March 13, 2007

red pills behind the sofa cushions, analepsis 16

In a retro-Buddhist show of opposition to “the social cons’ criminal War on Drugs,” the Sea Monkey king—already high on homemade Sangria, two Percocet tablets, and the handful of roaches he was able to sift out of a patio ashtray recently unearthed by a much-needed Colorado thaw—doused himself with lighter fluid and threatened self-immolation if I didn’t order him a large bucket of hot wings (extra spicy) and some beer-battered onion rings.

I called his bluff, citing tough love and the need to teach the presumptuous creature self reliance—but the truth is, I was two peyote buttons into a “My Three Sons” marathon on TV Land and didn’t much feel like having to track down the cordless phone, which I hadn’t seen since a couple of strung-out sugar beets decided to sweep the house for stealthy electronic surveillance devices.  Besides, my legs were kinda tingly.

The saddest part to all this (well, aside from the second degree burns his majesty suffered to the trunk and thighs before he was able to hop screaming back into his tank) is that I really could have gone for some hot wings—and I probably would have, too, if instead of turning the whole production into some ersatz bit of southeast asian political theater, the self-absorbed salt-water elitist had simply looked up the number to the Wing Stop and fetched me my BlackBerry from the pocket of my sweats.

Because as it stands, it looks like I’m going to have to make do with Cajun spice-dusted trail mix, a half box of sesame garlic Crispini crackers, and a whining brine shrimp coated in anti-bacterial unguent.  Which under ordinary circumstances is well and good, I suppose— but not once you’ve started craving kickass hotwings and delicious golden-brown beer-battered onion rings…

Posted by Jeff G. @ 2:36am
20 comments | Trackback

Comments (20)

  1. You could always eat the BlackBerry…..

  2. Sir, thy mind is the ultimate divinity in the heavens of the mad lib.

  3. You kids clean up this place up!!!

    Friggin’ sea monkey crap everywhere…

    And who the hell took my unguent???

    Ernie, you little twerp!

  4. You may not be the strangest person ever to inhabit this planet, but I doubt it.

  5. Have I mentioned how much my cichlids like sea monkeys as treats?

  6. Well, first of all, the beets might be loons, but, at the very least, they’re good tubers to have in your quarter (pending what they’ve been drinking).

    The Sea Monkey King, however, is one of the most mercenary SOBs to arise out of a children’s Brine Shrimp exercise in preemptive deity.

  7. If it was not already abundantly clear, it is now.

    Jeff is FULLY back on form, at the height of his surreal powers, and everything is right in my world.

    Apart from being an unemployed, homeless macrocephalic lagomorph using the last of the battery charge on the pocket PC I lifted off that unconscious sarariman to post this message from under a bridge on this balmy California night.

    Oh, wait, that’s not me, that’s someone else. It’s all good. Carry on.

  8. Sounds like the most acid story since Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Good.

  9. Have I mentioned how much my cichlids like sea monkeys as treats?

    They’re like little potato chips for fish—crispy and salty.

    Mine only went really berserk for grindal worms, though.

  10. I put my stethoscope up to the side of my tank when I feed my cichlids sea monkeys, just to hear them scream.

  11. That anti-bacterial unguent tastes like ass and leaves a film on the roof of your mouth.  The shrimp aren’t bad fried though.

  12. That anti-bacterial unguent tastes like ass and leaves a film on the roof of your mouth.

    That’s the Preparation H.

    Speaking of which, I’m on my second week of trying to get some software set up for my development team. Thirteen freaking years ago I set up the same software for a team at another company, and it took an hour. That was doing it “guerilla”, with no approval, and no root access.

    This time, the software’s supposedly our “standard”. It took a week to find out who I needed to ask to get it set up. Two days to find out who to ask to get access once it was set up. Two days for that group to get back to us saying we made the request the wrong way. Now, two days later, we’re still waiting on their response to the “right way” to make the request.

    Anyone else remember the computer game “Bureaucracy”?

    (Bonus points for the geeks out there: the software? CVS.)

  13. Mmmm…Buffalo Wild Wings, extra hot, for breakfast.  Nummy, num.

  14. We had hot wings last night.  Deep fried, then coated with a mix of butter, Frank’s Red Hot, and a package of Good Season’s dried Italian Dressing Mix.  Spicy, and several times the daily allowance of sodium.

    I guess I should have checked PW last night instead of going to the gym.  I would have invited you over for some Jeff, honest. 

    Funny how nobody wants to come to Syracuse in March…

  15. You must take us for fools with your “tale”. Everyone knows you can’t get good hot wings outside of the Buffalo area, let alone kickass ones.

  16. RC:

    Same thing where I work. The FDA shut us down because of some problems with the medical equipment we make, and they did an audit to find out if we were following correct “processes.” Answer: no. So now they’re not shipping product and everyone is freaking out about following the correct processes, but I swear to you there is not one person alive who knows what those processes are. No one will sit down and decide what they’re supposed to be; no one will write up the document.

    Just tried to get a document approved last month, and every single freaking step of the way a different person screamed “NO! That’s NOT how you do it.” So we had to re-do things and back-track and a month later we released the document. It should have taken just a few days in non-bureaucratic time.

  17. So now they’re not shipping product and everyone is freaking out about following the correct processes, but I swear to you there is not one person alive who knows what those processes are.

    It gets better.

    Reason for latest two-day delay? Admin assistant didn’t send the request. Apparently “ASAP” means “two working days later”.

    In response to the request? “I don’t know what you’re talking about”.

    Apparently the group we need to be added to was created, but not entered into this other system that’s needed to grant us access.

    *sigh*

    In two hours, everyone at corporate HQ will be at a meeting announcing the size of our bonuses. If I’m lucky, I can get hold of the helpful person who can do this, rather than the “less than helpful” one.

    It’s not like I have better things to do.

  18. “That anti-bacterial unguent tastes like ass and leaves a film on the roof of your mouth”

    Never had the pleasure of tasting ass, not that there is anything wrong with that……

    Now fried Brine shrimp, that’s a different story

  19. Robert , dicentra ,

    All paper work goes to the dolphin in the navy blue pea coat ……

  20. Debt is the biggest issue facing us all.
    I found this video on YouTube which really opened my eyes to the importance of getting out of debt: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=50bWUrKAbwU
    I am sure you will be as amazed as I was.

Leave a Reply