May 1, 2013

my first brief conversation with Tanner’s ear infection

me: “Jesus, the kid just turned one. Why don’t you pick on somebody your own size?”

ear infection: “Actually, I’m made up of bacteria. I’m quite small, both individually and in the aggregate — certainly smaller than the boy who is hosting me.”

me: “Whatever. Asshole.”

ear infection: “I’m just as God made me, sir.”

Posted by Jeff G. @ 3:55pm

Comments (80)

  1. That is a very polite ear infection. I expected different from a collective.

  2. Oof, da, Jeff! My 2.5 year old just got through a 2 antibiotic ear infection. I feel your pain (and probable lack of sleep).

  3. Now that you have begun this discussion you will, of course, pursue a sensible policy of comprehensive infection reform.

  4. have you notified “big sis”

  5. ear infection: “I’m just as God made me, sir.”

    Why they gotta be WHITE blood cells?

  6. 30 years ago we called them the $44 bug.

    Which was the cost of the Doctors visit and the amoxicillin cocktail back then.

  7. Is he cutting teeth, Jeff? If so, it could be related to that. Not that that knowledge quells the screaming.

  8. ear infection: “I might suggest you save your exasperation for sinus infections, toothaches, and his likely turn toward a sedentary bookishness in contrast to your older son’s athletic tendencies.”

  9. Have you investigated the ear infection’s root cause? I’m sure he (it?) is just feeling a bit alienated and unwelcome (your fault, naturally), or perhaps just angry over his failure to achieve his goal of developing into a special SARS strain (damn you, CDC!). Time for some introspection. Or asylum & food stamps.

  10. And if one of your neighbors raises the question of whether it has ties to strep throat, take it seriously.

  11. – Since all bacteria’s and viruses are Progressive, any comment containing the word God is religious propaganda.

  12. Have you investigated the ear infection’s root cause?

    Latent racism, no doubt.

  13. Poor little guy…

    Went through something like that about a month ago with Zander. And I went to take care of him to help give his parents a break (eye infection + respiratory infection + all molars coming in). All he wanted to do was cuddle, sleep and be miserable.

    Then I went home and came down with the respiratory stuff …

    So dad & mom? Take extra care of YOURSELVES and Satch, too!

  14. Hey, now. Most bacterial ear infections are caused by bacteria already resident in your body.

    Albeit they normally hang out in the upper respiratory system, so I guess they are illegal immigrants to the Eustachian tubes.

    …As you were, then.

  15. Ack, Darleen! You ended up with RSV? Poor you and Zander. That is so miserable it almost makes you wish it would just kill you and get it over with.

  16. Here’s a fun fact!

    A person has more bacteria cells thriving in/on them than human cells that constitute the person he/she actually claims to be.

    Sweet dreams….

  17. OT: The Shortest Horror Story

    The last man on Earth sat alone in a room.
    There was a knock on the door.

    -Frederic Brown

  18. Lee, if you want to see something really scary look up some electron microscope photos of the critters on your eyelashes.

    Sweet dreams.

  19. – For something even more horrifying, I’d recommend Al Gores baby pictures.

  20. You’ve gone too far, BBH.

  21. Dust mites are awesome too.

  22. Why haven’t you yet declared his ears to be bacteria-free zones?

  23. leigh

    yeah… RSV kicked my ass … and I hate hate hate being sick!

  24. the bacteria in hairplugs brain

    Biden talked about his work in Congress on the Violence Against Women Act when he brought up the Deliverance reference.

    “After those guys tied that one guy to the tree and raped him, man-raped him in the film, why didn’t the guy go the sheriff?” Biden asked. “They don’t want to get raped again by the system.”


  25. Man-raped? I guess that’s rape-rape not true wuv, huh?

  26. I hope Tanner feels better.

  27. why didn’t the guy go the sheriff?

    Been awhile since I watched that movie, but didn’t they end up killing the rapist?

    Seems a reasonable alternative to involving law enforcement to me.

    Ned lives in my neighborhood by the way…

  28. I hope it’s not a regular thing. I had to have tubes in my ears when I was a toddler. I think it was four operations total because they’d come out and the same old problems would happen again. Then when I got a physical for an insurance policy the doctor looked in my ear, saw the massive scarring and started doing impromptu ” can you hear this? ” tests to see if I needed a hearing screening. (I didn’t. Them ears is ugly inside but they still work.)

  29. I hate to spoil it for Biden, but Deliverance is one of those racist ‘ unga-bunga cannibals in the jungle with bones in their hair and face paint and a big iron pot ‘ movies that Hollywood used to make, only it’s set in rural Georgia. And it’s the superior city people instead of the superior white quasi-British civilized people who have to grit their teeth and brutally kill their way out of danger.

    Despite the change of setting and target, it still serves the same basic slanderous demonizing purpose. Hicks are now seen as the new murderous primitive savages. Nice old friendly fella’s from Atlanta should fear the sick aggression and resentment of North Georgian rural folk. (I’d say the truth is more likely the other way around).

    Burt Reynolds is PROUD of being involved in that shit. What a screwy ass hat he is.

  30. Didn’t somebody do a whole essay about Liberals lost in the savage jungle of rural America-themed movies? The Hills Have Eyes seemed to feature prominently, if I remember rightly.

  31. – “Yeh, well, maybe so….but she knows what they were all thinking of doing to her.”

  32. Apocalypto is essentially ‘The Hills Have Eyes: Precolombian Maya Edition’.

    I think Hill tried to add in the nuclear test fallout angle to the general ‘grotesque inbred tribals what skulk amongst us’ angst.

  33. Kids being sick sucks. My 5 year-old has spent the last few days sounding like she smokes a couple packs of Marlboro reds every day. Which I’m pretty sure she doesn’t.

    I hope your little one starts feeling better soon.

  34. I don’t think hate-fuck is even related to rape. I think the concept is more about having no attachments or affections to worry about so you just enjoy the sex as sex with no possible strings because you already dislike one another. It’s not about anger and violence and domination. It’s not even a nonconsensual thing.

    It’s about cleaning your pipes all business like with no emotional complications and going to someone you think is nice looking but otherwise don’t care for. There’s no ‘will you respect me tomorrow’ aspect because you don’t much respect each other now. You like the way they look, and they like the way you look, you have incentive to get it over with, and so ten minutes later you both have a great reason to shower and leave. It’s more a description of a dismissive attitude than it is vicious.

    I usually hear it in relation to ex-lovers where the relationship ended badly but the sex kind of goes on intermittently. “Yeah we aren’t getting back together or anything but we still fall off the wagon and hate fuck every now and then”.

    I think the goofball hoaxer doesn’t quite understand the lingo. It sounds really mean and violent so it must be about rape.

  35. “My 5 year-old has spent the last few days sounding like she smokes a couple packs of Marlboro reds every day. Which I’m pretty sure she doesn’t.”

    How could she afford to? That’d be what…around ten bucks now?

  36. The best movie in that genre (the original genre, not the liberals and the mercy of inbred hillfolk revision) is The Naked Prey.

    Colter’s Run in Darkest Africa.

  37. That’d be what…around ten bucks now?

    This month my husband hits the 2 year anniversary of his stopping smoking.

    Not only are my nights quieter as he stopped sounding like a boiling tea-kettle as he slept, but I don’t have to listen to him rage over the price of a pick of smokes every time he went to buy some.

  38. I wonder if there will be noble hillbilly movies eventually. Broken Shotgun?

  39. Well Netflix online doesn’t have ‘The Naked Prey’. They thought I might like ‘Naked Gun’ though.

  40. Six weeks today since I sucked a cig.

    Boy, the Dems really want to need the draft soon.

    Glad I’m not gay; they’re going to be first up.

    Kinda smart really. The gay brigade ain’t likely to surrender to the muslim brotherhood. It’ll definitely be a do or die proposition.

  41. I wonder if there will be noble hillbilly movies

    Only if that Lee Siegel asshole and others of his ilk get their way.

  42. here is a noble hillbilly movie for you Mr. pal

    also this one

  43. good job Mr. lee after about 3 years and 43.1775 weeks you’ll notice the cravings become much easier to deal with

  44. Lee

    Who knew that Obama would bring back Don’t Ask Don’t Tell

    …for Christian soldiers …

  45. Anybody who’s been paying attention?

  46. you can’t have too many good times children you can’t have too many lines*

    but you’ll never hear the crack of a frown when you are here

  47. -The Democrat/Progressive “Springtime in Benghazi” train wreck picks up speed.

    – Hearings to reconvene next Wed., with whistleblowers on hand to testify. Obama’s only option at this point is to threaten wives and children.

  48. Ear infections suck, my oldest would show no symptoms up until his ear drum would rupture. Thankfully ear drums have remarkable healing ability. These days if he doesn’t hear what I say it is largely by choice.

    My younger son, on the other hand, would howl like a banshee.

    I’d be careful about starting conversations with commensals. Even without the ear infection the number of non-human cells on and in Tanner outnumber his own human cells by a goodly margin so if you don’t keep thing brief you might get tied up for quite some time.

  49. So lemme get this here straight*.

    Chic Fil A is engaged in an all out, final, atomic DOOM-WAR against all non-heteronormative values and queer identity, lead by Star Admiral and notorious corn dog appreciator Michelle “Crazy Eyes “Bachmann, but Christians, whole denominations of which, are being listed as various extremist terror groups in a US army manual alongside Al Queda…have a persecution complex.

    *(That’s wut she said lololololooll)

  50. **

  51. “Darleen says May 1, 2013 at 10:16 pm
    Who knew that Obama would bring back Don’t Ask Don’t Tell
    …for Christian soldiers …”

    Forward but not Onward. Never Onward.

  52. plus also Chic Fil A has awesome breakfast chicken biscuits

  53. Thing is happyfeet, Christianity isn’t going to fade to nothing in America, much as you may wish it.

    Nope, it will be replaced.

    Good luck with the god of State. A fearsome and jealous god, who only wants to make you do what’s best for you

  54. i love christianity I just think it gets cheap cheap cheapened when its mostest puissant expression in america is reduced to republican platform planks


  55. “plus also Chic Fil A has awesome breakfast chicken biscuits”

    That’s probably why the army should totally non-persecutionally list them as an extremist terrorist group along side the KKK.

  56. you should at least try them

  57. “Good luck with the god of State. A fearsome and jealous god, who only wants to make you do what’s best for you”

    Don’t worry. It won’t last long with no stupid America equivalent to prop it up financially. Those super-dumb lysenkoist ideas born from the finest intellectually correct pro-revolutionary theories, the consensus of the choicest minds and experts, and powered by the revolutionary fervor of the liberated workers and HISTORY ITSELF, will have real immediate consequences now. I mean great leap forward style consequences.

    The gods of the copy book headings are already heating up their slightly bent golf clubs in a campfire so they’ll be ready at a moment’s notice to administer the thrashing we’ve worked so hard to bring down on ourselves (and probably the next couple of generations). Heinlein’s bad luck approacheth.

  58. Speaking of persecution complexes, here’s that Siegel asshole again:

    [A] sundering of the union would make the other half of America equally fulfilled. The red-state republic could finally establish a theocracy in which the fundamentalist Christian church would legislate all the important aspects of civic life.

    He says that like it should be a natural selling point to red staters for his red state blue state seccession.

  59. That Fundamentalist Christian Theocracy(TM) stuff is just the sort of evil bad luck spirits his special genius expert magic keeps away from the simple villagers which is why he gets the big fish and the fisherman gets an IOU from the village.

    It’s like protection money scam only with an invisible thug that would be leaning over menacingly if he were visible but he ain’t so ya might think he’s nobody there, but can ya take the chance on that Mack? What if that theocrat is right where I say he is and he’s got a duster on his hook and it’s cocked back, and he’s rarin’ to go split some meat if I were ta spit out my toothpick?

    If anybody saw through the act, the guy’d be a bum trying to rake leaves for a cheeseburger combo and some bus money. But they don’t so his crying wolf routine goes on and he still gets published by the same old e-rags.

  60. Lee, congrats on quitting. I did it several years ago. You’ll have a rollercoaster ride for about a year.

    Wash/Dryclean all clothes/coats/bedding. Your sense of smell will improve significantly, and when you run into something that you wore when smoking, you’ll know it!

    Your sense of taste improves too. Subtle tastes in foods will reappear.

  61. “plus also Chic Fil A has awesome breakfast chicken biscuits”

    The secret ingredient is liberal outrage!

    [Hope the kid feels better – you old folks take care of yourselves, too.]

  62. Ernst

    The whole Christian theocracy schtick is a slanderous lie. Fucktards like Seigel cannot cite one major Christian denomination that preaches it nor anything in Biblical scripture that demands it.

    Yet the Left is all agog with Islamism and ignores the worldwide polling that shows the vast majority of Muslims (80% plus) want Sharia.

    The American Left says it supports religious freedom, but only if THEY (like hf) get to dictate what Christians and Jews are allowed to believe, how to engage proper worship and behavior.

  63. Darleen –

    I’m trying to get some traction for the phrase “Muslim supremacists” to describe what we’re fighting.

    Not original with me – but it has the advantage of being true, and ringing the right bells (or blowing the right dog whistles).

  64. I’m glad some people are talking about the military thing, even if some don’t seem to get it, and want to talk about persecution complexes.

    This is obviously about culling a large block of conservatives from the ranks, and driving a wedge between the right and the military.

  65. I don’t think hate-fuck is even related to rape.

    How would Meg Griffin Lanker even know what fucking is?

  66. She is married, although admittedly that may not mean much.

    I keep bringing that up, because of the tremendous pity that I feel for the fellow, and because I think he deserves the recognition.

  67. the worldwide polling that shows the vast majority of Muslims (80% plus) want Sharia.

    Do you have a link to that? Not disputing it, just don’t have time to look right now.

    I’m trying to get some traction for the phrase “Muslim supremacists” to describe what we’re fighting.

    I’m going to start using it. I like it a lot.

  68. Boy, that guy had an irresistible compulsion to throw himself on a grenade, didn’t he?

  69. Maybe she let herself go after they tied the knot. I doubt it, but you never know.

  70. Beemoe –

    “Muslim supremacists”

    Rather rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it?

    The groundswell continues with us!

  71. Okay, I’m going to be a huge asshole and suggest that she absolutely DOES know what a hatefuck is but doesn’t know it’s called a hatefuck or why and thinks that term means rape. But I bet there is not much tender,grateful, intimate, magical love making going on. I bet it’s a get it done quick, shower and move on to something else affair.

    And I’m not talking about her being a fatty either. I’m talking about her being an attention seeking drama bomb for great justice (and greater bullshit if necessary). Having sex with her is probably like shooting a cowboy at Westworld. Once is plenty, it’s at its core a meaninglessly animatronic simulation of a real experience, and you hope one of them never ever finds it’s way out of the park. being treated like a tamed reformed rapist all the time by some boisterous cow would make me close bank accounts, buy one way bus/plane tickets, and leave the furniture and clothes behind.

  72. I doubt it would matter, Leigh. With her nasty, hateful personality she could look like Bar Refaeli and still be a grenade.

  73. …or what palaeo said…

  74. Perhaps you should explain to Tanner that these childhood infections constitute rigorous training of his immune system, and that the more he suffers now, the less likely his immune system will turn against his thyroid, myelin sheaths, adrenal glands, pancreas, or joint tissue.

    That should cheer him right up!

  75. I suspect the guy is very good at doing what he’s told, or else the bitter prog feminist drama turns on him.

    Sort of like Richard Bucket only in the desperate straits of all-too-real life.

  76. Keeping Up Toxic Delusions coming this spring on BBC America! It’s death-spiral comedy for the probably doomed.

  77. If you happen to mention the ear infection in Boulder, you will likely be advised to let it run its course. After which you can tranq the people advising you and tattoo “SANCTIMONIOUS ASSHOLE” in some large bold font of your choice on their forehead.