentalproblems, etc. Thus, even while attempting to join in some offbeat humor, the contemporary liberal must always guard their straw ensemble against evil (which is anyone or anythign to the right of wherever they happen to be at the moment).
Did she say that before or after she got off a private jet provided by one of her many wealthy cronies? Oh my, the greenhouse gas destructiveness of it all!
Comment by Jeff Goldstein on 6/1 @ 6:33 am #
I’d be opposed if I wanted to do that, too.
So what the hell are you talking about?
Comment by Swen Swenson on 6/1 @ 7:54 am #
I’d ask ‘how many fundies it takes to screw in a CFL’, but that’s just too twisted. Besides, some of them are just now coming around to accept the magic of electricity, so let’s not push things.
Glad to hear the site traffic thingy was a technical glitch, but remember: It’s the quality of your readers, not their quantity that.. um, well, okay, perhaps we shouldn’t go there.
Please don’t run away to become Rosie O’Donnell’s PR guy.
Oh, and it is Friday..
Comment by Patrick on 6/1 @ 7:55 am #
This may have been posted elsewhere, and is a bit off topic here, but a challenge has been issued:
“Paris’ prison diary will make a more dramatic read than Martha Stewart’s. If she can make it believable, and not exaggerate too much, she might expect to make a million dollars out of it.”
Dance monkey, dance!
Comment by Jeffersonian on 6/1 @ 8:16 am #
I can see it now, the cons running their Waterford cups over the bars, demanding the morning’s Pellegrino and ciabatta…
Does Versace do horizontal stripes?
Comment by furriskey on 6/1 @ 8:22 am #
I think I may be coming up to a year of reading PW and really, not a day goes by when I don’t read something very funny, beautifully expressed.
I have managed to work out roughly who is on what.
But I have to confess, I have no more idea now than I did when first she swam into my ken what on earth Cynn is on about 90% of the time. Or on. Which may be the answer.
Comment by Lost My Cookies on 6/1 @ 8:26 am #
I’d like to see that chart, if you have it handy..
it is Friday, after all….
Comment by furriskey on 6/1 @ 8:34 am #
I reckon about 40% are now total abstainers, and I don’t think they regret either the past or the present.
Comment by Patrick on 6/1 @ 8:36 am #
Alright, I’ll admit it, I have no idea what you’re on about here.
Comment by Lost My Cookies on 6/1 @ 8:44 am #
I think Jeff was going to get a couple bottles of abstainer, I stick mostly to brown likker and, thanks to 12 year old batting practice, nsaids, lots of nsaids.
TW: youre26 No, Ise36, and shouldn’t be throwing no 200 lousy pitches.
Comment by TheGeezer on 6/1 @ 8:58 am #
Muddy water and nsaids? I hope y’all swallow some Rollaids with that at least once in a while!
Comment by JD on 6/1 @ 9:42 am #
I’m in the 40 percent abstainer category, 3 years in November. Suffice it to say that I do not regret the past, and love the present.
Comment by Darleen on 6/1 @ 10:17 am #
Geezer, Hill doesn’t see herself as a hypocrit for doing one thing while telling others to do differently. She sees herself as the selfless savior tirelessly trying to bring enlightenment to the great unwashed. Hill doesn’t see herself as part of the problem but as a giver of solutions.
It’s the same pretensions to morality as the Hollywood Lefty who shows up once a year for a photo-shoot while serving turkey dinners to the homeless on Thanksgiving while privately treating waiters, housekeepers, retail clerks like sh*t.
Hillary is for “fairness”…and when a nascent authoritarian trots out the “fairness must be imposed by government” line, be assured it will be at the expense of liberty.
see Hugo Chavez
Comment by Lost My Cookies on 6/1 @ 10:51 am #
I’m as shocked as you are Geeze. Never had any problem with nsaids or asprin, and about the only thing I can’t mix bourbon with is eggnog.
Great story, has everything, family drama, illicit sex, substance abuse, old people and a massive attack of diarrhea.
Comment by Percy Dovetonsils on 6/1 @ 11:45 am #
“Chapass”? Is that shorthand for those “ass-less” chaps that the lads down on Halsted Street wear during their barhopping?
Ya know, maybe we right wing death beasts should be expanding our wardrobe. Go all rough trade and such. Grrrr!
Comment by JD on 6/1 @ 2:49 pm #
Call me crazy, but what exactly is the “traditional” light bulb screwing position? I just want to make sure that we are doing things correctly.
Comment by furriskey on 6/1 @ 5:29 pm #
Knew someone would understand, JD-
Comment by cynn on 6/1 @ 9:01 pm #
“Chapass� Is that shorthand for those “ass-less†chaps that the lads down on Halsted Street wear during their barhopping?
No, for what it’s worth, it means it chaps my ass. It will be used freely by me.
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