Look: Big Bird has been living off the taxpayer for going on 43 years. Now, I’m all for a social safety net, provided that’s what it is: a safety net, meant as a last resort to help those who are truly struggling. But come on. Dude. Four decades on and still no time for, say, paralegal classes at the University of Phoenix?
I’m not buying it.
You’ve got a unique look and voice. You’re big as a Lakers’ center. Why not try making it as a character actor or a kid’s birthday party performer?
Apply yourself, Big Bird. Lift yourself up by those giant (potential) bootstraps. You’ll feel better about yourself, trust me.
You don’t need our money. You just need to trust in you. I’m pulling for you, big guy. Really I am!