December 21, 2012

Yes, the Mayans had it wrong

But no, I don’t regret for a moment having spent the past six months dressed in a jade-colored breechcloth and jaguar skin shirt praying to Kinich Ahau and Itzamna, nor do I regret selling my Willie Mays rookie card to fund a pilgrimage to Caana  and the Cave of the Witch, having first made stops at blessed cities of the northern lowlands like Chichen Itza, Uxmal, Edzná, and Coba — from the last of which I picked up a really sweet roll of seeded Yucatan cotton that I hope one day to weave into a bitchin’ winter skull cap.

Because better safe than sorry, right?

I just wish I’d been a bit more circumspect about engaging in some of the more controversial Mayan rituals.  Though in my defense, the dude was stuck in a low-paying job and was constantly high on glue fumes, so nobody is really going to miss him anyway.

Posted by Jeff G. @ 9:48am

Comments (44)

  1. Thou fool. The day is not yet done.

  2. native americans and their apocalypse theories and their stupid feathers and their nasty casinos

  3. Anyone want to buy a slightly used obsidian knife?

  4. Happy birthday, BBH!

  5. Dude, you did Mexico a solid.. Look at the money you saved their socialist healthcare system.

  6. native americans and their apocalypse theories

    The Mayans didn’t say the world would end when their calendar did: the Coast-to-Coast AM crowd assumed it, because doomsday sells. ::coughAGWcough::

    If the word doesn’t end with SMOD, their backup theory is that humanity would be propelled into a New Higher Consciousness.

    Probably one where we don’t need assault weapons.

  7. Busy proving the Boehner team right huh.

  8. doomsday is statistically very unlikely is all I know

    but then I’m the dumbass what left a car window cracked during a blizzard

    so take that with a grain of snow

  9. “It’s like saying that the superintendent of an insane asylum should be discharged because he couldn’t control the crazy people. That’s nuts,” he said.

    Seriously. Who ever heard of firing someone just because they couldn’t do their job.

  10. Greetings:

    If you get really down, you can always slip Mel Gibson’s “Apoctalypto” into the DVD player and push back in the Laz-e-boy and enjoy an evening of extracted still beating human hearts and plenty of bodies bouncing down all those steps of those magnificent pyramids.

    Just remember, the Maya were a really spiritual people. So when their priesty dudes opened up one of their misbegotten’s chest, they were doing it to commune with their loving God(s) and not for any perverse human pleasure.

    It was the Spanish that messed everything up.

  11. Boehner could be as serene as humanly possible, reciting whatever prayers may give him strength, yet alone in a room still not find a brain in his head with which to think his way out of the problem created by his lack of a guiding principle.

  12. Can’t wait for Andrew to weigh in on this one.

  13. The time was 4:12 am MT di.

    Tis done!

  14. If the word doesn’t end with SMOD, their backup theory is that humanity would be propelled into a New Higher Consciousness.

    While I thought it extremely unlikely the world would end, I didn’t want to leave perfectly good booze behind if it did.

    So, “New Higher Consciousness”? More like “Barely Any Consciousness” this morning…

  15. “Apoctalypto”

    Yeah that’s just ‘The Hills Have Eyes: Maya Edition’.
    And apparently in the 1500’s when the real world Maya had already abandoned their cities, the movie Maya has superpowers. like being able to outrun a jaguar. Either that or there was a species of really dumb slow jaguar around then.

    Seriously, when a Jaguar wants to go fast you don’t even see the thing move.

  16. Well, thanks a lot Mayans. You fucked me at the drive through.

    I was all down with the apocalypse thang.

    Now I have to do all my Christmas shopping last minute.

    I pray to the Amazon gods (the online ones)…Please deliver on time…Please deliver on time.

  17. Seriously, when a Jaguar wants to go fast you don’t even see the thing move.

    Reminds me of Tom Clancy’s suggestion to US enemies in regards to the AH-64 Apache. “Don’t run…you’ll only die tired.”

  18. Damnit!. Drank the whole bottle of Gold Label, and not only do I have to suffer the headache, but now I have to pay the credit card bill.

    Why Mayans? Why?

  19. Anybody else wonder if the Mayan long count actually ends in in something that reads like 5015…and everybody was just holding the calendar upside down?

    And the “Nibiru” thing. I’m just now hearing about this glorious death planet (on the day it was supposed to murderfy all of us). Why am I just now hearing about this?! Oh man, the kooks on those YouTube pages are SPECTACULAR in their sheer, unadulterated bat-shit craziness.

    You wanna poke ’em with a stick just to see. You know you shouldn’t…but you want to.

  20. This is a leopard, not a Jaguar. A ranger tries to run a captured Jaguar out of a cage to let it go after it was caught too close to a farm. It gets around to and through the window the truck VERY VERY quickly. So unless the movie Mayans were bionic or that was a weak ass runt Jaguar with no wind…

    …You didn’t outrun that!

  21. Well, I’m off to get my “still here” burrito.

  22. A ranger tries to run a captured Jaguar -> Leopard.

    Sorry. The world didn’t end last night, but maybe my brain did.

  23. Isn’t a Jaguar a, you know, really, really big leopard?

  24. Well, I’m off to get my “still here” burrito.

    Not sure where you live, but, if there’s a Berryhill Baja Grill around, the Hogados Burrito is a perfect “I survived Doomsday” type’a meal.

  25. Leopards are from Africa and Asia (barring imports) and Jaguars are from central and South America. Sort of like pig vs. peccari except more closely related. Leopards will sometimes mate with Jaguars in zoos. And yeah Jaguars tend to be the bigger animal.

  26. I’m going to go to Freebird’s for my burrito.

  27. It looks like Berryhill Baja is a Houston chain. I’m about 170 miles too far west for that at the moment. Still, I’ll try them next time I’m in town.

  28. Freebird’s? You ain’t in Austin are ya? If so, you got a Berryhill. One in Dallas too (and, of course, Houston).

    Anyway, it’s a good joint. If you find yourself in one, you’ll like.

  29. The new F-Type Jaguar is out now.

  30. I don’t think it’s fair to blame the Mayans for the idiocy of the newage (rhymed with sewage) crowd.

  31. I’m still hoping they were off by a few hours. I hope it doesn’t happen until after 7:30 pm pacific time, because by then I shall be full of Guinness.

  32. The Mayan thing was about an alignment of celestial bodies (as I understood it anyway), the earth and sun being aligned with the equator of the galaxy, creating earthquakes, volcanoes, tidal waves, and a flip in the magnetic poles. It turns out there is a correlation to such a thing, but the equator of the galaxy doesn’t act like a celestial body, and actually the event occurred some 14 years ago.

    In truth, there is no third body to join with the earth and the sun to form a conjunction in any real sense upon the 2012 date. None. Moreover, one can indeed go further with the objections to the 2012 Galactic Alignment theory.

    It has been previously stated in the last essay that according to the best observations of the modern age, the alignment of the solstice sun to the galactic equator took place to its optimum level in May of 1998. […]

    the reader here may wonder at the seemingly odd remark that the alignment took place in the month of May in 1998. How could that be? Simply put, it is nothing more than another mathematical abstraction. Essentially, on the Winter Solstice of 21 Dec 1997 a straight line passing through the sun and the earth projected itself into one hemisphere of the Milky Way galaxy – as a 2-dimensional picture – and at the next Winter Solstice of 21 Dec 1998 that same straight line was now in the other hemisphere. In other words, even on the 1998 date, the conjunction did not really exist at all in any exacting manner. The month of May ‘optimum’ is nothing more than a further mathematical abstraction as to an ‘in-year crossover’ into the next galactic hemisphere.

    Sorry I didn’t mention it earlier.

  33. Also, all you need to know about leopards and jaguars is they are both assault cats, and need to be banned.

  34. You can keep your assault cats. It’s the assault claws the state wants regulate.

  35. SMOD, where is thy sting?

  36. It’s the assault claws the state wants regulate.

    True. But do cats really need 20 claws anyway? Limit them to ten claws, and you will have less mass clawings. Math!

  37. Have you ever wanted to throw a handful of catnip through the bars of the leopard cage just to see what they woudl do?

  38. That’s it. I’m buying an “assault Puma”. I’m gonna let it sleep in the bed (man, the beagle is not gonna like that), and just carry it around and throw it at annoying people.

    I can’t conceal it, but maybe I can get a carry permit for it.

  39. I don’t know about apocalyptic, but this sure is creepy:

    Google starts watching what you do off the Internet too

    […] Without much fanfare, Google announced news this week of a new advertising project, Conversions API, that will let businesses build all-encompassing user profiles based off of not just what users search for on the Web, but what they purchase outside of the home[…]

    The blog goes on to explain that in-store transactions, call-tracking and other online activities can be inputted into Google to be combined with other information “to optimize your campaigns based on even more of your business data.” {…]

    This is the sixth time we’ve released this data, and one trend has become clear: Government surveillance is on the rise,” Google admitted with their report.

  40. Let’s face it, in a world this silly, the apocalypse can’t be too far away.

    Colo. proposal would require life jackets at doggy daycare pools

    There is so much wrong with that sentence, one can be dazed.

    Forget about the life jackets for doggies for a minute, and the inexplicable urge to mandate them, but…there are doggy day cares? With fucking pools? Enough of them to be the subject of specific legislation? Geez-Louise.

    The draft rules state that “every dog must wear a personal flotation device while in or while having access to a pool area whenever the pool water is deeper than the height of the dog at its shoulder.” They also stipulate that the pool must have at least one lifeguard on duty to watch over the bedraggled barkers.

    Hotels don’t have lifeguards!

    We are too silly of a people to survive much longer.

  41. I think the world did end, they just didn’t tell anyone but the cool kids.

  42. 11B40 says Those would be the Azteca you are referring to, not Mayans. Jaguars are genetically similar to Lions, Tigers and Leopards and have been known to weigh over 100 kilos.

  43. Lee, those have been around a while. When you have both parents working and the kids in school and don’t have the time or interest to train the dog out of separation anxiety…. doggie day-care.