May 13, 2006

Scenes from my driveway, continued x 62

Deadbeat neighbor: “So.”

Me: “So.”

Deadbeat neighbor: “Sorry to hear about your whole craziness thing.”

Me: “Thanks.”

Deadbeat neighbor:


Deadbeat neighbor: “So what’s it like, if you don’t mind my asking?  Do you hear voices, or…”

Me: “Honestly?  It varies from day to day.  For instance, yesterday was completely uneventful.”

Deadbeat neighbor: “Uh huh.  Meaning…?”

Me: “Meaning that my dog wasn’t commanding me to ‘go forth and slay all the philistines’ under penalty of completely digging up my herb garden.  Whereas right now, for instance, the only thing keeping me from gutting you like a catfish is that the Klonopin I’m taking makes me so tired that I lack the initiative to go find a sharp knife and a bucket.  And a big roll of plastic sheeting.”

Posted by Jeff G. @ 7:38pm

Comments (28)

  1. Did you realize that Superman having an orgasm would gut Lois Lane as if she were a trout?

    [/stealing from Larry Niven]

  2. Murdertastic.


  3. So, your neighbor, did you get any money from him?

  4. Not yet, but I bet he gets his act together now

  5. Damn, I hope you get another dead beat neighbor when you move, or maybe a sub-division building committee. I realize that this would not be good for you but I do value my entertainment.

  6. Lowe’s has a promotional price on heavy duty plastic sheeting.

  7. If you need help, buddy, just call out!

    A friend will help you move

    A true friend will help you move a body.

  8. Jeff

    I do believe there was a earlier discussion on easy body disposal. and Remember Power tools are there to make your body disposal problems much easier 8)

    well that what the cat told me.

  9. – Definately the dire begginnings of episode #1 of “Murder he wrote”….

    – One word of caution. Do not store the remains in your gym locker. Mike Hammer tried that once, and getting body parts out of his tennis racket completely ruined the strings. Cost him a bundle to get it restrung and tuned.

    Wordy gurdy: Game, match, and set. (that TM is really starting to freak me out)

  10. At least you have the rational sense to know that you would need a big roll of plastic sheeting. 

    I mean, when you can no longer process that logic, that’s when you truly need help.

  11. – Make that Game, set, and match, of course. And no freeking jokes, or I’ll come out to your house and stuff you in a gym locker.

    – “The Di Vinci Code”…. A dangerous and deliberate undermining of the divinity of Al Gore….

    TW: Just saying is all….

  12. I do believe there was a earlier discussion on easy body disposal. and Remember Power tools are there to make your body disposal problems much easier 8)

    Yeah, a good reciprocating saw is really indispensible.

  13. Speaking as a former prosecutor – I have two words for you Jeff.  Muratic Acid.  Got it?

  14. The problem with power tools is they tend to create aerosol, that is, hosing the area down with evidence.

    Clorox everything, man.

  15. Wood chipper.  The photo blowups will brighten up any courtroom.

  16. The question I have is just how does one go about acquiring large quantities of muratic acid?

  17. Jeff, you sound a little … on edge. You need to back away from the window.

  18. Beck, two words: Pool supplies.

  19. You’re just fuckin’ with the trolls now, right?

  20. Muratic (or muriatic, or hydrochloric) acid was selected by Ma Nature for digestive systems, so it would likely be a very effective aid in dealing with human or animal remains. See also:

    Modern forensic techniques, however, have also evolved with natural digestive processes in mind. Accordingly, it would probably be a good idea to combine two or more techniques—one for straightforward evidence destruction, and another for disrupting DNA testing—perhaps by disrupting the amplification necessary.

    Glad to see you’re getting back out on the driveway—don’t want to see you as a “shut-in”.

  21. You could easily hide the body in a storage unit … just don’t forget to pay the rent

  22. Dammit, both of my little jokes have already been done. I got nuthin’.

  23. Hmmm it seems the Great Cthulhu has already taken my advice to heart.  Or whatever analog for heart a large, H.P. Lovecraftian, timeless and malevolent entity has…

  24. Not that I’ve ever considered it, you understand, but just as an educational tip, down here where we farm alligators body disposal presents few problems.  Drop it in the meat grinder with a half ton of fish and feed it to the livestock.  I don’t think they do DNA analysis of alligator droppings.

  25. I don’t think they do DNA analysis of alligator droppings.

    – Only the more progessive watchers of PBS would support that. Who knows, it might prove the existance of Scully, once and for all.

    TW: If the delusional left ever got anything approaching a firm grip on reality, and stopped running war criminals for public office, we might actually have a lively election cycle for a change.

  26. Rule one: KISS

    Honest to god, haven’t you all watched CSI?

    Watch that first.  Take notes.

    Rule one: Grissom’s Rule

    Plan the post death disposal first. 

    That’s where they ALL get caught. 

    Don’t start planning disposal once you have a cooling body on your hands, you’ll be tired and stressed.


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