April 25, 2012

Real-Life Barbie: Would You Explore Her Uncanny Valley? [Dan Collins]


Valeria Lukyanova, a 21-year-old woman from Russia, is often referred to as a “real-life Barbie” because, well, she kind of looks like Barbie. The problem is, as many have speculated, if Barbie were real she would look almost inhuman. Lukayanova has wide hips, a busty top, an insanely thin waist, long blonde hair, perfect powdery makeup, and baby blue eyes. It’s obviously not something she was born with, which is why many are either offended or freaked out by her plastic-perfect Barbie appearance.


I don’t know what this means, people:

Maybe you need a palate cleanser? NTTAWWT. Well, harvest mice are just the fucking adorbz. And wholesome, too.

 Helpful American pop culture referent.

Can’t decide? More pics, via happyfeets in comments.

Posted by vermontaigne @ 8:28am

Comments (58)

  1. If she were showing off hairy underarms, her score with Liberals would improve immensely.

  2. What gives with this Human Barbie thing? The Daily Mail had an article a few days ago about this being all the rage with teens. There was/is a Japanese doll trend in Tokyo a few years ago with young women.

  3. Stilt-walking sheetrock finishers were never so twee. But then, they had beer.

  4. here are a bunch of pictures of her with and without makeup… she is very averse to smiling it seems

  5. I’d hit it. The human barbie that is. The mouse? I’d feed it to a boa.

  6. Beer. Just think beer.

  7. My cousin farms in South Dakota. I doubt he thinks harvest mice are cute.

    As far as the girl goes, I don’t know why people are worried about her. If she gets her legs lengthened to impossible Barbie length, then it’s time to worry.

  8. I never learned to walk on stilts. I’m impressed sdferr.

  9. However, I think the mice are cute, too.

  10. This might clear up a few things.

  11. Well, as a wise man once said, “I wouldn’t throw her out of bed for eating crackers. Especially if my name was Crackers.

  12. She creeps me out. Not as much as the woman who had 329 plastic surgeries so that she could look like a lioness, but still.

  13. I’d hit her, but not in the same way as youse guys, and not for the same reason. More like slapping some sense into her for wasting her time and money trying to look like stupid doll.

    Which, I never in my life saw Barbie as something to aspire to looking like, dressing like, or acting like. She was just a prop for my house-building projects.

    People are weird.

  14. C’mon, di. Barbie had a Corvette, a Dream House and she used to cheat on Ken with my brothers GI Joes.

    Divorced Barbie: She has Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat.

  15. She looks like my type. Breathing.

  16. Shoot. Where’s the Scot’s helpful pop cultural referent?

    Step up, Burnsie.

    Wee, sleekit, cowrin, tim’rous beastie,
    O, what a panic’s in thy breastie!
    Thou need na start awa sae hasty
    Wi bickering brattle!
    I wad be laith to rin an’ chase thee,
    Wi’ murdering pattle.

  17. Ae fond kiss, and then we sever;
    Ae fareweel, alas, for ever!
    Deep in heart-wrung tears I’ll pledge thee,
    Warring sighs and groans I’ll wage thee.
    Who shall say that Fortune grieves him,
    While the star of hope she leaves him?
    Me, nae cheerful twinkle lights me;
    Dark despair around benights me.

    I’ll ne’er blame my partial fancy;
    Naething could resist my Nancy;
    But to see her was to love her,
    Love but her, and love for ever.
    Had we never loved sae kindly,
    Had we never loved sae blindly,
    Never met—or never parted,
    We had ne’er been broken-hearted.

    Fare thee weel, thou first and fairest!
    Fare thee weel, thou best and dearest!
    Thine be ilka joy and treasure,
    Peace, enjoyment, love, and pleasure!
    Ae fond kiss, and then we sever!
    Ae fareweel, alas, for ever!
    Deep in heart-wrung tears I’ll pledge thee,
    Warring sighs and groans I’ll wage thee!

  18. She’s the perfect representative for Russian women. I don’t know about elsewhere, but they’re kind of a joke in New York. An incredibly materialistic and mercenary lot.

  19. Kind of on the murderous order, too, aren’t they Abe? I do know they are fantastic liars.

  20. Being stabby would seem to fit the profile. Though the accounts I’ve heard only confirm that they’d suck a golf ball through a garden hose for anything that sparkles or weighs down their purses. I tend to avoid places that smell of money, so I’ve always been relatively safe from gaining any first hand accounts about this.

  21. The things I learn from you guys.

    I wonder, though, how all that plastic/fake/surgery stuff ages. I mean, it’s one thing when you get a lift or tuck when you’re already on the downward slope.

    Her face looks wierd.

  22. The Russian bride racket is fascinating, Carin. There’re also huge former Soviet bloc mafia style enforcement gangs who take advantage of their fellow immigrants. The “brides” have a tendency to have rather loose morals, as Abe said, and often run away from the guys who brought them over. They take up stripping and whoring escorting quite a bit, too.

  23. I wonder, though, how all that plastic/fake/surgery stuff ages.

    On Absolutely Fabulous, they said something about a skeleton with two silicon bags sitting on the chest.

  24. Her face looks wierd.

    What’s with the gummi bear stuck to her forehead?

  25. Yea, and the face. I mean, when so much work it done … I imagine the unnaturalness of it all comes out as she ages.

    maybe not. It’s just weird. I’m thinking these Russian women are prolly (sigh, I miss what’s his name who always got pissed off when I wrote that) fucked in the head.

    Speaking of which, didn’t the aforementioned God of War claim to have great insight into the sexual habits of Russian women?

    I imagine he could be rather illuminating on this thread.

  26. Nice to see that she has the barbie finger thing down ….too.

  27. Or was he god of THunder?


    He picked a screen name like dudes with small penises pick red sports cars.

    I’m not saying he had a small penis … oh wait, yes I am.

  28. I do NOT have a red sports car, dammit.

    It’s yellow.

  29. Oh, that’s right! Thor paid for sex all through Russia. Russia isn’t exactly a seller’s market. You’d think an American guy who was even remotely cool could defile a steady stream of Russian non-pro babes just by dangling empty promises.

  30. Well, the old joke goes that you don’t pay for the sex you pay them to leave afterwards. That probably worked the other way around with ol’ Thor.

    Please stay and listen to my bullshit. I’ll make it worth your while.

  31. Heh. You can almost imagine him crying out that he paid for the hour after he finishes his business in a minute or two.

  32. thor was maybe very charming in real life and probably he had a nice girlfriend in Russia who was very pretty and sexually confident sorta like that one Russian spy chick and she’s probably married with kids now but I bet she still thinks of him fondly sometimes cause of how for her he remains the very quintessence of a spirited American bon vivant and this is a memory she’s come to cherish over the years as her life has settled into the staid rhythms of motherhood and commitment

  33. Actually he use to brag about him and his roomate abusing their maid who needed the job too bad to resist.

  34. a sensitive soul was hidden behind that facade of braggadocio, and he could even be abrasive at times Mr. Moe.

  35. happyfeet is all subtext.

  36. I’d forgotten about that maid anecdote. The guy did have a special knack for scumbaggery.

  37. He was a fraud. A Hemingway, Harry Crews wannabe that didn’t have the chops or the intellect.

  38. I think happyfeet just has a pansexual attraction to irritants.

  39. Or just desperately hoping that somebody will say such kind things about him when the time comes…

  40. There is nothing wrong with snorting a line off a Russian strippers ass

  41. That was Glenn Beck, not Thor.

  42. She’s kind of weird looking but I don’t think she’s reading as a mutant or a reconstructive grotesque or anything.

  43. I agree with JD.

  44. He was a fraud. A Hemingway, Harry Crews wannabe that didn’t have the chops or the intellect.

    Whose favourite author was a notorious antisemite and Nazi propagandist. Go figure.

  45. There is nothing wrong with snorting a line off a Russian strippers ass

    Snorting crack?

  46. Every time I pop a cork out of a wine bottle (an experience that gets rarer and rarer as corks disappear, but I digress…), I proclaim “Behold, the Hammer of Thor!” My lovely bride still doesn’t understand what I’m on about.

  47. Thor was a boring Walter Mitty.

  48. It makes me want to grab her by both legs and go “here comes Barbie.” boink boink boink boink boink “Everybody look out I have a new career.”

    But I recognize that mouse! I saw three or four similar mice pictures on a page and I used one where it’s hanging on for the last page of a pop-up card sent to someone. I forget now who the card was for, but at the time I kept thinking they probably get chopped up and baled when the machinery comes along.

  49. Thor was a boring Walter Mitty.

    and someone who actually has more issues with women than hf.

  50. Real-Life Barbie: Would You Explore Her Uncanny Valley?

    It’s like GRODY…
    I’m sure
    It’s like really nauseating
    Like BARF OUT
    I am SURE
    TOTALLY . *

  51. She’d be more attractive if she had about fifty percent less boob.

  52. hi barbie um cock ring ken needs his necklace back he’s been looking everywhere for it

  53. Don’t you have daughters, JD?

  54. a sensitive soul was hidden behind that facade of braggadocio, and he could even be abrasive at times Mr. Moe.

    And he could launch a cyberassault on protein wisdom because of his being unappreciated in his telling us how Barack Obama would righteously fuck all gathered here in our racist asses. Like he’d do to a desperate Russian whore.

    That sort of thing appeals to you, ‘feets?

  55. I attend, with my wife, a Russian Orthodox Church. We have a number of couples with Russian wives. They don’t look like the woman pictured but are all reasonably nice looking women. None of them exhibit the personality that Abe describes above and all are loving mothers with multiple children.

    What Abe sees must be more of a New York or big city thing as far as I can see.

  56. thor was maybe very charming in real life and probably he had a nice girlfriend

    I don’t think paid companions are generally known as “girlfriends”, but I must plead ignorance regarding paid-companionhooker euphemisms.