July 31, 2014

Corey Haim’s “Notes from the afterlife,” 19

“Not that anyone’s really asked, but here’s one of the things I’ve learned since first arriving here:  never let another tenant borrow your Smiths mix tapes, or promise he’ll pay you later for the fistful of Oxycontin and pair of blunts you stupidly fronted him because you have a misguided trust in the integrity of other users.   Sympathy is for suckers.  And commerce is commerce.

“Number 2:  when it comes to cable TV in Heaven, just because ‘Full House’ was widely syndicated and ran for, like, fifty plus years or whatnot, doesn’t make it any more watchable once you’re dead.  And yet, all we get up here are episodes of ‘Murder, She Wrote’ and Olson twins marathons.  Which, if I didn’t know better, I’d point out is rather hellish — and yeah, I’m looking at your stupid hair, Stamos.  I mean seriously, bro:  were it any bigger, would anybody be surprised to learn that Joey Lawrence occasionally got fucked up on berry wine coolers and spent weekends crashing in it?

“And no, that’s not a rhetorical question.  Because before I died, I heard things…”

Posted by Jeff G. @ 11:01am

Comments (6)

  1. No father dowling mysteries or touched by an angel? Hmmmm.

  2. Please, please, please,
    Let me, let me, let me,
    Let me have one of your blunts,
    Corey Haim.

  3. Damn your complaining eyes, Corey Haim. All we get in hell are reruns of The Waltons.
    Maya Angelou

  4. FU sideways Maya, I’m stuck watching that shit too. Goodnight my ass, John Boy.
    Ralph Waite

  5. “All I get to watch is four episodes of the second season of Ice Road Truckers, the ones focusing only on that Debogorski dude and his laugh, his laugh! It burrows into my brain and makes me want to find Che Guevara and shove scissors into his ears.”

    –Hugo Chavez

  6. How rude!