July 21, 2006

Overheard inside a Beirut bunker, Friday, July 21

First Hezbollah militant: “Bad news, brother.  The Zionist war machine is massed on the border and is threatening to invade on the ground.  It could happen at any moment now.”

Second Hezbollah militant: “Really?”

First Hezbollah militant: “I shit you not.”

Second Hezbollah militant:

First Hezbollah militant:

Second Hezbollah militant:

First Hezbollah militant: “…Which is why I was wondering… How would you feel about trying a pepperoni and sausage pizza?  Just this once?  In case things go bad –”

Second Hezbollah militant: “—And a six pack of this Smirnoff Ice, too?  Absolutely!  You read my mind, brother.”

Second Hezbollah militant: “In fact, I just wish we had a third warrior of Allah here with us now.”

Second Hezbollah militant: “Because then, we could, you know—vote on something.”

Second Hezbollah militant: “And, provided the proposition passed muster in accordance with a set of originary laws drawn from the idea of natural rights, we would then agree, as a matter of principle backed by law, to be bound by that vote until such time as the minority was able to convince the plurality to reconsider, and the vote was overturned through proper democratic channels.”

First Hezbollah militant:

First Hezbollah militant: “Wow.”

First Hezbollah militant: “I have to say that I knew deep down you were a bit of a rebel.  But this?  Why, you’re like James Dean, brother!”

Second Hezbollah militant: “Were I wearing blue jeans right now I’d surely have the cuffs rolled, true.  Not to mention—well, just be thankful you’re not a young Natalie Wood and this isn’t the backseat of a 1949 Mercury coupe…”

Posted by Jeff G. @ 8:34pm
43 comments | Trackback

Comments (43)

  1. They like women?

  2. “Why, you’re like James Dean!”

    Yep, complete with rigor mortis.

  3. It’s nice to dream.

  4. Awesome.

  5. That is epic!

    Greenwald; you wish you had that kind of talent!

  6. Is there anyone left who believes any of that hokey crap? </sarcasm>

  7. Was going to say, “In your dreams, Goldstein,” but “Jonathan Murray” beat me to it.  If only it were this easy to snuff out these fanatics.

    This part cracked me up:

    And, provided the proposition passed muster in accordance with a set of originary laws drawn from the idea of natural rights

  8. have either of our hezi militants noticed their traveling rather fast in a Spider?

  9. Gotta stop drinking so much during the day.  I thought Dean’s first name was Howard.

  10. AP reports today that soldiers from the 3rd Battalion, 187th Infantry Regiment, 101st Airborne Division said that; “The ROE(rule of engagement) was to kill all military age males”. Could this be why our soldiers are kidnapped and killed? Peace

  11. Hilarious. And I wish it were so.

    Guys, do try the pig before you die . . . a nice BLT is soooooooooooo good.

    TW: law – no kidding

  12. AP reports today that

    Link??

  13. “They like women? “

    Only if they are dressed as goats….

  14. Could this be why our soldiers are kidnapped and killed? Peace

    Imhotep:

    Michael Waddington, Hunsaker’s civilian lawyer, said his client followed orders and killed the detainees in self-defense after he and Clagett were attacked.

    hey were ordered to attack an island in northern Salahuddin province on May 9 and kill anti-Iraqi fighters with ties to al-Qaeda.

    But Hunsaker said three of the men then attacked him and Clagett as the soldiers were trying to bind the men’s hands with heavy-duty plastic ties.

    You suck, Imhotep.  Courts martial will decide this.  Meanwhile, the press headlines and asshats like you have already tried and convicted these people.  I imagine because in dangerous situations like yours, snap judgments are necessary.

    Peace.

  15. AP reports today that soldiers from the 3rd Battalion, 187th Infantry Regiment, 101st Airborne Division said that; “The ROE(rule of engagement) was to kill all military age males”. Could this be why our soldiers are kidnapped and killed? Peace

    That’s absolutely correct.  Our troops go out and machine gun all military-age males on the streets, in restaurants, in barber shops, at schools, at hospitals, in the Green Zone, and in the Iraqi parliament.

    Americans also kill all military-age males in the Iraqi army and police units in which our advisors are embedded.  It’s causing some friction between us and the Iraqis, as you might imagine, but our boys follow their orders, so it can’t be helped. 

    Peace.

  16. AP reports today that soldiers from the 3rd Battalion, 187th Infantry Regiment, 101st Airborne Division said that; “The ROE(rule of engagement) was to kill all military age males”.

    What?  No listening to the lamentations of their women?

    Just dang.

  17. Those militants should try an armadillo show to, you know, really open their minds.

    Lord knows we don’t get that kind of luxury.

  18. Imhotep:

    You need to be more precise. Their actual orders were to:

    go a-ridin’ into town, a whampin’ and whompin’ every livin’ thing that moves within an inch of its life. Except the women folks, of course.

  19. I know this is off topic, but I just wanted to congratulate you on the outcome of the recent frisch problem. You said that ‘frisch’ would become an internet verb, and you were right:

    The sad episode has one happy consequence. It has enriched the English language with a new verb. To quote an innovative blogger, “to frisch” means to write “something on the internet so creepy and offensive that you are forced to quit your job before getting canned.”

    http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,204283,00.html

  20. Mongol General: Wrong! Conan, what is best in life?

    Conan: To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of the women!

    Mongol General: That is good.

  21. Fuck Imhotep.

    This post is to brilliant to be eclipsed.

    Ignore the limp-dick.

  22. Taggart: I got it.

    Hedley Lamarr: What?

    Taggart: Let’s kill every first born male child in Rock Ridge.

    Hedley Lamarr: Nah, too Jewish.

  23. Damnit, Goldstein… Hezbollah as James Dean.

    That’s WAY too Dadaist for me, before my evening single malt.

  24. You want to make these bastards stop and pause?  Re-start neutron bomb technology, perfect it and drop and few on Tehran, un-exploded, but fully prepared to detonate at a moments notice…..

  25. Enough! Infidels unite! We demand the dancing Armadillo.

  26. Fuck Imhotep.

    No, we’ll just end up with more Imhoteps.

  27. well, just be thankful you’re not a young Natalie Wood and this isn’t the backseat of a 1949 Mercury coupe…”

    However, in reflection, times being what they are….

  28. Taggart: I got it! I got it!

    Hedley Lamarr: You do?

    Taggart: We’ll work up a “Number 6” on ‘em.

    Hedley Lamarr: “Number 6”? I’m afraid I’m not familiar with that one…

    Taggart: Well, that’s where we go a-ridin’ into town, a whampin’ and whompin’ every livin’ thing that moves within an inch of its life. Except the women folks, of course.

    Hedley Lamarr: You spare the women?

    Taggart: NAW. We rape the shit out of them at the Number 6 Dance later on.

    Hedley Lamarr: Marvelous.

  29. These militants seem to be pretty well versed in American pop culture.

    IMPERIALISTS!!!!!!

  30. http://www.imao.us/archives/cat_filthy_lies.html

    The inimitable Frank J explores the legal legend of GiGi.

  31. Sitcky – All Imperialists are Fascists by definition according to the asshats, except of course if you’re not American, in which case Rock On! Course there’s that pesky little “National Socialism” thing, but they dump AH on us too. Gotta admire that kind of perfidy, but not the fools that screech it.

  32. First time poster here although ive been reading this blog for a few months. THis post made me LOL — Goldstein FTW

  33. From Imhotep’s article:

    Girouard, Hunsaker and Clagett are also charged with obstruction of justice for allegedly threatening to kill another soldier if he told authorities what happened.

    If that quote is true, then clearly (a) there was no ROE to kill all military aged males, and (b) the soldiers who killed these guys knew they had done something wrong.

    We’ll just have to see how this plays out. My feeling is that, even if the killings were not “justified”, whether in this case, or Haditha, these guys are going to have to bear the burden of these up-close killings and I wouldn’t punish them much further, even if they were wrong.

    (On the other hand of course there are some charges out there where no excuses are possible, but neither this nor Haditha is one of those.)

  34. Footnote: If indeed they did threaten to kill one of their fellow soldiers, I consider that a very serious offense.  Can’t have that.

  35. Fuck Imhotep.

    No, we’ll just end up with more Imhoteps.

    Not to mention that it’s highly unlikely this has, or ever will happen.

  36. a set of originary laws drawn from the idea of natural rights

    Unfortunately, as we well know, one of those natural rights to this group is the right to kill Jews.

  37. Unfortunately, as we well know, one of those natural rights to this group is the right to kill Jews.

    What killing Jews is wrong? Jeez you wingnuts take away all of the fun! Next you’ll start wanting us to support the military or worse yet, to actually recognize the elections you won, you Nazi-like, racist spoil-sports.

    Oh yeah, I almost forgot, Glenn Greenwald wrote a book or something like that… you fascist money lovers!

  38. Would that be fascist money, or fascist lovers?  It’s important to get these insults right.  So when the new world order of Captain Crunch takes over, we know how many lashes to administer.

    I meant Count Cockula’s world order, sorry Jeff.  The signal for the uprising will be the armadillo dancing.

  39. Now that’s funny shit. That is. And it’s not clocks. I do not understand the clock thing.

    At all.

  40. My favorite clock thing was the “moment of liberal awakening” one with the “Hang on, are we still doing ‘tic’?” or whatever it was. Beautiful.

    TW: Taken together, the clock things comprise a masterwork. A masterwork, I tell you.

  41. Imhotep,

    AP?  Do you have any credible sources? 

    Thought not.

  42. imhotep,

    lets see… small island in middle of river that is a militant training base and insurgent stronghold.

    Special forces assault is repelled…new assault is planned… rules of engagement say every military age male on the island is considered a combatant.

    Ummmm, let’s say al Qaeda assaults Fort Irwin. Wouldn’t they be idiots not to assume every military aged male is a combatant?

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