October 21, 2012

One Term to Serve: Home to Roost [McGehee]

Scene: The Oval Office. Barack Obama, TOTUS and Carney are present.

Barack: “So what should I say if Schieffer brings up this thing about talks with Iran?”

TOTUS: “Don’t say anything. Just let the Secret Service snipers take care of it.”

Carney: (to TOTUS) “Are you out of your mind?” (to Barack) “You just say the report was inaccurate, and then you accuse Romney of planning to take us into a new war in the Middle East.”

TOTUS: “…in blind obedience to his Zionist masters.”

Carney: (to TOTUS) “What is the matter with you?”

TOTUS: “Not a thing. Which is also what’s wrong with this 18-year-old single malt Scotch. Hey Barack, how many more cases are there in the cellar?”

(A commotion outside draws their attention; shrieking, shouts and gunfire ensue.)

Hillary: (enters calmly with a serene smile) “Hello, Mr. President. May I have a word with you in private?”

Barack: (glances guiltily at Jay Carney hand puppet in one hand and hand mirror in the other, then hastily puts them down on the desk) “Of course. What can I do for you?”

Hillary: (darkly) “It’s time.”

(A team of Secret Service agents burst into the room, guns drawn. Seeing nothing wrong, they quickly withdraw. No one reacts.)

Barack: “Time for what?”

Hillary: “Time for you to pay the debt you entered into when I agreed to take responsibility for what went wrong in Benghazi.”

Barack: “Oh, no. That debt doesn’t come due until I leave office and you know it.”

Hillary: “Yes.”

(A team of Secret Service agents burst into the room, guns drawn. Seeing nothing wrong, they quickly withdraw. No one reacts.)

Barack: “Well, I’m not leaving office until January 20, 2017. You’ve seen all the numbers, I’m probably going to win at least 50 states.”

Hillary: “It doesn’t matter. You need to pay now.”

Barack: “We had a deal.”

Hillary: “I’m altering the deal. Pray I don’t alter it any further.”

Barack: “But Biden is still missing somewhere on the White House grounds. If I pay you now, who’ll take over as president?”

Hillary: “There was only one thing Al Haig ever said that I agreed with.”

Barack: (panicking) “Rahm! Rahm! Rahm!”

(White House PA system spontaneously broadcasts dissonant strings from soundtrack of Hitchcock’s original 1960 version of “Psycho.” Rahm Emmanuel appears in a thin cloud of cobwebs and dismembered insects.)

Hillary: (whirls, snarling and hissing)

(Hillary lunges at Emmanuel, swinging her purse over her head. Emmanuel leaps clear, pirouettes in mid-air, kicks the purse out of Hillary’s hand and it lands on the desk in front of Barack.)

Barack: “Hey, watch it!”

Emmanuel: (backflipping across the presidential-seal rug to avoid Hillary’s slashing claws) “Get the lockbox! Get the lockbox!”

Barack: (Barack opens the purse, peers inside) “I don’t see anything!”

Hillary: (gesturing at a chair, which jumps up and clobbers Emmanuel in mid-jeté) “You stay out of my purse!”

(While Emmanuel is dazed, Hillary leaps atop the desk and stomps the mouth of her purse shut, just missing Barack’s head. Suddenly a lightning bolt knocks her through the window into the Rose Garden, whereupon Biden is heard screaming and running away.)

Emmanuel: (blowing smoke off his fingers as he minces around the desk to where Barack is cowering behind his chair) “Are you all right, Mr. President?”

Barack: “That was a close one.”

Emmanuel: “She should have known better than to buy a soul that’s already mortgaged to the hilt.” (picks up Hillary’s purse, reaches inside) “You keep this lockbox in a safe place, Mr. President. It will keep her at bay until you actually do leave office.”

Barack: (taking a small, plain wooden box from his former chief of staff, secured with a heavy iron lock) “But then she’ll come back and want payment.”

Emmanuel: “And then you’ll pay her. Mr. President, you can’t possibly have believed that you could avoid having to pay your debts, did you?”

Barack: “I figured I’d just do like I’ve been doing with the national debt.”

Emmanuel: (clucking his tongue sadly) “Oh, Mr. President. You can’t just print more soul whenever you want it. It doesn’t work that way.”

Barack: “Damn my typical-white-person half. If I were all black I’d have soul to spare.”

Emmanuel: “Don’t be racist.”

Posted by McGehee @ 7:01pm
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Comments (21)

  1. Okay, that last line by Barack is truly inspired.

  2. Is shit gonna get really weird in the next two weeks?

  3. “I’m altering the deal. Pray I don’t alter it any further.”

    Heh.

  4. “Altering the deal” is exactly what “living Constitutions” are all about: Barry’s got no grounds to bitch and whine.

  5. I don’t like the idea that Hillary is capable of telekinesis.

  6. “Is shit gonna get really weird in the next two weeks?”

    Well..it’s gotten pretty weird the last four years…

  7. Aah, paleo, it’s gone asymptotic in the last few weeks.

  8. If you call this weird you haven’t been paying attention.

  9. The campaign started out with promises of ocean lowering and nudges about using a tire gauge to supposedly drop fuel consumption by 25%.

    57 states and two more to go plus the one we won’t be visiting.

    The best speech ever made up of old cliches and tropes.

    At his Demo Con post nomination rally the press notes that he’s creepily watching us watching him.

    Then he wins and we notice the press is barely reporting on him.

    Churchill bust expelled from White House.

    First lady requests African American modern art that turns out to be ripped off from previous modern art.

    Surgical bankruptcy of GM in early 2009.

    -STIMULUS- to prevent us reaching 8% unemployment, passage followed by 10% unemployment…unexpectedly!

    Later in 2009 we had the Nobel Peace Prize win.

    Then we had to pass AHC to see what was in it,and if we didn’t pass it then maybe we could deem it passed?

    School kids chanting “Barack Hussein OBama MMM MMMM MMMMM” was early 2010

    It got pretty weird REALLY fast guys.

  10. Ooh I forgot about the civilian force that was just as powerful and well supplied as the US military thing. It’s always completely amazing when a president has the guts to ask for his own paramilitary corps of party troops, Schutzstaffel style, only WAY BIGGER to help with national security and disaster relief in the US.

  11. Under Obama, what we bitter clingers consider “weird” is perfectly normal, exactly as to be expected. By now we should all be totally used to it.

    The advent of a presidency headed by someone who takes the job seriously — now that’s gonna be weird.

  12. I’ll get used to this crap shortly after I bleed out in my final stage reeducation ditch (that I didn’t dig myself). There ain’t enough Kool-Aid to make this horse shit seem normal.

    It didn’t work in East Germany. It didn’t even really work in the Soviet Union. I suspect it hasn’t worked in China or they wouldn’t be shoving Japan around over some islands right now. People in the UK are still standing up to the Fabian way.

    They might keep everyone quiet for 50+ years but it will never be normal.

  13. Still you have to admit: grown-ups in the White House will have some small degree of novelty. It’ll certainly spell the end of this series.

  14. As somebody said, “Sometimes you have to lean into the weird.”

  15. OT: Is anyone else thinking a guy who’s done business overseas might just know more about foreign policy than some yahoo with a Nobel Peace Prize who goes around apologizing to his country’s enemies?

  16. “OT: Is anyone else thinking a guy who’s done business overseas might just know more about foreign policy than some yahoo with a Nobel Peace Prize who goes around apologizing to his country’s enemies?”‘

    So long as the guy having done business overseas managed to come away from the deals with something more than merely his shirt, unlike the bowingscrapeing lowlife who ended up naked, stripped of every shred of his and his nation’s dignity, having diminished those native interests to the furthest extent as was in him possible.

  17. Heh. You may have just given me an idea for the next episode.

  18. The next series could be the Weathervane Chronicles: Tales of Wind and Pointing.

  19. Actually, the Roberts Court might be fun.

  20. I wanna see the Valerie Jarret Prison Diaries, but that might be wishing a bit too much.

  21. There is a writer in the PW stable who could do that justice, Squid — but it ain’t me.

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