July 2, 2005

Scenes from my driveway, continued x 58

Deadbeat neighbor:  “So, I’m thinking about heading out to the Cherry Creek Arts Festival today.”

Me:  “CHICKEN ARTS SUPPORTER!”

Deadbeat neighbor:  “I beg your pardon –”

Me:  “– You heard me.  YELLOW-BELLIED PHONY!”

Deadbeat neighbor:  “Yeah, I heard you.  I’m just not sure I follow –”

Me:  “– Tell me, pussy, have you ever even lived in Cherry Creek?”

Deadbeat neighbor:  “No, but I –”

Me:  “– Are you an artist?”

Deadbeat neighbor: “No, but –”

Me: “THEN WHAT BUSINESS DO YOU HAVE SUPPORTING THE ARTS IN CHERRY CREEK?”

Deadbeat neighbor:

Me:

Deadbeat neighbor: “I have to tell you, I’m a bit confused –”

Me: “– Whatever. Bitch to your hairdresser, Sally.  BWAWK! BWAWK BWAWK BOK!”

Posted by Jeff G. @ 4:09pm
41 comments | Trackback

Comments (41)

  1. Wait, the neighbor is a lady?  I’d always assumed it was a guy.  Or are there two of them?

    I’d say this was a great piece and I support the writing of more, but that would make me a chickensatirist.

  2. Oh, wait, I’m just stupid.  You’re insulting his masculinity,

  3. LOL. … you waste a lot more energy then I do, it would have went like this:

    Deadbeat neighbor:  “So, I’m thinking about heading out to the Cherry Creek Arts Festival today.

    ME: POW(fist connects with jaw), shut the fuck up, I don’t need no CHICKENRANT today.

    Deadbeat neighbor:THUNK(as neighbour hits the floor)

  4. Jeff, c’mon you can tell us. Dead Beat Neighbor is the other voice inside your head, isn’t he? Mine is Bob Newhart.

  5. That made me laugh.  Really hard.

  6. Hilarious

  7. Deadbeat neighbor:  “So, I’m thinking about heading out to the Cherry Creek Arts Festival today.”

    Me: “WHY ARE YOU GIVING AID AND COMFORT TO OUR ENEMIES!?”

    Deadbeat neighbor:  “Huh?”

    Me: “You heard me.  INTER-URBANIST TRAITOR!”

    Deadbeat neighbor:  “Yeah, I heard you.  I’m just not sure I follow –”

    Me: “Tell me, traitor, have you stopped loving the terrorists?”

    Deadbeat neighbor:  “No, but I—I mean, I never –”

    Me: “HA!  DEFINITIVE PROOF OF YOUR ABIDING HATRED FOR YOUR OWN HOMETOWN!”

    Deadbeat neighbor: 

    Me:

    Deadbeat neighbor:  “I like this city, it’s just that –”

    Me:  “Whatever.  Bitch to Kofi Annan, hippie.”

  8. …Tell me, do you try to dress like me, too?

  9. IT’S OKAY JUST TO BE YOU, MAN!  WE LOVE YOU FOR YOU!

  10. I DRESS LIKE NO ONE.  I AM AN “INDEPENDENT”, “PRINCIPLED LIBERTARIAN” WHO HOLDS NO PARTY ALLEGIANCE, AND TOTALLY NOT A REPUBLICAN SHILL.

    BECAUSE OF THE HYPOCRISY!!

  11. Wow. It’s like having my own tribute band! 

    “FREEBIRD”!

  12. How can you use the tribute band analogy?  Have you ever played Seals and Croft covers for a crowd of 7 ladder salesmen at a Holiday Inn in Rapid City?

    Back off the tribute bands facist Musichitler.

  13. Funny you should mention that.  Just got done doing “Diamond Girl” and “We Will Never Pass This Way Again” for some of the neighborhood kids. 

    Unappreciative little brats peddled off right in the middle of my recorder solo.

  14. Jeff,

    If you guys go, do me a favor an at least buy a beer at Rodney’s.  He’s been whining to me about his sales being down.  Thanks

  15. It takes a finely-tuned mandolin tuned to pull S&C off.  I know from my days as a founding member of “Jasmine in Your Mind.”

  16. You should see this bit I worked up—it’s a whole mock diary that Martha Stewart would have written while she was in prison.  Every single day, man, it’s a classic.

  17. [singing] CJ and Jeff, sitting in a tree ….

  18. That does it, I’m starting my own blog because, well, I CAN SMASH ACORNS WITH MY COCK!

  19. [singing w/Darleen} B-L-O-G-G-I-N-G…

  20. Have you had your head examined lately?

  21. Have you ever played Seals and Croft covers for a crowd of 7 ladder salesmen at a Holiday Inn in Rapid City?

    No, but I have played Seals and Crofts for some function I don’t remember at the Washington Hilton.

  22. No, but I have stayed in a Holiday Inn Express. Just not the one in Cherry Creek.

    Is there one in Cherry Creek?

  23. That does it, I’m starting my own blog because, well, I CAN SMASH ACORNS WITH MY COCK!

    I used to do that, but I had to start using walnuts, instead.  Because my eyes are not so good, anymore…

    smirk

  24. I’ve never lived in Cherry Creek, but I worked there.  It was pretty nice until they fertilized wit buffalo shit, then it stank to high heaven.  There was a good book store there, but it was full of hippies.

  25. I was at the Cherry Creek Arts Festival and it was hot as hell. Had to slip into the nearby Mall theatre to cool down watching War of the Worlds. All in all not a bad day.

  26. <blockquote>I used to do that, but I had to start using walnuts, instead.  Because my eyes are not so good, anymore…<blockquote>

    Well, my eyes aren’t so good either.  To tell you the truth, I’ve been smashing Fig Newtons lately.  They still taste pretty good when the violence is over . . .

  27. They still taste pretty good when the violence is over . . .

    Ewwwwwwwww!  You’d eat a Fig Newton after you touched it with your cock?  I mean, I’m hardly a prude, but still…

  28. I CAN SMASH ACORNS WITH MY COCK!

    I could smash acorns with your cock too.

    I use my cock for sex, peeing, and occasionally steering if I need my hands for holding soda and waving at pretty girls. 

    The rest of you guys are just weird.

  29. Ok, Tommy.  How about that time you steered your boat right into that tree?

  30. Didja ever notice how some threads veer wildly away from anything even resembling their original subject?

  31. This post had an original subject?

    [scrolls up frantically]

  32. Didja ever notice how some threads veer wildly away from anything even resembling their original subject?

    Yeah, I notice.  I actually look for this, just because it’s fun.  It happens all the time here and at AOSHQ, for example.  The key is really a site owner who actually crafts a post that encourages this happen.  Jeff does this much better than the site owners who just leave a lame “open thread” post.  So does Ace.

    You can occasionally observe the same phenomena of a comment thread careering in unexpected directions at other sites.  I’ve seen this at Scrappleface or LGF, for example, but it’s unusual and you’ll get lost in the crowd if you comment there.

  33. And if you scroll up, you’ll notice that Jeff was acting as an agent provocateur with his interventions in this thread in order to encourage it to veer off to the weird.

    I mean, I really don’t think he knows recorder solos to Seals & Crofts tunes.

  34. oh, that reminds me. jeff, what kind of recorder do you have? traditional white or one of the new more colorful plastic ones?  i guess wood is an option too, but it doesn’t seem very “rock star” still, it’s hard to resist the clear purple one in the store.

  35. Ivory, c. 1979.  They don’t craft ‘em like that any more.  When I play Styx’s “Boat on the River,” it sounds like Pan himself is channeling Tommy Shaw’s soul.

  36. Ivory, c. 1979.  They don’t craft ‘em like that any more. 

    That’s because ivory imports are illegal, and were so in 1979.  So, I’m guessing your black market ivory recorder must have cost you a fortune.  Why waste it on Styx?  You should be doing Lynyrd Skynyrd for the neighborhood kids.  Maybe they won’t pedal away so fast.

    FREEEEEBIIIIIIIRD!

  37. Or, you could do Frampton.  I mean, the mellifluous tone of a genuine ivory recorder doing Frampton would be awesome:

    Ooh baby I love your way (everyday)

    Wanna tell you I love your way

    Wanna be with you night and day

    Ooh baby I love your way (everyday)

  38. No, I think Frampton just cries out for an ocarina.

  39. Y’know, I’ll bet Frampton would’ve sold lots more records if had used a recorder instead of a talk box.

    Just thinking out loud here…

  40. ooooor, recorder with talk box.

  41. Frampton!!!  Frampton!!!!

    GeeeeeeeeeSus Gawd… use your cock to smash THAT!

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