September 2, 2004

protein wisdom’s Republican National Convention coverage, 15

11:22 AM: For the second time in as many mornings I wake up on the floor of Ann Coulter’s hotel room, the phrase “Jooos for Bush” scrawled across my forehead in Clinique Berry Berry Long Last lipstick.  Ann has already taken off for some Phyllis Schlafly presentation, but she leaves me the crumbled dregs of her Continental breakfast, which I pass up for a bite-size Milky Way bar and a pot of black coffee.

****

On the way over to the Garden—still a little drunk—I run into TalkLeft’s Jeralyn Merritt, who’s been covering the convention as part of “The Tank,” a collective of left-leaning blogs. 

     ”Wow, you look like shit,” she says.  “And what’s that on your head?—is that blood?”

     ”Yes.  Blood,” I tell her.  “One more Purple Heart and my handlers tell me I can go home.”

     ”That’s not funny at all,” she says, and stalks off—a length of toilet paper trailing from the heel of one of her flats.

****

When I finally make it to the Garden, some chick I’ve never seen before grabs my arm and tells me I just missed the President.” “That’s too bad,” I say, trying to rub the rest of the lipstick off my head.  Then, “Say—you wouldn’t happen to have any Bloody Mary mix, would you?”

     She looks confused.  “No.  Of course not.  Why would I?”

     ”I dunno, why do men climb mountains –”

     ”– I mean, I’m here to support my party and my President, not to get boorishly drunk.”

     ”Fine, forget it, Christ.” I say.  “Didn’t mean to get your virtue glands all bothered, honey.”

****

So now I’m off to find a bar, because the thought of hanging out with Rick Santorum and talking about sodomy again is just too depressing.  Besides:  the Lycopene in tomatoes works wonders for your prostate.  So I’ve got that going for me.

****

6:30 prostate update:  groovy.

Posted by Jeff G. @ 9:00pm
20 comments | Trackback

Comments (20)

  1. So I’ve got that going for me.

    …which is nice.

  2. Jeff, I read your blog daily but have never commented. I just wanted to say that YOU ROCK, man. Absolutely love your site, and I will continue to be a faithful, daily reader as long as you keep blogging.

  3. So tell me more about Ann….freaky deaky and all that?

    Keep it PG though, don’t want to get all the kids riled up…I swear to god I thought I saw Andy Sullivan and Santorum leaving the room next to mine together this morning, and Rick was er, um- how shall I say this- walkin’ a little funny…

    I tellsya these conventions are like Band camp….freaking Caligula would be proud..

  4. Screwdrivers are better when you have colds, because the alcohol kills all the germs in your throat and the orange juice gives you precious precious Vitamin C.

  5. I substitute milk of magnesia for the orange juice, call it a Phillips screwdriver.

  6. I rarely comment on any blog, cause, hey, it’s not my gig!  But you are an amazingly hilarious freak!  I love you!  Even if you are betrothed to Ann.  Bitch.

  7. you wear berry berry?  interesting.  i always pictured you as more of a “nude ice” wearer…you know, from clinque’s chubby stick collection… smile

  8. You guys are just trying to get me to take some more of those red happy pills, aren’t you?

    Dolphin lovers.

  9. My God, Catherine, you republicans are all the same. I mean, sure, Jeff may have had kinky sex with that uber-right wing starlet, but who said anything about betrothal??

    Can’t a guy, y’know, lick a popsicle or two before settlin’ down to dinner?

  10. Well Jeff, you have a chance here to kill two birds with one stone. Just eat more stuff with Olestra in it–it will do a different sort of wonder on your prostate and you can talk about anal leakage with Rick.

  11. Funny, you don’t look Jooish.

  12. Publish, goddamit, publish!

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