March 10, 2009

The parable of the 3 bears

Of course, none of this would have happened had Goldilocks not eaten porridge, sat in chairs, or spread her presumptuous little ass in bear cots that weren’t hers to begin with, all the time pretending that it was somehow okay for her to take ownership…

(See what I did there?)

Posted by Jeff G. @ 11:47am

Comments (46)

  1. outlaw.

  2. To each according to her need…

  3. At age four or thereabouts I got the bad flip of Sophie’s choice and had to hoof it for the Bel Air on my own. Bear ate my sammich. Never again.

  4. Goldilocks had a sense of entitlement about her. She’dve made a damned fine democrat.

  5. Everyone knows that the proper way to great any bear is to turn it upside down and place its crank in your mouth. Goldilocks should have known better.

  6. I denounce myself

  7. spread her presumptuous little ass in bear cots

    I am having an odd desire to sniff bear cots. Does that make me bad?

  8. Bitch probably wants free gas too.

  9. oh. When Goldilocks ate the porridge she was doing it wrong.

    The interesting part of her instructions is how you should eat your porridge. She tells us to have two bowls; one bowl for the porridge and another bowl for cold milk or cream. You are to first dip your spoon in the porridge and then take the spoonful of porridge and dip it into the cold milk. This gives you the delicious contrast of hot oatmeal and shocking cold milk. It is little wonder that she refers to porridge as “food for the gods”.*

    I think you can file porridge under stuff white people like. The have like the porridge olympics in Scotland or something.

  10. Of course, none of this would have happened had Goldilocks not eaten porridge…

    As part of the patriarchal society that spawned the irresponsibly sexist Goldilocks myth in the first place, I blame myself.

  11. The have like the porridge olympics in Scotland or something.

    Pinhead oats; none of this Quaker rolled-oats crapola.

  12. I for one welcome our bear overlords.

  13. Well at least Goldilocks has the balls to do her stealing herself unlike the average O! voter.

  14. The porridge here sucks, by the way. Dudes make it with water and salt. Might as well use it to fill cracks in the wall.

  15. Is Goldilocks a literary metaphor for inclusiveness through empowerment?

    Are the three bears representative of the traditional patriarchal family unit depersonalizing the feminist other?

    Do I need to get a life and stay away from pand*gon? Sadly, yes.

  16. Dammit Jeff, that’s not what the story is about!

  17. Daniel Finklestein would probably dig crappy porridge though. This is him standing up for his bbf David Frum. British Tories are just as wet as wet can be.

  18. that blog is going to change my life. I can’t cook but I have crazy crockpot skills.

  19. Dudes make it with water and salt.

    And oats, hopefully.

  20. I make my oats (pinhead!) with water and salt. Spackle of the Gods.

  21. That cracked me up, especially the “presumptuous little ass” part.

  22. I noticed that Russ seems to think that when you’re eaten by the polar bear you end up as polar bear poop scattered about the tundra. Actually, quite a bit of you will end up as murderous eating machine polar bear muscle, murderous eating machine polar bear brain, murderous eating machine polar bear fat, murderous eating machine polar bear bone, murderous eating machine polar bear gonads, and murderous eating machine polar bear etc.

  23. or spread her presumptuous little ass

    Now I need some “me” time.

  24. What does oatmeal have to say about that?

  25. I liked this Citibank commercial thinger. I’m probably the last one to see it but it will actually play here, which is kind of novel.

  26. There are polar bear hunters (Outlaws!), and there are those that want to make polar bears an endangered species and sacrifice themselves for a false premise. Jeff= Outlaw Newt= bearshit

  27. Clearly “Goldilocks” is a tale of racist, misogynistic, American imperialism. The little girl is obviously homeless because of a nearby air raid on her otherwise peaceful village. She was just trying to recover from years of oppression. That and porridge envy. NO BLOOD FOR PORRIDGE! Where the hell were her parents? Gitmo, that’s where. Oh, and bears? Clearly racist. We know she wasn’t in the damn arctic circle so these aren’t polar bears we’re talking about, are they? No, brown or black bears! Fuckin racists.

    Simple really.

  28. You can stop me from putting Brown Sugar on my oatmeal, when you pry it from my cold, dead hands … or … when the price of sugar goes thru the roof along with all other foodstuffs due to Jugears McTeleprompter’s contempt toward taxpayers that what eat breakfast.

  29. Sometimes you have the option of choosing your battles and sometimes they choose you. If your enemy believes this is an important battle, (he initiates the hostilities), then you damn well better pay attention. The only disgrace is choosing never to fight.

  30. Meh.

    There’s something about “the right to arm bears” floating around in my id, but it won’t gel. Go figure.

    I blame lack of pie.

  31. I hate teases like Goldilocks.

  32. Of course, had Goldilocks been a tranny, his/her Otherness would entitle him/her to set a narrative that challenges the ursine power structure.

  33. Goldilocks is just another innocent victim of the bear market.

  34. Goldilocks should’ve brought some ACORN thugs along.

  35. Speaking of exchanges on R blogs, I present AllahPundit and I:

    Just because you’re a sycophant doesn’t make criticism “hate.”

    Allahpundit on March 10, 2009 at 3:55 PM

    New lede: AllahPundit calls anyone who supports Rush a “sycophant” [sic].

    See how that works now?

    TheUnrepentantGeek on March 10, 2009 at 3:58 PM

    I didn’t call everyone who supports Rush a sycophant. I call anyone who equates criticism of Rush with Two Minutes Hate a sycophant.

    Allahpundit on March 10, 2009 at 4:00 PM

    Well you know that and I know that, but a Rush fan might have taken the other interpretation AP. We live in a soundbite culture, you know, and not everyone is a news junkie.

    You really should be more careful about how you say things, is all I’m saying. Isn’t that terribly reasonable?

    TheUnrepentantGeek on March 10, 2009 at 5:29 PM

    Heh, and also more heh.

  36. Up here in snowbilly land, Goldilocks packs a .500 Smith & Wesson in bear country.

  37. Goldilocks is just another innocent victim of the bear market.


  38. M700 APR with .375 UltraMags work pretty well …

  39. Well from what I hear from my Bear sources, they think Goldilocks is just an uppity little blond bitch anyway…

    But then, they’re well known h8ters anyway…

  40. M700 APR with .375 UltraMags work pretty well …

    The OUTLAW choice- pre ’64 m70 in .375 H&H

  41. *golfclap*

    Faint praise is better than no praise, I always say.

    And why I always say it is undoubtedly obvious.

  42. We all have our bears to cross.

  43. Out here in Wyoming we have both black and grizzly bears and neither is to be trifled with. Many folks advise wearing “bear bells” when hiking so as not to surprise the bears or get between a sow and its cubs. Carrying bear spray — a highly potent version of pepper spray — is also advisable.

    It’s also important to be able to recognize bear sign — turned over rocks and such — and to be able to tell the difference between black bear scat and grizzly scat. Black bear scat looks a lot like human shit and is full of seeds from the berries they eat. Grizzly scat is much larger, full of little bells, and smells like hot peppers..

  44. My little stuffed bear is quite cuddly. His name is Bear. He would never eat me.

    But if the little fucker could talk…

  45. i had a ‘lil’ stuffed monkey when i was a child
    Mr. Bim was his name
    he had plastic hands and face
    but was otherwise a cool stuffed animal…
    fast forward 30 yrs/
    his plastic hands are gone/ just wires sticking out
    question/ should i be worried about my face?
    or shoulds i hug the lil bastard

  46. mcain feingold-ilocks hot porridge/cold milk act of 2010
    it’s coming people
    a spoon is a shiv