April 30, 2010

Hiya, big guy! We were just wondering, this being Friday and all, if maybe —

— Sorry, not this weekend, guys. Seems when somebody heard about the new Arizona border security law he saw a niche market opening for a “coyote pimp hand” and off he went, forty bucks, snakeskin boots, and a jar of Spanish fly tucked in an old bedroll.

I still don’t know what a coyote pimp hand is exactly — the little fellow was in such a hurry to bum a ride with some neighbors heading off to the Grand Canyon on holiday that he didn’t have time to walk me through it — but from the bit I gathered, his plan involves tequila, an enormous fur-lined sombrero, and half a dozen naked Mexican chicks jammed into the trunk of a Buick.

Which, if you ask me seems a risky use of capital — although I must admit the giant hat idea sounds absolutely dope. At least, in theory.

Posted by Jeff G. @ 7:37pm

Comments (77)

  1. Please tell me the plan involves cheap beer, too.

  2. Johnny Caspar: You think that I’m some guinea, fresh off the boat, and you can kick me! But I’m too big for that now. I’m sick a’ takin the scrap from you, Leo. I’m a’ of marching into this goddamn office to kiss your Irish ass. And I’M SICK A’ THE HIGH HAT!
    [Puts on his hat and coat]
    Johnny Caspar: Youse fancy pants, all a youse.
    Leo O’Bannion: Johnny, you’re exactly as big as I let you be, and no bigger, and don’t forget it, ever.
    Johnny Caspar: That’s right, Leo. You’re the big shot around here, and I’m just some schnook likes to get slapped around.

  3. “a half-dozen naked Mexican chicks jammed into the trunk of a Buick”

    Good thing I brought the jaw of life

  4. Arizona deputy wounded in desert shootout found


    By BOB CHRISTIE / Associated Press

    Authorities in southern Arizona have found a deputy wounded in a shootout with suspected drug smugglers after a frantic hour-long desert search.


  5. Hope for his sake he has his papers in order. Either that or he really likes staying rolled up in a ball.

  6. He’s back on Benzedrine. You can just tell.

    God bless him.

  7. Apparently Benzedrine makes you feel better than Chantix.

  8. Speaking of the pimp hand, here’s a brother coming to the defense of a white dude that was getting the treatment.

  9. Chantix it helps if you combine it with the wellbutrin I promise

  10. Wellbutrin made me want to punch random people for no reason. It’s scary.

  11. Windsprints!

  12. Marijuana.

  13. I am doing them both, and they are working. But I have the temperment of a rabid rattlesnake and dreams that remind me of college days eating mushrooms.

  14. If you’re going to mix those two, run windsprints and then hit the bong. You’ll thank me later.

  15. Unless there were teeming hordes of demonic midget clowns on shetland ponies, you will not find me running windsprints. For what it is worth, that is what my dreams are like.

  16. What bh said. Trust me.

  17. Well, that would likely kill me, which would probably be preferable. I snapped at the FedEx guy today, for pretty much no reason.

  18. coyote pimp hand

    Something Meghan McCain needs to see more of.

  19. I’d bet you money it’s actually the Wellbutrin, JD. Some people dig it. ***coughspeedfreakscough*** Other people kill someone in the elevator over a Jonas Brothers ringtone.

  20. The armadillo
    Freaky, nasty reprobate
    I really miss him

  21. I made the mistake of going off wellbutrin too soon and it was like starting all over… but it’s different for everybody

  22. You can mark me in the kill people over JoBros ringtone in elevator column, bh.

  23. Even in the no-holds-barred world of the NFL, where a head coach can get a free pass after using the female pronoun ‘she’ to describe a male player…

    Next, knocking over convenience stores.

  24. “My dad was a pimp.”

    “What did your mom do [for a living]?”

    “She worked for my dad.”

    So, who do you like in the Cup?

  25. Greatest post-game interview ever. (That I’ve seen, and I’ve not seen all that much.)

  26. Whatever you do, kids, don’t be like Terry Glenn.

  27. They’ve hit Buddy!

    Come on, girls!

  28. Well, Mr. Leader, the context is fear. As the Arizona abomination makes clear, there is a desperate need for federal immigration action to stop the country from turning into a nation of vigilantes suspicious of anybody with dark skin. But leaders on both sides have instead run for the hills, called there by the yodels from their respective extremes.*

  29. You remember that Iranian mullah claiming that pulchritude causes earthquakes? And that new law they passed, in which women with suntans are liable to be arrested? And how some years ago Iran was on the UN Human Rights Commission? Well, there’s a funny piece at Scrappleface about Iran being named to the UN Commission on the Status of Women.

    The UN made the move with little fanfare. Needless to say, liberal commenters in the west are too preoccupied with picking on the pope and making sure Comedy Central employees stay safe to take much interest. Thus it’s left to the conservative media to spotlight Iran’s record of government rape, stoning and whipping of wayward doxies.

    Eh? It’s not Scrappleface? Well, who else would report such a whopper, then? Couldn’t be true, could it…?

  30. Comment by Lazarus Long on 4/30 @ 7:39 pm #

    Please tell me the plan involves cheap beer, too.

    Hmmm….. seems a tad undignified for these Mexican Chicks…

  31. That reads like a postmortem, ‘feets.

  32. I have no idea. Mostly it’s just a good indicator where we are that Milbank can toss that off in the Washington Post I think.

  33. *facepalm*

    You miss day, you miss a lot, around here…

  34. Dana tosses many things in Washington. IYKWIMAITYD.

  35. He’s sorta gay about salads is what I’m saying.

  36. So that’s why Brits call guys like him useless tossers?

  37. It’s Friday. So, let’s analysis a song that blends singularly generated contrapuntal tones with the strongest possible M.I.A. foreshadowing.

    From there, booyaka versus booyakasha. Discuss.

  38. yes…

    this is not good.

    None of it.

    Our little country. Just look at it.

  39. My intention is war.

  40. Timbaland was not in the studio with Lord Invader, of the war intentions.

    I’m pretty sure of this. Maybe they recorded that on a windy day down by the beach.

  41. both of those songs kinda sucked

  42. The scary thing is how Milbank can take Obama at face value, despite all evidence to the contrary, as if they are really not going to go for immigration, like they were giving up on health care, after Scott Brown’s victory. like Joe Isuzu would say, “Right, you can trust me on that”

  43. Truth don’t suck.

  44. A woman called in to Glenn Beck to day and just sobbed for awhile, saying that “it was like watching one of her children die slowly,” referring to the trouble the country is in.

    Of course, nobody is a bigger crybaby than Glenn himself (for which his staff has razzed him for a good half-decade), but it still resonated.

  45. And when the truth ain’t enough…

  46. both of those songs kinda sucked

    Well, you are one of histories’ greatest monsters.*

  47. she is awesomeness Mr. Moe

  48. That’s the shit, B Moe. First song especially.

  49. Best fucking band you never heard of, swear to God.

  50. Saved the best for last.

  51. that last one was epic bh I liked that

  52. Thanks, B Moe.

  53. No problem. Mother’s Finest was the band that made me realize how fucked up the music business is. I never met a single person who saw them that didn’t love them, but they still never really made it. I also never saw anybody at their shows that wasn’t shaking their ass off before it was over.

    Amazing band.

  54. Amu Acker has a new series no one tells me anything.

  55. *Amy* I mean

    she’s from Texas like me and Mr. Padalecki!

  56. and you too, possibly.

    If you’re from Texas.

  57. If there is vinyl available locally, I’ll snag some tomorrow.

  58. I saw AA in that show. She’s still that good thing she was.

    Sorta that encumbered perky of wisdom.

  59. I hope they don’t kill her

  60. At this point, I’m sorta wondering about other bands you’d recommend, B Moe.

  61. I don’t think she’s kill-able. Or the new girl in town. Even short arc-wise. But, you know, pilots and first eps of the first season.

  62. I am still reliving my yute, when I was a hound dog howling all night.

  63. They have some pretty good vinyl out there bh, but if you can make it down to Snellville tomorrow you can catch them live in between the clogging, Irish dancing and Tae Kwan Do exhibitions.

    That’s what I love about the south.

  64. Good times, B Moe.

    Of course, as a Yank, I’m thinking that insanely melodious accent on the ladies would be one, two, and three on my list of reasons to love the South. Then sundresses. Then BBQ that doesn’t just mean grilling.

  65. I really do wish a lot of the people that wig out about shit like Confederate History Month would come down here and hang out at stuff like the Snellville festival and really experience how cool and truly multicultural most of the south is.

  66. That’s a damn strong pitch, B Moe.

  67. In a similar vein something recent that I like.

  68. Thanks for the reminder on the “Happy Town” show ‘feets. I now remembered to set the TIVO.

  69. Amu Acker has a new series no one tells me anything.

    Dude, we just assumed you lived there!

  70. OT. I know people generally dismiss Gary Trudeau as a tiny, irrelevant fart, but just this once, please to peruse his poorly-drawn little comic strip (May 1, 2010 strip).


    What do you think of the imagery?

  71. I don’t really get it.

  72. To me, it looks like some fairly blatant misogyny.

  73. Nah, can’t be when your enemies are being trashed. Misogyny, racism, hate, violence, all these “sins” can only be done by the wing-nuts. Once you have your mind washed in the waters of the O! you can never sin again.

  74. I used to read Doonesbury all the time, but quit when he went off the deep end when the Iraq occupation heated up. Or maybe he went nuts before that, but I finally couldn’t take it any more. Trudeau is a sad little man.

  75. I didn’t get it either, but if you put Barbara Lee in that pose, it’d start trouble.

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