If this isn’t parody…
Then parody is dead. Officially. Like, put pennies on its eyes, seal it in a box, and shovel dirt over the rigored thing-dead.
TO THE EDITOR:
Republicans and “so-called” conservatives are at it again. They are claiming that the Constitution gives people the right to have guns without the permission of the government. If that were true, then how could New York and Chicago have laws against it?
We Democrats are sick and tired of Republicans constantly using the Constitution to cover up their true plans, which are to make us all afraid of everyone else. Our great president came from a civilized part of the country where there is strict gun control, and he is only trying to bring the benefits of that more modern way of living to the rest of us. I don’t know the exact statistics, but I’m quite certain that Chicago is a lot safer that Morehead City, when it comes to gun violence.
But do Republicans and conservatives listen to the voice of reason? No, of course not. All they want to do is whine and complain about how gun control and wealth redistribution violate the Constitution, as if the Constitution were all that great, anyway. There are a lot of things that need to be changed about the Constitution, I’d say, and President Obama needs to change it.
The Republicans are just trying to stand in the way, because the president is black. They even dared to question whether he was born in this country. I think all this demonstrates that the Constitution needs to be amended when it comes to the qualifications for being president. Right now, it says that a person has to be 35 years old and be a natural born citizen. Well, that is obviously unfair because there are a great many otherwise qualified people who cannot run for president because their mothers had to have a C-section. But because the Constitution was written a hundred years ago, nobody even thought of the discrimination that would result from a doctor having to deliver a baby in this unnatural way. Now that we Democrats are in control of the government, that’s just one more thing we should change in our drive to make life fair.
Please withhold my name because I don’t want to get crank calls.
PROUD TO BE A DEMOCRAT
Now, I hold out hope that this is indeed a winking bit of Swiftian satire. There are certain markers, for instance, that, to someone who’s studied, say, Linda Hutchinson’s work on irony and parody, jump out from the piece: the misuse of scare-quotes around “so-called” rather than “conservatives.” The backward logic that intentionally invokes logical fallacies for support, be it post hoc ergo propter hoc, to the appeals to authority (“our great president” coming from an area of strict gun control that subtextually we all know to be failing dramatically), to ad hominem attacks on Republicans (coupled with gross generality: Republicans block Obama because he’s black), to a (perhaps) knowing misapplication of statistics for dramatic effect (Morehead City has, since 2001, had 3 murders and 60-some odd rapes — though it does boast a crime rate in certain areas that are significantly higher than those in NC as a whole; still, the writer singled out “gun violence,” which one suspects would fall mostly into the murder or rape categories).
Then there’s the use of “one-hundred years” that echoes Ezra Klein’s insipid remarks about the Constitution, as well as the play on the word “natural” in “natural born” — which seems so incredibly absurd that one would be remiss were one not to suspect that this argument was written to imitate the simplistic, often-times wildly outraged and equally wildly uninformed emotionalism of leftist political “arguments.” Not to mention, the punchline is just too precious. And funny.
— Then again, this is contemporary leftism we’re dealing with. So I suppose one would be equally remiss if one didn’t consider that this should in fact be taken at face value: after all, it incorporates logical fallacies, generalized attacks, charges of racism, and the kind of benighted emotionalism coupled to a staggering misunderstanding (or willful ignorance) of facts — all of which are the hallmark of the rank and file low-information Democrat voter, who comes to believe himself wise and informed because he’s been able to adopt the tactics of his party leaders and regurgitate the lies that so effortlessly flow from their cynical, sociopathic maws.
In which case, I stand corrected.
(h/t Geoff B)