August 31, 2012

My first brief conversation with Barack Obama’s basketball

me:  “How do I put this so that it doesn’t come across as, you know —

Barack Obama’s basketball:  “– racist.”

me:  “Precisely.  ‘Racist’ –”

Barack Obama’s basketball:  “I’m afraid you can’t.”

me:  “Say something that doesn’t come across as racist?”

Barack Obama’s basketball: “Right.”

me:  “But you haven’t even heard what I was going to say yet.”

Barack Obama’s basketball:  “Doesn’t matter. What you might think you’re saying and what it is you’re actually conveying are likely going to be two different things, because you and I are two different objects with two different consciousnesses –”

me:  “– but you’re a basketball –”

Barack Obama’s basketball: ” — and I’m going to hear what it is I hear, which is that you’re a racist, something you’ll convey either explicitly by way of readily apparent intent or surreptitiously, by way of coded language people like you use to summon and confirm to likeminded racists your sympathy toward their own often unstated and perhaps even unconscious racism.  My being a basketball doesn’t change that, and in fact, it even furthers my point.   For instance, why did you choose me, a basketball, to speak with, in choosing an Obama Object?  Doesn’t Obama have golf clubs, too?  Or do his golf clubs signal something else, something other than what it is you’re trying to racially signal  — like, say, that the President isn’t black black, but rather enjoys his leisure time much as many rich white oppressive fatcat corporate racists do — that his blackness, which you’re hoping to highlight, can’t define the man, much as you and your racist teabagging cousinhumpers wish it to?”

me:  “Actually, you just made my point for me.”*

Barack Obama’s basketball:  …

Barack Obama’s basketball: 

Barack Obama’s basketball:  “Fuck.”

Barack Obama’s basketball:  “You played me, didn’t you?”

me:  “You had it coming.”

Barack Obama’s basketball:  “See?  Why you gotta treat a brother like that?  That’s racist, man.”



Posted by Jeff G. @ 9:48am

Comments (37)

  1. I’ll bet the basketball didn’t need a teleprompter, either.

    Good stuff, Jeff.

  2. A baseball wouldn’t have worked. Couldn’t get it to cross the plate.

  3. DOG WHISTLE!!11!!!1

    /Chris Matthews

  4. That ball was much smarter than it’s owner.

    Could thousands of bounces off the floor be the right prescription?

  5. Barack Obama’s basketball:  “You played me, didn’t you?”

    I see what you did there.

  6. Lots of black men play basketball. Black men who play basketball have been compared to monkeys. Racist!

  7. The only thing that would make this more raaaaacist is if it were set in Chicago.

  8. Swish!


  9. To paraphrase Neil Funk:
    “Goldstein for three…Ka-Boom!”

  10. Lots of black men play basketball. Black men who play basketball have been compared to monkeys. Racist!

    Slaves, too.

  11. Judging by the way Obama plays, you spent more time with his basketball during your interview than he ever has. I’m convinced that it’s just a negro authenticity prop, like Reverend Oogabooga.

  12. – If Chrissy Mathews see’s that he’s going to be banging his rattle on his highchair until his therupist has him commited.

  13. I’m with Abe on the basketball thing.

  14. I’m curious what the leftover dumplings might have to say on this subject.

  15. Barack Obama’s basketball: You keep shooting me up like a brick…now I’m all sore… and I think air is coming out of me…Damnit I’m literally dying… maybe try me in an underhand “Granny toss” from the free throw line…you and Michelle love free stuff.

    Or… you could throw me in a pitch from the mound at an MLB game.

    Oh yeah…nevermind. Do the “Granny toss” thing.

    Oh fuck it. I’m just gonna roll home before any of my friends see me with you.

  16. Just so we’re all ready for Charlotte, let’s practice our “Courtly” bows & curtsies for ….”Democrat Saint, Sandra Fluke: Pampered 30 year old recent Law School Graduate*, owner of angry, demanding, tax-payer funded vagina.”

    Last checked, neither her nor her vagina have passed the bar.

    Now, Georgetown “bars” vs. her need for DARPA type unlimited Federal funding for rubbers jokes are welcome.

    *Really? A “law school graduate”? That’s what ya got?

    This train wreck of a convention is gonna be priceless.

  17. Coming Soon:

    “My first brief conversation with Sandra Fluke’s ????

  18. Never trust a broad with a fish surname who’d rather it be mispronounced and sound stupid than be pronounced correctly and call to mind an ugly ass bottom feeder with two eyes on one side.

  19. Now, Shannon Bream is a different story. Of course, she pronounces her name correctly.

  20. Never trust a broad with a fish surname who’d rather it be mispronounced and sound stupid than be pronounced correctly and call to mind an ugly ass bottom feeder with two eyes on one side.

    Or something that infests your liver.

  21. Now, Shannon Bream is a different story. Of course, she pronounces her name correctly.


  22. Compare the liberal genius of making a statue of Jesus Christ out of elephant poop – It’s art! You probably don’t understand the hidden meaning because you’re one of those religious conservatives,

    To the absolute fucking brilliance of Clint Eastwood mussing his hair and looking all crazy, just so he could say, as the Oscar-winning, streed-cred-laden Boss of Hollywood, what many have been afraid to say.

    Then, marvel at the subtlety of “If you were so excited when Obama was elected (in an historic display of ‘hey look at us, we’re not racists because we voted for a guy based on skin color just to be part of history’), shouldn’t you feel the same excitement now that he’s president (I mean he’s still the first black president right? Wait a minute. It has always been about skin color, hasn’t it? C’mon. You guys imagined everything George W Bush thought felt and did, and now that Obama is exactly like your imaginary GWB, the brown skin is a cloak of invisibility. I’d run with it)

    Let’s be more racist. Let’s talk more about skin color. It’s distasteful, sure. But if a guy in a wheelchair uses the wheelchair to steal from you, the wheelchair loses some of it’s, you know, punch.

  23. Good stuff, but I’ll bet if you could really talk to Obama’s basketball it would be feeling very sad and lonely and wondering why Barrack never called.

  24. I don’t trust President Obama’s basketball. I’d rather interview one of his Oboes (who in real life has just one oboe? C’mon!) or Joe Biden’s pasta colander.

    “Joe I says, you can’t just pour boiling water over rice? You get it? This ain’t orzo, man it’s the real thing! You gotta do this in a pot and let it simmer! Who let you in the kitchin anyway? “

  25. Actually, this is out of bounds because you haven’t made a point yet for the basketball to contradict. Allow me to assist.

    You ask, how do you put something so that it doesn’t come across as, how do you say … racist?”

    And the basketball pivots with dribbling about that not being possible under any circumstance because whatever you say is a technical foul because it rebounds through basketball perception. As basketballs do. Foul the issue so that the thing that might be put never does get put because the question of putting became the subject and then fouled.

    Basket balls are polemic rookie bitches.

  26. George Will recalls classic liberalism

    Jettisoning the label “liberal” was an act not just of self-preservation, considering the damage liberals had done to the word, but also of semantic candor: The noble liberal tradition was about liberty — from oppressive kings, established churches and aristocracies. For progressives, as liberals now call themselves, liberty has value, when it has value, only instrumentally — only to the extent that it serves progress, as they restlessly redefine this over time.

    …and also flukes a Fluke..

    Given Democrats’ current peevishness, it is fitting that Sandra Fluke will address their convention. In February she, you might not remember, became for progressives the victim du jour of America’s insufficient progress. She was a 30-year-old-student — almost half way to 62, when elderly Americans can begin collecting Social Security — unhappy about being unable to get someone else (Georgetown University, a Catholic institution) to pay for her contraceptives.

    Say this for Democrats: They recognize a symbol of their sensibility when they see one.

    Acrid mocking, George. That’ll get you mindless heckling by Saint Tingle, if he sees it.

  27. I honestly think the basketball was a poor choice since Obama’s basketball is probably something he borrows for a photo op. It doesn’t quite capture the “tire gauge energy policy” + “now I know the price of arugula has gone up at the Whole Foods” vibe of the Obama experience.

  28. This train wreck of a convention is gonna be priceless.

    1/4 of the names on their list of speakers have the word “former” in the description of who they and what they are/were.

  29. I had a chance to speak to Obama’s golf ball once. It was too busy to stop and chat though.

  30. 1/4 of the names on their list of speakers have the word “former” in the description of who they and what they are/were.

    Michael Ledeen hit on that in the piece newrouter linked last night:

    [T]he old liberal establishment is shrinking, both in numbers and in confidence, and their political/ideological opponents are growing. Several smart people have noticed the extraordinary depth of the conservative[sic] political team, many of whose members were on display in Tampa this week. The Ryans and the Romneys, the Christies and the Haleys, the Loves and the Rubios, the Brewers and the Walkers, on and on. They have a much clearer vision of the real world, and they accordingly have more realistic political approaches than those on the left, who are trapped in a world that no longer exists.

    [L]ook at Wisconsin. Long considered one of the wackier leftist places in America, it is now the cradle of creative conservatives. The Progressive mission known as the “Wisconsin Idea” is politically and intellectually dead and buried. Wisconsin now votes for Paul Ryan and Scott Walker (and probably Tommy Thompson in a couple of months). [bold emphasis added]

    Of course conservatism has supposedly been on the ascendency since Reagan, and once again the chosen standard bearer for conservatism isn’t himself particularly conservative. And the Era of Reagan is over, or so we’ve been told.

    So I wouldn’t be drinking heavily in anticipation of pissing on the grave of Progressivism any time soon.

  31. Let the basketball speak! The first three lines from the basketball were surprisingly good, but most of what came after sounded (naturally enough) like you trying to sound like your version of a post modern relativistic basketball.

    Or else, how long have you had Obama’s basketball, and how much time has it spent listening to you, and who was really played?

  32. I’d say you were, David.

    See, you skipped a couple of metas in there, is your downfall. But then, it comes with the territory of always thinking you’re smarter than everyone else without having actually done the work to get there. So it’s kinda predictable at this point. You’re like a ball of yarn who registered here in order to get swatted around by a bored cat.

  33. I wonder what Obama’s cordless drill is up to. Probably having a decade+ long nap in its unopened case on some closet shelf.