March 4, 2005

The Martha Stewart Chronicles, day 148 – Release Day!


Posted by Jeff G. @ 4:41am

Comments (45)

  1. Perfectamundo. Can’t wait for Martha’s Home Detention Chronicles and new line of designer ankle bracelets.

  2. Nice work.  Did you have to ask the Deadbeat Neighbor to contribute a writing sample, for “authenticity”?

  3. Sniff. I’m too choked up to comment (although that might be a cuscus bone in my throat).

  4. It feels like the end of an era. *sniff*

  5. Well done.

    Anti-spam word is “gives”, as in Martha Stewart gives great prison diary.

  6. No more of that sweet Martha pie. *sigh* Oh well, all good things must cum to an end …

  7. I want the first copy of the book.

    Priceless stuff Jeff, freaking priceless. I do wonder if Martha herself will ever read them, and I would KILL to see her reaction….

  8. What? No live marthablogging?

  9. With all those experiences under her belt, I think she should have a “coming out” party . . .

  10. Looking at Martha’s steely-eyed exit photo up on Drudge now, I would almost advise the Chronicles be destroyed.

    But I’m not an attorney or anything.

  11. Ahem.  I believe “You are one tough bitch” is a quote from me, but thanks, Lupe.

    Keyword, “lot,” as in Sodom and Gomorrah.

  12. Wow, that is scary, JW.

    Have you considered the witness protection plan, Jeff?

    Keyword, “floor,” as in you should be hiding under it, Jeff.

  13. I can’t believe I made it.

    I might just take a few days off to recuperate.

  14. The Mediterranean is nice this time of year.

  15. Have a cool summer, Martha!


  16. Encore!

    I guess all good things must indeed come to an end.  I will never, ever, EVER look at Martha Stewart the same way again.

  17. Where’s the famous yearbook comment about signing in the crack? Next page, I guess.

  18. Man, this is heart-breaking. I’ve come to depemd on this…

  19. It’s a tragic day.  I will mourn this loss.  Up until lunch, where I will probably have Mexican.

  20. Turing word: “final.”

    Too perfect.

  21. What happened at Camp Cupcake stays at Camp Cupcake.

    Or so Martha, blissfully unuaware that Jeff had accesss to her diary, threatened her soon-to-be former co-inmates.

    (Spam word—enough—bah, there’ll never be enough Martha chronicles!  Can someone work on getting Martha to violate her parole, any NY state trooper-readers of Jeff willing to “find” a big bag o’dope in her glove compartment at a “routine traffic stop” for the team?)

  22. I remember about the 4th or 5th installment in this series, a particularly hilarious little piece of lezbo-eroticism, one of the commenters stated “Dude, there’s no way you can keep this up for 4 months.”

    Thank God he was wrong.

  23. Up until lunch, where I will probably have Mexican.

    Gosh, there was a time when Martha could look forward to having Mexican for lunch too…..

  24. Gosh, there was a time when Martha could look forward to having Mexican for lunch too…..

    Well, there’s the pool boy…

  25. I’m practically sobbing here.  Goddamn softhearted American parole boards…

  26. One of the most sustained creative endeavors I’ve seen. But now what are we supposed to live for?

  27. seriously this was one of the funniest things in the blogosphere….

  28. She says she won’t forget those women back there at Cupcake, but you can bet the first time one of those felonious slags comes shambling up to the gate, Martha’ll have the dogs on her before the parolee’s finger hits the call button.

    In case you were thinking of an addendum or anything, I’m suggesting “Latonya Who? Never Heard of Her” as a working title.

  29. My goodness, those criminals at Camp Cupcake can really spell well, can’t they?


  30. Well, there’s always her potpouri.

  31. If this is truly the end of an era, I too must say congratulations on a brilliant series.

    It wasn’t always easy reading these, but I suppose it wasn’t always easy for Martha to write them.  She, however, got to have all that hot lesbian action.  I only got a t-shirt with a picture of an apple on it.

  32. Greatest diary on the net. 

    How about some brief conversations with the tracking device.

  33. I bought A block of MSO at $9.51 and sold it at $36.40

    Thank you FBI!!


    I bought it back at $34.00; It’s a bargain. Target $60.00 by 2006 what with Martha losing about a hundred pounds and looking too hot for sixtythree years old.

  34. Bravo Jeff.

    Now, it’s time for Martha to write the book.

  35. Bravo! tongue wink

  36. Jeff,

    When M. sees you’ve leaked her diary I predict that she’ll “ buy you.. dress you in a jockey outfit and have you standing on the porch at her house in the Hamptons holding a little lantern.. “


    Touring word: Help

    hahahaha you’ll think ‘help!’

  37. Woe is me, I don’t think I can live without my daily Martha chronicles.  *sniff*

  38. JG,

    I wouldn’t worry about a potential lawsuit.  The diaries had an educational purpose and, therefore, fall within “fair use.”

    You can depose me regarding the purpose.  I’d happily attest to the fact that I never knew what “tribbing” was until reading about Martha’s unique odyssey.  See? 

    Some day, the Seven Sisters’ respective Women Studies Departments will include The Martha Stewart Chronicles within the canon.

    Remember:  Tourjours gai, troujours gai.  There’s a dance in the old gal, yet!

  39. Danger, I have a hard time believing that trou-jours gai was a typo.

  40. Gail,

    I’d been drinking chilled Jaegermeister from La Stewart’s mule the whole way home on the G5.  By the time I got to Bedford, my typing skills weren’t what they otherwise might be.

    Think of my misspelled adage as found art. 

    And I commend you for your steel-eyed perspicacity.

  41. For those of you who don’t like untranslated stuff–trou is French for hole.

  42. And thanks, Danger. Steely-eyed perspicacity is as good a euphemism for obsessive compulsive disorder as any I’ve run across (even after looking up obsessive compulsive disorder in the dictionary 97,566 times and counting).

  43. I’m disappointed that there isn’t a prison version of “Have a great summer but don’t get any dumber”.

  44. How ‘bout a Martha Chronicles II? You know featuring the knit poncho and the impact on the Martha product lines as the bitches and ho’s get out and come to ‘work/visit/attempt to kill her’ … jest sayin’ …