January 27, 2011

The “why I ? high speed trains” poem

I ♥ high speed trains
because, comparatively-
speaking, sitting next to
that one guy who smells
like corned-beef hash and
fisting, lasts a whole lot longer
     on
          the
               bus.

Posted by Jeff G. @ 10:33am
50 comments | Trackback

Comments (50)

  1. Corned beef hash and fisting?

    You’re definitely not fucking around today.

  2. Yesterday I never would have thought of fisting as having a smell. Today it seems kind of obvious. Thank you Jeff.

  3. Did I ever tell you all about the time I fell in stripper love on a Trailways from Scranton to Valley Forge? I think I did.

    Made an impression on me, seriously.

    Also imprinted a buckskin fetish on me that has caused no end of relationship problems. Not to mention one almost conviction for stalking Suzi Quatro. Almost.

  4. I’m a giver.

    As for Suzi Quatro stalking, well, Bill Norman is still wearing my Hush Puppy print in his ass for “Stumblin’ In”.

  5. Hey, it’s either him or the trashy hick Christer.

  6. Good morning America how are you?
    Don’t you know me I’m your bankrupted son,
    I’m the high speed train they call a Democratic Party Boondoggle,
    We’ll be in debt 500 billion more before the project’s done.

  7. Hey, I like corned beef hash.

    Fisting… not so much.

  8. I had a bootleg of the Smithereen’s covering “Wild One”. It was awesome, almost as good as the original and I’d still be listening to it if some college chick never “accidentally” poured an entire pitcher of sloe gin fizz into the milk crate that I kept all my bootleg cassettes in.

    I married her to punish her for that night. I turned my oldest on to T. Rex and he’s spent the last month and a half trying to learn how to pull off the opening riff to 20th Century Boy. I’ve been on the road! Mwahahahah! I win!

  9. Didn’t she marry that Norman guy? Think a Wikipedia search would violate my restraining order?

  10. Now this would be an appropriate spot to drop one of my favorite Tool songs. You folks know the one.

  11. At Christmas time the wife and I took a Amtrak sleeper car from Sacramento to New Orleans, via Chicago. Four days and three nights. Spent from 8:00-8:50pm on the 22nd in Denver.

    I was so relaxed by the time I got to Louisianian I oozed off the train. Totally awesome.

  12. Oh sure, but hey – anybody who needs to get from Bakersfield to Barstow in a hurry?

    Fuckin’ GOLDEN!

  13. And rustlin’, don’t forget rustlin’.

  14. Lee – if you don’t mind me asking, what does a ticket for something like that cost?

  15. JD, twice as much as flying.

    You get three squares a day in the dining car and your own loo and shower though.

    Plus, no one seemed interested in seeing ID, much less a naked body scan…

  16. I didn’t know Car in liked Tool. Did anybody else know that?

  17. Friends: “Hey, there’s a great deal on flying to Las Vegas from Bakersfield. $78 round trip! And the flight only lasts 1 hour!

    Me: Umm, you have to add in the time it takes to drive to the airport, pay for parking, airport screening, boarding, etc. You also have to add in the time it takes to get off the airplane, pick up luggage, find a taxi or hotel shuttle, etc. So, your 1 hour flight just turned into 3 hours or more.

    Friends: But you don’t have to deal with the hassle of driving and you still get there quicker than if you drive.

    Me:I can drive, round trip, to Las Vegas for about $60 in about 4.5 hours. And I don’t have to deal with airport security, baggage and some dufus trying to stuff an oversize bag into an undersize overhead bin.

    Friends: …

    Me: Not to mention it’s impossible to run late and miss my flight.

  18. Cranky: Carin flaunts it everywhere else (that, and her healthy lifestyle). Sickening, I tell ya.

  19. Got ya, agile_dog!

  20. Blake, you also have a car to drive up and down the strip. There are buses but it is better to have wheels.

  21. Tool just played here in Honolulu Carin. I didn’t go to the show because while I like Tool, little goth and emo tweeners make me want to punch a puppy.

  22. Best thing about Suzi Quatro?

    The improved handling and traction. Especially important in these winter months.

  23. Joe, another point in favor of driving.

  24. Is the Tool song Prison Sex? I love that. I mean, the song.

  25. Makewi, you should do what I do and bring your own.

    Puppy, that is. What did you think I meant?

  26. As someone who uses regional rail (thank you SEPTA) the smell of fisting doesn’t induce retching nearly as much as the dudes who rub themselves with a genoa salami before partaking of mass transit.

  27. “dudes who rub themselves with a genoa salami”

    i saw that guy get on at paoli

  28. Having taken a Greyhound to Florida in high school, I’ll happily praise trains by comparison. But it smelled like fried chicken and ass once we got past Baltimore.

  29. ? Dick Durbin before he ?s you.

  30. Somewhat related.

    Well, no, not really related at all, but the “fisting” reminded me, and I thought it was hilarious.

  31. This would be a very compelling argument if I rode the bus. I do not. Yet.

  32. I once took a bus from Columbus GA, to Allentown, PA. It wasn’t an Express, so the ride took forever. OTOH, I ended up making out and finger-banging the hot chick who sat next to me in Northern GA all the way to Washington DC, where we parted ways with a make out session in the middle of the bus station that was broken up by the security guard for being “Scandalous!”

    We never got back together, even though we traded letters for a couple of years after that, but she did give me her panties as a keepsake… ;-)

  33. Wow. I once got fingerbanged on a bus myself, but that was only because the bus stopped short while I was wiping myself after the taco squirts.

  34. I took the train from San Francisco to Chicago. There we Argentinian women. Tequila. An overnight in Aspen.

  35. Once upon a time the future was monorail. Now it is high speed trains.

    http://davidszondy.com/future/Living/monorail.htm

    The ‘future that never comes to pass’ remains to impress me with the enthusiasm of its naivety and its willingingness to use power; and terrifies me with the same for it has never actually died.

  36. #8: Lost My Cookies.

    I was listening to ‘Smithereens 11′ in the car last week.

    Now I have further knowledge that I am not cool (except for June-August 1989).

    /sarc on Thanks one heck of a lot. /sarc off

  37. There was one time on a flight home that we were delayed because passengers could not find room for their small carry-on bags. Why? Because a group of hipster douchebag musicians got on and put their tubas and what-not in the overhead compartments.

    If it was left to me the tubas and what-not would have gone to the cargo hold and the hipster douchebag musicians would have been strapped to the wings with earphones playing Greyhound advertisements.

    But I’m kinda cruel like that.

  38. Last time I flew I was on a flight with total amateur first time fliers. This clown was trying to jam an extra large suitcase into an extra small compartment. Even a blind person could see that it could never fit. Ever. In a million years. Then, after about 10 announcements to turn off all cell phones, this jack wagon across the aisle from me in still yammering on his cell, about nothing. Literally nothing. Just jabbering. He was pissed when I reached over and turned off his phone.

  39. I do stuff like that from time to time myself, JD. Assholes don’t receive enough negative feedback… by large, serious-looking men who don’t seem particularly amused.

    Freelance father figure. Sure, the pay sucks but the satisfaction is definitely there.

  40. Never said a word to him. He was pissed.

    And bh is right, assholes don’t get even public acknowledgement when they are being assholes.

  41. My Illini are trying to lose to Indiana, an NAIA team. I am despondent.

  42. The whole electronic devices thing hacks me off no end. If the AAA battery in my Bose headphones can do a bleeding thing to the damn plane they have way bigger safety issues….

  43. Most electronic devices emit radio signals, even if they are not supposed to as part of their function.

  44. If we were supposed to use trains the Wright brothers would never have been invented.

  45. Most electronic devices emit radio signals, even if they are not supposed to as part of their function.

    Aircraft are packed full of such devices, and yet they seldom veer off course, much less plummet to the ground.

    I took a train from Brewster to Grand Central once. It was okay.

  46. Are those devices shielded in some way? I don’t know.

    Plus, many regulations are ancient. I admit there may not be a purpose for them now, but there may have been at one time.

  47. Jeff, fingerbanging yourself doesn’t count. That’s some peoples idea of a great Friday night.

    Hmm, I wonder what AJB is doing right about now…

  48. JD – Sorry to see Illinois lose to Indiana (I’m a Purdue fan so who am I kidding). I think that you would agree that the Big Ten are much more fun to watch with a good Indiana team. Please feel free to make fun of Purdue’s loss to Ohio State – man that was brutal. I just want to tone down the rhetoric between the teams. It is so much more fun when the fans root for both sides and nobody is a loser. As a Purdue fan I salute Robert Montgomery Knight. He was right. Winning doesn’t matter, but losing is a shame. Shame has been lost to our society. Nobody is to blame for anything.
    A society that has lost it’s shame and will to succeed is lost forever.

  49. I once entrained in Louisville, Ky., and travelled to Hollywood, Fl. Coach. It. was. horrible. The way back was Pullman. That was great.

    Greyhound bathrooms generally endow users with infections.

  50. Oh — the Ohio high speed train will avergae 33 m.p.h. Cool, eh?

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