“Catch and Release for Low-Priority Illegals Proposed”
Like certain tiny fish, almost. Because in this new United States of The Law is What We Decree It to Be, illegally entering the country — to compete off-book for jobs that don’t even exist in adequate numbers for younger Americans — is no longer a dealbreaker for a potential Obama voter. Or most Mexican National Team soccer fans.
Still, we need to at least make an attempt to appear interested in either enforcing our laws or else doing something else productive to justify refusing to detain noble “undocumented peoples” who just wish to pick our lettuce, fight for our country, and yearn for the kind of liberty one can only find when one sequesters oneself in little Spanish-speaking-only communities. So here’s my counter proposal: we set them back into the wild, yes; but first we tag them — with, like, some little laser tag or else an implanted chip — so that we can track their movements and learn their wilderness habits. For the SCIENCE!
Plus, I hear these types have an innate ability to hammer roof tiles and lay drywall that Americans either don’t have or won’t use. And the country needs roof tiles hammered and drywall laid. So, in a pinch, we can just track one of these sneaky little fuckers down and pay him to fix our shit, then release him once again back into the wild.