December 13, 2012

lessons for negotiating zombie apocalypse black market deals, 4

After the zombie apocalypse goes full blown, there won’t be much of a market for any jewelry or so-called precious metals, save for diamonds and copper.  So were I you — and I was looking to take on a score of wives in order to help build a clan and then repopulate the earth with liberty-loving conservatives — I’d skip the engagement ring altogether and propose by getting down on one knee and offering up either a big bag of heirloom seed or maybe a 55-gallon water drum with a built in ceramic filtering system.

Show her that you care, brother.  Because looks won’t mean near as much going forward as will the perception that, if needs be, you can kill a pack of hungry coyotes with nothing but a dagger-rigged Frisbee, then turn them into a month’s worth of three squares and a couple comfy love seats.

Posted by Jeff G. @ 10:15am
73 comments | Trackback

Comments (73)

  1. I figure I got this beat. I had my shipping container buried a couple of hundred feet from an Indian reservation. Already dug the well, and most of the parts for the still are hidden in plain site as parts for a broken-down schoolbus and an old backhoe. I figure with a good tan, ponytail, old levi’s jacket, and my liberal arts degree, I can pass long enough to get my hands on a couple hundred cases of tax-free Marlboros and maybe find a missus or two who’s already used to living in said school bus. All I have to do now is set up my non-profit and learn to paint stick figures on buckskin. A couple of good seminars on aboriginal rights in the Hiawatha Room, and by the time the shit hits the fan, I’m either an honorary chief or medicine man. Gets me protection from outsiders, a defined border, and first night rights, if I want ‘em.

  2. a 55-gallon water drum with a built in ceramic filtering system.

    You have the plans for that? I’d like to see them.

  3. Take over the Indian reservation, build a stockade around it, and write an educational curriculum that teaches how you are the sole direct descendant of whatever Great Spirit the local tribe worships, and then put any grumblers to work building your pyramid.

  4. I have found some good plans for building a solar panel out of coke cans, and it actually has a 110 temp differential across the input/output, which is pretty awesome.
    Still thinking about the water issue. If things get that bad I’ll be throwing myself at the guy with clean water.

  5. I got lots of clean water, miss.

  6. So far my water plan is the river in my front yard and a big jug of Clorox.

    That’s for when I run out of propane for my generator(which still hasn’t shipped) that I plan to run my well on.

  7. I think good rubies, sapphires, emeralds and some other hard gems will hold their value well along with diamonds. They always have before.

    Ho wlong will the cities and their inhabitants last when the pumps fail? One of the things rarely touched upon in the post-apocalyptic movies is just how bad the dying cities will smell.

  8. Did I mention I have my own spring?

  9. So fixit, you can wind him up!

  10. You sayin’ I’m run down? Hey, I’m the right side of 60, and with all my own teeth.

  11. Just be careful, when you’re out recruiting for your harem, lest you find yourself the newsest recruit for hers.

  12. Oh Jaysus you scared the crap outta me with that pic Ernst. I keep forgetting not to click on your links.

    Your own spring eh? Good enough. Bathing will be essential. I have looked at those posts on drilling your own well with hand tools but it just looks too hard.

  13. Your own spring eh? Good enough. Bathing will be essential. I have looked at those posts on drilling your own well with hand tools but it just looks too hard.

    Good, it’s settled. As soon as the world goes to hell and the drooling brain dead stalk the land, you can move in.

  14. Zula take good care you too missfixit. She make silverwhistle fetch water for you.

  15. What state are you in? So I know where I’m moving when the rioting starts!

  16. The state of Alba, or Old Caledonia, my dear. Will you be needing a ticket for the steamer?

  17. well sheeeit. it’s cold as hell there ain’t it? I wouldn’t last the winter! i’m probably a poor investment

  18. Well, look at the bright side: lots of squat, hairy men in plaid skirts.

  19. that’s the bright side?

  20. We’ve got a bolt or two of the clan tartan lying around, I’m sure we can knock you up something warm in no time. Plus, our staple diet of porage oats and kippers is very warming. And you’ll come to appreciate the furry pelt we all develop.

  21. If you like gingers, it is.

  22. More like the west side. Better than the east side.

  23. We got a ginormous Berkey that’ll do 26 gallons/hr. It could be easily rigged to dump directly into a 55 gallon drum, I reckon.

  24. you’ll come to appreciate the furry pelt we all develop.

    right side of 60, all your own teeth, a furry pelt…and clean water. I am not familiar with the gun laws there, i assume you don’t have them? Ah well, close enough to utopia. ;)

  25. SW has guns. It sounds like a match made in heaven.

  26. Oh, we have plenty of guns. It’s fresh genes we’re short of.

  27. It’s fresh genes we’re short of.

    Must not be in too bad of shape if you live in the United Kingdom and have all your teeth.

  28. It’s fresh genes we’re short of.

    Refresh my memory: how many times are you and I related to each other again? Seems to me we found a few new braids in the ol’ family tree…

  29. We Scots give the expression “fourth cousin” a whole new meaning.

  30. I prefer to think of us as non-kissing cousins, McGehee. Even gap-toothed cousin humpers have to have some standards.

  31. True enough. The reason we Scots don’t kiss our sisters is, their beards are often thicker than ours.

  32. well I’m Norwegian so we might still have issues. although my teeth are still good.

  33. This zombie apocalypse black market seems to be working out just fine.

  34. fourth cousin

    In a row?

  35. Might have been five, depends on if that one sheep’s resemblance to Uncle Hamish was just a coincidence as he claimed.

  36. I know a woman police constable who had to arrest a chap for that very offence.

  37. Resembling a sheep?

  38. If that’s a crime in Scotland they’re going to need a bigger Tolbooth.

  39. I didn’t realize Scotland was so out of step with modern social mores.

  40. did you know that once you move south you lose all your tolerance for cold? As in, 30 degrees and wind makes you cry and search for a pole to stand behind. or a sheep.

  41. And you DARE call yourself Norwegian?!?

    FOR SHAME!

    No lefse for you.

  42. and I hate lutefisk too!!!

  43. I suppose gamelost is off the menu?

  44. Resembling a sheep?

    He had been observed taking her temperature with an inappropriate thermometer, shall we say.

  45. Talk about a police state! Some poor sheep is coming down with a virus and her good friend wants to check for a fever with whatever is handy — and he gets arrested for it!

    That’s what they get for giving the government a monopoly on health care.

  46. He was led on by the ewe’s come-hither look.

  47. Maybe he thought she was his cousin.

  48. Scotland won’t trul be free until shepherds and sheep can freely express the love that binds them.

  49. Scotland won’t trul be free until shepherds and sheep can freely express the love that binds them.

    She seem a wee bit coupit, Ernst.

  50. Counting the days til the new order… and stropping my Randall.

  51. Is that what they call it now?

  52. I love kippers. Love them. Near to the point of reassembling one from the pieces in the tin just so I can bang it. That much love.

  53. For breakfast. Tops.

  54. The Lowlanders like their shortbread, IYKWIMAITYD.

  55. ” with nothing but a dagger-rigged Frisbee”

    Chakrums should be easy to stamp from sheet metal. If you are into that.

  56. ok what do kippers taste like? I’m curious. (lutefisk is nasty but that shit is packed in lye)

  57. We got a ginormous Berkey that’ll do 26 gallons/hr.

    Yeah, Berkey has just about made the top of my shopping list. I hear that once you go black, you never go back. That big sumbitch is pretty damned reasonable.

  58. After the zombie apocalypse we’ll build a new world where a chicken can cross the road without having its motives questioned!

  59. ok what do kippers taste like? I’m curious.

    Oh, missfixit, if I was Santa I would bring you a stocking full of Loch Fyne kippers just for you to know what heaven tastes like.

  60. but i’m scared of foods that still have the heads on. Tell me you don’t eat the heads.

  61. so kippers = bacon? but with heads?

  62. Most of the kippers stateside are canned fillets called kipper snacks.

    http://lamar.colostate.edu/~hillger/products/kippers.jpg

    Still pretty tasty. If they are packed in oil I recommend rinsing well before eating.

  63. Lutefisk and ceviche…two sides of the chemical-cooking coin?

    Discuss. Is one inherently yummier than the other?

  64. Also: wouldn’t ammonium hydroxide be more effective in making lutefisk?

    Or if not, perhaps just more tasty?

  65. ceviche is yummy. lutefisk is evil.

    (I assume we are talking about the ceviche made from shrimp and lemon juice right?)

  66. Fish and lemon juice, in general. I’ve had scallop ceviche, also, and it is teh yum.

  67. Works better with bay scallops, which we had just pulled out of the water a couple of hours before.

  68. Is one inherently yummier than the other?

    Never having subjected myself to lutefisk, I’m going to guess that the one with the citrus tastes better than the one with the lye.

  69. but i’m scared of foods that still have the heads on. Tell me you don’t eat the heads.

    Then you will find them completely terrifying. But we don’t eat the heads. Only an Englishman would do that. They are just hot smoked over oak chips.

  70. ew but they still have the skin and scales too. I would try it but only after I scraped it clean.

    ceviche in all forms is awesome. I’ve made it with crab too. and a little steak seasoning. yum

  71. ew but they still have the skin and scales too. I would try it but only after I scraped it clean.

    All you do is pop them under the grill, skin side down, with a wee dod of butter on top. The fillet comes away from the skin when it is heated. They really aren’t scary at all. Jennifer and Clarissa just stuffed them in a pitcher and poured a kettle of boiling on them to heat them up.

  72. boiling water.

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