—Feh. Bad timing, I’m afraid. Fact is, I’ve already got the little guy secured with a couple bungee cords and electrical tape into a beautifully compact geodesic sphere, which I’ve jerry-rigged with white Christmas lights and adorned with fifty-one 1/2” candied glass panels designed to mimic the Waterford Crystal triangular plates used in the Times Square New Year’s Eve ball. Tomorrow night, at precisely 11:59:58, I drop the bastard from a 40’ backyard diving platform into baby pool filled with secondhand Kenny G CDs.
Which is what he gets for cracking open the case of Chandon Brut Classic I’d put aside for New Year’s Eve and getting our sixteen-year-old babysitter drunk as an Irish bridesmaid, then—after she’d passed out in her wee bra and panties—drinking the last 5 bottles himself out of her Simple Sugar Star-Perfs like some miniature Lothario on the half shell.
Boy, were Kimee’s parents ever pissed.
Comment by mRed on 12/31 @ 12:41 am #
Is the little guy just not interested or is he incapable? So close, but so unable to complete the mission. WOW, I woulda dived.
Comment by JWebb on 12/31 @ 12:48 am #
Dang! All I have is a dumb dog to blame farts on. I’m getting me one of them armadillos. . .
Comment by pinky on 12/31 @ 1:00 am #
I knew that scaly rat was trouble. After his Kenny G demise, I suggest braising. Littlr bastards are tough, and require slow cooking with moist heat.
Comment by rls on 12/31 @ 1:02 am #
Do you have to get them young and train them? How do you housetrain something like Jeff has? He can’t even keep the little fella out of the booze….probably soils the carpet too….and there is that leprosy thing.
I wonder how ‘dillo on the half shell tastes. We might as well eat the little bastard…he ain’t never gonna dance for us.
tw; This makes how many weeks now he has failed to perform?
Comment by me on 12/31 @ 1:07 am #
Actually I think the ‘dillo has Jeff trained to keep the liquor cabinet full.
Comment by Sortelli on 12/31 @ 1:09 am #
Will the babysitter dance in his place?
I’m just asking.
Comment by Leni on 12/31 @ 1:27 am #
I have finally put it all together, the armadillo if Jeff’s alter ego.
Comment by The Unabrewer on 12/31 @ 1:48 am #
Right before I read this, I was surfing Wikipedia and went from polyphasic sleep, to Buckminster Fuller, to geodesic dome.
Coincidence? Well, yeah probably.
Comment by RTO Trainer on 12/31 @ 2:30 am #
So….
Are you implying that Jeff is actually to blame for the outcomes described and he’s simply laying the blame at the poor Dasypod’s podiae?
Comment by Tom Ault on 12/31 @ 2:35 am #
You know, Jeff, I’ve noticed that for a blog named “Pro-teen Wisdom,” you’re not exactly overflowing with pro-positive life tools to help the adolescent set avoid those sticky inappropriate peer-2-teen choice behaviors (like these guys). Perhaps in the new year, you should resolve to provide helpful advice to our nation’s young people, who, in your old age, will be the one’s feeding you, changing your dipers, and embezzling your retirement funds in the old folks home.
Comment by SoCalJustice on 12/31 @ 3:30 am #
Don’t hate the player, Jeff.
Happy New Year, all!
Comment by red state moron on 12/31 @ 3:57 am #
Why only secondhand Kenny G CD’s?
Comment by malaclypse the tertiary on 12/31 @ 4:19 am #
He keeps Moët et Chandon
In his dorsal armament…
Comment by Tom M on 12/31 @ 4:25 am #
Well, thank God for the armour, I guess…
Comment by IWood on 12/31 @ 4:59 am #
There is nothing wrong with that armadillo figment that couldn’t be resolved with a resolute dunking into a bubbling pot of molten gruyère.
Comment by sangria drinker in a time of Beaujolais Nouveaux on 12/31 @ 5:04 am #
Brut? You serve deodorant for New Year’s?
Comment by Desert Cat on 12/31 @ 5:12 am #
Ok nevermind the dance. *That* performance was way more entertaining!
Comment by David Ross on 12/31 @ 5:22 am #
But is it a public geodesic sphere?
Comment by Geodesic Sphere in a time of tract housing on 12/31 @ 6:45 am #
Given the addition of Kimee, I think you included one too many ‘L’s…
{not a pervert, I swear}
Comment by maggie katzen on 12/31 @ 8:13 am #
what? are you funding this shindig?
Comment by Jonathan Dick on 12/31 @ 12:38 pm #
Jeff is making far too much use of the ASPCA loophole that allows hilarious cruelty to animals. (We’re all thinking it.)
Comment by Pablo on 12/31 @ 2:45 pm #
tw: court
I can see where this is going to wind up.
Comment by Chrees on 12/31 @ 4:54 pm #
Jeff, you may want to pass this post on to Derbyshire. I’m sure it will give him much… ummmm… pleasure.
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