Imagine how you’d feel if you woke up to find Helen Thomas lying in bed beside you, wearing a black rubber bra and garters and smoking a cigarette. Then throw in some mucus and a burning in the chest that feels like your lungs have been off hitting the crack whores without a jimmy, and you’ll have a pretty good idea how I feel.
And there ain’t a chicken soup or a honeyed tea around that can get rid of the chest Clap, I’m afraid.
Ggghah.
Comment by a4g on 8/31 @ 3:42 pm #
That’s the exact dream I had last night. I dunno, I thought it felt pretty good.
Helen, she a freak.
Comment by Rusty.No. The other one. on 8/31 @ 3:43 pm #
I’m sorry I didn’t finish. I commited suicide after the first sentence.
Comment by Jefferson park on 8/31 @ 3:44 pm #
I know that spewing a mouthful of coffee on the monitor after reading a funny post is a tired blog cliche … but it happens. It really does.
Consarn it.
JP
Comment by Boss429 on 8/31 @ 3:47 pm #
lay off the Nyquil if it leads to a night in the sack with Helen Thomas.
Now go wash off with bleach.
Comment by A fine scotch on 8/31 @ 3:57 pm #
Ew. Just, ew.
Comment by Sigivald on 8/31 @ 4:04 pm #
Garlic soup, for the lung-vampires. Also, tasty.
Comment by Sean M. on 8/31 @ 4:08 pm #
No.
Comment by Jonathan D. on 8/31 @ 4:23 pm #
Shouldn’t you have started to feel better by now? I think that Helen Thomas sleep over is pathognomic for bacterial lung infections, so if you haven’t seen a doc then do so. Plus a dose of antibiotics might help with the clap. I hope you’ll feel better soon.
Comment by Denny Crane on 8/31 @ 4:27 pm #
She’s still defaming you, Jeff. Grab a screen shot:
http://debfrisch.com/archives/2006/08/blog_brawl_the.html
Comment by Sidewinder on 8/31 @ 4:28 pm #
Could be worse. You could wake up and find that you are in the black rubber bra and garters, and Helen Thomas is hacking up phlegm all over you.
Always trying to look on the bright side…
Comment by Bane on 8/31 @ 4:29 pm #
Jeff, I just line up 40’s of Old English 800 in the fridge, and flood my system with alcoholly goodness. About a million units of vit C, and the bugs can’t keep a hold on me cuz I am pissing them out so fast. Add double shots of green NyQuil as neccesary, and a few boxes of kleenex, and prop yourelf up with pillows while you sleep, and there you go.
Comment by boohiss on 8/31 @ 4:33 pm #
You had me at “Helen”
Comment by Captain Holly on 8/31 @ 4:34 pm #
You obviously want us to suffer, too.
Comment by JohnAnnArbor on 8/31 @ 4:36 pm #
Stick Vicks Vapo-Rub up your nose a bit. Of course, the label says not to, but a doctor’s kid says it’s an old trick (she’s an MD herself, too). I mean A BIT, too; don’t snort it and don’t put it too far back.
Comment by J. Mark English on 8/31 @ 4:47 pm #
Hello,
This is a great blog. I’m going to be sure to link yours to mine. Would you mind doing the same for me?
Thank you very much.
My site:
http://www.americanlegends.blogspot.com
Take care,
Mark
Comment by David R. Block on 8/31 @ 4:51 pm #
The rest of us don’t go bother visiting Dr. Demento’s web site.
That could only lead to a bad result.
Comment by Al Maviva on 8/31 @ 5:12 pm #
Sweet jeebus. I threw up in the garbage can next to my desk when I read that, and I had misread it, and thought at the time it said “Helen Hunt.” When I went back and re-read it, I discovered it said Helen *Thomas* in a black ah, uhh, uhhh, BLURRRRRRGGGGHHHH!
Please, make it stop.
tw: indeed, as in: “Helen Thomas in the sack smoking a butt post-coitus is indeed a truly nauseating mental image.
Comment by McGehee on 8/31 @ 5:23 pm #
Are you trying to make us feel sympathy for Zarqawi?
Comment by Spiny Norman on 8/31 @ 5:27 pm #
Captain Holly,
Of course. Empathy is a good thing, no?
TW: although…
Comment by Benedick on 8/31 @ 5:31 pm #
Jeff, I think this is your warning sign that it’s time to find yourself a different brand of tequila.
Comment by N. O'Brain on 8/31 @ 5:35 pm #
What was it someone said here the other day?
*sound of vomit hitting concrete*
Comment by SteveG on 8/31 @ 5:41 pm #
A doctor once told me toget one of those rubber bulb nasal irrigators, whip some warm water and a pinch each of baking soda and salt together. Get in the shower and run warm water and clear out as much as possible. Then hold one nostril shut and up the other with the fizzy salty mess. (It’ll feel like the old federales trick of shaing a bottle of soda up and sticking it up your nose as punishment for tequila fueled misadventures) Repeat. Do other nostril. Repeat.
I remember about a quart of brown gaaak… and I could breath again without choking.
Have fun. Consider it an experiment in solidarity with waterboarded detainees
Comment by Patricia on 8/31 @ 6:01 pm #
Call the doctor and get some Biaxin!
Comment by shank on 8/31 @ 6:04 pm #
Are you spitting up solid loogies yet? Because if you’re not, you’re nowhere near the downhill side.
Comment by Phil K. on 8/31 @ 6:13 pm #
Get thee some Mucinex, stat. Olde English doesn’t hurt, either.
Comment by Charlie (Colorado) on 8/31 @ 6:29 pm #
Mucinex. And large quantities of water.
The nasal irrigation thing helps a lot too.
Here’s a &ovtac=PPC&utm_source=GGL&utm_campaign=Sinus+Relief&utm_content=Sinus+AdGroup&utm_term=[nasal+irrigation]&utm_medium=PPC” target=”_blank”]nice nasal irrigation device available at Walgreens.
And here’s Mayo Clinic’s demonstration video.
Comment by Dr Deborah Frisch on 8/31 @ 6:30 pm #
Jonathan said:
Yes, of course you should have, and the reason that you haven’t is due to the bad karma you have received in not moving to Oregon and in with me!
Once you do this, you will experience a complete karmic change, your life will be wonderful, you’ll be mucus-free, and become a guest poster on The Liberal Avenger and Daily Kos!
Moreover, you can be like Keith Olberman, suddenly respected by all of us great intellectuals on the left!
Comment by nnivea on 8/31 @ 6:47 pm #
Beats having sex with Charles Durning…almost.
Comment by Dana on 8/31 @ 6:49 pm #
Many years ago, whilst a student at the University of Kentucky and living with a girl who didn’t like to wear a lot of clothing, I saw this book in the local counter-culture book and bong store, Squecial Media, on yoga. In it, it had all sorts of “yogic cleansing” methods, one of which involved a narrow piece of cloth that went in one nostril, into the throat, and out the mouth. (I swear on a signed photo of Deb Frisch that I’m telling the truth here.)
Apparently you pull this piece of cloth back and forth, to clean out the passages. I’m guessing this might clear out your mucus, if you can stand to do it!
Comment by Raging_Dave on 8/31 @ 6:55 pm #
Dear God… I can’t see… my mind’s eye has been blinded…
After I’m through vomiting I’ll go cleans my head out with bleach.
TW: Call. Call your therapist as soon as possible. For our sake.
Comment by Dana on 8/31 @ 7:03 pm #
It has been said that the voters of the great state of Massachusetts would reelect Ted Kennedy even if he was caught in bed with a live boy or a dead girl.
But what if he was caught in bed with Helen Thomas, alive or dead?*
* – Not that there’s much difference.
Comment by Dana on 8/31 @ 7:10 pm #
J Mark English wrote:
Dear Mr Goldstein: the rest of us small potatoes bloggers wish to be notified if this approach works!
Comment by Patrick Chester on 8/31 @ 8:50 pm #
Jeff wrote:
….
That sounds like you’re dying. From neurotoxins.
Comment by TheGeezer on 8/31 @ 11:12 pm #
Black rubber bra. And garters.
Just garters in addition to the rubber bra?
Will a knife in the forehead help me?
Comment by lee on 8/31 @ 11:26 pm #
OK, I wasn’t going to suggest this, because it goes against the specific instructions…but I feel for you.
Whip up a steaming mug of TheraFlu, and add a generous helping of rum. (Morgans Spiced Rum is my favorite.) Repeat as neccessary.
Don’t know if it speeds the recovery, but it does take away the pain.
Do not try if you plan on operating heavy equipement…or speaking coherently.
Comment by JD on 8/31 @ 11:47 pm #
I recommend hemlock. If nothing else, it’ll stop the visions of Helen Thomas.
Now I gotta go find some Drano to rinse out my brain…
Comment by Great Mencken's Ghost! on 9/1 @ 12:13 am #
Anybody wants to use this large vat of Clorox after I finish rinsing my imagination in it, feel free.
Comment by MarkD on 9/1 @ 12:45 am #
Could have been worse, I suppose. Sandy Burger on the other side of the bed and the FBI knocking at the door…
It can always get worse.
Comment by DaveS on 9/1 @ 1:38 am #
Just promise us that you don’t feel that way because you actually did those things.
Comment by commander0 on 9/1 @ 9:33 pm #
Charlie (colorado) dickweed, you just fucked the whole thread. Learn to use the magical http:// button. Thank you for your support.
those addresses are too fucking long, pal.
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