December 3, 2013

a CITIZEN JOURNALIST enjoys his first FREE ObamaCare Pap Smear

I don’t really know what it is, this pap smear thingie — and my OBGYN seemed to have a hard time figuring out what to do or where to scrape — but even though whatever she ended up doing hurt like the dickens (but don’t worry, I’m fairly certain I’m cervical cancer free; I just used my free health care as a precautionary measure), it was worth it.

Because it was free.

And, well, you know how it is with we Jews.

Next up: protein wisdom goes in for an ultrasound to see if he’s pregnant, regardless of what the lying blood tests and the recalcitrant pee strips keep telling me. The fact of the matter is, this month I’m feeling like a very fertile young woman trapped in the body of a middle-aged, stocky patriarchal oppressor, and I have a gut feeling that I may be carrying my own child, no matter what these so-called “doctors” have to say. After all, who are they to dictate what kind of care I need or deserve as my human right?

Those decisions more properly belong to the government. And as they’re too busy trying to figure out how to keep a website up and running, I figure now is as good a time as any to sneak in some superfluous tests and rule out all sort of illnesses or, in the case of a pregnancy, punishments.

Plus there’s that free thing again.

Turns out not having a full-time gig has its perks! From the bottom of my emotionally-realized uterus, Obama, thank you!

Posted by Jeff G. @ 1:28pm
32 comments | Trackback

Comments (32)

  1. How are your boobs?

  2. Perky! With nipples like smashed blackberries!

  3. Parthenogenesis is science, too, you hater.

  4. You should also talk to your OBGYN about getting some prescription-level painkillers just in case you get them menstrual cramps real bad. Bet they’re covered.

  5. Sadly, I imagine a lot of feminists could benefit from a prostate exam, if only because they’d have to move their heads out of the way.

  6. …I have a gut feeling that I may be carrying my own child…

    Is the child going to be named “Athena” by any chance?

  7. Stay away from the armadillo.

    Very fertile young women and alchohol don’t mix will.

    Except for the armadillo.

  8. “And, well, you know how it is with we Jews.”

    Well, I know your microwaves smell crazy but not as crazy as a Phillipino’s. And you guys kind of clung to shag carpet longer than most.poeple did, at least locally. That’s like a house fixture I’m talking about not some kind of slang reference to pubes. And Mr. Lehman kept complaining about all the fat lazy wasps hanging around on his deck during his summer yard parties but I didn’t see any nests or anything.

  9. “I have a gut feeling that I may be carrying my own child…”

    Soon we will have robots to do that. Kids may not learnt to walk until they are seven. (Cue ” In the year 2525….”)

  10. you have to be proactive about you health

  11. You should probably schedule a mammogram before the end of the year. Get your titties smashed and x-rayed for FREE.

  12. You’re only entitled to 1 (one) free titty smash-n-scan every 5 (five) years, begining at age 55.

    Some of you bitches are gonna have to die if we’re serious about bending the curve.

  13. Don’t know what that thing is but I guess you’ll have to pass it to find out.

  14. It’s a good thing Jeff is exploring his feminine side. I imagine if there were a similar smash and scan on the family jewels, we’d see some improvement in the method.

    Or a lot of gimpy guys with soprano voices for a few days.

  15. Hey, everybody. CraigC here. How have you morons been? Oh, wait, that’s another blog. My username here is now GoPhils because, well, just don’t fuck with WordPress.

    This link might have been even more apropos to the Howard Dean post below, but WTF, this is a newer thread. Am I right? We all know that liberals think that history is an unbroken march forward, and they’re in the vanguard. John Hawkins has a nice article at Townhall…hey, where’s the thingy for changing fonts and creating hotlinks? Oh, well, here:

    http://townhall.com/columnists/johnhawkins/2013/12/03/why-liberalism-is-on-the-wrong-side-of-history-n1756368

    Anyway, it’s about how in reality, they’re on the wrong side of history. Oh, the ironing. Wait, that’s yet another blog….

  16. “You’re only entitled to 1 (one) free titty smash-n-scan every 5 (five) years, begining at age 55.”

    Instead you get one side done every 2.5 years unless one has a supernumerary nipple, in which case you can only get squished every 7.5 years. Pelosi you magnificent bastard, I read your law it to find out what was in it

  17. I imagine if there were a similar smash and scan on the family jewels, we’d see some improvement in the method.

    Yeah, too bad we don’t let women become doctors, engineers, or venture capitalists.

  18. Dudes can get mammograms. It’s not common but if you get a cyst in a man-pec then guess what they do with you? Yep. And some dudes grow a set of chi-chis anyhoo. And they didn’t even want them. They just sort of happened. And since the human body won’t eat them if you exercise(it’s not just fat but glandular growth) they need to be reduced which probably involves becoming a living tissue equivalent to a workpiece that needs some subtractive finishing work.

  19. I imagine a medical equivalent to an angle grinder but it’s probably just a scalpel job.

  20. Back when I had iritus blow up into maculitis I got sent to a specialist who wanted a picture of the macula of my eyes. Now my eyes are red, swollen and extremely sore dry and light sensitive. They ache and pulse when I’m in a room with light and outside I’m wearing dark glasses just so I can drive. And the way they take a picture of the macula is to put my head in a frame to hold it still, push a digital camera up to my eye, tell me to hold still, briefly shine a CRAZY bright light into my eye and take pictures. Like thirty or forty of them. It gets to the point where the light is in my skull and my arms are feeling around without my permission for a neck to ninja-snap to make it stop.

    Doctors generally care very about your pain everywhere but in the testing/diagnostic/biopsy fields. Then they tie your arm up in rubber and hit you with little hammers and rip off patches of dry skin with tape to see what was on it…

    Even the doctor who irrigated my infection on my back end apologized before he squeezed it out.

    But the people testing the range of motion in my shoulder? Nope. WRENCH WRENCH WRENCH WRENCH.

  21. Ha. Nice old school Protein Wisdom here.

  22. “Hey, Doc — it hurts when I move my arm like *this*.”

    “Really? Well, let me work your arm through that motion 30 or 40 times to see what’s going on!”

  23. Oy. I broke my wrist when I was a kid and had to have it x-rayed. The tech grabbed my arm above the elbow and my hand and straightened out my arm for the x-ray. While I’m seeing stars and biting my lip so I don’t scream, He tells me “Don’t move”, goes and changes plates and comes back and twists my arm over to x-ray the other side.

    The verdict? “Yup. That’s broken.”

  24. I’m not going to ask why palaeomerus know so much about man boobs.

  25. Moobs? Obama has those. I saw a picture of him in swim trunks once.

  26. “I’m not going to ask why palaeomerus know so much about man boobs. ”

    I’ve only got the one and while biologically inappropriate it’s of modest and hidable size.

  27. “a gut feeling that I may be carrying my own child”…. well Jeffro, I strongly advise that you put Satch down as you may find yourself with not only a gut feeling but a back feeling especially if he is wearing his medals handily won of late.

  28. Having done more reading since last I discussed medical science on these pages, I’m kinda apathetic about the “if men had to do medical procedure x, it would be painless/have no side effects/etc.”.

    Given I’m pretty sure prostate exams are still acutely uncomfortable and that discomfort a subject of frequent low humor, it doesn’t square up.

  29. From the doctor end of things, a few notes regarding comments above.

    First of all, orthopedic surgeons must all be able to keep a smiling face when causing pain (I believe this course is usually given by dentists). Beware if they keep asking you “is it safe.” They also have maximum empathy IQ limits that force them into other fields like forensic pathology if they care too much about causing pain. Interestingly, those with particularly low empathy IQ’s can also train as physical therapists and IRS auditors.

    Secondly, men are supposed to perform testicular self examination from adolescence to senility. Adjusting your jock strap, BVD’s or scratching do not count. Your doctor is supposed to show you how to do this when you are a teenager. You are NOT supposed to get an erection when that happens. However we usually just chuckle and say, “well, THAT reflex is working” and move onto the next test:

    The prostate exam is only part of the rectal exam. We are also checking for rectal cancer, hemorrhoids, light bulbs, bowling pins and your head. It is really important that you not cry or whine too much during this exam, or you will be mistaken for a fighter pilot.

    Jeff, did your GYN use a plastic or metal speculum and was it pre-heated? Were the stirrups heated or covered with socks? And was the specimen taken with a brush or a broom?

    Enquiring minds want the details.

  30. heh.

    So, does the question “Is it safe?” imply that we ought to have pre-established a safe-word in concert with our eventual tormentor, at least to give him an indication we’re on the verge of stabbing him in the neck with an ice-pick?

  31. “if men had to do medical procedure x, it would be painless/have no side effects/etc.”

    That wasn’t what I meant, but since two people have commented on it, I’ll own it.

  32. The only time anyone ever asks me “Is it safe?” is when I’m the one suggesting some potentially risky action — like hang gliding, or hiding the Cheetos from Michael Moore.

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