April 22, 2013

a CITIZEN JOURNALIST reflects on Earth Day and what it means to the health of our planet

Frankly, I’m torn.  On the one hand, I desperately want to do my part, which for me amounts to breathing a lot less and planting sustainable foods using a ploughshare and the cache of heirloom seeds I picked up off eBay, then watering my bounty to root with the sweat of my brow; on the other hand, however, I can’t help but feel like every time I stand over the combed dirt, erect and eager, sickle in hand, by my subsequent violent thrustings I’ll be in essence ripping through the Great Mother’s under garments, penetrating her with my hard steel, taking advantage of her need to feel loved and fertile in order to satiate my own lust, my own power, my own desire to see my seed gain purchase.

And that just feels creepy, truth be told.

— Which I suppose is why I’m leaning toward letting Mexicans do it for me.

And honestly:  is that really so wrong?

I mean, it beats ripping gourds from the ground, hacking them up, and then stuffing them in a trunk.*




Posted by Jeff G. @ 10:43am

Comments (39)

  1. Big flakes falling in Ft Collins. Headed your way. Trade sickle for snowshovel, but keep the guilt.

  2. You don’t need to rip Ma Nature’s undergarments to be green, just stuff her in a trunk.

  3. I like to celebrate Earth Day just like it’s founder, Ira Einhorn. I go and find a plant that I like, wrap my hands around it, tear it out of the earth, pull it apart, and then stuff it in a trunk.

    Of course he did that with a human being….

  4. 60 seconds slow, Ernst…

  5. Wait, it’s Earth Day?

    That must be why I woke up this morning with an overwhelming urge to drive my truck, eat some food that’s bad for me, and then clear-cut a tropical rain forest or two.

    Those damn trees, living parasitically on the flesh of dear Mother Earth. Kill ’em all!

  6. Earth Day, Lenin’s birthday… toMAYto, toMAHto, really.

  7. @McGehee…Ever looked out an airplane window at 30,000 feet and realized that trees are just a parasitic mold growing on the earth? Matter of perspective.

  8. Siberia’s tribute to Lenin (no idea if the Russian is correct):


  9. The one square of toilet paper thing (thanks Sheryl Crowe) has been difficult but other than the smell and unclean feeling, I feel like I’m doing my part.

  10. Onan wasted his seed on the ground, so God struck him down. So watch out.

  11. I thought, as per the example set by the Obama administration, we were supposed to eat the seed corn?

    Or, maybe grind it into flour, for the chips and salsa at Mooshelle’s next big White House soiree.

  12. I’ll be in essence ripping through the Great Mother’s under garments, penetrating her with my hard steel, taking advantage of her need to feel loved and fertile in order to satiate my own lust, my own power, my own desire to see my seed gain purchase.

    Does that mean Earth is a Mother I’d Like to Farm?

  13. As Darth has reminded us, it’s also Vladimir Illych Ulyanov’s birthday, so another acceptable practice would be to plow up, burn out, or salt the eath of all your neighbors’s gardens in order to force them to use the community garden.

    For their own good, of course.

  14. I would feel better if mom would stop trying to kill me.

  15. Shit! I forgot to put up my Holly Maddux Memorial Earth Day Post! Thanks Jeff!

  16. Sorry bgbear, mother nature always has too many mouths to feed, including the worms, and you were never her favorite anyway.

  17. Fuck you. If I want to kill the planet with plastic grocery bags and by driving my car then I will.

  18. By the way it took nature about about 27 years to fuck my driveway up. So far it’s taking me more than 13 years to fix it.

    Paved over earth comes back folks. Look at Detroit for proof.

  19. I don’t know what the earth’s done for me lately.

    I mean, ask the Chinese and Iranians who just got flattened in the latest tectonic shift, or the Japanese and Indonesians with their respective tsunamis.


  20. 7/10 of our planet is covered in deadly dihydrogen monoxide. Only fish can breathe that shit.

  21. earth day is the day where you go to google and you can click and make the animals sorta pop out of a cabve or whatever and if you’re reese witherspoon you apologize for being a goddamn bitch

  22. pop out of a *cave* I mean

  23. Mother Nature is always looking to kill us. The bitch.

  24. So far the Earth has murdered or is expected to murder all her children.

    That’s 6 billion human deaths alone in the next 90 years or so not to mention all the hamsters and gold fish.

  25. I heard Rush reading a list of all the bad shit that was going to go down according to the manifesto from the first Earth Day, 43 years ago.

    We’re all supposed to be dead NOW. In fact, we’re hanging in there 13 years longer than predicted. Go us!

  26. oh, Mother Earth did not kill Jesus, that was the Romans.

  27. Instead of driving, I turned on my Gaia raping SUV and parked it in the driveway. Then, I let it idle until it ran out of gas, lower emissions. And I turned down the AC to 50 a d chewed through some seriou freon. And emptied 6-7 aerosol cans chock full of CFC’s. And burned an entire tank of propane on my gas grill. I basically tried to create my own little Nirvana ecosystem. And I threw styrofoam in the regular trash. I wanted to burn coal, but that is surprisingly difficult to find.

  28. earth day is retarded i’ve noticed crazy cat lady whose apartment i can see from my balcony is always watching tv in the dark

    every goddamn night – I know it’s not cause she’s poor cause of she has a two bedroom and it’s just her and the fucking cats so she has disposable income obviously

    I bet she’s doing it cause she thinks she’s saving the goddamn planet

    Al Gore is a fucking asshole

  29. Maybe it makes her feel like she is at the movies.

  30. how earthy

    When Jada Shapiro decided to raise her daughter from birth without diapers, for the most part, not everyone was amused. Ms. Shapiro scattered little bowls around the house to catch her daughter’s offerings, and her sister insisted that she use a big, dark marker to mark the bowls so that they could never find their way back to the kitchen.

    “My sister wasn’t a huge fan,” she said on Thursday.

    But “elimination communication,” as the diaper-free method of child-rearing is called, is finding an audience in the hipper precincts of New York City.


  31. I often watch television in the dark. I prefer low light conditions anyway.

  32. That H7N9 death to infection ratio looks kinda high, right around 1 in 5 . . . like mebbe ol’ moms earth has it in for us.

  33. it’s every night

    brb i will gladys kravitz her right now

    yup just the sad lonely glow of tv

    maybe she’s watching Hemlock Grove I started it the other night and the pilot had crappy production values but the dialog was doing the trick then i fell asleep

    I bet they just have a low-budget pilot and after that you get a more normal-looking product

    I didn’t get to see the whole pilot but they had a hot naughty schoolteacher lesbian in the part I saw plus Lili Taylor pops up out of nowheres

  34. H7N9 is something we should have people for

    we have a godawful lot of people at the CDC what are useless as tits on a nun

  35. it’s come to this
    post fail shit America
    Lily Taylor..indie wench
    now on tv series
    haven’t seen it
    but she should be the ‘concerned mom’

  36. she was for sure a mom and her kid is a stereotypical bad boy type, who may or may not be a – wait for it – a fearsome werewolf when the mood(n) strikes him!

    they live in a trailer, Lili and bad boy, so I imagine the show will explore themes of class consciousness

    like for example what happens when you bite rich people

    consequences, probably, would be my guess

  37. Draw your blinds, people, peepingtomfoot’s afoot.

  38. She was great in Six Feet Under. But then, everyone was great in Six Feet Under.

  39. H7N9 sounds like some exotic compound of hydrogen and nitrogen.

    Probably doesn’t exist. But looking for it will put you on a path to octanitrocubane, which I never knew the existence of before today.