December 12, 2012

lessons for negotiating zombie apocalypse black market deals, 3

The temptation will always exist to try procuring for free what you should instead be bartering for.  For instance, one might be tempted to drape himself in the pelt of a brown bear, say, and make a night-time raid on a rival camp with a weak perimeter, trusting that the fear his sudden counterfeit attack inspires will coax a flight instinct, leaving the disguised interloper free to gather up thermal blankets, sleeping bags, and perhaps even a Solo wood stove with a full pot of possum stew simmering atop it.

Pro tip:  some people, rather counter-intuitively, I admit, are perfectly willing to stand and fight with clubs and guns and high-grade Japanese steel survival blades, for a pot of well-seasoned, deliciously simmering possum stew — even if what they think they are fighting is an aggressive, territorial brown bear sporting claws like giant bacteria-soaked karambit knives.

And bear pelts, while they may look ferocious in the dark of night, are neither bullet proof nor blade proof.

On this you’re just going to have to trust me.  And this one now very dead, very skinned and eaten friend I once had.

Posted by Jeff G. @ 11:39am
37 comments | Trackback

Comments (37)

  1. This is an allegory of Detroit, isn’t it?

    Who is the bear again?

  2. “A wiser fellow than myself once said, ‘Sometimes you eat the b’ar, sometimes the b’ar, well, he eats you.'” — The Stranger

  3. Born on a mountain top in Tennessee
    Greenest state in the Land of the Free
    Raised in the woods so’s he knew every tree
    Kilt him a b’ar when he was only three.
    Davy, Davy Crockett, King of the wild frontier!

  4. A trained skunk might work for this.

  5. Next time send in the armadillo. Tell him he can have the hookers and half the tequila as long as you get everything else.

    The barter with him for the better-looking hookers.

  6. I am never without at least one high-grade Japanese steel knife within arm’s reach…

    Unless what’s in reach is one of my fixed-blades, which are high-grade American steel.

    All sharper than a razor’s uncle.

  7. Imagine their surprise when, having been attacked, the “bear” produced a semiautomatic handgun. And a can of Chachere’s for the stew.

    Hope for the best (Chachere’s) and prepare for the worst (semiautomatic) is good advice.

  8. Is that armadillo of yours still around because his armor is effective against knives and bullets, or simply because he would be leather tough and taste like shit in a stew?

  9. This is why I always keep a mute white girl on a 40 foot chain. No one’s ever looking at the bear.

  10. This is why I always keep a mute white girl on a 40 foot chain.

    After that? I got nuthin’.

  11. If I got bear-shirted by some mouth breathing “fear me, I am morlock” type I’d go out five nights later, camp noisily, and make a pot of poisoned stew and pretend to eat it while waiting for a certain problem to ‘run me off’ and take sweet care of himself. Enjoy your stew au drano(TM) pendejo! That ought to unclog your pipes you sonova!

  12. Misogynist. My mute white girl on a 40 foot chain tastes all of my food. Why do you hate the womenfolk?

  13. The armadillo on little red pills is virtually impossible to hit without employing a nest of mini-guns, and then you’re at risk of taking out several of your own gunners.

    And even if you hit him he won’t feel it until three or four weeks later, by which time there’s no tequila this side of Cabo San Lucas and no hookers left anywhere.

  14. If there is one thing we have learned over these Obama years, about negotiating, it is that lying works, really well if the bear is a Republican leaning bear. And if that fails I plan on backing up the lies with my bolt action 45-70 and 405 grains of lead at 2100 fps since the other thing we have learned is to always have a plan B.

  15. oh my Pat Moran just beat the shit out of his white girl. I like the 40ft chain better.
    You know he sounds like a lovely young man. Whoever he marries will be soooo lucky.

  16. “Whoever he marries will be soooo lucky.”

    he can tell her how to do voter fraud too.

  17. nr, much as I admire Mark Levin (he was talking up the article you link to) Mark Levin is looking the wrong direction right now. Levin is spending too much time worry about the Federal Government and what needs to be done at the Federal level. Levin should be spending more time pushing State remedies, such as States not building Obamacare exchanges. Or Governor Jan Brewer and AZ constantly pushing back against government. Governor Perry of Texas isn’t doing a bad job either.

    Replacing Boehner is rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic.

  18. nr, much as I admire Mark Levin (he was talking up the article you link to) Mark Levin is looking the wrong direction right now.

    hit the beast at every level i say

  19. Levin should be spending more time pushing State remedies, such as States not building Obamacare exchanges.

    I’m pretty sure I heard him do just that. Right before the “ditch Boehner” segment no less.

  20. Ernst, I missed that segment. I only caught the part about Boehner and the Federal government.

    I don’t hold out a lot of hope about Washington. Demint leaving isn’t vote of confidence.

  21. - Well, nine more days girls and we’re all going to need a bigger boat.

    – The good news is I have it on good authority that that chucklehead thats planning on a trip to Sydonia to stand on the magic mountain and meld into the Matrix is all wet. The Mayans jumped the shark when they figured the date. The serpemt that slithers up the temple stairs as the sun rises was a fake. The real snake was kidnaped by the rougue CIA boysthat killed JFK and hustled off to Granada aboard a Greek tramp steamer. He’s been marinating in a pickle jar in the basement of the American University ever since.

    – So me, I’m planning on having a very happy BDay, and the only liquid I plan on swimming in comes in a bottle.

  22. I await the Sweet Meteor of Death. It shall destroy us to save us.

  23. The Vatican’s very own astronomer says the Mayans didn’t know what they were talking about and to relax, already.

  24. Like I’d believe him.

  25. Happy Birthday BBH.

    Too Bad too. I was sure Obama get reelected was a sign of the End of Days.

  26. getting.

    Gawd that’s embarrassing.

  27. - Thanx Ernst, but I’m thinking if I don’t have a happy no one will, So theres that

    – The conspiracy industry is going to take a big hit if this mess goes on without so much as a hiccup, but I suppose there will always be some 9 year old indian princess in the Mojave dessert that will save the day with a new prediction she found on the back of a bubblegum wrapper stuck to her moccasin or some such.

  28. Just as an aside, the library I use has a line on their interlibrary loan request forms date material no longer needed; I’ve been writing in 12/21/12 for the last seven years.

  29. Just in case, I’ve been writing up a list of god-emperor commands because by my calculations the actual anniversary of my birth in leap years is the day before my official birthday, and if the apocalypse is timed just right I might get god-like powers and become undisputed ruler of the universe.

    Never hurts to be prepared.

  30. Are god-like powers and mastery over all in the universe really worth an eternity existing as a giant sandworm?

  31. Watch it, heretic.

  32. - Pay the lessor running dog Capitalists no mind McGehee. We Magi’s of the coming new age are always mocked just before the dawn of our assention to the thrown. Just think, after the apocolyse you might even be able to pose for pictures without destroying the camera equipment.

    – As far as zombie defense, I’ll set up a podium and loud speaker system on the petimeter, and let Palin make speeches. The Lefturd hordes will be driven away like the coakroaches they are, and its always amusing to watch their heads explode when she says “you betcha”.

  33. I think a lot of people are going to feel oddly let down on the 22nd.

    Don’t mean the shit ain’t going to hit the fan one day soon though…

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