January 6, 2013

My newest cocktail invention

I call it “the Viking”: essentially, it’s a premium vodka martini, moderately dirty, with a hunk of wine-marinated herring where the olives normally go. No other garnish is necessary. Unless you happen to have a helmet with horns.

Incidentally, in certain sections of New York or San Francisco I fully expect some wag to replace the vodka with gin and call the revision either “the Little Dutch Boy” or “My Finger in the Dyke.”

— Which, let’s be honest here, is really just post-modern libational plagiarism disguised as subcultural authenticity.

But you all will know the truth. And that’s what matters.

Posted by Jeff G. @ 8:46pm

Comments (25)

  1. “My Finger in the Dyke.”

    I expected a slightly different turn after that phrase; something more explicit. An yet, on re-reading, I discovered that subtlety was likely the correct choice.

  2. Okay…

    -A Martini is made with – and only with – gin and dry vermouth; the garnish is either a lemon peel or a green olive.

    -Gin and vermouth with a garnish of a cocktail onion is a Gibson.

    -Vodka and vermouth together produces a Kangaroo.

    -The Belvedere: 9 parts Plymouth Gin, 1 part dry vermouth; pour over ice; shake vigorously for 20 seconds; drain into a Martini Glass; garnish with two tomolives [one for you and one for any gal who happens by (The Sinatra Way)].

  3. What’s in a Vesper?

  4. I enjoy UrpBrapachino. Cold Coffee, add cold whole milk to taste, a shot of mediocre vodka, vanilla extract, orange zest, teaspoon of granulated sugar, add a chopped up chocolate mint.

    The “pitcher” seems to make about three drinks. It’s designed to mellow you a little not scratch a monkey bite or leave you stuck to the big sticky wall that reminds you a lot of the floor. So it’s not an alky standby like turboritas or longisland iced tea. also I tried to keep the liquor taste on the downlow.

    Some people like rum instead of vodka for this. They probably like wearing bicorn hats and wielding a cutlass on the poop deck a schooner off the spanish main too. Who am I to judge?

    And if you want to be a real jerk you can add some of that giant tapioca crap that they put in bubble tea to it for all I care. Or stir it with a slimjim. Whatevs.

  5. I put way too much beer in the chili once and it formed a layer instead of cooking out. That might count as a mixed drink if you are feeling generous.

    I once thought of adding two shots to a can of progresso beef and dumplings to see if that felt like a direction for mixed drinks. Nobody ever spikes the broth.

  6. Oh, on the UrpBrapachino, you want to party blend that before you pour it. Then let it sit so the froth dies down a little.

  7. BTW Jeff, thanks for your booze recommendation from last year, “Spicebox Canadian Spiced Whisky” — the Nobel Benefactors of the Pennsylvania Liquor Control Board have decreed that I can (finally) partake of same.

    Anyway, it’s exceptionally pleasant, and it makes a fine news-toleratin’ juice.

  8. Yes, UrpBrapachino IS a toned down, chilled version of irish creme coffee for pussies who think sno-cone syrup and java are natural friends. Indeed.

  9. So. Does the Viking greet you filled with anticipation only to leave you disappointed?

  10. All drinks leave you one of two ways.

  11. I think any drink called a viking should be served in a frosted glass and set on fire at some point.

  12. We used to do a HarborLight [float equal parts amaretto, tequila, 151 rum atop one another, alight and down entire]– didn’t involve a frosted glass, but it was set afire, and best imbibed on a freezing assed winter night, snow optional, just before stumbling home afoot in the dark.

  13. There was a raunchy fake-biker bar in Austin that served “Bob Logs” on Wednesday nights from 8 to midnight, and I asked just what the hell that was and was real sorry I did when they told me. Apparently you order a scotch and one of the waitresses takes it behind a screen and stirs it with her nipple or something kooky like that and they give you the napkin she wipes herself off with after as a coaster. It’s named after some novelty guitarist comedy act. Austin is fuckin’ stupid.

  14. Hasnt “Finger in the Little Dutch Boy” been popular in ‘Frisco since at least the early 70’s ?

  15. -A Martini is made with – and only with – gin and dry vermouth; the garnish is either a lemon peel or a green olive

    I prefer ten parts gin to zero parts vermouth, with lemon peel. Is that still a Martini?

  16. Another easy one to make is “The Obama”

    Buy 3 gin and tonics. Pay the bartender for 7 G&Ts. The bartender gives one G&T to the first person he finds who’s carrying an EBT.

    What happens to the other 2 G&Ts? Shut up, racist.

  17. As I recall, a martini is gin & vermouth, while a “dry” martini is gin & DRY vermouth, while an “extra dry” martini is no vermouth.

    I would therefore answer slart with a “yes, that is a martini.” Like many things, reasonable people can disagree. You could call it “Dave” and the effect would be the same.

  18. Only dry vermouth goes in a Martini. Sweet vermouth goes in Manhattans. The standard ratio is 1 part vermouth to 5 parts gin. Less vermouth than that is “dry.” No vermouth is “extra dry.”

  19. Hmmmph. I’ve aged past the mixed drink phase, if ‘phase’ is apt. Now, I prefer top-shelf shots (eg Bombay Sapphire, Grand Marnier) and a (water) chaser. The only reason to mix a drink is to disguise the taste of an inferior liquor, I’m sure of it!

  20. I also think in addition to being served in a frosted glass (or ram’s or ox’s “drinking” horn if you want to go fancy) and being set on fire at some point, anything called a viking should have a little bit of mead in it. Stirring it with a cold wrought iron swizzle stick, and making you wear a bib with runes on it might help.

    Of course if you want to sell it to a modern ‘after work’ binge drinker you will need to put Jäger or Schnapps in it. Or Crown Royal Black. Or that Hennessy Cognac shit.

    Or screw it, you could probably get away with putting a chunk of grilled chipotle chicken on a toothpick served in a mojito and calling it a Scythian Thrax. Because nobody in a bar even knows what a Scythian OR Thracia was. No, not even the ones who watched Spartacus when it was on Showtime.

  21. You could try to make a reverse screw driver…orange brandy in potato juice with a twist of cherry.

  22. ^

  23. Or you could go with a “Civil War” – Southern Comfort and Northern Comfort (a brand of grade A Vermont Maple Syrup) poured over shaved blue and green ice (symbolizing the grassy fields of Virginia and Kentucky).

    Just as likely to kill you as that war was.

  24. And rather than drinking gin, I’ll just gnaw on a branch from a Juniper tree/bush.

  25. -Slartibartfast: I prefer ten parts gin to zero parts vermouth, with lemon peel. Is that still a Martini?

    Indeed, it is. Cole Porter, it is said, used to order it that way and, when the glass was handed to him, would bring it close to his mouth and whisper ‘vermouth’ – thus, it was officially a Martini.

    -Sweet Vermouth can be used in the Gibson or Kanagroo, but only by the ladies.

    -Traditionally, Ernst, a Vesper is three measures of Gordon’s Gin, one of vodka, half a measure of Kina Lillet [a French aperitif wine]. However, both Gordon’s and the Lillet have been reformulated, so we used to make it with Tanqueray and a citrus liqueur. It was, it seems, invented by Ian Fleming.